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Husband Wife relation

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Guest Singhni

WJKK WJKF

Dear sadh sangat jeo. my husband and i have been married for 4 years and have 3 beautiful children. we are both gursikhs and absorb into gurbani simran sewa as much as we can. i personally dont always get to do my nitnem as our children are so young but i try to repeat as much bani during the day as possible. anyway i wanted to ask. my husband and i have a very active sex life EDITED.. we havent done a kuret have we? we are a very simple down to earth humble family and just dont want to go off the wrong path. we love each other very much and love sikhi very much. we just humbly ask the sadh sangat to direct us. if we have comitted a kuret we will most definately go pesh at the next opportunity. if it is not a kuret is it ok to enjoy such 2 actions as husband and wife?

humbly with folded hands

WJKK WJKF

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This is something that the sangat cannot say, this is something that you and your partner have to look at. 

In my opinion what happens between spouses should be between spouses. You guys know best.

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15 hours ago, Guest Singhni said:

WJKK WJKF

Dear sadh sangat jeo. my husband and i have been married for 4 years and have 3 beautiful children. we are both gursikhs and absorb into gurbani simran sewa as much as we can. i personally dont always get to do my nitnem as our children are so young but i try to repeat as much bani during the day as possible. anyway i wanted to ask. my husband and i have a very active sex life EDITED.. we havent done a kuret have we? we are a very simple down to earth humble family and just dont want to go off the wrong path. we love each other very much and love sikhi very much. we just humbly ask the sadh sangat to direct us. if we have comitted a kuret we will most definately go pesh at the next opportunity. if it is not a kuret is it ok to enjoy actions as husband and wife?

humbly with folded hands

WJKK WJKF

Pen Jee,

No need to disclose so much about your marital intimacy, but only that much I will tell you, before and above any relation with anybody, we have a relation with our heavenly Father Wahiguru Akal Purukh.

Maybe our worldy parents/relations do not reach out at all places we are, but for sure, He, our Mata/Pita, is watching us at times and places, so let us be a bit shameful.

Over indulgence, over excercise than normal of what the body needs of sexual relationship between spouses, is called lust, this degrades us to lower  levels of consciousness, even below beasts.

Sikhee elevates our conciousness  inwards and upwards, to those realms of spirituality, while kaam or lust, pulls us downwards and outwards, into maya and vikars.

So sister, I think you yourself, and your husband are grown up adults, act wisely and in accordance to the teachings of our Guru Sahiban, through Gurbani.  For being gursikhs, is something very high, not just as the verbal level.

Stay blessed.

Sat Sree Akal.

 

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Guest Singhni

WJKK WJKF

Thank you very much for your replies. I appreciate the third party view on this. We shall both go pesh ASAP. May I take this opportunity to apologise to the virtual sadh sangat we shall both try our hardest to avoid such actions and try to focus on bettering ourselves. 

 

Are there any tips/advise anyone willing to share in how to avoid overindulging in the physical relationship between husband and wife? Although 10th Gurujee says its ok to have relation daily - we want/should lessen this in order to grow spiritually...so any help?

 

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Guest Adult

Are there any moderators on this site that can put threads like this in an adult only section. There are kids on this site after all. 

To the OP...do you really need to go into all the details or could you have asked your question in a different way.  Obviously a lack of judgement.

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11 hours ago, Guest Singhni said:

WJKK WJKF

Thank you very much for your replies. I appreciate the third party view on this. We shall both go pesh ASAP. May I take this opportunity to apologise to the virtual sadh sangat we shall both try our hardest to avoid such actions and try to focus on bettering ourselves. 

 

Are there any tips/advise anyone willing to share in how to avoid overindulging in the physical relationship between husband and wife? Although 10th Gurujee says its ok to have relation daily - we want/should lessen this in order to grow spiritually...so any help?

 

VJKK VJKF

Penji, I'm only 17 so I don't much about husband and wife relationships however I can advise about something you've said. I'm not having a go or anything; I'm just trying to correct Maharaj's bani. You said that Sri Guru Gobind Singh Ji said to increase your relation everyday between each other everyday. This is true, but vague. The pankti you are referring to is a Shabad that Sri Guru Tegh Bahadur Ji ouchaar to Sri Guru Gobind Singh Ji. They say to Maharaj "Son, (increase) love/care for your wife daily but don't go to another woman's bed in your dreams". They don't say increase your sexual relations with your wife daily - but the love. Kaam can be invoked by love as well but the love is the main source. Love your husband (and vice versa) and increase that love so much that you don't rely on Kaam to feel as intimate with him but just seeing him is enough. Love is also the way to Waheguru as Sri Guru Gobind Singh Ji says as well "Everyone listen, I speak the truth that whoever loves god - only they will obtain/find Waheguru" so the love increased between two Amritdharis daily is bound to harbour a place for Waheguru in your married life as you both were blessed Amrit so both your aims in life are both to reach Waheguru and eventually you will get your destination of this human life as Sri Guru Arjan Dev Ji says "Now is your turn to meet Waheguru (in this human life)" the more love you build up for each other and Waheguru. There's nothing wrong with sexual relations between 2 married persons but anything done out of proportion is detrimental. Guru Nanak Dev Ji tells us that walking this path of Sikhi is "Iike the sharp edge of a sword" and so going over the top with Kaam, even with your spouse, can have effects on the bigger picture. Hope this helps Ji. Forgive me for the mistakes I've made because I've made countless. 

Vaheguru Ji.

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Edited by Singh2017
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Guest Singhni

WJKK WJKF

Thank you all for the replies. You have enabled me to realise that it is not just about sex. I think what it is once you get married and have children you almost feel that the only way to express your love for one another is though physical contact as it just seems you dont have the time to sit down together and talk or better still do Simran/Nitnem together so the only time you have together is at night after work and kids are asleep and you just eel in order to stay connected you need a physical relationship...i dont know..?! That is how I feel. I wish I could go back into my pre-marriage jeevan (humbly admit - was amazingly chardikala)...now I just feel its just touch and go with Gurbani...any thoughts? especially married couppes - care to share any tips?

I apologise for using such adult language - it did not occur to me that there would be children using this site. I am very sorry to the moderators and especially to the sadh sangat that it has effected. s

AI said before we shall both go pesh as soon as possible.

Thanks again.

WJKK WJKF

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10 minutes ago, Guest Singhni said:

WJKK WJKF

Thank you all for the replies. You have enabled me to realise that it is not just about sex. I think what it is once you get married and have children you almost feel that the only way to express your love for one another is though physical contact as it just seems you dont have the time to sit down together and talk or better still do Simran/Nitnem together so the only time you have together is at night after work and kids are asleep and you just eel in order to stay connected you need a physical relationship...i dont know..?! That is how I feel. I wish I could go back into my pre-marriage jeevan (humbly admit - was amazingly chardikala)...now I just feel its just touch and go with Gurbani...any thoughts? especially married couppes - care to share any tips?

I apologise for using such adult language - it did not occur to me that there would be children using this site. I am very sorry to the moderators and especially to the sadh sangat that it has effected. s

AI said before we shall both go pesh as soon as possible.

Thanks again.

WJKK WJKF

Phenji,

I'm not married but shall give my take on it. I can't comment on how you and partner could express your love for one another without being physical due to all the variables that occur in your personal life, this is something you two will have to think about and discuss. Communicate with eachother without hesitation and be completely honest, find things which are suitable and things which fit in with your schedule. This may sound funny but I in no way mean it as a joke - find a long tv series to watch, Netflix etc, one you can immerse yourself in, this is good for time-pass and can count as good quality alone time. I only say this after seeing other couples do it (Gursikhs included) and how much they enjoy it together (and the amount of time they waste on it in some cases). Choose one that doesn't contain too much sexual content obviously. Of course this is just one example, there are probably many things you could do together which can be classed as qwaalty taaim, but this one is good for couples with kids who only have time at night, and who need a distraction.

As for your issue with the more 'adventurous' physical relations, I cannot comment on this either, I have no opinion one way or the other. However, if it is bothering you and you do not wish to continue with it, and I'm using logic here, one tip is to try abstaining from any physical relations for a period of time you deem suitable/take longer gaps in between. Naturally, your desire for one another should be enough so as not to lead you to the more adventurous side. All in all though, really it's the business of the couple what they do behind closed doors, and what is right or wrong if such a thing even exists (which I don't believe it does). Concerning the amount of times per week, this should be up to you, although personally I don't see anything wrong with daily...you are husband and wife after all.

I don't think you need to go pesh either but that's up to you.

If the issue is a case of high libido (and you think this may be hindering you spiritually), then I would suggest seriously looking into Ayurveda to balance this. And I don't mean a baba handing you a bunch of suspicious herbs. Ayurveda is more than just a medical system, it's a way of life governed by what we consume and the effect it has on ones mental and physical wellbeing. Even if high libido isn't the issue, I would still recommend looking into it.

With Gurbani, why don't you both make a target, set days, aims, make a timetable etc. Quality trumps quantity but there are exceptions. This can be a great way to build a new routine. Working towards a goal, especially a Dharmik one, is rewarding in itself.

Hope this helps in some way.

 

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Dear bhenji, 

Remember not to be ashamed and go on with your partner but limit it. You are not getting your feel good hormones from bani therefore you are driven to an alternative source' - physical relation.

It is however a natural way of relieving your stress. Don't feel guilty as you are doing nothing wrong so long as you are with your partner.

Start reading path with your kids. Start teaching them bani too. Get some sakhis and read the.. dedicate some time to do the banis in the morning without interference from kids.

Put your banis on and let the kids listen.  Put shabads on for kids. Tell them meanings. Share Guru Nanak Dev jis sakhis with them. Answer their questions.  Do bani aloud when around kids so they can hear too.

Soon you will find your family is getting satisfaction from bani and you have to indulge less.

However don't let it guilt you or your partner.  Suppressed urges are not good either.  

I am  mum and married too. I am twice your age.  

 

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VAHEGURU JI KA KHALSA VAHEGURU JI KI FATEH

It would be advisable to ask whoever replies to state his/her age and marital status to see if they are close enough to the subject and weigh that comment within that context.

Having a physical relationship with your spouse is not banned or a kurehit.  Excessive indulgence - the only real way to see if it is excessive is whether it impairs your Sikhi.  If you cannot wake up at amritvela, do Naam Simran and Nitnem and further your Sikhi, then any activity being done is being excessive because it hinders Sikhi.  If you are able to maintain your Sikhi and maintain status quo, then it may not be (unless it occupies your mind all day and blocks focus on Naam, Gurbani).

Do you go pesh for such things - no.  Again - NO.

Having kids (especially younger ones - we have a few) leaves very little time for a deep relationship with your spouse.   You may not have the time to embark on  those long walks together or go somewhere without your children present (which again, doesn't real count as wedded couple time).  Somehow a physical relationship with your spouse is being presented as an enemy towards Sikhi.  It's not.  Don't beat yourself up over it.

Don't feel guilty, Don't end up suppressing your physical relationship (and then causing tension and problems with your spouse) - sit down and talk this through with your spouse (not that you have much free time being parents, but try) and keep the lines of communication open, and modify to progress in your Sikhi AND keep a healthy, positive married relationship.  The point of the laavan were that you both progress through your life together towards Akaal Purakh.

Personally the translation of Dasam Bani quoted above (which is from Chritropakhyan) is not as accurate as patshahi10's:

 

sudh jab te ham dhari, bacan gur dae hamare,

put ihe pran tone praan jab lag ghat thare,

nij nari ke sath neh tum nit bodhaio

par nari ki sej bhul supne hu na jayo

Ever since I came of age, the Guru instructed me thus:

Son, take an oath and keep it as long as there is life in you,

Love thy legal wife ever and ever so much that

Not even in a dream should you share the bed of other woman.

Given the context it is in Chritropakhyan, which does deal with physical intimate relationships, it is advisable to keep the above verse also in mind.  Guru Sahib is advising that your relationship with your spouse should be so strong that the thought of another does not enter your mind and you can focus on your Sikhi without having your mind wander to another.  

 

http://patshahi10.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=393:the-history-and-compilation-of-the-dasm-granth-part-4&catid=34:english&Itemid=63

 

 

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On 06/12/2017 at 2:14 PM, Singh2017 said:

VJKK VJKF

Penji, I'm only 17 so I don't much about husband and wife relationships however I can advise about something you've said. I'm not having a go or anything; I'm just trying to correct Maharaj's bani. You said that Sri Guru Gobind Singh Ji said to increase your relation everyday between each other everyday. This is true, but vague. The pankti you are referring to is a Shabad that Sri Guru Tegh Bahadur Ji ouchaar to Sri Guru Gobind Singh Ji. They say to Maharaj "Son, (increase) love/care for your wife daily but don't go to another woman's bed in your dreams". They don't say increase your sexual relations with your wife daily - but the love. Kaam can be invoked by love as well but the love is the main source. Love your husband (and vice versa) and increase that love so much that you don't rely on Kaam to feel as intimate with him but just seeing him is enough. Love is also the way to Waheguru as Sri Guru Gobind Singh Ji says as well "Everyone listen, I speak the truth that whoever loves god - only they will obtain/find Waheguru" so the love increased between two Amritdharis daily is bound to harbour a place for Waheguru in your married life as you both were blessed Amrit so both your aims in life are both to reach Waheguru and eventually you will get your destination of this human life as Sri Guru Arjan Dev Ji says "Now is your turn to meet Waheguru (in this human life)" the more love you build up for each other and Waheguru. There's nothing wrong with sexual relations between 2 married persons but anything done out of proportion is detrimental. Guru Nanak Dev Ji tells us that walking this path of Sikhi is "Iike the sharp edge of a sword" and so going over the top with Kaam, even with your spouse, can have effects on the bigger picture. Hope this helps Ji. Forgive me for the mistakes I've made because I've made countless. 

Vaheguru Ji.

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How are you only 17? :)

Wise words. I always say the love needs to overpower the lust.

Experience the person's heart before u have relations with the person. 

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Guest Vaheguru

There is no limit to the amount of sex, so it's not a Kurehit.

However one should use common sense. If sex occurs too often then the inner life force gets drained. This energy is better spent on Naam Simran. There are other ways to show physical affection other than sex. Try to focus more on hugs, holding hands, sharing a kiss etc

To sum up - it's not a Kurehit having sex often but one does lose out on increasing the inner Naam energy to rise spiritually. 

Personally I think it's better to only have sex once in a while and spend the majority of our energy on bhagti, which is the real reason we came on this earth. Things like intimate hugging increases genuine love more, if done often.

 

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10 hours ago, LightofNaam said:

How are you only 17? :)

Wise words. I always say the love needs to overpower the lust.

Experience the person's heart before u have relations with the person. 

VJKK VJKF

Veerji/Penji (forgive me Ji I don't know who I'm speaking to), notice how I've quoted everything I got straight from bani. These are the wise words of Guru Sahib - not me. Just how Guru Harkrishan Sahib Ji made Chajju a mere water carrier, all knowing of the Bhagavad Gita; Guru Granth Sahib Ji give moorakhs like me giann and anything I say of any value is all because of his kirpa and giann alone (not that I have any at all). I could be 17 or 71 - Maharaj's bani is timeless and has infinite effect on everyone no matter how old we are Ji. I have none of my own words to say, only Maharaj's so the true wisest being is Guru Ji. I appreciate your comment has come from a loving place and I hope I haven't said anything to hurt you Ji. Maaf karna Ji. 

Vaheguru Ji.

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Guest Singhni

WJKK WJKF 

Thank you everyone for taking time out to reply. I really do appreciate it. Our kids are VERY young yet oldest just starting to say a few words. So although ive started teaching the elder 2 Gurbani,  doing simran together etc there is only so much I can do yet because they are so young and lack understanding or focus (lol). Kirtan is played all day so I only hope it will have a positive effect on them. It is like you guys described it it almost feels havibg a physical relationship is deemed wrong and something that ruins your mere attempt and trying to be Gursikh. Im one of those people that have a habit of 'all or nothing' - i rather have no physical relation and be or try to focus 100% on sikhi. or find if i have to have physical relation then it lessens my quality as a Gursikh. How do u balance a loving relationship and try to make Guru ji/sikhi the centre point? Any thoughts id love to hear more from the penji who said she has kids and 'twice my age'?

I just feel im living 3 different lives - wife, mum and a pathetic excuse of a Gursikh. Even still I find im probably more attuned in sikhi when im with our kids because we jap Naam together, listen to Gurbani, more Sikhi related activities etc but with my husband - although hes great reads Gurbani, lacks strict Nitnem and Amritvela but does his best with raul duty and does a lot of sewa I just find he "starts it" - sorry to sound childish but like he will start the request for physical relation and if i say no he will say its not wrong in sikhi to have such relation...(please note there is no forcibg etc we love each other and theres no problem like that)  and then it goes on from that. its like i feel my jeevan in focusing on sikhi or Bani lessens when in the Sangat of my husband (sorry if i sound harsh) - i would never say this to him because i love him and i cant say no because i feel sorry for him like he works real hard all day and if he finds comfort in spending time with me and helps him chill surely thats my duty as a wife right? i just feel like am going round in circles. please also note my husband is great with our kids like he'll tie their dastars, read Bani while playing with them etc. he just has a high physical relation demand...and i feel my jeevan suffers even though i have some part to play....

thank u guys - helping me take a lot off my mind right now...

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18 hours ago, Singh2017 said:

VJKK VJKF

Veerji/Penji (forgive me Ji I don't know who I'm speaking to), notice how I've quoted everything I got straight from bani. These are the wise words of Guru Sahib - not me. Just how Guru Harkrishan Sahib Ji made Chajju a mere water carrier, all knowing of the Bhagavad Gita; Guru Granth Sahib Ji give moorakhs like me giann and anything I say of any value is all because of his kirpa and giann alone (not that I have any at all). I could be 17 or 71 - Maharaj's bani is timeless and has infinite effect on everyone no matter how old we are Ji. I have none of my own words to say, only Maharaj's so the true wisest being is Guru Ji. I appreciate your comment has come from a loving place and I hope I haven't said anything to hurt you Ji. Maaf karna Ji. 

Vaheguru Ji.

Lol true. And good of you to attribute it to Him. 

Many speak of gurbani and say that it's our own doing. We are fools n we can do nothing. He's the only giver n doer. 

 

 

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