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emergency advice - Breaking off Engagement


Big_Tera
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12 hours ago, Big_Tera said:

So you think this is jokem Shows the age of your brain. Which is probably still in single units. 

It is a joke mate. What sort of a <banned word filter activated> agrees to get married to a complete stranger without having spoken to her and then comes to a forum to seek advice on breaking the engagement off a day before the wedding because errm she has a rash on her hands. You are a joke.

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@Big_Tera Dude, when someone recommends a type of car you take their advice, when someone recommends a life partner you don't go and marry them without even meeting them at least once, personally, i i were you i would have spoken to may parents as soon as i had doubts, i wouldn't be posting for advice on the internet.

As far as the repercussions, you can forget about going to India for a while because they don't forget stuff like this in a hurry, you know, izzat and all, anyway, like i said, speak to your parents, you never know, they might listen and understand.

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Big Tera 

You need to be more firm and assertive when dealing in these matters. 

Hope you have learnt some lessons here. 

These type of life changing decisions cannot be taken lightly. 

Still, it could have been worse. 

I heard of a situation some years ago where the groom was waiting for his bride in the anand karaj and the bride bottled it.

Her sister stepped in and married him instead. 

Still,  if you are thinking of going to India for marriage,  there are still plenty of fish (metaphorically speaking). 

Being a foreigner/westerner  going to India for marriage is a buyer's market  (sorry for this term).

The reality is that you can turn one girl down and there are 20 to take her place. 

Keep this in mind if you are going back there for marriage. 

You dictate the terms to the vachola and don't back down.

That is the langauge they understand. 

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1 hour ago, MisterrSingh said:

There are many issues Sikh men need to be aware of when entering a life-long commitment whether it's with a woman from India, or a young lady from any respective western country in question. Unfortunately, it's somewhat of an uncomfortable truth that Punjabi fathers are themselves ill-equipped to advise their sons on the various ways of successfully traversing married life. Maybe this will change as people of my generation become fathers to their own children of marriageable age in the next 20 or so years, but I think that era will offer its own set of unique challenges.

Generally, it's practically a sink or swim mentality amongst our people, and that leads to many serious issues that could easily be avoided if we just talked or even just frankly identified a few of the important issues to consider when selecting a partner AND the various issues that can arise between a couple after marriage, as well as identifying the problems that are unique to our culture regarding extended family norms, etc. Most of this soul-searching and analysis must begin before the marriage, before selecting a partner.

There's TOO much to comprehensively identify and discuss here, but as an overview I will say that if you're going the traditional way of finding a partner through an introduction via a third party, just do yourself a favour and quickly eliminate from your mind any thoughts of romance and any other subjective ideas that will impair your judgement. If the institution of marriage is a serious concern to you, and one you plan to undertake just the once, then for God's sake use your brain, and don't take your cues from entertainment and other nonsensical soft-cultural influences. Be as dispassionate and as cool-headed as possible. Think about the sort of progeny that will result from your union with a lady, because ultimately you should be viewing a marriage as a method of securing the future of your lineage. This kind of approach to marriage isn't only for royalty and the elite families of the world. Sometimes, unavoidable bad stuff happens that you can't account for, but if you're attributing everything to fate and luck, you're going to be in for a shock.

If this seems like I'm talking about breeding horses instead of humans and fostering relationships, then I apologise, but marriage and its related financial and social issues - that can destroy lives when it all falls apart - is a serious business.

Look at not only the girl in question and her respective physical and personality traits, but analyse her family, too. Is there an errant sibling in the family? Maybe there's more than two? Could the potential person of interest be shielding their true nature for the purposes of securing an engagement? Look at the parents: are they loud and boisterous beyond the usual jolly Punjabi demeanour? Is their brash nature an endearing quality or does it suggest an unfortunate lack of manners and common sense? Could this be an indication of more concerning traits and values they've passed on to your potential marriage partner? Would you be upset if similar ingrained traits were passed onto your children? There's SO much to sift through if you aren't in the habit of leaving things to chance. 

If you're going in with a head full of dreams and half-baked fantasies of everlasting love and romance, you're going to be disappointed. Marriage, even on a good day, is hard work. Give yourself a fighting chance by opening your eyes and your mind before entering such situations.

Great post.

Ultimately we can and should use our God given senses and intuition to make a life changing decision but it boils down to sanjog. Whether we like the look of parents, the potential partner, etc, there is this large chunk of pre-destiny that comes to play. 

I'm a perfect example of this. Before I chose to marry, I had spoken to a few girls in Punjab about what's important to me/them, a little about Sikhi, what the UK would be like, whether they were happy and happy to do household work and so forth. You could say I treated it like an interview.

I was sitting on the fence right up until the day before we were due to fly back, and my mother was pressing me to make up my mind.   The final decision was made based on what my Grandfather knew about the family (they spent a lot of time in our pind as due to her Fufar living there), I greatly respect his wisdom and the investigative work by my own Fufar, this is what sealed our fate :grin.

 

 


 

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4 minutes ago, Ranjeet01 said:

That is why it is important to read between the lines.

That's exactly what needs to be done. It's a balancing act. The days of our parents and grandparents is long gone, where two people were thrown together and expected to get on with it, and generally speaking they successfully cracked on with things, minus all the over-thinking and analysis I'm suggesting. Things often just worked, not without any problems, of course, but not at the level we're seeing in contemporary times. That probably has something to do with the shift in mentality of society, towards a rather individualistic approach to life amongst other things.

As you mentioned about reading between the lines, that's essential. The balance of adjudging someone's personality as a fit for one's own -- based on what the individual seeking a partner considers to be the morals and values they require in life partner -- is as fine as a knife-edge. Looks and attraction are somewhat important at first, but if the extent of one's expectations and demands for a partner begin and end with a pretty / handsome face, that's just asking for trouble. 

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1 minute ago, MisterrSingh said:

That's exactly what needs to be done. It's a balancing act. The days of our parents and grandparents is long gone, where two people were thrown together and expected to get on with it, and generally speaking they successfully cracked on with things, minus all the over-thinking and analysis I'm suggesting. Things often just worked, not without any problems, of course, but not at the level we're seeing in contemporary times. That probably has something to do with the shift in mentality of society, towards a rather individualistic approach to life amongst other things.

As you mentioned about reading between the lines, that's essential. The balance of adjudging someone's personality as a fit for one's own -- based on what the individual seeking a partner considers to be the morals and values they require in life partner -- is as fine as a knife-edge. Looks and attraction are somewhat important at first, but if the extent of one's expectations and demands for a partner begin and end with a pretty / handsome face, that's just asking for trouble. 

The saying 'beauty is only skin deep' fits perfectly in these scenarios. One can marry the most attractive person possible, but all things need to be taken into account. Will they get on with the family, do they have a sense of humour, are there synergies in values... Appearances whilst important should not be at the forefront of ones mind, it's so easy to be blinded by just one attribute.

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