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Guest Mehar karo

Attachment with daughter

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Guest Mehar karo   
Guest Mehar karo

I live in join family my husband having 2 brothers... The time I came in this home I feel alone as my husband don't listen to me don't understand me he is angry man... I m angry too... We both are amrit Dhari..i get frustration very soon same with my husband... Now we had a daughter every one love her too much... My mother in law wants her to sleep with them... Be with them... I get angry after listening this... My mother In law says we don't have time of our kids to play with them as we leave in joint family... So she wants to play with my daughter be with her.... Behave like her mother... They accept I will also  do the same.... But I m not so great that I fully dedicate my time to house hold work without playing with my daughter... In frustration I said I want to leave alone from joint family.... So my husband started to pull my dastar and he said don't tie this if u like to think against gurmat... I don't know what I do I am a human being I am unable to give my daughter fully want to take care of her too... How I can control myself?  Is that against German? 

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simran345    2,467

Same old story, mother in laws who want to take over everything. You should organise a routine, the times you spend with your daughter and same for other members of the family. It's not fair for her to have her all the time. You need the mother-daughter time too. She needs the grandmother-granddaughter time too. 

On 07/08/2017 at 6:51 PM, Guest Mehar karo said:

So my husband started to pull my dastar and he said don't tie this if u like to think against gurmat.

Pulling your dastar isn't going to achieve anything. That's wrong to do. 

On 07/08/2017 at 6:51 PM, Guest Mehar karo said:

Is that against German? 

Are you in Germany? Don't know what you can do. Sorry I'm unable to advise further on this. Hopefully somebody else can, and that Waheguru helps you. 

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Guest Guest SPeak up   
Guest Guest SPeak up
On 8/7/2017 at 1:51 PM, Guest Mehar karo said:

I live in join family my husband having 2 brothers... The time I came in this home I feel alone as my husband don't listen to me don't understand me he is angry man... I m angry too... We both are amrit Dhari..i get frustration very soon same with my husband... Now we had a daughter every one love her too much... My mother in law wants her to sleep with them... Be with them... I get angry after listening this... My mother In law says we don't have time of our kids to play with them as we leave in joint family... So she wants to play with my daughter be with her.... Behave like her mother... They accept I will also  do the same.... But I m not so great that I fully dedicate my time to house hold work without playing with my daughter... In frustration I said I want to leave alone from joint family.... So my husband started to pull my dastar and he said don't tie this if u like to think against gurmat... I don't know what I do I am a human being I am unable to give my daughter fully want to take care of her too... How I can control myself?  Is that against German? 

I think everyone is doing and wanting the right things in your family. You guys just need  to learn about balance and to think about other peoples wants and be nice. 

You know as a sikh, we are supposed to be fighting moh or attachment. But your attachment to your daughter is causing you so many problems. So do try to control the attachement. But on the other hand, you do need time to love your child. But your mother-in-law does too.  What you guys need is balance and boundaries. While you are working at a job or doing chores and household work, the chikd should be with grandma. All other times, ot should be with you. 

You need to say your needs and wants to the family. Be strong and demand time with your daughter. BUT instead of doing this and communicating the real problem, you decide to be passive aggressive and you say to your husband that you want to move out. Of course he is going to get angry. 

If you had been calm and explained the real problem, that you need  time with your daughter. That even though you do all the work in the house, the mother in law decides about your daughter. Thats not fair. Say a womens greatest goal and greatest love is her child. She needs to be with the child. Say that the motherinlaw already got to be a mother, now its my turn and she is not letting that happen. Say grandparents are there to help with children, to be second  parents,  not to replace the parents.

Now you should apolozise to ur husband for wanting to move out and say that the real reason is because i am sad and depressed because I dont get to take care of my child. I do all the household work, and the one thing that brings me happiness is taken away from me. Every mother has a right to her child. 

Also say that, I understand that you might think this is not a big deal. But for me, as a mother it is. It needs to change. That u cant keep forcing the wife to keep changing, you also need the motherinlaw to change her ways and be nicer.

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Guest guest   
Guest guest

I am sailing in the same boat.my husband started totally ignoring and insulting me when I refused to give my son for night.So  it 's o.k fight for your right and just do ardas everytime you get that angry feeling.take out some time for u and ur child.my husband couldn't understand my feelings so I don't even try to talk about it anymore as this leads to more frustration.just stay firm that you need to spend sometime with your child.and be strong.whenever such situations happen usually the people on the other side are dominating on all other aspects and very few will understand what you are going through don't expect everyone to help you.I just do ardaas and try to take my baby out for evening walks.

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jkvlondon    3,531

i am sorry children are not pawns, and need their own space to sleep at night so they can develop correctly mentally and physically. The problems stored for later, will be needing to climb in your bed when they are grown, unable to settle on their own , unable to travel easily, infantile temper tantrums at school age .

What your in-laws need to realise is that it is not healthy or helpful to make a child so dependent on company all the time. Maybe your mother-in-law never had a girl so is overstepping into your role out of own fantasy life, maybe give her a specific role like teaching gurbani, gurmukhi or telling sakhian so she realises she is needed , and the night-time let little bhen ji sleep in her own space:then no competition issues because she is neither with you or MIL. You can have morning routine, night-time routine, bath-times, hubby needs time also so maybe he can do bed-time stories/kirtan sohila, and sporty stuff/rough and tumble on weekends.

guestguest likewise a child needs to sleep alone even from you, just keep within earshot/eyeline . Men generally do not realise what is involved in overnight care as they DO NOT wake with the baby's cries unlike us , it is a physical adaptation that kicks in once you have a child and your MIL may not wake either. I am guessing your boy is not an infant any more so you maybe not as upset as before...but same thing , give her time to do something meaningful with little singh ji during the day and that might just diffuse the situation.

 

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Guest Jacfsing2   
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On 8/7/2017 at 1:51 PM, Guest Mehar karo said:

I live in join family my husband having 2 brothers... The time I came in this home I feel alone as my husband don't listen to me don't understand me he is angry man... I m angry too... We both are amrit Dhari..i get frustration very soon same with my husband... Now we had a daughter every one love her too much... My mother in law wants her to sleep with them... Be with them... I get angry after listening this... My mother In law says we don't have time of our kids to play with them as we leave in joint family... So she wants to play with my daughter be with her.... Behave like her mother... They accept I will also  do the same.... But I m not so great that I fully dedicate my time to house hold work without playing with my daughter... In frustration I said I want to leave alone from joint family.... So my husband started to pull my dastar and he said don't tie this if u like to think against gurmat... I don't know what I do I am a human being I am unable to give my daughter fully want to take care of her too... How I can control myself?  Is that against German? 

I believe a key matter is to get both your husband and you to try limiting krodh before talking about situations like these, emotions will only fly everything logical either of you will say. Now I'm probably going to say something controversial for most Subcontinental ideals and I think that the child should spend more time with the parents than extended family members. Let the grandmother play and do stuff with her grandkid; however, people should realize that the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is very different from parents and children, and the parents should have direct influence before any other human for a child growing-up, (only one above parents should be Guru Sahib/Vaheguru himself). You should also spend time with your daughter, and if that can't work out, then it is best for you to leave a the joint family. I won't say anything rude about what happened, but your husband pulling your dastar and telling you not to wear it was an extreme step. You need to take control and tell them that at times you need mother-daughter time just like any normal parent. I don't know much about German rules, that's something you'll have to look-up.

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Guest Jacfsing2   
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10 minutes ago, jkvlondon said:

I think the German thing might have been autocorrected Gurmat

That may be true; however, from what I hear Germany is one of those places where there seems to be a growing new diaspora of Sikhs, also one of the top places Sikhs live in Europe after the U.K.

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BhForce    536
On 8/9/2017 at 1:20 PM, simran345 said:

Are you in Germany? Don't know what you can do. Sorry I'm unable to advise further on this. 

Neither can I:

 

dont-speak-german.jpg

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BhForce    536
On 8/7/2017 at 11:21 PM, Guest Mehar karo said:

The time I came in this home I feel alone as my husband don't listen to me don't understand me he is angry man... I m angry too... We both are amrit Dhari..i get frustration very soon same with my husband...

Sorry to hear that. Sounds like you both need some clam naam simran.

On 8/7/2017 at 11:21 PM, Guest Mehar karo said:

My mother in law wants her to sleep with them... Be with them... I get angry after listening this...

You know, you could have it a lot worse. You could be having to tie her up on your back while you toil in the fields, and then later forage for firewood. Instead, you've got a whole extended family of people who are falling all over themselves to take care of her, leaving you free to do your work (admittedly much easier than most women in this world have). First world problems. Let's be thankful and not ungrateful to God.

I do agree that the the MIL should not command that the daughter has to sleep with her. Rather, she should offer to have her sleep with her. In addition, she can very kindly ask you to let the child sleep with her sometimes. And I think you should agree to it. Not every single time, though. I'm assuming the girl is not nursing anymore.

By having the child sleep with her, the MIL is letting you and your husband have love time, which is very important.

On 8/7/2017 at 11:21 PM, Guest Mehar karo said:

In frustration I said I want to leave alone from joint family.... So my husband started to pull my dastar and he said don't tie this if u like to think against gurmat...

I would not recommend to anybody to pull anybody's turban off, be they even a jihadi, much less a Sikh. I understand your frustration, but you should not seriously tell your husband to leave his parents, because this is against Gurmat:

ਨੁਹੁ ਨਿਤ ਕੰਤ ਕੁਮੰਤੁ ਦੇਇ ਵਿਹਰੇ ਹੋਵਨਿ ਸਸੁ ਵਿਗੋਈ।

Now, the bride starts ill-advising the son, goading him to get separate from the parents, and consequently the mother-in-law becomes sorrowful.

ਲਖ ਉਪਕਾਰੁ ਵਿਸਾਰਿ ਕੈ ਪੁਤੁ ਕੁਪੁਤਿ ਚਕੀ ਉਠਿ ਝੋਈ।

Forgetting lacs of benefactions (of mother) the son becomes disloyal and sets himself at logger-heads with his parents.

ਵਾਰਾਂ ਭਾਈ ਗੁਰਦਾਸ : ਵਾਰ ੩੭ ਪਉੜੀ ੧੧

 

I do think that all of you should resolve the situation in Gursikh love and give each family member his due. Wish you well.

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BhForce    536
On 8/11/2017 at 3:24 PM, Guest Guest SPeak up said:

Now you should apolozise to ur husband for wanting to move out and say that the real reason is because i am sad and depressed because I dont get to take care of my child. I do all the household work, and the one thing that brings me happiness is taken away from me. Every mother has a right to her child. 

Excellent advice. Now, why don't you sign up for a FREE account (limited time offer), and regularly dispense such sage advice on this forum, which sorely needs it.

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BhForce    536
17 hours ago, Guest guest said:

I am sailing in the same boat.my husband started totally ignoring and insulting me when I refused to give my son for night

You refused to give up your son for a single night?! How will you be able to send him to school?

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BhForce    536
4 hours ago, jkvlondon said:

Maybe your mother-in-law never had a girl so is overstepping into your role out of own fantasy life, maybe give her a specific role like teaching gurbani, gurmukhi or telling sakhian so she realises she is needed

Very good constructive advise. Maybe the dadi can do all this and/or Kirtan Sohila before the child goes to sleep wherever she will sleep.

4 hours ago, jkvlondon said:

Men generally do not realise what is involved in overnight care as they DO NOT wake with the baby's cries unlike us , it is a physical adaptation that kicks in once you have a child and your MIL may not wake either.

Strongly agree w/ the part about men. Don't necessarily agree about the part about MIL. Regardless: what cries? One assumes the child is not nursing. If she is, she should not be with dadi in the first place, she should be with her mother.
If she's not nursing, then: what cries?

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BhForce    536
4 hours ago, jkvlondon said:

i am sorry children are not pawns

Agreed. The dadi should not throw a fit demanding that the child sleep with her in order to show her power in the household. Rather, she should offer to let the child sleep with her, in Gursikh piar, as I wrote above.

However...

4 hours ago, jkvlondon said:

need their own space to sleep at night so they can develop correctly mentally and physically. The problems stored for later, will be needing to climb in your bed when they are grown, unable to settle on their own , unable to travel easily, infantile temper tantrums at school age .

Stunningly wrong for someone who usually posts good advice. Let me fix that for you:

"Children need to bond with their parents so they can develop correctly, mentally, and physically. The problems are stored for later, and they will want to climb in your bed yet be banned from doing so, unable to have a sense of being loved, unable to travel easily, infantile temper tantrums at school age due to lack of love."

This is called "attachment parenting" and "co-sleeping". Your baby needs motherly contact (best being skin-to-skin), and proximity. Your baby can smell its mother being next to it. Don't deprive her of that. Don't be like the Westerners that cruelly put their children into separate bedrooms while they cry themselves to sleep. Also don't be the people who put their baby in a cage (crib) apart from mommy.

Now, our grandparents didn't call it "co-sleeping", it was just "sleeping". You put the baby next to mother. Where else would you put her? She's not a dog that you keep off to the side. She's a little part torn off of you.

Any unmarried girls reading along, plan to keep that little jiggar da tota right next to you when you have babies. Get an appropriately sized bed for this purpose.

The biggest thing crazy thing that brainwashed Westerners will say about lovingly keeping your child with you is that you'll smother it. This mostly happens to the extremely small number of Western women whose motherly instincts have been extinguished by an artificial society. Otherwise, as mentioned above, God has already put the right instincts into a mother to be able to care for her child, even while sleeping. Being worried that you'll smother your child is like wondering how you could ever push a 5 pound baby out of the birth canal: women have been doing it for hundreds of thousands of years.

Most people are deadly terrified of snakes. You are 28X more likely to die in your bathtub than from a snake. Yet have you ever heard anyone be more terrified of a bathtub than a snake, let alone 28 times as afraid? So get this nonsense about smothering out of your head.

Finally, most mothers should be thankful that the dadi offers (not demands) to take the child off of her so she can "get down to business" with dear hubby :p. Physical (and non-physical) intimacy between man and wife is extremely important. This (sleeping with dadi) can be occasionally, weekly, every other day, or even daily, depending on the family and mother's desires.

As for whether a dadi can fulfill this role of a mother-substitute after nursing stops, and to what extent, is something that each family will have to decide on their own, based on the child, her desires, dadi's personality, mother's desires, etc., in Gursikh love, not using the children as pawns. 

5 hours ago, jkvlondon said:

What your in-laws need to realise is that it is not healthy or helpful to make a child so dependent on company all the time.

180 degrees wrong. A child that fulfills her social needs in her own family and home will not need to look elsewhere to manmukh neighbors/"friends" or even worse Internet "friends" or possibly predators. Western children are usually lonely and starving for attention, which they get in spades from all the wrong places.

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