Guest Mehar karo

Attachment with daughter

22 posts in this topic

I live in join family my husband having 2 brothers... The time I came in this home I feel alone as my husband don't listen to me don't understand me he is angry man... I m angry too... We both are amrit Dhari..i get frustration very soon same with my husband... Now we had a daughter every one love her too much... My mother in law wants her to sleep with them... Be with them... I get angry after listening this... My mother In law says we don't have time of our kids to play with them as we leave in joint family... So she wants to play with my daughter be with her.... Behave like her mother... They accept I will also  do the same.... But I m not so great that I fully dedicate my time to house hold work without playing with my daughter... In frustration I said I want to leave alone from joint family.... So my husband started to pull my dastar and he said don't tie this if u like to think against gurmat... I don't know what I do I am a human being I am unable to give my daughter fully want to take care of her too... How I can control myself?  Is that against German? 

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Same old story, mother in laws who want to take over everything. You should organise a routine, the times you spend with your daughter and same for other members of the family. It's not fair for her to have her all the time. You need the mother-daughter time too. She needs the grandmother-granddaughter time too. 

On 07/08/2017 at 6:51 PM, Guest Mehar karo said:

So my husband started to pull my dastar and he said don't tie this if u like to think against gurmat.

Pulling your dastar isn't going to achieve anything. That's wrong to do. 

On 07/08/2017 at 6:51 PM, Guest Mehar karo said:

Is that against German? 

Are you in Germany? Don't know what you can do. Sorry I'm unable to advise further on this. Hopefully somebody else can, and that Waheguru helps you. 

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Tell your husband controlling krodh is also part of gurmat, maybe do some gurbani khoj?

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On 8/7/2017 at 1:51 PM, Guest Mehar karo said:

I live in join family my husband having 2 brothers... The time I came in this home I feel alone as my husband don't listen to me don't understand me he is angry man... I m angry too... We both are amrit Dhari..i get frustration very soon same with my husband... Now we had a daughter every one love her too much... My mother in law wants her to sleep with them... Be with them... I get angry after listening this... My mother In law says we don't have time of our kids to play with them as we leave in joint family... So she wants to play with my daughter be with her.... Behave like her mother... They accept I will also  do the same.... But I m not so great that I fully dedicate my time to house hold work without playing with my daughter... In frustration I said I want to leave alone from joint family.... So my husband started to pull my dastar and he said don't tie this if u like to think against gurmat... I don't know what I do I am a human being I am unable to give my daughter fully want to take care of her too... How I can control myself?  Is that against German? 

I think everyone is doing and wanting the right things in your family. You guys just need  to learn about balance and to think about other peoples wants and be nice. 

You know as a sikh, we are supposed to be fighting moh or attachment. But your attachment to your daughter is causing you so many problems. So do try to control the attachement. But on the other hand, you do need time to love your child. But your mother-in-law does too.  What you guys need is balance and boundaries. While you are working at a job or doing chores and household work, the chikd should be with grandma. All other times, ot should be with you. 

You need to say your needs and wants to the family. Be strong and demand time with your daughter. BUT instead of doing this and communicating the real problem, you decide to be passive aggressive and you say to your husband that you want to move out. Of course he is going to get angry. 

If you had been calm and explained the real problem, that you need  time with your daughter. That even though you do all the work in the house, the mother in law decides about your daughter. Thats not fair. Say a womens greatest goal and greatest love is her child. She needs to be with the child. Say that the motherinlaw already got to be a mother, now its my turn and she is not letting that happen. Say grandparents are there to help with children, to be second  parents,  not to replace the parents.

Now you should apolozise to ur husband for wanting to move out and say that the real reason is because i am sad and depressed because I dont get to take care of my child. I do all the household work, and the one thing that brings me happiness is taken away from me. Every mother has a right to her child. 

Also say that, I understand that you might think this is not a big deal. But for me, as a mother it is. It needs to change. That u cant keep forcing the wife to keep changing, you also need the motherinlaw to change her ways and be nicer.

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I am sailing in the same boat.my husband started totally ignoring and insulting me when I refused to give my son for night.So  it 's o.k fight for your right and just do ardas everytime you get that angry feeling.take out some time for u and ur child.my husband couldn't understand my feelings so I don't even try to talk about it anymore as this leads to more frustration.just stay firm that you need to spend sometime with your child.and be strong.whenever such situations happen usually the people on the other side are dominating on all other aspects and very few will understand what you are going through don't expect everyone to help you.I just do ardaas and try to take my baby out for evening walks.

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i am sorry children are not pawns, and need their own space to sleep at night so they can develop correctly mentally and physically. The problems stored for later, will be needing to climb in your bed when they are grown, unable to settle on their own , unable to travel easily, infantile temper tantrums at school age .

What your in-laws need to realise is that it is not healthy or helpful to make a child so dependent on company all the time. Maybe your mother-in-law never had a girl so is overstepping into your role out of own fantasy life, maybe give her a specific role like teaching gurbani, gurmukhi or telling sakhian so she realises she is needed , and the night-time let little bhen ji sleep in her own space:then no competition issues because she is neither with you or MIL. You can have morning routine, night-time routine, bath-times, hubby needs time also so maybe he can do bed-time stories/kirtan sohila, and sporty stuff/rough and tumble on weekends.

guestguest likewise a child needs to sleep alone even from you, just keep within earshot/eyeline . Men generally do not realise what is involved in overnight care as they DO NOT wake with the baby's cries unlike us , it is a physical adaptation that kicks in once you have a child and your MIL may not wake either. I am guessing your boy is not an infant any more so you maybe not as upset as before...but same thing , give her time to do something meaningful with little singh ji during the day and that might just diffuse the situation.

 

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On 8/7/2017 at 1:51 PM, Guest Mehar karo said:

I live in join family my husband having 2 brothers... The time I came in this home I feel alone as my husband don't listen to me don't understand me he is angry man... I m angry too... We both are amrit Dhari..i get frustration very soon same with my husband... Now we had a daughter every one love her too much... My mother in law wants her to sleep with them... Be with them... I get angry after listening this... My mother In law says we don't have time of our kids to play with them as we leave in joint family... So she wants to play with my daughter be with her.... Behave like her mother... They accept I will also  do the same.... But I m not so great that I fully dedicate my time to house hold work without playing with my daughter... In frustration I said I want to leave alone from joint family.... So my husband started to pull my dastar and he said don't tie this if u like to think against gurmat... I don't know what I do I am a human being I am unable to give my daughter fully want to take care of her too... How I can control myself?  Is that against German? 

I believe a key matter is to get both your husband and you to try limiting krodh before talking about situations like these, emotions will only fly everything logical either of you will say. Now I'm probably going to say something controversial for most Subcontinental ideals and I think that the child should spend more time with the parents than extended family members. Let the grandmother play and do stuff with her grandkid; however, people should realize that the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is very different from parents and children, and the parents should have direct influence before any other human for a child growing-up, (only one above parents should be Guru Sahib/Vaheguru himself). You should also spend time with your daughter, and if that can't work out, then it is best for you to leave a the joint family. I won't say anything rude about what happened, but your husband pulling your dastar and telling you not to wear it was an extreme step. You need to take control and tell them that at times you need mother-daughter time just like any normal parent. I don't know much about German rules, that's something you'll have to look-up.

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10 minutes ago, jkvlondon said:

I think the German thing might have been autocorrected Gurmat

That may be true; however, from what I hear Germany is one of those places where there seems to be a growing new diaspora of Sikhs, also one of the top places Sikhs live in Europe after the U.K.

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On 8/9/2017 at 1:20 PM, simran345 said:

Are you in Germany? Don't know what you can do. Sorry I'm unable to advise further on this. 

Neither can I:

 

dont-speak-german.jpg

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On 8/7/2017 at 11:21 PM, Guest Mehar karo said:

The time I came in this home I feel alone as my husband don't listen to me don't understand me he is angry man... I m angry too... We both are amrit Dhari..i get frustration very soon same with my husband...

Sorry to hear that. Sounds like you both need some clam naam simran.

On 8/7/2017 at 11:21 PM, Guest Mehar karo said:

My mother in law wants her to sleep with them... Be with them... I get angry after listening this...

You know, you could have it a lot worse. You could be having to tie her up on your back while you toil in the fields, and then later forage for firewood. Instead, you've got a whole extended family of people who are falling all over themselves to take care of her, leaving you free to do your work (admittedly much easier than most women in this world have). First world problems. Let's be thankful and not ungrateful to God.

I do agree that the the MIL should not command that the daughter has to sleep with her. Rather, she should offer to have her sleep with her. In addition, she can very kindly ask you to let the child sleep with her sometimes. And I think you should agree to it. Not every single time, though. I'm assuming the girl is not nursing anymore.

By having the child sleep with her, the MIL is letting you and your husband have love time, which is very important.

On 8/7/2017 at 11:21 PM, Guest Mehar karo said:

In frustration I said I want to leave alone from joint family.... So my husband started to pull my dastar and he said don't tie this if u like to think against gurmat...

I would not recommend to anybody to pull anybody's turban off, be they even a jihadi, much less a Sikh. I understand your frustration, but you should not seriously tell your husband to leave his parents, because this is against Gurmat:

ਨੁਹੁ ਨਿਤ ਕੰਤ ਕੁਮੰਤੁ ਦੇਇ ਵਿਹਰੇ ਹੋਵਨਿ ਸਸੁ ਵਿਗੋਈ।

Now, the bride starts ill-advising the son, goading him to get separate from the parents, and consequently the mother-in-law becomes sorrowful.

ਲਖ ਉਪਕਾਰੁ ਵਿਸਾਰਿ ਕੈ ਪੁਤੁ ਕੁਪੁਤਿ ਚਕੀ ਉਠਿ ਝੋਈ।

Forgetting lacs of benefactions (of mother) the son becomes disloyal and sets himself at logger-heads with his parents.

ਵਾਰਾਂ ਭਾਈ ਗੁਰਦਾਸ : ਵਾਰ ੩੭ ਪਉੜੀ ੧੧

 

I do think that all of you should resolve the situation in Gursikh love and give each family member his due. Wish you well.

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On 8/11/2017 at 3:24 PM, Guest Guest SPeak up said:

Now you should apolozise to ur husband for wanting to move out and say that the real reason is because i am sad and depressed because I dont get to take care of my child. I do all the household work, and the one thing that brings me happiness is taken away from me. Every mother has a right to her child. 

Excellent advice. Now, why don't you sign up for a FREE account (limited time offer), and regularly dispense such sage advice on this forum, which sorely needs it.

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17 hours ago, Guest guest said:

I am sailing in the same boat.my husband started totally ignoring and insulting me when I refused to give my son for night

You refused to give up your son for a single night?! How will you be able to send him to school?

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4 hours ago, jkvlondon said:

Maybe your mother-in-law never had a girl so is overstepping into your role out of own fantasy life, maybe give her a specific role like teaching gurbani, gurmukhi or telling sakhian so she realises she is needed

Very good constructive advise. Maybe the dadi can do all this and/or Kirtan Sohila before the child goes to sleep wherever she will sleep.

4 hours ago, jkvlondon said:

Men generally do not realise what is involved in overnight care as they DO NOT wake with the baby's cries unlike us , it is a physical adaptation that kicks in once you have a child and your MIL may not wake either.

Strongly agree w/ the part about men. Don't necessarily agree about the part about MIL. Regardless: what cries? One assumes the child is not nursing. If she is, she should not be with dadi in the first place, she should be with her mother.
If she's not nursing, then: what cries?

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4 hours ago, jkvlondon said:

i am sorry children are not pawns

Agreed. The dadi should not throw a fit demanding that the child sleep with her in order to show her power in the household. Rather, she should offer to let the child sleep with her, in Gursikh piar, as I wrote above.

However...

4 hours ago, jkvlondon said:

need their own space to sleep at night so they can develop correctly mentally and physically. The problems stored for later, will be needing to climb in your bed when they are grown, unable to settle on their own , unable to travel easily, infantile temper tantrums at school age .

Stunningly wrong for someone who usually posts good advice. Let me fix that for you:

"Children need to bond with their parents so they can develop correctly, mentally, and physically. The problems are stored for later, and they will want to climb in your bed yet be banned from doing so, unable to have a sense of being loved, unable to travel easily, infantile temper tantrums at school age due to lack of love."

This is called "attachment parenting" and "co-sleeping". Your baby needs motherly contact (best being skin-to-skin), and proximity. Your baby can smell its mother being next to it. Don't deprive her of that. Don't be like the Westerners that cruelly put their children into separate bedrooms while they cry themselves to sleep. Also don't be the people who put their baby in a cage (crib) apart from mommy.

Now, our grandparents didn't call it "co-sleeping", it was just "sleeping". You put the baby next to mother. Where else would you put her? She's not a dog that you keep off to the side. She's a little part torn off of you.

Any unmarried girls reading along, plan to keep that little jiggar da tota right next to you when you have babies. Get an appropriately sized bed for this purpose.

The biggest thing crazy thing that brainwashed Westerners will say about lovingly keeping your child with you is that you'll smother it. This mostly happens to the extremely small number of Western women whose motherly instincts have been extinguished by an artificial society. Otherwise, as mentioned above, God has already put the right instincts into a mother to be able to care for her child, even while sleeping. Being worried that you'll smother your child is like wondering how you could ever push a 5 pound baby out of the birth canal: women have been doing it for hundreds of thousands of years.

Most people are deadly terrified of snakes. You are 28X more likely to die in your bathtub than from a snake. Yet have you ever heard anyone be more terrified of a bathtub than a snake, let alone 28 times as afraid? So get this nonsense about smothering out of your head.

Finally, most mothers should be thankful that the dadi offers (not demands) to take the child off of her so she can "get down to business" with dear hubby :p. Physical (and non-physical) intimacy between man and wife is extremely important. This (sleeping with dadi) can be occasionally, weekly, every other day, or even daily, depending on the family and mother's desires.

As for whether a dadi can fulfill this role of a mother-substitute after nursing stops, and to what extent, is something that each family will have to decide on their own, based on the child, her desires, dadi's personality, mother's desires, etc., in Gursikh love, not using the children as pawns. 

5 hours ago, jkvlondon said:

What your in-laws need to realise is that it is not healthy or helpful to make a child so dependent on company all the time.

180 degrees wrong. A child that fulfills her social needs in her own family and home will not need to look elsewhere to manmukh neighbors/"friends" or even worse Internet "friends" or possibly predators. Western children are usually lonely and starving for attention, which they get in spades from all the wrong places.

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@BhForce, why would you need 6 different posts-back-to-back? The easier solution is to just write 2-3 that say basically the same idea? 

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5 hours ago, Jacfsing2 said:

I believe a key matter is to get both your husband and you to try limiting krodh before talking about situations like these, emotions will only fly everything logical either of you will say.

Agreed:

ਮਿਠਤੁ ਨੀਵੀ ਨਾਨਕਾ ਗੁਣ ਚੰਗਿਆਈਆ ਤਤੁ ॥

Sweetness and humility, O Nanak, are the essence of virtue and goodness.

ਆਸਾ ਵਾਰ (ਮਃ ੧) (੧੪) ਸ. (੧) ੧:੪ - ਗੁਰੂ ਗ੍ਰੰਥ ਸਾਹਿਬ : ਅੰਗ ੪੭੦ 

5 hours ago, Jacfsing2 said:

Now I'm probably going to say something controversial for most Subcontinental ideals and I think that the child should spend more time with the parents than extended family members.

You started off with a bang and ended with a whimper. What I mean to say is that you made it seem like you were going to say something extremely controversial, and you followed up with something that's really not that controversial. All you said is they should spend more time, not 100%. That's fine, I suppose, but it will vary from family to family. The classic case is the dad who is busy at work, and the kids play with the unmarried and vehla chacha, who is happy to oblige. Again, varies upon the situation.

5 hours ago, Jacfsing2 said:

Let the grandmother play and do stuff with her grandkid; however, people should realize that the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is very different from parents and children

Yes, it is different. Gurbani stresses on how important the mother/father and child relationship is with multiple references. ("Mera mat pita har raia", and "Tu mera pita tu hai mera mata"). Yet it also shows the importance of ancestors (precedents of our parents):

ਬਾਬਾਣੀਆ ਕਹਾਣੀਆ ਪੁਤ ਸਪੁਤ ਕਰੇਨਿ ॥

The stories of one's ancestors make the children good children.

ਰਾਮਕਲੀ ਵਾਰ¹ (ਮਃ ੩) (੧੦) ਸ. (੩) ੧:੧ - ਗੁਰੂ ਗ੍ਰੰਥ ਸਾਹਿਬ : ਅੰਗ ੯੫੧ 
 

The word "baba" used here is literally what people call their grandfathers. So while love and time spent with parents attaches us to our (physical and immediate) creators, the same with grandparents grounds us with our ancestors and the link to the past. I think both are important.

5 hours ago, Jacfsing2 said:

You should also spend time with your daughter, and if that can't work out, then it is best for you to leave a the joint family.

As noted above, leaving the joint family is an extreme step and in general is against Gurmat, though I can't know about any family's particular situation.

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10 minutes ago, Jacfsing2 said:

@BhForce, why would you need 6 different posts-back-to-back? The easier solution is to just write 2-3 that say basically the same idea? 

The reason, bro, is that I'm responding to each individual person's posts, and people probably don't want to read a book in order to know how I responded to them. Neither do lurkers, in my estimation. Just the response to @jkvlondon was 4 laptop screens long, and I had to break up a separate part of that. Having a 10-screen long post would be insane, in my subjective view. Easier to keep arguments apart when the posts are manageable. Bhul chuk muaf.

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1 hour ago, BhForce said:

Neither can I:

 

dont-speak-german.jpg

Hahahaha, main vi nahi Jarman boldi. Although I was top in my German class. God knows how, as I only remember Danke Schon, milch, and bratwurst lol. 

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33 minutes ago, BhForce said:

Agreed:

ਮਿਠਤੁ ਨੀਵੀ ਨਾਨਕਾ ਗੁਣ ਚੰਗਿਆਈਆ ਤਤੁ ॥

Sweetness and humility, O Nanak, are the essence of virtue and goodness.

ਆਸਾ ਵਾਰ (ਮਃ ੧) (੧੪) ਸ. (੧) ੧:੪ - ਗੁਰੂ ਗ੍ਰੰਥ ਸਾਹਿਬ : ਅੰਗ ੪੭੦ 

:waheguru:.

36 minutes ago, BhForce said:

You started off with a bang and ended with a whimper. What I mean to say is that you made it seem like you were going to say something extremely controversial, and you followed up with something that's really not that controversial. All you said is they should spend more time, not 100%. That's fine, I suppose, but it will vary from family to family. The classic case is the dad who is busy at work, and the kids play with the unmarried and vehla chacha, who is happy to oblige. Again, varies upon the situation.

If you noticed that I did mention that if it's impossible for her to live with the mother-in-law it is better for them to live separately that's the controversial part. Now average situations are exactly what you listed, and I highlighted.

40 minutes ago, BhForce said:

Yes, it is different. Gurbani stresses on how important the mother/father and child relationship is with multiple references. ("Mera mat pita har raia", and "Tu mera pita tu hai mera mata"). Yet it also shows the importance of ancestors (precedents of our parents):

ਬਾਬਾਣੀਆ ਕਹਾਣੀਆ ਪੁਤ ਸਪੁਤ ਕਰੇਨਿ ॥

The stories of one's ancestors make the children good children.

ਰਾਮਕਲੀ ਵਾਰ¹ (ਮਃ ੩) (੧੦) ਸ. (੩) ੧:੧ - ਗੁਰੂ ਗ੍ਰੰਥ ਸਾਹਿਬ : ਅੰਗ ੯੫੧ 
 

The word "baba" used here is literally what people call their grandfathers. So while love and time spent with parents attaches us to our (physical and immediate) creators, the same with grandparents grounds us with our ancestors and the link to the past. I think both are important.

This is where we agree, we both acknowledge that the parents and grandparents have a different relationship with the child. However, I'd also like to ask you; if the ancestors were Dera wales or Non-Sikhs, what benefit Gurmat-wise can they provide? If we really want to go far enough, most Sikhs are descendents from Hindus, but we aren't Hindus, it's because of attachment to our pre-Sikh cultures that caste and other negative things effect our Kaum today. Ancestors are good and all; however, we must be practical.

44 minutes ago, BhForce said:

As noted above, leaving the joint family is an extreme step and in general is against Gurmat, though I can't know about any family's particular situation.

Each situation is completely different; however, if it's leading to the husband abusing her and pulling her dastar, I'd go the other direction. If the relationship is leading to abuse like this and the husband calling her insulting nanes, I'd go many steps further.

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2 hours ago, BhForce said:

Very good constructive advise. Maybe the dadi can do all this and/or Kirtan Sohila before the child goes to sleep wherever she will sleep.

Strongly agree w/ the part about men. Don't necessarily agree about the part about MIL. Regardless: what cries? One assumes the child is not nursing. If she is, she should not be with dadi in the first place, she should be with her mother.
If she's not nursing, then: what cries?

kid under the age four can wake in the night , sometimes scared, sometimes if they get wet,get cold because they've kicked covers off or even light sleepers (my niece is like this) it is not only to feed , like i said most guys don't have a clue what goes on. There was an another bibi who talked about her MIL insisting on her newborn child should  remain with her and she would take that child away for a couple of years to India to bring up over there as it suited the MIL. I think there are some delusional bazurg out there too exerting unreasonable controls over their DILs

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3 hours ago, BhForce said:

Agreed. The dadi should not throw a fit demanding that the child sleep with her in order to show her power in the household. Rather, she should offer to let the child sleep with her, in Gursikh piar, as I wrote above.

However...

Stunningly wrong for someone who usually posts good advice. Let me fix that for you:

"Children need to bond with their parents so they can develop correctly, mentally, and physically. The problems are stored for later, and they will want to climb in your bed yet be banned from doing so, unable to have a sense of being loved, unable to travel easily, infantile temper tantrums at school age due to lack of love."

This is called "attachment parenting" and "co-sleeping". Your baby needs motherly contact (best being skin-to-skin), and proximity. Your baby can smell its mother being next to it. Don't deprive her of that. Don't be like the Westerners that cruelly put their children into separate bedrooms while they cry themselves to sleep. Also don't be the people who put their baby in a cage (crib) apart from mommy.

Now, our grandparents didn't call it "co-sleeping", it was just "sleeping". You put the baby next to mother. Where else would you put her? She's not a dog that you keep off to the side. She's a little part torn off of you.

Any unmarried girls reading along, plan to keep that little jiggar da tota right next to you when you have babies. Get an appropriately sized bed for this purpose.

The biggest thing crazy thing that brainwashed Westerners will say about lovingly keeping your child with you is that you'll smother it. This mostly happens to the extremely small number of Western women whose motherly instincts have been extinguished by an artificial society. Otherwise, as mentioned above, God has already put the right instincts into a mother to be able to care for her child, even while sleeping. Being worried that you'll smother your child is like wondering how you could ever push a 5 pound baby out of the birth canal: women have been doing it for hundreds of thousands of years.

Most people are deadly terrified of snakes. You are 28X more likely to die in your bathtub than from a snake. Yet have you ever heard anyone be more terrified of a bathtub than a snake, let alone 28 times as afraid? So get this nonsense about smothering out of your head.

Finally, most mothers should be thankful that the dadi offers (not demands) to take the child off of her so she can "get down to business" with dear hubby :p. Physical (and non-physical) intimacy between man and wife is extremely important. This (sleeping with dadi) can be occasionally, weekly, every other day, or even daily, depending on the family and mother's desires.

As for whether a dadi can fulfill this role of a mother-substitute after nursing stops, and to what extent, is something that each family will have to decide on their own, based on the child, her desires, dadi's personality, mother's desires, etc., in Gursikh love, not using the children as pawns. 

180 degrees wrong. A child that fulfills her social needs in her own family and home will not need to look elsewhere to manmukh neighbors/"friends" or even worse Internet "friends" or possibly predators. Western children are usually lonely and starving for attention, which they get in spades from all the wrong places.

1. I am speaking from bringing up four children including a set of twins not theory but experience and observation of how different people approaches affected their kids in close genetic relationships .

2. i had my infant children either in a cot or moses basket in the same room as me for the first six months , except the twins who slept in the same cot - next door because our new home didn't have the space for a large cot alongside our bed .

eldest - was looked after by my folks during the workday and I would pick him up and we used to do loads of stuff together, gardening, reading , drawing , etc he was extremely talkative from 1.5 years because he was surrounded by adults and none of us spoke tuthla to him, had three languages on the go in the homes , 

when I had the twins - we were forced by circumstances to move away so I was all alone with three under three and two preemies . Loving Contact, speaking and engaging babies is important but as the ICU/SCBU nurses pointed out sleep is vital for growth and it was illustrated by slow gain of weight in Dayal Singh compared to Bahadur SIngh..

from observations people who babytalk delayed speech development and enforced simple mouthing mistake which then needed intervention, and allowed their kids to stay in the parental beds beyond two years of age had massive problems with seperation anxiety in the kids no matter who they were with in the day , bedtime creep, concentration problems in kids and sleep deprivation in the parents, one couple's singleton drove the mother out of the bed totally to the sofa so she could get enough sleep to function for coming workday. One child who is now in high school will not sleep in his own bedroom despite insisting on own room

for me I'm realistic that my kids longest relationship is with their siblings so I've always encouraged shared space/play  with each kid getting time with each of us parents and collective time with the grands as a secondary emphasis. I am highly aware of anti-sikh attitudes in certain family members so try to reduce influence by countering by teaching sikhi aspects to same issues

Edited by jkvlondon

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