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Not Sardar Jokes : Stand-Up Comedy by Vikramjit Singh

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harsharan000    2,088

On blondes ...

 

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something.

The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate.

What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

 

                 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                                        One more ..........

One day a blonde walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor askes her what had happened.

She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit, the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.

"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."

"The ba- stard called again"

 

         --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

" But what does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment.

"Watson, you  i-diot he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Edited by harsharan000
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harsharan000    2,088

 

Reunion Special: Read it😀😊😬😄😳

 

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this one..The stuff is from a lady called Archana

"My name is Archana. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended St Xavier's high school.

"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1987. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!!!!", I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then,
that
ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled faced,
gray-haired,
decrepit,
id-iot;
asked,

"What subject did you teach" ?"

:rofl:rofl:p

Edited by harsharan000
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harsharan000    2,088

 

Air hostess: Sir kya loge?

Jatt : Milk Badam, Kheer, Bread Pakora n Tandoori Chicken wid Naan..

Air hostess : Sir tusi jahaaz te aaye ho,. Apne PYO DE VYAAH te nhi!.

 

 

Jatt on phone: Doctor my wife is pergnant.She is having pain right now.
Doctor: Is this her first child?
Jatt: No this is her husband speaking‚¦
 
 
 
 
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simran345    2,466
2 hours ago, harsharan000 said:

 

Air hostess: Sir kya loge?

Jatt : Milk Badam, Kheer, Bread Pakora n Tandoori Chicken wid Naan..

Air hostess : Sir tusi jahaaz te aaye ho,. Apne PYO DE VYAAH te nhi!.

 

 

Jatt on phone: Doctor my wife is pergnant.She is having pain right now.
Doctor: Is this her first child?
Jatt: No this is her husband speaking‚¦
 
 
 
 

What's with the Jatt jokes? This is  the reason people fight about castes, when they put on jokes about each other's castes. This is far from what Sikhi teaches us. 

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harsharan000    2,088

Not sure if this technique works out or not, but for sure it is one of the most funny things ever watched

:rofl:rofl:rofl.

 

 

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harsharan000    2,088

 

 

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence.

"My father grows beans," said one girl.

"My mother cooks beans," said a boy.

A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

 

Edited by harsharan000
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harsharan000    2,088

 

 

A tale of 5 idiots

 

Akbar asked Birbal to look for five biggest idiots in his state and produce them in his court within a month.
After a month's extensive search operations, Birbal brought to the court only two persons.
"But I asked for five", Akbar angrily asked. "Give me a chance to present them one by one", Birbal pleaded and went on to present his idiots:

"Maharaj, this man, while travelling in a bullock cart, was keeping his luggage on his head so as not to hurt the bullocks. He is the first <banned word filter activated>.Pointing to the second man Birbal continued, "And this man here is the second <banned word filter activated>. Some grass grew on the roof of his thatched house and he was trying to force his cow climb up a ladder to graze on them."

Birbal continued, "Maharaj, there were a lot of importants jobs for me to do in the state, but I ignored them and wasted a precious month in searching for idiots. According to me I am the third <banned word filter activated>."

Birbal paused here for a moment.

"Who are the fourth and fifth idiots?", Akbar thundered.

"Beg your pardon, Maharaj", Birbal continued, "You are the king and are responsible for the wellbeing of the entire state and its people. You need wise persons to help you oversee the state affairs. Instead of looking for wise people you engaged me to look for idiots. According to me you are the fourth <banned word filter activated>.

And, Maharaj, the person who is glued to this post, keeping aside all his high priority assignments, oblivious of pressing needs of his familiy,  just to learn who is the fifth <banned word filter activated>, is the fifth <banned word filter activated> himself.

You will not find a better <banned word filter activated> to beat this  one.

What do you say, Maharaj?", Birbal concluded.

Akbar said, "Post it immediately in all forums. Lots of idiots are eagerly waiting".
:rofl:p

 

 

Edited by harsharan000
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harsharan000    2,088

 

Socio-Economic classification simplified :));):))

 

Lower class - Biskut
Middle class - Biskit
Upper class - Cookies

Lower class - Roomal
Middle class - Hankie
Upper class - Kerchief

Lower class - tamaatar
Middle class - Ta'may'to
Upper class - Toh'mah'toh

Lower class - Sauce
Middle class - Ketchup
Upper Class - Toh'mah'toh dip

Lower class - Lifafa
Middle class - En've'lope
Upper class - On'vo'lup

Lower class - Nimbu Paani/Shikanji
Middle class - Lemonade
Upper class - Virgin Mojito

Lower class - Jean pyant
Middle class - Jeans
Upper class - Denims

Lower class - Chasma
Middle class - Goggles
Upper class - Shades

Lower class - chaddi
Middle class - underwear
Upper class - lawn-juh-Ray

Lower class : Do cutting chai leke aa bé Pintu.
Middle class : Can I have two cups of tea.
Upper class : May I have two chai lattes please. Regular.


Lower class::rofl:rofl:rofl
Middle class::p:p:p
Upper class::):):)

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harsharan000    2,088

 

Husband Di Saza

Husband Naal Ladai Karn Ton Baad, Tivi Ne Apni Maa Nu Phone Kitta: Mummy Osne Fer Mere Naal Ladai Kitti E, Main Tuade Kol Aa Rahi Han...

Maa: Na Putt Na, Ohnu Ohdi, Galati Di Keemat Chukaani Pavegi,
Tu Na Aa, Main Aa Jaani Aa Tere Kol...

 

 

Husband Wife Problem

Wife: Oh Sweet Heart, Tusi Kinne Pyare Ho? Meri Photo Hamesha Apne Naal-Naal Rakhte Ho? I Love You...

Husband: Jad Vi Koi Problem Aundi Hai, Main Tuhadi Photo Dekh Lenda Han, Te Problem Solve Ho Jandi Hai.

Wife: So nice, Tusi Dekhya Main Tuhade Layi Kinni, Lucky Han?

Husband: Jee Bilkul, Jad Vi Koi Problem Hundi Ae, Tuhadi Photo Dekh Ke Menu Oh Problem Vi Nikki Jehi Lagdi Hai, Sochda Han Ke Jad Aidi Problem Nu Jhalda Han, Eh Tan Kujh Vi Nhi...

 

 

Aalu Bhindi SMS Joke

 
1 Aalu Ne Bhindi K Number Pe I Love U Ka Msg Beja,

Bhindi Ne Use Phone Kar K Bura Bhala Kaha Aur Boli,

Shut Up, Tum Itne Mote Aur Main Slim And Smart,

Aalu Ko Bahut Dukh Hua Aur Us Ne Phir Itni Sabziyan Fasaayi Ki Aaj Aap
Dekh Skte Ho,

Aalu-Ghobi,

Aalu- Bengan,

Aalu-Shimla Mirch,

Aalu-Palak,

Aalu-Matar,

Aalu-Gajar

Aur Bindhi Us Din Se Aaj Tak Akeli H,
Moral: Mat Kar Itna Gurur Surat Par Ae Haseena.

 

 

Son and Papa

 
Son : Papa 10+10 Kine Hunde Ae?
Papa : Ghade, Kanjra , Ullu De Pathe, Nalayak, Haramkhor,
Tenu Kuch Nhi Aunda Ja Andron Calculator Le Ke Aa.
 
 
 
Edited by harsharan000
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harsharan000    2,088

 

Internet Se Download

 
Wife to Husband: Tumhe Pyar Karna Nahi Aata.
Husband: To Kya Ye Bachhe Internet Se Download Kiye Hain???
Wife: Nahi Eh Tan Singh Sahab De Pen Drive To Litte Ne.
 
 

Kash Main Mobile Hunda

 
Kudi Bust Stop Te Khadi, Mobile Te Gallan Kar Rahi Si,
Boy ohnu Comment karda hai: Haye! Kash main mobile hunda, teriyan Gaallan (chicks) naal lagya hunda...
Kudi: Haan, fer main ghar jaa ke charger teri *$%*& ch laundi...
 
 

Rabb ne tiwi nu

 
Rabb ne tiwi nu sunder banaya
Khoobsurat dimaag vi diya
Hirni jehi aakhan deyi
Gulab jehe honth
Pyar bharya dil ditta
Te fer Jubaan deke sab te pani fer ditta...
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