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Raj242

Forced Marriage

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Forced Arranged marriage - India

Please only reply if you have experience in such matters.

I went to India this year to do an arranged marriage. I have never married or had any relationships before. Due to my age (32) was finding it very difficult to find a marriage partner in the UK. My family and I decided the best thing would be to go to India to find a girl. We went there with a positive frame of mind hoping to find someone decent, honorable and from a good family. As my age was getting on I was not being fussy or bothered to much about the girls looks as I was not exactly perfect myself. What mattered more was her personality and if she was kind and considerate and from a good family. I have always been told that the really good-looking ones can be be a handful anyway.

When we got there, we did the usual thing of finding someone (vachola) who finds ristas. They were not the best, in all we had 2 of them. They were more concerned about money more than anything and it was difficult to trust them. As time went on- (we stayed there for 2 months) In that time we simply could not find anyone that was compatible and suitable. Many of the girls I did not like in one way or another without sounding shallow, they were not that nice looking. I am not superficial in terms of looks. I was not looking for aisha rai or a super model. But I thought it was important that there was a certain level of attraction for me to have for the girl.

Anyway, as time went on we realized that options were limited over there.  In the end we only find 2 suitable ristas out of 10 girls we saw.At one point we were actually thinking of returning home due to not finding a suitable match. Due to the chaotic nature of being in India with all the pressures with an arranged marriage from family members over there. We decided on a girl at the last minute. The only problem was that we did not follow the usual protocol of meeting the girls family and having a proper conversation with them beforehand. It was just a spontaneous decision to agree to the marriage on a whim. The only contact we had was seeing the girl briefly for a few minutes and the mother at the gurdwara. Other then that it was virtually a blind marriage. I did not get a chance to talk to the girl even once.

It took a while for things to move forward with the girls family not agreeing to the marriage in the first place. It took a lot of persuading from the vacholas to get them to agree. When they finally agreed. We was over the moon for a while.

We then had the shagun(engagement)

It was after this stage that serious doubts started to emerge for me. The girl looked very different from the girl we had seen before prior to the shagun. To put it bluntly I did not find her attractive which I think is important in a marriage partner. I was having doubts about the whole wedding. I also saw and met the family for the first time. They were extremely poor. This did not bother me that much but the family were not the best either. Many of the older women from their family were divorcees it did not seem like the best of families.

It suddenly dawned on me that we completely rushed into the marriage without taking time to meet the family, talking to the girl or even visiting their house before we agreed to the marriage. But having said all this it was to late. We had completed the Shagun. Family pressure at this stage was immense. Seeing everyone so overjoyed and happy. Seeing my mother so happy it was difficult to tell anyone my true feelings.

I did not want to sound shallow or big headed and tell everyone that I did not like the girl. Most importantly for me though was that I did not like the girl from the inside. There was no emotional connection or chemistry. I found here to be rude, inconsiderate, immature and basically not my type at all. It was all our fault somewhere along the line from the girl’s side to my family’s side as we both rushed into to it without doing even basic research. Like finding out the girls age.

I do however believe the onus was on the girls side to meet us properly at their house before agreeing to such a big decision. We asked them on numerous times for us to come over but they refused. I do feel that they did not want to us to find out they were so poor. Most importantly invite us around so we could have a proper chat with the girl. It was like everything was done without following the proper protocols and procedures. At the same time pressure was mounting from all sides to complete the marriage now that we had agreed to it.

A few days before the wedding I eventually let my true feelings out in the open. I told my parents that my gut feeling was we were making the wrong decision. Based on the fact that we did not even speak to the girl beforehand, did not speak to their family or visit their house. It was arranged and organised from far distance by the vacholas who’s only interest was receiving their payments. It seemed like a lottery if this marriage was to work.

Postponement

BUT.  And this is were all the contention and acrimony lies.

Due to all the stress of family pressure and not hurting the brides family along with a million different emotions and feelings. I said to my family I want to put the wedding on hold for a few days and then make my decision if I wanted to go ahead with the wedding after that period.This request was unequivocally rejected.  I was told that I had 1 hour to make a decision – yes or no, I was put on the spot. I was told by an older member of the family. I could not postpone the wedding as they said if I postponed the wedding then ended it after I would hurt the family twice. I don’t understand this logic then and still don’t know. All I wanted was some time to make the decision.

I had to say either yes or no within this short time frame. At the time I had a lot of pressure to say yes from family members. But deep down I knew I was not sure. I did not want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I was completely unsure of what to do.I thought the best thing to do in these circumstances is take some time to think about it as it’s a big decision that will affect me for the rest of my life. All my pleas for more time to think were completely rejected. I was under enormous pressure. The decision was not easy. I felt if I said ‘NO’ to the marriage I would have let everyone down as we had completed the shagun ceremony. At the same time there was no point going ahead if I had serious doubts.

My only last option that I thought was the best solution was to return to the uk and put the wedding on hold. This would give us time to think about it rationally and sensibly with a clear head away from India and the pressure from family, vachole ect.However, I was never given the option of thinking about it. I was instead given the option of saying yes or No in a 1 hour time frame. Due to not being given the time I needed I now think I have made the wrong decision by going ahead with the marriage.

I have now married this girl and believe I have made the wrong decision. I do not know what to do.  Having spent 2 weeks in India with her I can honestly say there is nothing about her that I like at all and no connection. I don’t blame the girl though as this whole marriage was rushed and done by our families without meeting each other and talking beforehand to se if we liked each each other.Now I am not sure what to do. I think both families have made a big mistake. I am very distressed at this point. I feel more anger towards my family for pressuring to go ahead with the marriage more then anything. I feel the girl is completely blameless. Some family are saying to not bring over the girl. But then I will have to live the with guilt of ruining someone’s life forever.

I am now faced with the prospect of bringing over this girl to the UK. I feel deep down we are not compatible. But now having done the marriage I am now obliged to follow through with it and do not know what the future will hold for us. What if we have kids then get divorced. It will make things a 100 times worse for us and everyone involved.

I have now 2 options now.

To go ahead and bring this girl over knowing we are not compatible and I am not attracted to her. There being a chance we will have kids then a divorce which will make things 100 times worse for both of us.

Or just ending the marriage before it has even began and paying off any costs the girls side has. Also note we specifically did not ask for a dowry from the girl’s family.

All I know is whatever I do. Its not going to be easy. My gut instinct is saying. Call this whole thing off. Go to India again and find someone I am more confident I will be happy with. Instead of just hoping that I will eventually come to like the girl I married and enduring an unhappy marriage.

At the moment. I just wish I never agreed to this marriage in the first place. But I cannot turn back time now. Currently I have stopped speaking to parents as I believe they should have given me more time to properly think this through before going ahead with the marriage.

Please help if you have been in similar situations. 

Many Thanks

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Raj242
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Guest Question Answer

It's a lengthy post, so excuse me for asking:

Did you actually Marry each other? A Civicl Ceremony and Anand Karaj?

Or 

Have you agreed to Marry and you don't feel as though you can go through with this?

Thanks

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Guest Sim

I can't believe educated people still do this nonsense. Did you really think just because you're "32", "getting on with age" going to India meeting a couple of people and saying yes to one under pressure is what a 32 year old is expected to do?

You have to put the word out to many vicholas not one and the larger agencies in big cities have a whole list and are  better than some vichola who wants quick money. They also have an extensive list of people abroad. Also why go to India to find a match when there are enough women in UK?

Anyways if I were you I would call it off, compensate them and tell them the truth. Next time get to know someone instead of making things convenient for yourself and your age.

 

 

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50 minutes ago, Raj242 said:

I have now married this girl and believe I have made the wrong decision. I do not know what to do.

Boy, what a pickle you've gotten yourself into.

50 minutes ago, Raj242 said:

Please only reply if you have experience in such matters.

I think there are very few people who have undergone the particular set of mistakes after mistakes that your family has. It would be better to say "Please only reply if you have something useful to say."

Just as a TLDR for people reading: The guy goes to India to get married. Unable to find girl. Finds one at the last moment, but doesn't talk to her. Accepts proposal. Family doesn't investigate girl, or even go to her house. Has misgivings, family basically forces him to accept marriage. Now is married and has even more misgivings.

Where to even start? You make one mistake, and then there are only bad options from that point forward.

I'm going to say some stuff that won't help you since this is water under the bridge, but it might help other people out there: 

First of all, you should have started your search after getting to India. There's Internet now, plus cheap long distance calling, smartphones, and Whatsapp. You should already have had a shortlist of candidates to personally meet before you touched down at the airport.

Secondly, the whole point behind arranged marriage is that your family fully vets the other party. It's quite sad to see that your family did not perform their function, that's the most important thing that parents are going to do in their life.

Have you talked with the girl at all after your marriage?

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48 minutes ago, BhForce said:

 

Have you talked with the girl at all after your marriage?

I spent a week with the girl after the marriage. We did not exactly hit it off. I found her to be quite abrupt, aggressive and inconsiderate. There was no feelings of a connection. It was hardly surprising as we had not spoken before the marriage. So it was like two complete strangers. I know arranged marriages are not easy and it takes time for an attachment to form.

But from the time I spent wit her I did not think we was compatible at all.  I am not sure how bringing her over and living together is going to change all this. Hence why I was thinking of ending it now before there is any more heartake and problems in the future for us and our families.

Belive me this is the last thing I wanted to do. I have heard stories before Of men going to India getting married and abandoning their wifes. I never thought I would be in this position. I know that I can recover being  financially secure in the uk. 

My main worry is for the girl being as she comes from a poor background and living with the guilt of abandoning the girl. At the same time I have to think of my happiness and future also. Its just an extremely difficult situation. The girl rings me regularly and is more into me then I am into her. She is very keen on coming to the UK for a better life. This whole situation has caused much fighting in my household with everyone blaming everyone but themselves. Marriage is supposed to be a happy occasions. But this marriage has caused a big rift in the family.I am currently not talking to my father who I believe did not give my adequate time to make my decision on the marriage. He is refusing to accept any blame. 

All I know is a girls life could be about to be ruined in India. I hold my family responsible for this. But they are saying they did nothing wrong. 

 

Edited by Raj242

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Sounds a bit like big_tera's situation.

If i was you i would try to make the marriage work if you can bring her over then do it. Give her a chance to try and be a good wife to you. After all most of our parents generation did have arranged marriages to complete strangers but most made successful marriages out of them as love grows eventually and you settle and grow with the person.

If marriage doesn't work eventually then just divorcee go your own ways but I think now that your married you need to see it through as a man and do the decent thing by doing your best to make it work.

I wouldn't call it a forced marriage because you willingly married wanted to find a girl to get married and agreed to the marriage you only felt forced during the later stages when the marriage was nearly completed. Everyone gets nerves but they are greater if you hardly no the person and have very many doubts.

There are many guys out there in loveless marriages but are doing their duty to their wives and family and their kids by staying together.

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12 minutes ago, genie said:

I wouldn't call it a forced marriage because you willingly married wanted to find a girl to get married and agreed to the marriage you only felt forced during the later stages when the marriage was nearly completed.

Yeah, when I first saw this topic, I thought basically the same thought. It's not like some girl was forced to marry some 82 year old.

But I agree that his family acted abusively and compulsively.

14 minutes ago, genie said:

After all most of our parents generation did have arranged marriages to complete strangers but most made successful marriages out of them as love grows eventually and you settle and grow with the person.

Well, in our grandparents generation, they didn't even see each other before their weddings, much less talk.

Also, having sex has a way of increasing feelings towards each other. It's possible the guy is holding off on having sex because he's undecided about the marriage.

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50 minutes ago, BhForce said:

But I agree that his family acted abusively and compulsively.

I have a problem with him thinking or calling it a forced marriage. From what I read his parents did not force him to marry that woman nor incaite the forceful going out to find a woman to marry in india. It was him who decided he should do that, he only felt forced when he had doubts at the later stages of the marriage ceremony.

Problem is the dynamics of Sikh / Indian marriages and white marriages are different with different set of pressures. With sikh/indian families once you agree to marry a person then thats it you basically saying you are going to marry that person no if's or buts the chances to back out were during the time of selecting a potential partner or at the very last step of breaking off the engagement.

With white families its easier for them to accept if their son/daughter has cold feet and doesnt want to marry a person or doesnt want to stay with them even at the church alter. Whereas with Indian/sikh families because usually the sons stay within the parents family home and bring the wife to live with the family then it gets difficult for him to stay in a happy home if he has let his parents down in front of the relatives and community. The relationship could break down completely, thats why I think he felt forced to marry that woman. It is a difficult one but If I was in the same position I would just see it as kismat(fate) and destiny to be married to that woman and just try make it work as best as I could.

 

 

Edited by genie

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53 minutes ago, genie said:

I have a problem with him thinking or calling it a forced marriage. From what I read his parents did not force him to marry that woman nor incaite the forceful going out to find a woman to marry in india. It was him who decided he should do that, he only felt forced when he had doubts at the later stages of the marriage ceremony.

Well, for me, the failure of the parents to do due diligence is stupendous. For example, they didn't even ask her age?

As I said, our grandparents generation did not even see the prospective marriage partners before marriage, so I'm not arguing against arranged marriage. But if the parents were going to do the marriage without even having the guy talk to the girl, they should have agreed on that in the family beforehand, not as a last moment thing.

I don't think it's a good thing to say, "Oh well, we paid for non-changeable, non-refundable 2-month air tickets, so if we haven't found a suitable girl, we'll just marry him off to the very last girl we saw without even letting him talk to the girl".

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This is a complicated situation to be in. You need to make a wise decision and it’s like whatever decision you make, you hope it will be the right one. The biggest thing that’s making you feel guilty about ending it is that she’s from India and from a poor family. Not only the girl, but her family will have a high hopes of their daughter going abroad and it is winning the lottery.  They will be very hurt and it may affect her future of getting married. 

Your parents were part of this dilemma you’re in now, sorry to say that, but which parents don’t let their son or daughter talk to their future spouse? It’s 2018, not 1940’s. You also had your chance to say no within that hour. But Maya took over and you were more concerned about your families and her families feelings. This is an easy situation to get into from elders pressures. 

I would have said go with what you’re heart says, intuition is normally right. But on the other hand, somebody else’s life is going to be ruined and like you said you’ll have it on your conscious for a long time, and with bad wishes people probably from her side. 

Really don’t know what to advise, but are Sikh helpline or any organisation able to advise on matters like this? 

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6 hours ago, Raj242 said:

I spent a week with the girl after the marriage. We did not exactly hit it off. I found her to be quite abrupt, aggressive and inconsiderate. There was no feelings of a connection. It was hardly surprising as we had not spoken before the marriage. So it was like two complete strangers. I know arranged marriages are not easy and it takes time for an attachment to form.

But from the time I spent wit her I did not think we was compatible at all.  I am not sure how bringing her over and living together is going to change all this. Hence why I was thinking of ending it now before there is any more heartake and problems in the future for us and our families.

Belive me this is the last thing I wanted to do. I have heard stories before Of men going to India getting married and abandoning their wifes. I never thought I would be in this position. I know that I can recover being  financially secure in the uk. 

My main worry is for the girl being as she comes from a poor background and living with the guilt of abandoning the girl. At the same time I have to think of my happiness and future also. Its just an extremely difficult situation. The girl rings me regularly and is more into me then I am into her. She is very keen on coming to the UK for a better life. This whole situation has caused much fighting in my household with everyone blaming everyone but themselves. Marriage is supposed to be a happy occasions. But this marriage has caused a big rift in the family.I am currently not talking to my father who I believe did not give my adequate time to make my decision on the marriage. He is refusing to accept any blame. 

All I know is a girls life could be about to be ruined in India. I hold my family responsible for this. But they are saying they did nothing wrong. 

 

Raj242 

If you do not want to marry this girl, don't do it and don't feel guilty about it.

She wants to marry you for a better life. She is not interested in you, she is looking for a passport. 

The poorer the craftier they are. The amount of times i have heard about how these girls get married because they are poor and  have these pity marriages.

The minute they come over, they become nasty pieces of work.These kind of girl have no qualms about going abroad then bring their family over and dumping your a**.

The poorer they are and the minute they come to the UK with the higher standard of living, the more big headed they become.

This girl will be a nightmare, the red flags are everywhere. Your parents will regret you marrying someone like that.

People in today's India/Punjab have no guilt, they lack empathy. They will find another sucker to marry this girl to.

Remember in the marriage in India, you have the leverage, you dictate the terms. Be assertive and don't back down, that is the language people in India understand. 

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3 hours ago, Ranjeet01 said:

People in today's India/Punjab have no guilt, they lack empathy.

Agree, some of my relatives are visiting India and they’ve said that the generation now don’t care about anything. They don’t want to work or do the housework, guys or girls, and are quite lazy compared to the previous generation. I thought it was only the people I came across when I went, but three different relatives say the same thing, and said they answer back to the elders more than they do abroad. They don’t give two hoots about them and carry on being oblivious. I was quite shocked to hear this. There are good people but like finding gems in soil, not many. There also needs to be sincerity and empathy like Ranjit paji says. It’s a gamble and because of the distance and differences in the way people are, it’s harder to deal with than if she was from the same country. 

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35 minutes ago, InderjitS said:

Sure it's not him??

Even if it is, it doesn’t matter, its not a nice situation to be in and the OP is wanting somebody to listen to him, which we can do. Im sure there will be others that have been or are in the same situation. Reality sometimes doesn’t meet the expectations one has. 

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1 hour ago, InderjitS said:

Sure it's not him??

Nah...  Big_Tera has a rash on his. 

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