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Not Sardar Jokes : Stand-Up Comedy by Vikramjit Singh

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On blondes ...

 

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something.

The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate.

What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

 

                 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                                        One more ..........

One day a blonde walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor askes her what had happened.

She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit, the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.

"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."

"The ba- stard called again"

 

         --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

" But what does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment.

"Watson, you  i-diot he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Edited by harsharan000
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Reunion Special: Read it😀😊😬😄😳

 

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this one..The stuff is from a lady called Archana

"My name is Archana. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended St Xavier's high school.

"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1987. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!!!!", I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then,
that
ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled faced,
gray-haired,
decrepit,
id-iot;
asked,

"What subject did you teach" ?"

:rofl:rofl:p

Edited by harsharan000
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Air hostess: Sir kya loge?

Jatt : Milk Badam, Kheer, Bread Pakora n Tandoori Chicken wid Naan..

Air hostess : Sir tusi jahaaz te aaye ho,. Apne PYO DE VYAAH te nhi!.

 

 

Jatt on phone: Doctor my wife is pergnant.She is having pain right now.
Doctor: Is this her first child?
Jatt: No this is her husband speaking‚¦
 
 
 
 
Edited by harsharan000
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2 hours ago, harsharan000 said:

 

Air hostess: Sir kya loge?

Jatt : Milk Badam, Kheer, Bread Pakora n Tandoori Chicken wid Naan..

Air hostess : Sir tusi jahaaz te aaye ho,. Apne PYO DE VYAAH te nhi!.

 

 

Jatt on phone: Doctor my wife is pergnant.She is having pain right now.
Doctor: Is this her first child?
Jatt: No this is her husband speaking‚¦
 
 
 
 

What's with the Jatt jokes? This is  the reason people fight about castes, when they put on jokes about each other's castes. This is far from what Sikhi teaches us. 

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Not sure if this technique works out or not, but for sure it is one of the most funny things ever watched

:rofl:rofl:rofl.

 

 

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A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence.

"My father grows beans," said one girl.

"My mother cooks beans," said a boy.

A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

 

Edited by harsharan000
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A tale of 5 idiots

 

Akbar asked Birbal to look for five biggest idiots in his state and produce them in his court within a month.
After a month's extensive search operations, Birbal brought to the court only two persons.
"But I asked for five", Akbar angrily asked. "Give me a chance to present them one by one", Birbal pleaded and went on to present his idiots:

"Maharaj, this man, while travelling in a bullock cart, was keeping his luggage on his head so as not to hurt the bullocks. He is the first <banned word filter activated>.Pointing to the second man Birbal continued, "And this man here is the second <banned word filter activated>. Some grass grew on the roof of his thatched house and he was trying to force his cow climb up a ladder to graze on them."

Birbal continued, "Maharaj, there were a lot of importants jobs for me to do in the state, but I ignored them and wasted a precious month in searching for idiots. According to me I am the third <banned word filter activated>."

Birbal paused here for a moment.

"Who are the fourth and fifth idiots?", Akbar thundered.

"Beg your pardon, Maharaj", Birbal continued, "You are the king and are responsible for the wellbeing of the entire state and its people. You need wise persons to help you oversee the state affairs. Instead of looking for wise people you engaged me to look for idiots. According to me you are the fourth <banned word filter activated>.

And, Maharaj, the person who is glued to this post, keeping aside all his high priority assignments, oblivious of pressing needs of his familiy,  just to learn who is the fifth <banned word filter activated>, is the fifth <banned word filter activated> himself.

You will not find a better <banned word filter activated> to beat this  one.

What do you say, Maharaj?", Birbal concluded.

Akbar said, "Post it immediately in all forums. Lots of idiots are eagerly waiting".
:rofl:p

 

 

Edited by harsharan000
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Socio-Economic classification simplified :));):))

 

Lower class - Biskut
Middle class - Biskit
Upper class - Cookies

Lower class - Roomal
Middle class - Hankie
Upper class - Kerchief

Lower class - tamaatar
Middle class - Ta'may'to
Upper class - Toh'mah'toh

Lower class - Sauce
Middle class - Ketchup
Upper Class - Toh'mah'toh dip

Lower class - Lifafa
Middle class - En've'lope
Upper class - On'vo'lup

Lower class - Nimbu Paani/Shikanji
Middle class - Lemonade
Upper class - Virgin Mojito

Lower class - Jean pyant
Middle class - Jeans
Upper class - Denims

Lower class - Chasma
Middle class - Goggles
Upper class - Shades

Lower class - chaddi
Middle class - underwear
Upper class - lawn-juh-Ray

Lower class : Do cutting chai leke aa bé Pintu.
Middle class : Can I have two cups of tea.
Upper class : May I have two chai lattes please. Regular.


Lower class::rofl:rofl:rofl
Middle class::p:p:p
Upper class::):):)

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Husband Di Saza

Husband Naal Ladai Karn Ton Baad, Tivi Ne Apni Maa Nu Phone Kitta: Mummy Osne Fer Mere Naal Ladai Kitti E, Main Tuade Kol Aa Rahi Han...

Maa: Na Putt Na, Ohnu Ohdi, Galati Di Keemat Chukaani Pavegi,
Tu Na Aa, Main Aa Jaani Aa Tere Kol...

 

 

Husband Wife Problem

Wife: Oh Sweet Heart, Tusi Kinne Pyare Ho? Meri Photo Hamesha Apne Naal-Naal Rakhte Ho? I Love You...

Husband: Jad Vi Koi Problem Aundi Hai, Main Tuhadi Photo Dekh Lenda Han, Te Problem Solve Ho Jandi Hai.

Wife: So nice, Tusi Dekhya Main Tuhade Layi Kinni, Lucky Han?

Husband: Jee Bilkul, Jad Vi Koi Problem Hundi Ae, Tuhadi Photo Dekh Ke Menu Oh Problem Vi Nikki Jehi Lagdi Hai, Sochda Han Ke Jad Aidi Problem Nu Jhalda Han, Eh Tan Kujh Vi Nhi...

 

 

Aalu Bhindi SMS Joke

 
1 Aalu Ne Bhindi K Number Pe I Love U Ka Msg Beja,

Bhindi Ne Use Phone Kar K Bura Bhala Kaha Aur Boli,

Shut Up, Tum Itne Mote Aur Main Slim And Smart,

Aalu Ko Bahut Dukh Hua Aur Us Ne Phir Itni Sabziyan Fasaayi Ki Aaj Aap
Dekh Skte Ho,

Aalu-Ghobi,

Aalu- Bengan,

Aalu-Shimla Mirch,

Aalu-Palak,

Aalu-Matar,

Aalu-Gajar

Aur Bindhi Us Din Se Aaj Tak Akeli H,
Moral: Mat Kar Itna Gurur Surat Par Ae Haseena.

 

 

Son and Papa

 
Son : Papa 10+10 Kine Hunde Ae?
Papa : Ghade, Kanjra , Ullu De Pathe, Nalayak, Haramkhor,
Tenu Kuch Nhi Aunda Ja Andron Calculator Le Ke Aa.
 
 
 
Edited by harsharan000
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Internet Se Download

 
Wife to Husband: Tumhe Pyar Karna Nahi Aata.
Husband: To Kya Ye Bachhe Internet Se Download Kiye Hain???
Wife: Nahi Eh Tan Singh Sahab De Pen Drive To Litte Ne.
 
 

Kash Main Mobile Hunda

 
Kudi Bust Stop Te Khadi, Mobile Te Gallan Kar Rahi Si,
Boy ohnu Comment karda hai: Haye! Kash main mobile hunda, teriyan Gaallan (chicks) naal lagya hunda...
Kudi: Haan, fer main ghar jaa ke charger teri *$%*& ch laundi...
 
 

Rabb ne tiwi nu

 
Rabb ne tiwi nu sunder banaya
Khoobsurat dimaag vi diya
Hirni jehi aakhan deyi
Gulab jehe honth
Pyar bharya dil ditta
Te fer Jubaan deke sab te pani fer ditta...
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    • total bakwas! U only have to look at her name. The hindu indian media are clearly embarrased at this, so put her down in the headlines as an apni, not the hindu that she was.
    • Don't believe the main teacher is one but others look naamdhari (turban style). Not spoken or interacted with them myself but from various pictures/videos, they commercialise a lot (white hippies cult followings.) Their models are around the double the price now - whether you can tell a difference from others or not is up to you to decide.
    • Apparantly this is a "secret" shabad according to the description of the video and Giani Thakur Singh knew about it.  Did the khalsa use to do this in the past?  
    • Omg thank you for making this topic. It lets me think and write abt alot of thoughts ive had over the years. And best of all this related to a sakhi i heard and it shoeed me the importance of it!! First of all, the encounter with the musical instruments shop. I think the difference is between western and indian mentality. Indians like to negotiate, and have nepotism. Which is when u treat ur relatives/or ur communith better than or differently than other people. We in the west have been taught, negotiating is wrong as it shows one being greedy and cheap. And that nepotism/discrimination is wrong. That we all want to be treated equally. Like i would feel uncomfortable in a muslim shop if the muslims were treated perferentially. Also you asked for a discount cuz the instrument didnt have enough accessories. That i think the shopkeepers assistant should have listened to. But because he is an assistant. Sometimes its not in his hand. His boss will get mad. Also its a sikh shop. All his customers are sikh so he cant give discounts to everybody. One reason, things were better in ur days could be cuz sikhs were a minority and faced hardships. Which brings ppl together.  The fruit shopkeeper, gave u a discount or free oranges. That is his dasvandh not yours. Like if he sells u something cheaper. That means hes gonna get some phal/reward.  Tho when u told the book lady ur story, she gave u a discount. I think when u tell ppl ur story, they r more likely to connect with u and be kind. Instead of just asking for discounts. But still as a western born kid, i find it hard to give discounts unless i see that u cant afford something and u really need it.  Like my dad he wants me to be a real estate agent and work for him. Selling his properties. But i dont want to work for him. He likes to cut corners, and not follow rules. He believes in nepotism, treating ppl differently. And i just cant do that. Living like that makes me stressed and on edge and it doesnt meah with my sikhi. I really admire our previous generation. They were able to make it through tough times by breaking laws and putting sikhi and moral values on hold. Im more of a wimp and cant do that. Like i dont think i could survive in poverty if it means an apartment complex that had smoking smells and suchamta issues. Or fake papers. Or any of the things our parents had to do. And how our parents knew every panjabi family. And invited them over.  Now the sakhi:  A sikh was going someplace and was told he should stop at this one shopkeeper sikhs house on the way. The traveler sikh lets call him makhan singh for clarity arrived at the shopkeepers shop. Lets call him Raam Singh. so Makhan singh introduced himself, raam singh made him confortable in the shop. He watched Raam Singh work.  A rich farmer came in. He asked for flour. Raam singh poured it for him. Handed it over. Farmer paid him and left. Raam singh counted the money. Realized he had too much. Called out to the farmer who was leaving. Farmer said keep it and kept walking. Raam Singh ran after him and paid him back. Makhan singh questioned him and he quoted the pangti about prayia hak. That says one must not take anothers earnings/rights. Then makhan singh decided to buy things for his journey. He asked for butter. Raam singh said 5 rupees. Makhan singh tried to get him to lower the price, but Raam singh would not budge. Makhan singh thought what a greedy, miserly person. And paid the 5 rupees. At end of the day, they went home. And Raam Singh said, please I want to be hospitable. Let me know anything you desire and I will do that seva. Makhan singh thought wat a hypocrit, he couldnt even lower one rupee for a fellow sikh and now he is acting all holy. To embarass him, makhan singh said, i would like to take a bath in warm bucket of ghee/butter. He laughed to himself that, butter is expensive this guy will start making excuses now. To his surprise Raam Singh returned with a full bucket of melted butter. And one of hot water. And handed Makhan singh a towel. Makhan singh was speechless. He said, r u crazy, butter is so expensive and u want me to waste it. Raam singh said anything for my gurus sikh. Makan singh called him out. That in the shop u woukdnt even give me 1 rupee discount. And here u r ready to waste 100 ruppes worth of butter. Raam singh said oh that was business. This is sikhi. Plus i dont take another hak nor relinquisg my hak. Hak means rights/earnings. Also i do my utmost best in my business and in sikhi. Then u were talking to me as the business man,  and i value and work hard for my business and my earnings so even 1 rupee i could not let slide. Now u r talking to.me as a sikh, and i value and work hard for sikhi, and even 100 rupees worth of butter is nothing for sikhi. I never understood this sakhi before. I could not understand Raam singh prespective abt work before. Now i kinda do. Be excellent in all u do. Dont shortchange urself. Respect ur job which has given u the ability to support ur family. And once u have given ur best in one field. You can give the same best/hardworking self to sikhi.  Ofc the names r made up in the sakhi. And i forgot the exact sequence of things and dialogue but the essence is there. I think this is one of bhai veer singhs saakhis or i heard it in katha..  
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