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Hi, I am getting married in a couple of months, wife is about 7 yrs younger than me (I'm 25, she's 18). Parents want me to have kids but I want to let my wife settle down and get comfortable before we think of children (I have said 2-3 years). I have advised parents of this and have clearly said "I don't want to talk about this", however I fear my mother may speak with my wife directly. I have spoken with wife numerous times on phone, haven't seen her as I am not in India and she seems very caring with good nature and I don't want to do anything that may cause her to think she is being forced, rather I want her to trust me and for that, I will need to give her time given her age and her personality/ nature.

My parents are quiet at the moment, but I am not happy and have advised them to not speak with me regarding my personal life, anything else is good.

 

Please advise

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Guest CK JI

Please don't take my advice seriously but i want you to consider my rambling as an outsider's "not too important" opinion. 

I think you are marrying a person who is basically just right out of 12th grade. You have big task ahead of couple of years not only to settle her down but also to change her Indian mentality. I got married when I was your age. 

Your fiancé still has 3 to 4 years of study to complete as in this world single person's income is not the lifestyle anymore. After education, it will take another two year to find and settle down with new job.

Family planning comes 6 years after your marriage. You should also seriously consider to meet her before marriage. I don't mean few days before marriage but at least few months.

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Guest Guest

Hi, thanks for your reply @ CKJI.

@Cloud - I had become married in India a couple of years ago and it didnt work out, basically what happened was girl and her family were interested in using me for visa purposes as I am a foreigner therefore that is done and finished. I have spent considerable time and carefully considered the girl and her family's behavior as I do not want to be betrayed again and I have not found any reason to doubt them. No-one is forcing me to marry her, it is my decision.

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it is entirely upto the girl who gets married;  when she decides to get children.  Personally; I see no problem if she came and got children first, raised then up then became a career woman.  This will have given her time to meet other parents,  teachers and talk about her career choices. When she starts work;  children will be older. She will be more comfortable as no family forming issues. Obviously it all depends on the financial situation of your family. The younger she is, the more easier it is to keep up with kids. This way she will not have a career break specifically for raising or looking after children. 

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16 hours ago, Guest CK JI said:

Please don't take my advice seriously but i want you to consider my rambling as an outsider's "not too important" opinion. 

I think you are marrying a person who is basically just right out of 12th grade. You have big task ahead of couple of years not only to settle her down but also to change her Indian mentality. I got married when I was your age. 

Your fiancé still has 3 to 4 years of study to complete as in this world single person's income is not the lifestyle anymore. After education, it will take another two year to find and settle down with new job.

Family planning comes 6 years after your marriage. You should also seriously consider to meet her before marriage. I don't mean few days before marriage but at least few months.

Great advice. 

 

And it's your life, and hers. You two decide when you want kids, not your parents. They need to mind their own business. 

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Guest your mother is right !

You should learn from first bad experience.

"Idle mind is devils workshop" once you have kids bibi's don't have time to fool around they become busy.

 

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Guest Jacfsing2
36 minutes ago, singhbj singh said:

Guest your mother is right !

You should learn from first bad experience.

"Idle mind is devils workshop" once you have kids bibi's don't have time to fool around they become busy.

@Guest, don't listen to any of this: In fact don't if we all followed his advice, Bhai Jugraj Singh would be a sinner:

"Being a Parcharak doesn't mean you can say & do anything on a public platform there are do's & don'ts.

If you knew what karma triggered your health problem wouldn't you advice dear one's not to commit the same deeds ?"

 

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4 hours ago, singhbj singh said:

Guest your mother is right !

You should learn from first bad experience.

"Idle mind is devils workshop" once you have kids bibi's don't have time to fool around they become busy.

 

Agree with @Jacfsing2 Paji, don't listen to this nonsense. If she's going to fool around, she'll do it no matter what. And why have you made the female to fool around? Men are also capable of doing it. But what's new, you're always pointing fingers at women 😤. 

On another note, although it's good to have children at an earlier age than later in marriage, but she's only 18 years old, so she does need time to adjust to the country and way of living also. This is between the both of you as a couple though, to decide about when the right time is for your family planning. 

You should work on getting to know each other better, building trust in your relationship and spend quality time together and enjoy life as a newly married couple. 

Edited by simran345
Added more.

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On 9/10/2017 at 0:51 AM, Guest Guest said:

Hi, thanks for your reply @ CKJI.

@Cloud - I had become married in India a couple of years ago and it didnt work out, basically what happened was girl and her family were interested in using me for visa purposes as I am a foreigner therefore that is done and finished. I have spent considerable time and carefully considered the girl and her family's behavior as I do not want to be betrayed again and I have not found any reason to doubt them. No-one is forcing me to marry her, it is my decision.

Brother if that's the case, try to stop your engagements in India 

-It's long distance: and the goray make jokes about relationships being long distance, they don't work

-Marrying someone at a young age is hard as she is still a teen, let her make her own decisions at a older age, otherwise problems WILL OCCUR.

-Marrying two cultures will definitely be hard, especially if your from the west and you would rather talk about Politics; and she's from the pind and wants to talk suits.. you guys will rarely ever have EK JOT (a united mind with each other)

-If you're anywhere close to gursikhi, and she's not, this is only going to drag your ties with gurbani down

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Guest Jacfsing2
30 minutes ago, SoulSingh said:

Brother if that's the case, try to stop your engagements in India. 

I think the bigger issue is that he's too trusting.

31 minutes ago, SoulSingh said:

-It's long distance: and the goray make jokes about relationships being long distance, they don't work

Goras? No, you can't make any relationship work if there is no trust. Regardless of how far someone lives or how close they are, if you don't trust them, nothing will work.

33 minutes ago, SoulSingh said:

-Marrying someone at a young age is hard as she is still a teen, let her make her own decisions at a older age, otherwise problems WILL OCCUR.

 

 

An 18 year old is not a kid by any standard. 18 is the age of majority in 80% of the countries around the world, (and in the rest it's even younger). An 18 year old isn't some toddler getting spoon-fed.

36 minutes ago, SoulSingh said:

-Marrying two cultures will definitely be hard, especially if your from the west and you would rather talk about Politics; and she's from the pind and wants to talk suits.. you guys will rarely ever have EK JOT (a united mind with each other)

Something with reason you said, but regardless where you live, the same thing can happen.

38 minutes ago, SoulSingh said:

-If you're anywhere close to gursikhi, and she's not, this is only going to drag your ties with gurbani down

Someone from Punjab can't be a Gursikh?

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12 hours ago, Jacfsing2 said:

I think the bigger issue is that he's too trusting.

Goras? No, you can't make any relationship work if there is no trust. Regardless of how far someone lives or how close they are, if you don't trust them, nothing will work.

An 18 year old is not a kid by any standard. 18 is the age of majority in 80% of the countries around the world, (and in the rest it's even younger). An 18 year old isn't some toddler getting spoon-fed.

Something with reason you said, but regardless where you live, the same thing can happen.

Someone from Punjab can't be a Gursikh?

Agreed to the trust, no relationship functions without it

As for an 18 year old not being a kid, I can see that in the eyes of the law but I don't think any 18 year old is ready to face full fledged adulthood; we don't live in the ideal ages where many had high understanding at young ages, but again I could be very wrong, maybe this individual does.. I'm just saying a vast majority at this point are not ready for responsibility..

As for the disconnect between cultures; many do break barriers and props to them for that! But it's very hard, and at least in close distance there can be a little bit of sanjh of veechars before marriage, and families can meet face to face and resolve conflicts; not so easy in long distance -cultures are harder to be compatible with each other 

I don't think I have to go very in-depth in this last explanation; but it is very hard to find gursikhi in panjab now.. but again I'm not saying there aren't any gursikhs out there, it's just a rough environment in some places

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