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Not Sardar Jokes : Stand-Up Comedy by Vikramjit Singh

6 posts in this topic

 

An indian origin guy goes for a job interview.

Interviewer : "Can you please write your name in English on this paper?"
 
Interviewer : "Are you sure this is your name"

Man : "Of course, I am sure that this is my name"

Interviewer "So your name is...PRETTY RED PANTIES"?

Man : "Yes sir, you told me to write my name in English, but in Punjabi my name is "SUNDAR LAL CHADHA" !!

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On blondes ...

 

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something.

The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate.

What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

 

                 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                                        One more ..........

One day a blonde walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor askes her what had happened.

She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit, the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.

"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."

"The ba- stard called again"

 

         --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

" But what does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment.

"Watson, you  i-diot he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Edited by harsharan000
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Reunion Special: Read it😀😊😬😄😳

 

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this one..The stuff is from a lady called Archana

"My name is Archana. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended St Xavier's high school.

"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1987. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!!!!", I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then,
that
ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled faced,
gray-haired,
decrepit,
id-iot;
asked,

"What subject did you teach" ?"

:rofl:rofl:p

Edited by harsharan000

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An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak.

His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden.

I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.

That's all I could do for you from here.

I love you,

Ahmed."

Edited by harsharan000
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    • What was their run in over? A lot of the ISYF guys are khalistan lifers bro, sure some were snakes, but a lot still haven't turned their backs on it. Bains idk, he was briefly giving Badal a chance but cut him out very quick. I'd say he went neutral, rather pro-govt. Chauhan, Sohan and all them, still trying to learn more about them.  Very true. If they willed, they could set up Punjab, but why would they? I wouldn't be surprised if the fed govt already is waiting for agriculture to fail, and have a back up planned. They're too smart to remain dependant on Sikhs/Punjab. 
    • It sounds like you have issues with your situation that are being played out vicariously through your daughter.. The issue seems to be one between you and your relationship with your husband.. I think in this situation and to make sense of it,  it is worth disregarding the fact you are both amritdhari. You start by saying he is a angry man, and that you to get angry.. You also say that your daughter gets a lot of love.. It sounds very much like you feel that you have no control over your environment and are a passive player.. And hence the one thing you do have immutable influence over ie. Your daughter has become the battle ground...  Fundamentally it sounds like you're husband is not fulfilling his duties by raising his hand to your dastar he has committed a heinous act of violence..  You don't actually say anything bad about your mother in law so whilst she is not reprimanding your husband may be she is indirectly trying to express her love via your daughter.  You have no reason to feel guilty about your actions sounds like you are frustrated and upset and that needs to be addressed.. You need to speak to people around you not just your husband but may be your mother in law.. And share with her your feelings of powerlessness..  You may already have done some of these things but reading between the lines of what you have written fundamentally it seems like you are unhappy with your husbands behaviour..  Please forgive me if I have misunderstood  Good luck sister  SSA 
    • If you ask me, it's a declaration of war for someone to be pulling a Dastar, I wouldn't ever even tell Non-Sikhs to take off their religious objects; however, an Amritdhari telling another Amritdhari not to wear Dastar is what I'd consider an impossible situation. If you agree with the husband's actions, (which you said previously you don't), then I'd understand where you are coming from.   You seem to have some idealised worldview where every old person is some Mahapurukh, reality-check that's not the case at all, you may be blessed to have a Mahapurukh family, or you may not, the key is each individual case is different, if I heard that any of my female relatives were being insulted openly by some of their in-laws, I'd recommend the same. I haven't insulted any line of any shabad or your interpretation of the Shabad; however, you have to read the entire Shabad to grasp the full-meaning. But even what you are referring to is qualities of ancestors, not the ancestors themselves. Never claimed that. . They were Sikh sakhis, Modern Hinduism was only made when the Indo-Aryans and the Dravidians conquered the Adivasi population. Sikhi has existed since beginning of time. For the sake of keeping the topic at hand relevant, and since I respect you enough not to argue on something like this, I won't discuss more on whether the Sakhis are Hindu or Sikh. Ajamal was a Sikh, and the purpose of the Sakhi is to tell future Sikhs not to be going to prostitutes like Ganika. Dhan Dhan Sri Guru Gobind Singh Ji even prevented from whom if I remember correctly Bhai Joga Singh from going to prostitutes. (If this wrong, you have every right to correct me). Never did and Hopefully with his grace, never will. 
    • Well, if it's impossible, sure. But note that the the impossibility stems from krodh (anger) and haumai (ego) all around. Yet the same anger and ego that makes it impossible for a nuclear family to live with dadi also makes it impossible for husband and wife to live together, and then when the wife splits off, for the children to live with the mother and they will want to be legally emancipated because it's "impossbile". What we end up with is simply the same thing as the 21st century Leftist West: Do whatever you want to do. Which is another name for manmat: Doing what your mann wants. Seriously, bro? The tuk is Guru Sahib's, not mine. You are effectively questioning Gurbani. In any case, the point is not necessarily dadi recounting "we used to idol-worship Shiva back in the day", but all manner of things that your ancestors did: Some examples: how we cultivated the jungle region of Pakistan, the pain of partition, how people used to live simply, how we lost our business due to inability to pay back a loan and we had to struggle for 2 decades to get back on our feet,  how your grandfather's brother was born genetically deformed and how he had to help him all his life, how the servant was so poor she could not marry her daughter so we helped her out, etc, etc. Bro, dharam is not the same thing as getting up and doing Japji Sahib and wearing 5 kakkars (though that's required for us indeed). Dharam is not something that didn't exist before Guru Nanak Dev ji, and just came into existence when Guru Sahib was born, or started parchar. Dharam is something greater, and older. Read this tuk: ਸੁਣਿ ਸਾਖੀ ਮਨ ਜਪਿ ਪਿਆਰ ॥ Listen to the stories of the devotees, O my mind, and meditate with love. Now a question for you: Do you think the sakhis that Guru sahib says to listen to are "Sikh" sakhis or "Hindu" sakhis. Don't look ahead and cheat!!       ---- Answer: "Hindu" sakhis:   ਬਸੰਤੁ ਮਹਲਾ ੫ ਘਰੁ ੧ ਦੁਤੁਕੀਆ Basant, Fifth Mohalla, First House, Du-Tukee: ੴ ਸਤਿਗੁਰ ਪ੍ਰਸਾਦਿ ॥ One Universal Creator God. By The Grace Of The True Guru: ਸੁਣਿ ਸਾਖੀ ਮਨ ਜਪਿ ਪਿਆਰ ॥ Listen to the stories of the devotees, O my mind, and meditate with love. ਅਜਾਮਲੁ ਉਧਰਿਆ ਕਹਿ ਏਕ ਬਾਰ ॥ Ajaamal uttered the Lord's Name once, and was saved. ਬਾਲਮੀਕੈ ਹੋਆ ਸਾਧਸੰਗੁ ॥ Baalmeek found the Saadh Sangat, the Company of the Holy. ਧ੍ਰੂ ਕਉ ਮਿਲਿਆ ਹਰਿ ਨਿਸੰਗ ॥੧॥ The Lord definitely met Dhroo. ||1|| ਤੇਰਿਆ ਸੰਤਾ ਜਾਚਉ ਚਰਨ ਰੇਨ ॥ I beg for the dust of the feet of Your Saints. ਲੇ ਮਸਤਕਿ ਲਾਵਉ ਕਰਿ ਕ੍ਰਿਪਾ ਦੇਨ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥ Please bless me with Your Mercy, Lord, that I may apply it to my forehead. ||1||Pause|| ਗਨਿਕਾ ਉਧਰੀ ਹਰਿ ਕਹੈ ਤੋਤ ॥ Ganika the prostitute was saved, when her parrot uttered the Lord's Name. ਗਜਇੰਦ੍ਰ ਧਿਆਇਓ ਹਰਿ ਕੀਓ ਮੋਖ ॥ The elephant meditated on the Lord, and was saved. ਬਿਪ੍ਰ ਸੁਦਾਮੇ ਦਾਲਦੁ ਭੰਜ ॥ He delivered the poor Brahmin Sudama out of poverty. ਰੇ ਮਨ ਤੂ ਭੀ ਭਜੁ ਗੋਬਿੰਦ ॥੨॥ O my mind, you too must meditate and vibrate on the Lord of the Universe. ||2|| ਬਧਿਕੁ ਉਧਾਰਿਓ ਖਮਿ ਪ੍ਰਹਾਰ ॥ Even the hunter who shot an arrow at Krishna was saved. ਕੁਬਿਜਾ ਉਧਰੀ ਅੰਗੁਸਟ ਧਾਰ ॥ Kubija the hunchback was saved, when God placed His Feet on her thumb. ਬਿਦਰੁ ਉਧਾਰਿਓ ਦਾਸਤ ਭਾਇ ॥ Bidar was saved by his attitude of humility. ਰੇ ਮਨ ਤੂ ਭੀ ਹਰਿ ਧਿਆਇ ॥੩॥ O my mind, you too must meditate on the Lord. ||3|| ਪ੍ਰਹਲਾਦ ਰਖੀ ਹਰਿ ਪੈਜ ਆਪ ॥ The Lord Himself saved the honor of Prahlaad. ਬਸਤ੍ਰ ਛੀਨਤ ਦ੍ਰੋਪਤੀ ਰਖੀ ਲਾਜ ॥ Even when she was being disrobed in court, Dropatee's honor was preserved. ਜਿਨਿ ਜਿਨਿ ਸੇਵਿਆ ਅੰਤ ਬਾਰ ॥ Those who have served the Lord, even at the very last instant of their lives, are saved. ਰੇ ਮਨ ਸੇਵਿ ਤੂ ਪਰਹਿ ਪਾਰ ॥੪॥ O my mind, serve Him, and you shall be carried across to the other side. ||4|| ਧੰਨੈ ਸੇਵਿਆ ਬਾਲ ਬੁਧਿ ॥ Dhanna served the Lord, with the innocence of a child. ਤ੍ਰਿਲੋਚਨ ਗੁਰ ਮਿਲਿ ਭਈ ਸਿਧਿ ॥ Meeting with the Guru, Trilochan attained the perfection of the Siddhas. ਬੇਣੀ ਕਉ ਗੁਰਿ ਕੀਓ ਪ੍ਰਗਾਸੁ ॥ The Guru blessed Baynee with His Divine Illumination. ਰੇ ਮਨ ਤੂ ਭੀ ਹੋਹਿ ਦਾਸੁ ॥੫॥ O my mind, you too must be the Lord's slave. ||5|| ਜੈਦੇਵ ਤਿਆਗਿਓ ਅਹੰਮੇਵ ॥ Jai Dayv gave up his egotism. ਨਾਈ ਉਧਰਿਓ ਸੈਨੁ ਸੇਵ ॥ Sain the barber was saved through his selfless service. ਮਨੁ ਡੀਗਿ ਨ ਡੋਲੈ ਕਹੂੰ ਜਾਇ ॥ Do not let your mind waver or wander; do not let it go anywhere. ਮਨ ਤੂ ਭੀ ਤਰਸਹਿ ਸਰਣਿ ਪਾਇ ॥੬॥ O my mind, you too shall cross over; seek the Sanctuary of God. ||6||\ ਜਿਹ ਅਨੁਗ੍ਰਹੁ ਠਾਕੁਰਿ ਕੀਓ ਆਪਿ ॥ O my Lord and Master, You have shown Your Mercy to them. ਸੇ ਤੈਂ ਲੀਨੇ ਭਗਤ ਰਾਖਿ ॥ You saved those devotees. ਤਿਨ ਕਾ ਗੁਣੁ ਅਵਗਣੁ ਨ ਬੀਚਾਰਿਓ ਕੋਇ ॥ You do not take their merits and demerits into account. ਇਹ ਬਿਧਿ ਦੇਖਿ ਮਨੁ ਲਗਾ ਸੇਵ ॥੭॥ Seeing these ways of Yours, I have dedicated my mind to Your service. ||7|| ਕਬੀਰਿ ਧਿਆਇਓ ਏਕ ਰੰਗ ॥ Kabeer meditated on the One Lord with love. ਨਾਮਦੇਵ ਹਰਿ ਜੀਉ ਬਸਹਿ ਸੰਗਿ ॥ Naam Dayv lived with the Dear Lord. ਰਵਿਦਾਸ ਧਿਆਏ ਪ੍ਰਭ ਅਨੂਪ ॥ Ravi Daas meditated on God, the Incomparably Beautiful. ਗੁਰ ਨਾਨਕ ਦੇਵ ਗੋਵਿੰਦ ਰੂਪ ॥੮॥੧॥ Guru Nanak Dayv is the Embodiment of the Lord of the Universe. ||8||1||   ਬਸੰਤੁ (ਮਃ ੫) ਗੁਰੂ ਗ੍ਰੰਥ ਸਾਹਿਬ ਅੰਗ ੧੧੯੨    Was Ajamal a "Hindu" or a "Sikh"? Why did Guru Sahib tell us to remember his sakhI? Please answer these two questions. Don't doubt Guru Sahib. He is Satguru, we are followers. Note for Hinduphobes: If you read the entire shabad, Guru Arjan Dev ji lists all the "Hindu" personalities that we should remember, but at the very end says Guru Nanak Dev ji is the very form of God. Meaning that the Avatars (Ram Chander, Krishan Bhagvan, etc.) had some level of powers from God, but they were not God. Not so for Guru Nanak Dev ji.