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Guest Ashsingh

Broken families and marriage

5 posts in this topic

I was just wondering what people's thoughts was on broken families, well parents being divorced. The word broken is just wrong. The older I get the more I find the amount of stigma attached to young people and adults who come from divorced parents. An example would be when a a Sikh man wants to get married to a Sikh women, but their parents are against it because the man comes from a so called broken family, but what has that got to do with the man? he still could be hard working, loyal, and honest. i'm not sure if women are faced with the same thing. 

What if the divorced parents met other people and are happy, should that go against the son or daughter? I find our culture very judgemental in this aspect and as a Sikh should't we supporting each other instead of turning each other away. 

Anyway  I was just wondering what peoples thoughts was on this.

Would you get married to a Sikh women or man who came from the broken family and would your family be 100% okay with this? 

 

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First of all I must say it's not something that's unique to Sikhs. It's an attitude that's steeped in - surprise surprise - Punjabi culture. To claim it's a Sikh thing is implying it has precedence in Sikh teachings, which is like suggesting cousin marriage is a universal Islamic practice, and smoking (weird example, I know) is a Christian thing. When discussing such issues we must be specific and learn to correctly label the name of things.

Secondly, I agree, OP. If you think children of divorced parents have it tough in these situations, spare a thought for the kids of a widowed parent. In both cases there is definitely a stigma surrounding one-parent families in our culture. My own theory is that the Punjabi masses assume the child (and later adult) hadn't been raised in a stable, disciplined environment due to there being only one parent on the scene, and so that somehow spells trouble for the potential partner of such a person. I can see the faint logic in assuming that might be true, but even the most cursory of glances at our community tells us that kids and young adults where both parents are still together don't need any encouragement when it comes to misbehaviour. Unfortunately attributes such as personal responsibility, honour, respect, and integrity are assumed to be found only in complete families, whereas in my experience the most duplicitous and disarmingly deceptive youngsters and young adults are found in families where both parents have assumed parenting responsibilities. 

What can you do? Be the best person you can be. People will know what you're all about if you've kept your nose clean, because as funny as it may sound, those same people who gossip about wayward kids, are also the same people who notice the good kids keeping their noses clean. Word gets around no matter what. Just keep plugging away, you'll be fine.

 

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Believe it or not marriage happens by Sanjog (destiny).

When your time comes God will make things happen !

Girl n her parents will see your merit and ignore all shortcomings.

Till then take support of Naam & Gurbani, don't sell yourself short !

Ang 1086 Line 19 Raag Maaroo: Guru Nanak Dev
 

ਵਿਣੁ ਗਾਹਕ ਗੁਣੁ ਵੇਚੀਐ ਤਉ ਗੁਣੁ ਸਹਘੋ ਜਾਇ ॥

Vin Gaahak Gun Vaecheeai Tho Gun Sehagho Jaae ||

विणु गाहक गुणु वेचीऐ तउ गुणु सहघो जाइ ॥

If virtue is sold when there is no buyer, then it is sold very cheap.

 

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Families are broken due to ahankar, so it is okay if people do not want their child do be associated with a broken family when it is time for them to get married. Besides, divorce is not even possible in Sikhism, it can be called abandoning eachother, but nevertheless they are still considered as a couple.

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On 3/3/2017 at 11:36 AM, Guest Ashsingh said:

I was just wondering what people's thoughts was on broken families, well parents being divorced. The word broken is just wrong. The older I get the more I find the amount of stigma attached to young people and adults who come from divorced parents. An example would be when a a Sikh man wants to get married to a Sikh women, but their parents are against it because the man comes from a so called broken family, but what has that got to do with the man? he still could be hard working, loyal, and honest. i'm not sure if women are faced with the same thing. 

What if the divorced parents met other people and are happy, should that go against the son or daughter? I find our culture very judgemental in this aspect and as a Sikh should't we supporting each other instead of turning each other away. 

Anyway  I was just wondering what peoples thoughts was on this.

Would you get married to a Sikh women or man who came from the broken family and would your family be 100% okay with this? 

 

With lots of hindsight and experience (at this moment in time) I'd say this to you:

First thing, a fair few families that would be snobby about these things end up in the same boat themselves. They usually have to eat humble pie when their own daughter (or son) gets divorced, and let's be frank - that is increasingly happening in the community these days. We all know it. On the other side, how many daughters from 'respectable' families end up miserable as hell in their marriages? We get an indication of this through gupt posts from such women regularly on this forum and they would only represent a small portion of those going through similar. 

I've seen jumped up families, end up desperate to get their daughters married to someone (when they were previously going on haughty) so many times now, it's actually funny. When a cousin or daughter runs off with a gora/kala/sullah/drug dealer or (more commonly) ends up with some abusive apna or with abusive in-laws from another fronting 'respectable' family - home truths get confronted. There are loads of girls from what used to be jumped up families, who are divorced and are now a bit more realistic about what having a partner actually entails. Waheguru works in mysterious ways and blesses some people by breaking down their own hankar in these matters, making them more humble in the process. Which often makes them better people (if they can avoid perpetual bitterness!)

My specific advice to brothers in your boat is this: 

Make sure you look after yourself physically. Training should be part and parcel of your life as a Singh anyway! Have your own style without being a he-b1tch about such things and spending money on it like a weak consumerist sheep. If you need it, work on your confidence, and NEVER base your life solely around women. Constantly seek to improve yourself whilst Waheguru allows you this luxury (keep fit and buff, develop your intellect and social understanding). 

This is a good way to make sure girls are attracted to you. Avoid fronting, jumped up families like the plague - they will only be a headache for someone not brought up in such a benauti environment. Value yourself, regardless of what worldly obsessed people think.

(As an interesting aside read up the Prem Sumarag section on marriage to get a perspective of what some of our ancestors thought about this subject. I'm sure you can find it on scribd). 

Edited by dallysingh101
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