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Raj242

Forced Marriage

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On 4/1/2018 at 10:42 PM, MisterrSingh said:

Having gone back and re-read this topic and further replies, I have to say I feel the girl is not to blame in this situation. Notwithstanding her dull personality and everything we know about the contemporary Punjaban, that's no excuse to discard her when she doesn't meet expectations. That's really poor form. She's entered this marriage with seemingly good intentions. The pickiness being shown by OP should've been enacted before the marriage. I can appreciate a guy in his early 20's being coerced into marriage, but early 30's? It's uncommon, but OP shouldn't have let it happen. 

Whilst I'm not onboard with the Bollywood-ised solutions being proposed by some in this thread, you need to step up and sort this out like a bundha. Either make a go of it, or tell her parents you aren't bringing her over, and accordingly sort out something on the divorce front. Unfortunately, if you do end it, you won't be able to prevent her parents and family from kicking off. That's unavoidable. They might take things really badly, and in that case you'll have to deal with some pretty stark stuff. They'll be gunning for you, and looking to hurt you in any way possible.  As I said, there's no cordiality in Punjabi divorce. You're going to be liable for a hefty sum of cash if you decide to part ways. Again, unavoidable. 

I get the impression you think you deserve a better "rank" of girl, but I'll be honest, I don't think you're quite deserving of the kind of female you're imagining. You have some serious growing up to do. I think you have a good heart, but somehow you've been browbeaten and dominated by overbearing family and parents, and that's never good for a guy. There's a way of being a respectful and obedient son without being oblivious and a walkover. You've got some soul-searching to do, preferably some that involves honourable behaviour. 

HIgher rank. 

I am not looking any higher rank. just someone who is compatible. They could be rich poor it does not matter. Yes i agree i should not have let it happen. I do take part blame for this. lets just say  this,  I was with a very unwell relative . They were not in good health for me to turn the marriage down.I was scared for their health and wellbeing more then anything. I was put under enormous guilt trip to get it done. Otherwise i would have booked the next flight out of india before the marriage and left alone. But I could not let my unwell relative in India be stranded. I was very close from just absconding. But could not. If they were not with me I would have left the country in a second or even left punjab before the marriage. But they was vulnerable so I had to be with them and could not just do a runner. Their health would have deteriorated further. 

This was not about someone physically forcing me. This was emotional blackmail. like some posters are even doing now. Saying why did i do the anand karaj. 

Edited by Raj242

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Raj, ultimately I have been in your shoes and it is a very difficult one. Sometimes parents pressure and do things, that definitely are evil and I think this was one of them. 

I know your looking to blame your parents, yourself, or anything else for this. Just take responsiblity, if you dont want to be with her, then just be honest. At the end of the day, it is your life, and yours alone to live. If you do want to live with her, you will need to look past all of the <banned word filter activated>, and the day, this is your own choosing, even if you were pressured to do it.

I need you to decide, the decision will be the one that makes or breaks your whole life. Whatever decision you do, stand by it and dont regret it.

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On 05/04/2018 at 1:35 AM, LifeIsBeautiful said:

Raj, ultimately I have been in your shoes and it is a very difficult one. Sometimes parents pressure and do things, that definitely are evil and I think this was one of them. 

I know your looking to blame your parents, yourself, or anything else for this. Just take responsiblity, if you dont want to be with her, then just be honest. At the end of the day, it is your life, and yours alone to live. If you do want to live with her, you will need to look past all of the <banned word filter activated>, and the day, this is your own choosing, even if you were pressured to do it.

I need you to decide, the decision will be the one that makes or breaks your whole life. Whatever decision you do, stand by it and dont regret it.

Yes I will have to make the decision sooner or later. It is a make or break decision. I know we have one shot at happiness. . Which is why I dont think its worth the risk to take a gamble. If I go ahead with it and it does not work out. It will spell disaster for both of us. She as well as I will both find it hard to re-marry if not impossible. At least at this stage there is some hope that we will both be able to find someone who is better for each of us if we dont go through with it. As there is no kids involved and there has not been a long marriage that has occured. 

Currently I am still not sure what I will do. I am going to take some time to have a good long think about this carefully to ensure I make the correct decision. Take legal advice and see what options are available. 

One thing is for sure is, I will not bring anyone over with the intention of divorcing them or helping bring over her other relatives. It will either be try my best to make a go of it or end it. I will also spend a couple of weeks over there in Punjab with the girl and the family. To see for one last time if we can make a go of it and if there is anything I find that we can work on. 

One of the main issues I have is our age difference. There is a 12 year age difference between us. Which shows in her persona and nature. She is quite immature, hot headed and impatient. But alot of this might not be to do with her young age. I think these are just her natural traits and character. I have no issues with women from India but as her age is so young 21. She just does not feel on my mental and intellectual level. I dont enjoy talking or speaking to her I just find we have nothing in common. This is not her fault at all, being so young her mentality will obviously be that of a someone much younger then me. She never wanted the marriage either from my understanding due to our age differences and was also pressured into it. I will give her credit she has tried to make a go of it but we are just not bonding and the relationship is not working because of this. 

I have heard that such big age differences are known to have a much higher chance of a divorce occurring. Especially large differences like ours. Which is why I think it would be better to end this marriage and find someone of a similar age to me and go through the proper process of meeting the girl before the marriage. I also dont feel comfortable with being with someone of her age, it just does not feel right. It feels like I am marrying a child and does not feel like a proper marriage. I feel awkward when I am with her because of this. I think this is a major reason why I lack a connection with her. I am quite a mature person for my age as it is, and she is still young mentally. When I see other people in marriages I get envious that they have someone of the same age as them while I am married to 21 year old when I am 32 myself going onto 33. I am starting to get annoyed by her behavior and persona which is related to her age. The type of girl I want is someone who is mature and intelligent. Alot of the traits I am looking for come with older age. 

My gut instinct is telling me to end it before it gets anymore complicated with kids involved. I am sure she can recover from this if I support her financially. It is just the guilt that I feel. As maybe I could have stopped the marriage from going ahead somehow. I did try very hard but it was not good enough. That why I am blaming family so much for pressuring me as they have ruined the girls life. My anger is with those who refused my efforts to end the marriage while I could of at the engagement stage. 

Its easier enough for me to go back to Punjab and get married to another girl but then I will be left with the burden of this girl. Who will find to hard to re-marry. If do decide to bring her over it will only be as a pity marriage as I feel sorry for her not because its something I want to do or have any good feelings about. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Raj242

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11 hours ago, Raj242 said:

My gut instinct is telling me to end it before it gets anymore complicated with kids involved. I am sure she can recover from this if I support her financially. It is just the guilt that I feel. As maybe I could have stopped the marriage from going ahead somehow. I did try very hard but it was not good enough. That why I am blaming family so much for pressuring me as they have ruined the girls life. My anger is with those who refused my efforts to end the marriage while I could of at the engagement stage. 

Its easier enough for me to go back to Punjab and get married to another girl but then I will be left with the burden of this girl. Who will find to hard to re-marry. If do decide to bring her over it will only be as a pity marriage as I feel sorry for her not because its something I want to do or have any good feelings about. 

 

 

 

 

 

Do let us know how the week turns out with them. 

People say when we have a common goal and fight together in the trenches. Thats when friendships r formed. So maybe when u guys try to settle in and try to run a household, it might work?

But u have too many differences maybe? Like age, culture, personality, gender? 

Also u might consider asking the person who is just as involved in this as u are. Your wife. I know u dont want to hurt her feelings. But watever u decide, affects her alot. So a bit ruffled feelings might not matter, for the truth and knowing where she stands and her options.

Maybe tell her that u r trying to get to know her now and to see if u guys get along. And say hypothetically, if we find out 2 weeks from now that we dont get along. Wat would be the best thing to do? 

And maybe there is an option #4. You can go with ur hat in hand or pagh in hand to the girl or to her family and say sorry i was forced into this. Or i changed my mind. Wat can i do to end this marriage as fast and as painlessly as possible for all?

Or send a mediary/vichola to get divorce. So u dont have to face the anger and hysteria. And have the vichola suggest  i will pay the wedding money back plus how much ever u think is suitable. 

BUT this will be hard. They might guilt trip u, beg u, threaten u, or be very angry and try to harm u or even threaten to take their own lives.  If u decide to take this step. You will have to be very strong and not succumb to any pressure or threat that they might ask u why and then say the girl is young. She will mature. Etc

Its a very hard option. Even if u pay them to their satisfaction. They will hate u. 

Are u sure, u cant make it with this girl? It will be hard to find a better one next time? How will u know if the next girl is compatible with u? Esp if u let ur parents choose

 

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15 hours ago, Raj242 said:

Its easier enough for me to go back to Punjab and get married to another girl...

You aren't cutout for a Punjaban. If you're incapable of acknowledging your own character, personality type, and general demeanour at the age of 32, then I just don't know what to say. Look for a Sikh woman closer to your own personality in your own country. You'll never find the things you're looking for in Punjab. A UK born braggart can blag a marriage to a Punjaban, and make a decent go of it. You seem like the sensitive sort to put it mildly. They can smell that on a man from a mile away. You'll be on the backfoot from the moment she claps her eyes on you. Be honest with yourself. Acknowledge your shortcomings whatever they may be. Even with everything you're going through, your refusal to introspect and learn is shocking.

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7 hours ago, MisterrSingh said:

You aren't cutout for a Punjaban. If you're incapable of acknowledging your own character, personality type, and general demeanour at the age of 32, then I just don't know what to say. Look for a Sikh woman closer to your own personality in your own country. You'll never find the things you're looking for in Punjab. A UK born braggart can blag a marriage to a Punjaban, and make a decent go of it. You seem like the sensitive sort to put it mildly. They can smell that on a man from a mile away. You'll be on the backfoot from the moment she claps her eyes on you. Be honest with yourself. Acknowledge your shortcomings whatever they may be. Even with everything you're going through, your refusal to introspect and learn is shocking.

 

Partly true. Also shocking a 32 year old born and bought up in UK wants to marry a 21 year old from India. Something he isn't disclosing. Maybe a disability or family secrets.

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2 hours ago, Guest PanthPuff said:

Partly true. Also shocking a 32 year old born and bought up in UK wants to marry a 21 year old from India. Something he isn't disclosing. Maybe a disability or family secrets.

Like I said previously, he seems like a decent chap. I'm simultaneously frustrated with his lack of gumption and a serious dearth of street smarts and healthy cynicism. Again, I've seen two close friends of mine chewed up and spat out by the Punjabi marriage process, and I think I'm seeing something similar here. Although in this instance the girl seems to be faultless. 

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20 hours ago, MisterrSingh said:

Like I said previously, he seems like a decent chap. I'm simultaneously frustrated with his lack of gumption and a serious dearth of street smarts and healthy cynicism. Again, I've seen two close friends of mine chewed up and spat out by the Punjabi marriage process, and I think I'm seeing something similar here. Although in this instance the girl seems to be faultless. 

A lot of "screwy" things happening with marriage and the Punjabi community because they're unable to be straightforward.  He does seem decent but there is more to this story than what is being said . What 32 year old man marries someone because his 90 year old Bibi is blackmailing him? The same "relative" he's met a handful of times in his life.  What character building has he done within the last 32 years? 

Sounds harsh, but I'm his age and female and seem to have more courage than him (keeping it polite). Most punjabi women would have chewed and spat him out and this is partly due to their own personalities and desires "control" and "money".  So I don't believe he is telling the complete story. There might be dowry involved. Or it might be his family doesn't want to accept anyone from UK maybe due to their secrets or whatever. No one in Punjab is poor enough NOT to buy a way abroad.

To the OP, if you're having to ask on a public forum whether you should marry this person, isn't that indication enough that something is wrong?

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