Jump to content

Indian In-laws


Guest 2018
 Share

Recommended Posts

Monatosingh ji

when i say abuse I mean it’s verbal. I have recordings saved from previous occasions which I’m hoping I never have to use. 

Yes there are times where I will answer back to him and make the situation worse.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

19 hours ago, Guest 2018 said:

I believe in gurus bani and try to do path every day. I used to feel very stressed and used to have dark thoughts. I added chaupai sahib path to my morning path and must say it gave me a new perspective to life and made me a lot calmer. Gurbani is a big part of my life and I am trying my utmost best to make my girls understand the power of gurbani  

Yes that’s good Gurbani is helping you. It has helped me too, although it is hard to not ignore what’s going on if they’re in front of you. You have your daughters to distract you from the negativity, so spend more time with them and teach them to listen to or recite Gurbani. 

19 hours ago, Guest 2018 said:

in terms of my family life - I don’t know why I have dark thoughts about ending the marriage but I guess I will never stop trying to build it  and making it work  

This normal thought. It’s because you are not happy from inside. Your soul feels the love and loyalty of a marriage missing. God knows how many times I’ve been through the same thoughts, but then you just have to focus on the qualities of your marriage, rather than the negative points. Next time you get these thoughts, pause and take a deep breath. Think to yourself it’s just a thought and it will pass, it can’t harm you. Then focus on what’s around you, and divert your attention elsewhere. Imagine the thought flying away in a cloud. 

I think you should see a counsellor, it will help you. 

19 hours ago, Guest 2018 said:

My inlaws tried to blame me and said I don’t keep in contact and that they ring me and I don’t answer and that if I don’t talk to them how will they help me.

Same thing happens with me, but I just don’t have the energy to bother talking to them anymore. If I do, I know I’ll be given a mehna, insults along the line, so I just decided not too. I just don’t feel too and if I’m future I do, I’ll be more stronger to deal with it. But now I need to put my health first, as I’ve let them get to that too much. You have to understand some people have a habit of lieing. That’s weird, the same thing happened with me. Don’t know why they do it, must be some sort of insecurity or jealousy of not being as sincere as you. It maybe because you are doing everything right as a wife and mother and they are feeling that they may lose their son or brother or whatever. But that’s unlikely to happen as he’s always going to be theirs. They probably have painted a picture of you in their minds of you taking him away. But that’s so stupid, because on one hand they wanted him to get married abroad and on the other, they don’t want to see him happy with you.  

To be honest, I think it’s because you’re from another country and areca strong woman, that’s the barrier they’ve put in front to not like you. I don’t think it’s got anything to do with the way you are, it’s just pure jealousy, nothing else and them wanting what you have.  I can imagine his brother or other relatives thinking like that, but don’t know why his father and mother would. It would be very silly and immature of them to not want you to be happy either. 

You also need to give him some space and not stop him from talking to them. After all they are his parents and family. It must be hard for him also to be in a different country away from his family who he grew up with. But now he has his own family he should also be taking responsibility. He won’t go, but maybe suggest some counselling for him also. Don’t answer him back, as that’s what he will be wanting to escalate it further. Just walk away from the argument into another room. Start listening to Gurbani or doing Simran, that will divert your attention. 

It’s good to let it out. I feel good too, that I’ve not been the only one going through the same.  I’ll say it direct to you without the sweet talk . They married their son off in hope for a better life for themselves also  . And there’s nothing wrong with that, but as long as there’s respect and love also, as you are their daughter in law after all and shouldn’t be treated as a stranger.  Also the brother visiting, didn’t really come to see your husband as much as he says. It’s because, to make a good record for immigration, so next time he comes, he’ll stay for longer.  They know all the schemes, that’s my opinion, I could be wrong but it’s more likely that’s the case. And also to show that they support him, he’s not alone, which I don’t see why they need to know. 

The way they’ve gone about it isn’t good, so it creates negativity towards them from you and they haven’t made it fair for your daughters either. But just say Waheguru, it is what it is and let them sort it out. You just carry on being a good wife and mother and ask for Guruji’s support.  Don’t hate anybody from within and also don’t let others hurt your own soul. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

19 hours ago, Guest 2018 said:

Monatosingh ji

when i say abuse I mean it’s verbal. I have recordings saved from previous occasions which I’m hoping I never have to use. 

Yes there are times where I will answer back to him and make the situation worse.

 

Verbal abuse has almost the same consequences as physical abuse.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

20 hours ago, Guest guest said:

i really respect your noble behaviour in the face such unpleasantness.

my guess is: 1) you (unknowingly?) offended one of his family one day in the past and they felt deeply insulted and consequently have stirred up everyone against you in 'retribution'. 2) someone has accused you of something (jadu tuna, backbiting, gossip, infidelity (someone told them they saw you somewhere), stealing money, making plots against them, trying to get hold of their money etc or something else) and now they all treat you with suspicion.  

these are just guesses.

my advice would be to try and open up some communication with either your husband or your mother-in-law, when they are alone with you.  say something like 'have i offended you at some point in the past?  if so i am sorry.  i did not mean to.  could you explain to me what it was?'.  

maybe explain to your husband your are his wife and he can talk to you and you are willing to listen etc

 

maybe her inlaws are just not good hearted people ... such people make up excuses for their bad behaviour by blaming an innocent party .
She had tried her best to be non-confrontational and put up with unreasonable behaviour, and tried reasoning with them individually and jointly . There are only so many things a person can try and besides physical violence was used against her and there is no justification for that.

As for telling her husband the obvious, his mindset is that as her husband he is entitled to mistreat her as he wants ...i.e. ownership

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Kaur 2

VJKK VJKF

20 hours ago, Guest 2018 said:

WJKK WJKF

thank you to all whom have responded. Your kind words mean a lot me. Thank you. 

I believe in gurus bani and try to do path every day. I used to feel very stressed and used to have dark thoughts. I added chaupai sahib path to my morning path and must say it gave me a new perspective to life and made me a lot calmer. Gurbani is a big part of my life and I am trying my utmost best to make my girls understand the power of gurbani  

in terms of my family life - I don’t know why I have dark thoughts about ending the marriage but I guess I will never stop trying to build it  and making it work  

Simran penji- you asked if my parents have spoken to his - yes they have but it’s no good or use. My parents have spoken to his on many occasions but they don’t respond to anything and try to plead ignorance. They play mind games and claim they try to intervene but are afraid they might make things worse. My parents have now come to know of their double standards and have on numerous times reminded them of their parental responsibilities.

It’s a shame my parents didn’t believe me when I told them but witnessed it themselves. My parents went to India and visited my inlaws and were discussing us and the issues we faced. My inlaws tried to blame me and said I don’t keep in contact and that they ring me and I don’t answer and that if I don’t talk to them how will they help me. My parents asked them to call me that very moment, they pretended to call me and said she’s not answering.  My parents then rang me off their phone and passed the phone to them and they honestly didn’t know what to say. 

I have even said to both parents if I’m in the wrong then please tell me off and guide me on the right path. 

My parents haven’t always taken my side, they treat my husband as their own son and made him feel welcome in their own home. They didn’t want him to feel the absense of his own parents when he first came here and helped to fulfil his dreams. I suppose somewhere along the line my parents thought he would think they are favouring their own daughter over him. But over the years my parents have gotten to know him very well and are fully aware of his change in behaviour around his parents and in general.

I don’t involve my parents in any conflicts anymore I try to deal with them head on. 

I don’t really know where I’m going with this thread anymore. But it feels good to have it out there.   

 

Its so good that you do paath in this age of spiritual ignorance and I'm glad its helping you. Maharaj will always have your back and He will bless you with happiness too. Its like the saying: The fruit of patience is always sweet. Maybe they need a little bit of time to themselves to reflect upon what they have done. Do not take BS when its not your fault but don't answer back rudely either. You need to show them that you are not taking any of it but at the same time you need to be polite too. If you need anymore help penji then please do feel free to express any problems or worries here. We are always here for you...  NO-ONE deserves to be treated like that. Forgive me for all the mistakes I have made.

 

VJKK VJKF

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My ones are similar. .. I have been visited by them. Due to lack of space. .  I sleep with my son and my hubby sleeps downstairs.  I get no help in cooking.  They sit with my hubby to gossip.  I work in the kitchen.  All my gossip gets recited to me by family members and outsiders alike.  Everyone knows everything which goes on in our home.  How clean it is. Where and when I go shopping,  how I behave etc.

However they plan to move out soon.  I have spent nearly 20 years in this switched off emotional state. There is nothing more you can do.. but focus on yourself and keep trying.  Some people will never change so change yourself. .. I take care of myself now and only do the much I can handle. 

Thoughts of divorce come and go but will the grass really be greener on the other side? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

18 minutes ago, sikhni777 said:

Thoughts of divorce come and go but will the grass really be greener on the other side?

Also where are we suppose to go? If there was another house, I would have left ages ago and gone there. In India, the women are always going to their parents house, but here once you’re married, that’s it and are expected to get on with it, thick or thin. Also we’re more sincere here, but most women there don’t stand for anything. We are more forgiving and think, chal ho and forgive and forget many times and try to make the marriage work. Wheareas in India, they just lie to each other about everything and we just say it how it is. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

24 minutes ago, sikhni777 said:

However they plan to move out soon.  I have spent nearly 20 years in this switched off emotional state.

That is good news, finally you will be able to move forwards penji. They will probably be more respectful when they are further away. It’s when they see other families and realise that their daughter in laws aren’t bad, then they will change. I’m so happy for you ?. Hugs ? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Kaur 2

VJKK VJKF

2 minutes ago, simran345 said:

Also where are we suppose to go? If there was another house, I would have left ages ago and gone there. In India, the women are always going to their parents house, but here once you’re married, that’s it and are expected to get on with it, thick or thin. Also we’re more sincere here, but most women there don’t stand for anything. We are more forgiving and think, chal ho and forgive and forget many times and try to make the marriage work. Wheareas in India, they just lie to each other about everything and we just say it how it is. 

I honestly pray this doesn't happen to anyone and to the people it has already been happening to I hope it gets better. I know how it feels: I am only 13 but the oldest child (out of 4 siblings me and my brother and my chachi's two children) and I also live with my chachi and chacha and right from the beginning they have always done farka (treated me and my blood brother) differently to their kids. They constantly teach their kids that me and my actual brother are not their family. I have to hear everything from my chachi in the morning and in the afternoon when my chacha comes I have to hear stuff from him too, apparently I (being the oldest) spoil all my other brothers and sister. I constantly tell him that I am not responsible for their actions because I don't control them its always my fault if they do something wrong and they always say stuff to me when my mum is not in the room. The worst thing is that every morning my chachi does paath yet she doesn't have even an ounce of nimarta and she is filled with hatred for me and my brother just because my mom is pregnant and she has to do extra work, I do more housework than her (for my mum's sake) and yet she still moans. Yesterday I was eating roti and my chacha came and started to have a go at me, I started to cry and didn't even finish my roti but rushed to my mum and told my mum how I felt and started to cry out of pain because I still speak sweetly to my chachi and chacha every morning I say god morning to them and they just ignore me. I honestly don't know what to do and my mum also feels bad because my chachi and chacha are taking anger out me and I suffer the most, every minute of living in my house seems like pure pain, everyday I cry and wonder what I have done wrong. I turn to Maharaj because I feel Guruji knows what I am going through. I hope no-one has to go what I go through everyday. If Sangat could give me advice then I would really appreciate it. That's why I came back to this website because of the pain I needed to share.

VJKK VJKF

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share


  • advertisement_alt
  • advertisement_alt
  • advertisement_alt


  • Topics

  • Posts

    • yeh it's true, we shouldn't be lazy and need to learn jhatka shikaar. It doesn't help some of grew up in surrounding areas like Slough and Southall where everyone thought it was super bad for amrit dharis to eat meat, and they were following Sant babas and jathas, and instead the Singhs should have been normalising jhatka just like the recent world war soldiers did. We are trying to rectifiy this and khalsa should learn jhatka.  But I am just writing about bhog for those that are still learning rehit. As I explained, there are all these negative influences in the panth that talk against rehit, but this shouldn't deter us from taking khanda pahul, no matter what level of rehit we are!
    • How is it going to help? The link is of a Sikh hunter. Fine, but what good does that do the lazy Sikh who ate khulla maas in a restaurant? By the way, for the OP, yes, it's against rehit to eat khulla maas.
    • Yeah, Sikhs should do bhog of food they eat. But the point of bhog is to only do bhog of food which is fit to be presented to Maharaj. It's not maryada to do bhog of khulla maas and pretend it's OK to eat. It's not. Come on, bro, you should know better than to bring this Sakhi into it. Is this Sikh in the restaurant accompanied by Guru Gobind Singh ji? Is he fighting a dharam yudh? Or is he merely filling his belly with the nearest restaurant?  Please don't make a mockery of our puratan Singhs' sacrifices by comparing them to lazy Sikhs who eat khulla maas.
    • Seriously?? The Dhadi is trying to be cute. For those who didn't get it, he said: "Some say Maharaj killed bakras (goats). Some say he cut the heads of the Panj Piyaras. The truth is that they weren't goats. It was she-goats (ਬਕਰੀਆਂ). He jhatka'd she-goats. Not he-goats." Wow. This is possibly the stupidest thing I've ever heard in relation to Sikhi.
    • Instead of a 9 inch or larger kirpan, take a smaller kirpan and put it (without gatra) inside your smaller turban and tie the turban tightly. This keeps a kirpan on your person without interfering with the massage or alarming the masseuse. I'm not talking about a trinket but rather an actual small kirpan that fits in a sheath (you'll have to search to find one). As for ahem, "problems", you could get a male masseuse. I don't know where you are, but in most places there are professional masseuses who actually know what they are doing and can really relieve your muscle pains.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use