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Raj242

Forced Marriage

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9 minutes ago, BhForce said:

What? Are you saying marriage is outdated? Or that the cultural-marxist view of marriage is outdated?

The latter 

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4 hours ago, jkvlondon said:
8 hours ago, singhbj singh said:

Raj242 be practical.

Look at the pro's of having a wife.

She will do all the washing, ironing, cleaning, cook food, have sex without you having to pay.

Your mother will get someone to bully & leave you n your dad in peace.

Eventually you will have kids & focus will change from "Self" to them.

So do the right thing !

 

I'm sorry but which century are you from to speak about women that way ?

apart from demeaning wives, mothers across the world , are you letting people know about your filthy habits ... maybe you are kwara and speaking out the side of your head , maybe not ...but this is unacceptable attitude to share on a SIkh forum.

Filthy habits like having sex? Since when did Sikhism counsel brahmchar?

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14 minutes ago, BhForce said:

BJ SINGH : have sex without you having to pay.

attitude is everything ...demean a female  whether by thoughts , words , or actions they are all the same for a sikh.
 

Edited by jkvlondon

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1 minute ago, jkvlondon said:
5 minutes ago, BhForce said:

have sex without you having to pay.

attitude is everything ...demean a female  whether by thoughts , words , or actions they are all the same for a sikh.

I'm sorry, I never said the words "have sex without you having to pay".

Why did you put up a quote box with "5 minutes ago, BhForce said have sex without having to pay" when I simply did not say that? That gives the impression to a lurker on this board that I said that.

Please do not misquote like that.

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4 minutes ago, BhForce said:

I'm sorry, I never said the words "have sex without you having to pay".

Why did you put up a quote box with "5 minutes ago, BhForce said have sex without having to pay" when I simply did not say that? That gives the impression to a lurker on this board that I said that.

Please do not misquote like that.

sorry bro , the computer auto-assigned the label but it was Bj 's bad attitude  which you had quoted .... not malicious on my part

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3 minutes ago, jkvlondon said:

sorry bro , the computer auto-assigned the label but it was Bj 's bad attitude  which you had quoted .... not malicious on my part

OK, no problem.

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13 minutes ago, jkvlondon said:

attitude is everything ...demean a female  whether by thoughts , words , or actions they are all the same for a sikh.

Erm, I would not agree with this. Agreed that one shouldn't demean others, male or female.

But there's a big difference among thoughts, words, and actions.

Thoughts are merely in your head. If you have a bad thought, you can just do some more paath to clean yourself up (Oho Dhopai Navai Kai Rang ...).

Words are more problematic, but still there's a way back.

Actions are the final step and require huge steps to get right with Guru Sahib.

Are you seriously arguing that daydreaming about having sex with a girl is the same as actually molesting her? Realize the equation works both ways.

If a person were to rape a woman, would you be OK with the same punishment as for daydreaming (i.e., no punishment at all)?

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Guy's u r not helping OP.

What I said is straight forward guy talk.

So let me rephrase

Having physical relation with spouse is permissable as per Religion. Living as a W.A.N.K.E.R, paying for sex, being a womaniser or gay is Not !

Edited by singhbj singh
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1 hour ago, singhbj singh said:

Guy's u r not helping OP.

What I said is straight forward guy talk.

So let me rephrase

Having physical relation with spouse is permissable as per Religion. Living as a W.A.N.K.E.R, paying for sex, being a womaniser or gay is Not !

Are you suggesting every guy is what you described if they’re not married? What about divorced, or non married ones for whatever reasons? Not every guy is like that. And what about non married women, they don’t pay for housework, and the list of things you stated. So why do you expect men to? 

Go for a walk, you might see some decent people around, not everybody fits your description. 

Te uncleji, twanu sharam nai aundi, jo ida de labhj likhde a 🤦‍♀️

Edited by simran345
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Guest guest

Hi

So you are 32 year old man, and you are blaming your father and calling it a 'forced marriage'?

You slept with her for one/two weeks you stayed with her.  So it was not a "forced marriage" when she was sexually available.  Only you weren't so interested after your sexual holiday ended, and decided you can do better? I think you basically used her for sex and now want to dump her.

The question of her family's wealth and social status wasn't relevant when you saw first her, so why is it relevant now you are back in your home country?  I could understand if you were the woman and had to go live with her family after marriage, but that isn't the case here.

You also took oaths before Guru ji (Anand Karaj).  

I suggest you think over it a few weeks before ending the marriage.   Maybe stop being so judgemental and get to know her a bit?  She might just be awkward because she is nervous or was herself pressured into it.  You seem quite fickle minded.

If you really don't want this marriage, you should help her find a way out of the marriage that suits her.  Let her family call the divorce etc.  But I hope what you realise that what you did was very cruel.

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On 3/22/2018 at 3:24 AM, Guest MrLynx said:

You seem like a decent guy with respect for others feelings but remember: this is your life & you don't want to be in a loveless marriage, lonely & depressed on the inside.

No one would blame you for walking away given the circumstances...

 

Thanks 

I will try and make the best decision possible for all that are involved. That might involve people being hurt to begin with but I hope in the long term it will be the best decision for everyone. Yep I dont want to be in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life.. I have always been told that no marraige is better then a marriage that is unhappy. 

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On 3/21/2018 at 1:42 PM, Guest Sim said:

I can't believe educated people still do this nonsense. Did you really think just because you're "32", "getting on with age" going to India meeting a couple of people and saying yes to one under pressure is what a 32 year old is expected to do?

You have to put the word out to many vicholas not one and the larger agencies in big cities have a whole list and are  better than some vichola who wants quick money. They also have an extensive list of people abroad. Also why go to India to find a match when there are enough women in UK?

Anyways if I were you I would call it off, compensate them and tell them the truth. Next time get to know someone instead of making things convenient for yourself and your age.

 

 

I had the exact same thoughts before I went to India. I never thought I would end up in this situation with marrying someone without talking to them first. I am actually in shock that this whole thing actually happened. It all happened so fast I did not have time to think. A lot of the families down there were ultra conservative and would not let much chat happen before the marriage anyway. I went to India completely unprepared and did not know what I was doing with the vicholas and finding the right ristas.

If it was the UK we would have taken our time and done the proper research. Being over there it’s an unfamiliar situation with not knowing the local customs and the way things work. We were completely out of our comfort zone and depth. Obviously if we went back and this all again. We would learn from our mistakes. We would make sure more then anything that we spoke to the girl which I think is one of the most important things you can do. We did actually follow this protocol with every girl we saw except this one.

Yes my plan was to compensate for all costs from the wedding on their side. But I have still not made up my mind on what I am going to do. I will take a note off all advice and try and come to the best decision as there is a lot at stake. Its an easy decision for me If I am just looking out for myself. But now I have to think of family issues and most importantly the girl herself. I don’t want to ruin the girl’s life, break her heart and hurt the family.

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On 3/21/2018 at 9:05 PM, Ranjeet01 said:

Raj242 

If you do not want to marry this girl, don't do it and don't feel guilty about it.

She wants to marry you for a better life. She is not interested in you, she is looking for a passport. 

The poorer the craftier they are. The amount of times i have heard about how these girls get married because they are poor and  have these pity marriages.

The minute they come over, they become nasty pieces of work.These kind of girl have no qualms about going abroad then bring their family over and dumping your a**.

The poorer they are and the minute they come to the UK with the higher standard of living, the more big headed they become.

This girl will be a nightmare, the red flags are everywhere. Your parents will regret you marrying someone like that.

People in today's India/Punjab have no guilt, they lack empathy. They will find another sucker to marry this girl to.

Remember in the marriage in India, you have the leverage, you dictate the terms. Be assertive and don't back down, that is the language people in India understand. 

Thanks for your advice.

I am not entirely sure that is her motive. She does not seem the type that is just out for a passport. Infact at first, she did not want the marriage in the first place. The girl herself was reluctant to do the wedding. I have now heard that her family also pressurised her to say yes. Its like we both did not want this happen. Her at the beginning and me towards the end.

The girl is not all bad. She has made an effort and has been kind and polite with my parents. Which is one good thing. Its just us the couple that are not getting on. We are having arguments and its just a couple of weeks into the marriage. It does not bode well for the future. I think deep down she is a nice girl but not my type. I think being from a poor background she has a different upbringing. Without going into to many details we just don’t seem to click with each other.

The main reason for our arguments is she says I am being distant and do not love or like her. The truth Is I don’t love or like her. Its difficult for me to put up this fake act all the time to make her feel happy. I can’t pretend to like or feel attracted to someone if I am not.

Yeh, I am not sure how she will behave and act when she gets here. From my gut instincts I think it’s a bad idea to bring her over. At the same time, I have family honour and respect to think about. Above all I don’t want to be saddled with the guilt of abandoning the girl. I feel I should at least give it my best shot to make the marriage work at for the sake of the girls parents and family. These people at the end of the day trusted me to marry their daughter. I don’t want to throw it right back at them. It seems a cruel thing to do to just walk away. I am not sure what I can tell them. That I did not like their daughter so I am ending the marriage now. Like many have said. These types of marriages were the norm for our elder generations. But I do get your point. I have heard of many stories also of girls from back home who are just out to their passport stamped and settled in the UK.

Let’s just say If I knew before that this girl was like this I would never have agreed to the marriage. But that is the price you pay when you don’t get to know the girl before the marriage. 

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21 hours ago, Guest guest said:

Hi

So you are 32 year old man, and you are blaming your father and calling it a 'forced marriage'?

You slept with her for one/two weeks you stayed with her.  So it was not a "forced marriage" when she was sexually available.  Only you weren't so interested after your sexual holiday ended, and decided you can do better? I think you basically used her for sex and now want to dump her.

The question of her family's wealth and social status wasn't relevant when you saw first her, so why is it relevant now you are back in your home country?  I could understand if you were the woman and had to go live with her family after marriage, but that isn't the case here.

You also took oaths before Guru ji (Anand Karaj).  

I suggest you think over it a few weeks before ending the marriage.   Maybe stop being so judgemental and get to know her a bit?  She might just be awkward because she is nervous or was herself pressured into it.  You seem quite fickle minded.

If you really don't want this marriage, you should help her find a way out of the marriage that suits her.  Let her family call the divorce etc.  But I hope what you realise that what you did was very cruel.

I did not consummate the marriage. In fact I tried my level best to avoid any intimacy whatsoever. I was not sure about the whole marriage in the first place so intimacy was the last thing on my mind. so not sure how you made these false assumptions. 

Forced marriage, emotional blackmail, making me feel guilty. There were many elements that got me to say yes in the end. It was not as simple as someone forcing me with a gun to my head.

I was told if I backed out of the marriage at the engagement stage that all hell would break lose.  They only way of getting out this marriage was to postpone it and have a proper think about it when I returned to the UK. But this option was not given to me. The decision was made in a highly pressurised situation. I was told that a lot of our relatives would never speak to us if I broke it off. Hence why it was not easy to just break it off.  I am sure everyone is aware of how Asian families can be in these situations especially when you are abroad from your comfort zone

Really after the engagement there should have been a break before the wedding. Which is actually the norm nowadays. But this whole marriage was rushed from start to finish. No one had any time to think rationaly.  The engagement to the wedding all happened within a space of 4 days.

The bottom line is I don’t like the girl. We have nothing in common. There is no attraction or spark for me to have that I can work on to create more of an attachment and feelings for her. The only feelings I have for her are feelings of guilt and responsibility for her as I married her. Other then that she just feels like a stranger to me. For her it is the other way around she likes me and finds me attractive. But I can see it hurts her as she knows I have no feelings like attraction towards her back. I even feel guilty for having no feelings for her. The marriage and relationship just feel toxic and wrong with both of us unhappy.

My 2 options are to end it at this stage.

Or bring her over give it my best shot to make the marriage work and see how it goes like another poster has said.  But I feel I will always have in the back of my mind that I got married to someone that I never really liked or knew deep down. Currently I have no feelings towards her and do not like the girl. Infact its sad to say this but I actually dislike her. 

Weather my feelings will change when I bring her over I have no idea. I don’t have much experience of being in any serious relationship’s before.  So I am not sure if love and attachment can form between us further down the line or if this whole thing is a recipe for disaster. All I know is it’s a pure gamble at this stage.

 

Edited by Raj242

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On 3/21/2018 at 6:22 PM, simran345 said:

This is a complicated situation to be in. You need to make a wise decision and it’s like whatever decision you make, you hope it will be the right one. The biggest thing that’s making you feel guilty about ending it is that she’s from India and from a poor family. Not only the girl, but her family will have a high hopes of their daughter going abroad and it is winning the lottery.  They will be very hurt and it may affect her future of getting married. 

Your parents were part of this dilemma you’re in now, sorry to say that, but which parents don’t let their son or daughter talk to their future spouse? It’s 2018, not 1940’s. You also had your chance to say no within that hour. But Maya took over and you were more concerned about your families and her families feelings. This is an easy situation to get into from elders pressures. 

I would have said go with what you’re heart says, intuition is normally right. But on the other hand, somebody else’s life is going to be ruined and like you said you’ll have it on your conscious for a long time, and with bad wishes people probably from her side. 

Really don’t know what to advise, but are Sikh helpline or any organisation able to advise on matters like this? 

Thanks

This summoned it up pretty well. I know relatives from the UK who have married back home and have now divorced having brought the girl over. I don’t want to end up in a similar situation or in an unhappy marriage for the rest of my life.  I don’t want to drag some poor girl half way round the world only for her to end up in some council flat by herself stranded with no one and divorced. That would just destroy me and make me feel even worse.

She has said to me on many occasions that ‘I don’t like her’. I think she has caught onto my true feelings. I am not into this marriage at all. One is the fact I feel I was emotionally blackmailed into it. So, I am just not making as a much of an effort.

My main concern is for the girl. I don’t want any harm to come to her and I am trying to minimize this as much as possible. I was just thinking of owning up and saying we rushed into the whole thing.

I am thinking about what would be best in the long term. In the short term bringing her over would make her family and herself happy initially. But in the long term if we broke up and separated that would crush the family even more. Who wants their daughter to end up being divorced and all alone in a foreign country with no hopes and future. At least if she is India they will have control of their daughter’s destiny and future and she will be supported. In the UK she has no one. I don’t want to be responsible for  this.

 

Edited by Raj242

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