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Rishta problem


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6 hours ago, Guest Question said:

Hi  everyone,

thanks for all your comments and feedback, just a quick update, me and my family sat down and thought about it and have decided to reject the rishta on the reason of the mother only. she seemed rather over the top friendly, pushy and a little too keen, also I only got to spend about 10 minutes with the girl in private before the mother came in to the room and started talking for the girl, telling me about her job and her hobbies and how she is so good and can cook saag very well.

I also had a snoop on the girls FB account, she seems rather "lonely" doesn't have many real outside friends on her list other than people that look like family members on her fb list.

she seems like a nice girl but a little too supressed.

someone asked "why does she have to be pretty, tall and well of?"  well she doesn't have to be well of but myself and my family, since we are selfs are (thanks to wahegurus kirpa) "well off", we thought that  its would be best to marry in to a family that is also ok money wise.

as in why does she have to be tall well im 6ft2 and all the girls I have seen have been around 5ft5 5ft6 the most and I personally  just feel awkward marrying someone so short (sorry if I sound shallow). the girl I have ejected is 5ft9 ish looking, the tallest girl I have seen so far, she suited me very well height wise, shame about the mother.

anyway pray I find a match soon...

If it was love marriage I would have supported it but not arranged !

Girl's family should have told Bichola about their elder daughter, no point hiding such a big screw-up.

 

 

 

 

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On Tuesday, April 18, 2017 at 2:14 PM, Guest Question said:

So a rishti wali had given my mother a potential match for me to go a visit, the girl ticks all the boxes in what we are looking for, she is tall, pretty, educated and her family are quite well off.

I went to meet her and the family along with my mother, father and two sisters and we thought the family came across nice, the mother of the daughter was a little over bearing but we just put it down to nerves, I had some "alone" time with the girl in the front room and I got to chat a little with her, she seems down to earth and is even more pretty in real life than on the photo, I must admit i do fancy her abit.

after the meet up my mother told the girls mum that we will let them know in a few days time but before that will be doing some check, the girl mum looked abit taken aback that we wanted to do checks but agreed.

anyway long story short, my mother has found out that the girl has an older sister that we were not told about and this sister has been gone from the family for over 10 years now. Apparently she has ran away from home and is own with a Muslim guy. The family hasn't seen her since but I'm not sure if this rishta is right?

i do like the girl but it's strange that her sister ran off, why did she run off, what if the girl is like her sister, I find it worrying that the family of the girl didn't tell us about there other daughter when we asked how many siblings the girl had, they never mentioned the oldest sister.

should we decline the rishta or should I give it the benefit of the doubt and go ahead with 

Its too late now, but if u dont find another rishta, do think about initiating this one again. Its obvious why the mom didnt mention the older sister. Because ppl would decline the rishta as you did. 

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Guest Jacfsing2
10 hours ago, Guest Question said:

Hi  everyone,

thanks for all your comments and feedback, just a quick update, me and my family sat down and thought about it and have decided to reject the rishta on the reason of the mother only. she seemed rather over the top friendly, pushy and a little too keen, also I only got to spend about 10 minutes with the girl in private before the mother came in to the room and started talking for the girl, telling me about her job and her hobbies and how she is so good and can cook saag very well.

I also had a snoop on the girls FB account, she seems rather "lonely" doesn't have many real outside friends on her list other than people that look like family members on her fb list.

she seems like a nice girl but a little too supressed.

someone asked "why does she have to be pretty, tall and well of?"  well she doesn't have to be well of but myself and my family, since we are selfs are (thanks to wahegurus kirpa) "well off", we thought that  its would be best to marry in to a family that is also ok money wise.

as in why does she have to be tall well im 6ft2 and all the girls I have seen have been around 5ft5 5ft6 the most and I personally  just feel awkward marrying someone so short (sorry if I sound shallow). the girl I have ejected is 5ft9 ish looking, the tallest girl I have seen so far, she suited me very well height wise, shame about the mother.

anyway pray I find a match soon...

If you were looking for a tall Punjabi/Subcontinental girl, good luck, (I haven't seen many), and it's going to be harder to find a girl as tall as her. 

If Facebook was an indicator to find a spouse, well I guess I'm on a loss since I barely use social media, so I wouldn't have many "friends" either. (Better start making those fake accounts.) But yeah Facebook isn't a good indicator, someone could post Gurmukh stuff only, and be some drunkard, hyper-sexual person; while someone who mentions Gurmat stuff once a day could have mixed interests, but in real-life they are pure in what they do, just not as pure.

If you open yourself to "poor",(income-wise), Kaurs then I can assume you can find people more attractive than yourself, (and some of them could be so nice personality-wise). It doesn't help you in the way you think to only go for a rich girl, unless you were trying to get some dowry, (please tell me that's not your case, cause if you did, you are selling yourself, and if problems did arise nobody would back you), and in most Punjabi cultures it's usually the man who should be providing for the wife financially and the bride living in the groom's house not the other way around.

Also be practical and don't say stuff like, your checking out their daughter, for future potential rishte.

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What difference does it make if the girl's family is financially on the same level as yours? Is this how people choose their marriage partners nowadays? This makes me angry, like who cares, she's not bringing any of it with her, or is she? So the older ones ran off and this one is too supressed. 

Chalo, whatever you and your family is best. Maybe best for her too. 

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Guest Jacfsing2
14 hours ago, simran345 said:

What difference does it make if the girl's family is financially on the same level as yours? Is this how people choose their marriage partners nowadays? This makes me angry, like who cares, she's not bringing any of it with her, or is she? So the older ones ran off and this one is too supressed. 

Chalo, whatever you and your family is best. Maybe best for her too. 

I wouldn't want to make the entire situation about his desire for someone who's wealthy, if that what he wants it's what he wants.

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15 hours ago, simran345 said:

What difference does it make if the girl's family is financially on the same level as yours? Is this how people choose their marriage partners nowadays? This makes me angry, like who cares, she's not bringing any of it with her, or is she? So the older ones ran off and this one is too supressed. 

Chalo, whatever you and your family is best. Maybe best for her too. 

I could be mistaken, but the theory behind such ideas is that if both families are comparatively wealthy, i.e. the girl has been raised in an environment where she's accustomed to a certain standard of living and the associated mindset that goes with it, she's less likely to be marrying for the lure of money, compared to someone who is unaccustomed to such wealth had the girl come from a background where money was a scarce commodity. Therefore if the marriage does fail for various reasons, the girl from a poorer background is assumed to be aware of the fact that she'll be entitled to half of her husband's assets in a divorce, whereas the girl from the wealthy background is assumed to be somewhat of a safer bet because the wealth of her husband isn't anything out of the ordinary for her, and therefore she's less likely to cause waves, with the end result her poorer counterpart being "rewarded" with a considerable financial settlement resulting from a failed marriage.

It's complex and there's many caveats involved (for example, the valid idea that a girl from a poorer family would feel compelled to behave herself due to the rewards of marrying into a wealthier family, etc), but that's the long and short of it in my opinion. Personally, i think there are too many assumptions being made in both instances, as some rich people have unquenchable hunger no matter how much they possess, whereas some poorer people are relatively content with their lot. It's a roll of the dice. The best a person and a family can do in these situations is to minimise the risk and make a decision. Blind faith in the goodness of others, or even constant suspicion about other people's motives, isn't healthy.

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Guest Jacfsing2
2 hours ago, MisterrSingh said:

I could be mistaken, but the theory behind such ideas is that if both families are comparatively wealthy, i.e. the girl has been raised in an environment where she's accustomed to a certain standard of living and the associated mindset that goes with it, she's less likely to be marrying for the lure of money, compared to someone who is unaccustomed to such wealth had the girl come from a background where money was a scarce commodity. Therefore if the marriage does fail for various reasons, the girl from a poorer background is assumed to be aware of the fact that she'll be entitled to half of her husband's assets in a divorce, whereas the girl from the wealthy background is assumed to be somewhat of a safer bet because the wealth of her husband isn't anything out of the ordinary for her, and therefore she's less likely to cause waves, with the end result her poorer counterpart being "rewarded" with a considerable financial settlement resulting from a failed marriage.

It's complex and there's many caveats involved (for example, the valid idea that a girl from a poorer family would feel compelled to behave herself due to the rewards of marrying into a wealthier family, etc), but that's the long and short of it in my opinion. Personally, i think there are too many assumptions being made in both instances, as some rich people have unquenchable hunger no matter how much they possess, whereas some poorer people are relatively content with their lot. It's a roll of the dice. The best a person and a family can do in these situations is to minimise the risk and make a decision. Blind faith in the goodness of others, or even constant suspicion about other people's motives, isn't healthy.

If this is what he is thinking, I'm afraid it's a dangerous thinking; especially because people always have LOBH,(one of the ignored 4 evils that barely gets any attention, and we all know who gets the most attention?), it's not something people just get over because they win the lottery or something, something our soul has been dealing with since the beginning of seperation of Vaheguru cannot be fixed, die to getting some money. There is always the risk of losing money and the person asking the question should ask if the one they want to marry can tolerate a loss of income for whatever reason, would they be able to be satisfied? Poor people generally will understand financial troubles and they generally understand the value of money so are less-likely to waste it on useless things. Not everyone who's not financially well-off is a gold-digger, of course they want to be rich like the rest of the desires many people have; however, that doesn't mean they are going to lower their own dignity, (generally). But the poor girl discrimination should just stop, because unlike a male, the people in Punjabi culture don't marry into the girl's household, they marry into the man's household, (though don't discriminate poor man's family either, if they have education and the opportunity). 

Wonder how some of our people would react if they saw Ravidas or was in the same time he came? ?Would they spit in his face, because of his low-wealth or would they be reasonable and accept that he is higher than them and maybe do one of those Indian elderly bows, (not a Mehta Tekh, but you should know what I'm talking about). ?

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