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Raj242

Forced Marriage

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1 hour ago, Raj242 said:

Thanks

This summoned it up pretty well. I know relatives from the UK who have married back home and have now divorced having brought the girl over. I don’t want to end up in a similar situation or in an unhappy marriage for the rest of my life.  I don’t want to drag some poor girl half way round the world only for her to end up in some council flat by herself stranded with no one and divorced. That would just destroy me and make me feel even worse.

She has said to me on many occasions that ‘I don’t like her’. I think she has caught onto my true feelings. I am not into this marriage at all. One is the fact I feel I was emotionally blackmailed into it. So, I am just not making as a much of an effort.

My main concern is for the girl. I don’t want any harm to come to her and I am trying to minimize this as much as possible. I was just thinking of owning up and saying we rushed into the whole thing.

I am thinking about what would be best in the long term. In the short term bringing her over would make her family and herself happy initially. But in the long term if we broke up and separated that would crush the family even more. Who wants their daughter to end up being divorced and all alone in a foreign country with no hopes and future. At least if she is India they will have control of their daughter’s destiny and future and she will be supported. In the UK she has no one. I don’t want to be responsible for  this.

 

Look. You are married now. So bring her over, stop having cold feet, and make it all work. Like BJ said she will do everything around the house and provide and rear children. Love marriage is only recent trend due to Western culture and it is based on lust. Arranged marriage was the gold standard. Don't be duped by thinking that the grass is greener on the other side.

if you ditch her and go off with another woman then you are an adulterer and must reap the consquences. Anand karaj is no joke that you can simple undo and your wife isn't a bit of dirt that you can wash off your hands. You should be ashamed of yourself for thinking such manmat thoughts.

 

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I don't understand why people from abroad are still going India to find a partner! Many Sikhs in the UK are 30+ and unmarried, even if you are 32 a female in her late 20s is fine! why go India.  People in India are very corrupt the men and women. So many guys from here go India to get a wife and once the wife gets here after a few weeks she does a runner! some even run away at the airport. Many of these women already have boyfriends living in the UK illegally. Many of them in Punjab are S  L A G S anyway! trust me there are a lot more decent Punjabi girls in the west than there are in Punjab! 

Look at how apne are treated by their own family when they go India. Once they got the cars, kothis etc out of the money their families from abroad send them they then treat you like sh!t. There have been many cases of where apne have been abused/harassed and thrown out by "family" in India. 

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17 hours ago, Raj242 said:

I did not consummate the marriage. In fact I tried my level best to avoid any intimacy whatsoever. I was not sure about the whole marriage in the first place so intimacy was the last thing on my mind. so not sure how you made these false assumptions. 

Hi.  when you said you spent a week/2 weeks with her i just assumed you did.  

the fact that you didn't have any sexual contact at all makes a big difference.  I sympathise with your side more now.

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5 hours ago, Guest guest said:

Hi.  when you said you spent a week/2 weeks with her i just assumed you did.  

the fact that you didn't have any sexual contact at all makes a big difference.  I sympathise with your side more now.

It makes no difference. He is married to her. He is being a coward and doesn't realise he will be committing adultery, going against hukam if he leave her and goes off with someone else in the future. He has no shame or respect for anand karaj. Someone needs to drum some sense into his head. 

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On 23/03/2018 at 10:16 PM, puzzled said:

I don't understand why people from abroad are still going India to find a partner! Many Sikhs in the UK are 30+ and unmarried, even if you are 32 a female in her late 20s is fine! why go India.  People in India are very corrupt the men and women. So many guys from here go India to get a wife and once the wife gets here after a few weeks she does a runner! some even run away at the airport. Many of these women already have boyfriends living in the UK illegally. Many of them in Punjab are S  L A G S anyway! trust me there are a lot more decent Punjabi girls in the west than there are in Punjab! 

Look at how apne are treated by their own family when they go India. Once they got the cars, kothis etc out of the money their families from abroad send them they then treat you like sh!t. There have been many cases of where apne have been abused/harassed and thrown out by "family" in India. 

Many factors.

People go there because of desperation as they cannot get a partner in their respective countries for various reasons:

If a boy has been divorced already, he may go to India has it may be deemed easier. 

The boy is not attractive enough and has been rejected multiple times. 

Because grooms who live with their parents and therefore the perception is that getting a bride from India means they can maintain the arrangement. 

If girl from abroad gets married in India they must be even more desperate because they are far more unlikely to marry there than a boy would be.

Things have changed now even in India where you could these things for granted. 

Some serious introspection needs to be done by our people. 

 

 

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On 23/03/2018 at 8:20 PM, Raj242 said:

I did not consummate the marriage. In fact I tried my level best to avoid any intimacy whatsoever. I was not sure about the whole marriage in the first place so intimacy was the last thing on my mind. so not sure how you made these false assumptions. 

If you end up divorcing, don't expect this act of integrity to be reciprocated or respected during the ongoing legal proceedings against you. In fact, it'll be used to malign you; basically you'll be accused of being unable to "perform" or you'll be labelled a homosexual. It's a common Punjabi divorce tactic used by the girl's side to keep her "honour" intact, so that any future marriage proposals aren't jeopardised by the suggestion that she isn't "untouched." Of course, since you never went to bed with her and you don't seem like the most worldly of guys, there's no way of knowing whether someone else hadn't already had his way with her before you were married to her. What you thought was an act of chivalry will actually be used against you in the worst possible way. These people are not what you think they are.

Edited by MisterrSingh
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18 minutes ago, MisterrSingh said:

If you end up divorcing, don't expect this act of integrity to be reciprocated or respected during the ongoing legal proceedings against you. In fact, it'll be used to malign you; basically you'll be accused of being unable to "perform" or you'll be labelled a homosexual. It's a common Punjabi divorce tactic used by the girl's side to keep her "honour" intact, so that any future marriage proposals aren't jeopardised by the suggestion that she isn't "untouched." Of course, since you never went to bed with her and you don't seem like the most worldly of guys, there's no way of knowing whether someone else hadn't already had his way with her before you were married to her. What you thought was an act of chivalry will actually be used against you in the worst possible way. These people are not what you think they are.

In my opinion, whatever keeps this girl's honor intact so she can marry again, is good. From what I've read here she's done nothing but hold up her end. 

Why should she have to live with shame because the OP is acting like a giant child?

No offense OP, you've just made a big naive mistake in my opinion, I know you're trying to rectify. Your stance on this does strike me as childish though. You owe this girl anything you can to make it right. I commend you for "manning up" now and coming here for advice. 

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16 minutes ago, GurjantGnostic said:

In my opinion, whatever keeps this girl's honor intact so she can marry again, is good. From what I've read here she's done nothing but hold up her end. 

Why should she have to live with shame because the OP is acting like a giant child?

No offense OP, you've just made a big naive mistake in my opinion, I know you're trying to rectify. Your stance on this does strike me as childish though. You owe this girl anything you can to make it right. I commend you for "manning up" now and coming here for advice. 

Her parents and the divorce lawyer will have her singing to their tune sooner rather than later. There is no, "we parted on good terms" when it comes to Punjabi divorce. I know 2 guys who underwent similar ordeals a few years apart. They were the kind of Singhs who wouldn't say boo to a ghost. They did the whole non-consumation thing; "the girl is on my side even though we're divorcing," believing it was the right thing to do, but it just never works out that way. One of them got accused of beating up his bride because he couldn't get it up on the wedding night, and the other fellow was said to be gay!  Whatever happens will be a wake-up call for OP. I hope he learns from his mistakes. 

 

 

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I don't know how old the OP is but I am beginning to wonder if grooms should get married at age 30.

The human brain does not fully mature till 25.

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VJKK VJKF

6 minutes ago, Ranjeet01 said:

I don't know how old the OP is but I am beginning to wonder if grooms should get married at age 30.

The human brain does not fully mature till 25.

In his first post he mentioned he was 32.

VJKK VJKF

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1 hour ago, Guest Kaur 2 said:

VJKK VJKF

In his first post he mentioned he was 32.

VJKK VJKF

Maybe 35 in his case.

But seriously, if we summarise:

He did not want to marry this girl,but he did not want to let people down but his conscious says no. He went through with it but now he feels guilty. 

He is on this website because he wants validation that he made the right choices  (whatever they were) to make himself feel better.

The whole crux of his unhapiness is that he did not think of himself first. 

He put his parents, wife and in-laws and all the relatives before himself.

This is what happens when you try to please everyone else. 

He does not want to be in a situation 10-15 years down the line with 2 kids and live in regret.

 

 

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1 hour ago, Ranjeet01 said:

He does not want to be in a situation 10-15 years down the line with 2 kids and live in regret

The kids may change their lives for the better. But only if they both work towards it. Or it be a risk and it would not be fair on the children if there is no communication between the two. 

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^^^ Some of his ideas are not applicable to our culture and our history. It takes a discerning mind to learn what does and doesn't apply to us. A rebuttal for the idea that "You need a partner who is a challenge" requires the exploration of so many caveats and incredibly nuanced cultural norms on our part. Having a white partner who is a challenge is a whole 'nother world compared to being with a Punjaban partner who is a challenge. Petersen's definition of challenge doesn't mean someone who makes life difficult for her mate -- because that's all she knows -- but someone who challenges their partner to think, grow, adapt, and improve themselves. How many of our women are even cognisant of such concepts, honestly?

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1 hour ago, MisterrSingh said:

^^^ Some of his ideas are not applicable to our culture and our history. It takes a discerning mind to learn what does and doesn't apply to us. A rebuttal for the idea that "You need a partner who is a challenge" requires the exploration of so many caveats and incredibly nuanced cultural norms on our part. Having a white partner who is a challenge is a whole 'nother world compared to being with a Punjaban partner who is a challenge. Petersen's definition of challenge doesn't mean someone who makes life difficult for her mate -- because that's all she knows -- but someone who challenges their partner to think, grow, adapt, and improve themselves. How many of our women are even cognisant of such concepts, honestly?

what do our folks do when the look at couple building ???

they pair a hot head with a calm person for what to let the couple grow together , introvert with extrovert the challenge is to go outside each individual's comfort zone to meet the partner halfway , the angry person becomes calmer , the introvert comes out their shell and the extrovert learns to appreciate not hogging the limelight all the time and hanging back a bit . Even putting a more dharmic person with a partner who needs encouragement . I've seen how the process works from sifting through prospectives until decades down the line , the strongest couples are NOT the ones who went for lust/love/beauty based decision but those who over came challenges to learn about each other as humans and grew together within the context of marriage . 
 

 

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