good upbringing of my child

[jkvlondon]

15 hours ago, Guest guest said:

It s not jealous or weong feelings before being judgemental one should try to atleast think of all possibilities.I have respect for my family members that is why I have become mother of my husband's child and my mother in laws grandchild but sometimes there are so many things going around that u become insecure..I wish to have an answer from someone who has experienced motherhood..how your mind is gripped with fears and insecurities once you have to leave your bundle of joy nd get back to work.anyways those who used harsh words should atleast think about it that I just asked for Gurbaani's help to get me out of insecurities so that I can give a positive environment to my child..i have been true to what I am feeling and the elders on this forum should make others understand things with love..one who is already undergoing tough time doesnt need such harsh words..I might be wrong and even if I am wrong I need someone to listen woth love and show me right path with love...Had this love and affection already at my home I wouldnt have to come to this forum...so people out there pl dont be judgemental about someone..those who come to this forum for seeking personal advice have probably tried every other solution to their problems...I am a very peace loving person and to avoid arguments and disputes I have never got courage to discuss my feelings wth my husband .but ai never knew that I am trying to avoid I will face here.

I am the mother of four kids , and my in-laws are from a totally different culture and mentality , they have tried their utmost to break up and interfere in our family life , and even 21 years on they haven't changed . I can see a first time Mum struggling with the idea of going back to work first of all , then a girl who is unsure of her husband's love ...a tip  from my own life , if you have a loving family member willing  to look after your little one you can be relaxed about the nightmare scenarios that play in your head plus it will be much more enriching for all involved . I was working in the city at the time so I can relate . I was lucky that we lived near my Mum when I had my first but when I had my twins we had moved far away and so know how I was too worried to leave them as infants with a stranger  (that was one of the cons on my list apart from the cost and the possibility of them picking up bad habits from others).  

Another plus with your MIL looking after little one is you can tell her to expose baby to kirtan and gurbani rather than nursery rhymes and silly tv programmes and she will not mind if you ask about fine details of the day unlike a paid sitter.  

The thing with marriage is this- you set the tone , if you are submissive and weak your partner will get used to that and run things to his benefit only , and you will be dissatisfied because you will feel unheard. Kaurs are meant to speak up if something is wrong and if you cannot do this with the person you are supposed to be partners with you will end up creating a situation where he thinks everything's is hunky dory until you explode and then he thinks wow she's crazy what did I do that was so bad ?  Sure it will be out of your comfort zone to speak up initially but with time the truth shared will allow both of you to be closer and understand each other . Judging from his ideas he really hasn't got the concept in his head just how stressed you are about being away from your child - you need to talk to him and set him straight . Maybe this will help him be more aware and sympathetic .  

Anyway life is what you make of it , if you forget Gurbani and Guru Pita ji's sikhiya it can make it unsurmontable but if you remember and keep Guru Pita ji's advice in your mind and heart life's troubles  will not get to you . Maybe you need to recite 'Ja tu mere val hai , ta keha mushande' on a daily basis to build up that understanding.

p.s. you didn't decide to become a mother as a favour to your husband or his Mother ,Guru ji blessed you with a child ...get the attitude straight for your own sake -gratitude always, haumai never 

 

[jkvlondon]

15 hours ago, Guest guest said:

Sir my son is not married to anyone ...who can take care of him...if you are not ready to let your son share his life with someone you should not marry your son then...it s all bcz of the things that I have been deprived of that sich feelings of insecurities came to my mind..and If his mother has the right to look after my son why my parents not have that right..is all the wisdom granted to boy's parents only?i just narrated a part of the story..the crux of my dillema was to ask for some path to become stronger mentally..but you people have assumed so many wrong things for me..

1. if you are the infant's mother then of course he is not married 

2. why are you getting so angry about the relationship between son and mother ? it was the two of them together for decades before you were even a thought in their minds  and it only right a child will want to look after his parents to return that love and care he/she received as a child . It's call a debt of love something you will look forward to in the future yourself.

3. Why did you get married ? was it to be the controller of your husband or his partner and equal?

4. what have you been deprived of ? you cannot expect people to understand what you haven't said .

5. I think you need to lose that immaturity , it will not serve you as a mother , both sets of grandparents have an input to the grandkids upbringing but usually the ones nearest and most willing will do the work . Perhaps your folks may not want the responsibility of the day to day looking after of an infant , some grandparents just want to play a little and then return to Mum when the crying starts (that's the truth) just because they are your parents doesn't mean they are not immune to these kinds of feelings/behaviour .

6. the crux of what you told us was you are unhappy , because you will not speak to your husband about your feelings and do not trust your mother in law to have your baby's welfare at heart , for what reason you have not elaborated beyond my husband thought it would be a good idea to send my son and his grandma to India for a few years . You cannot say the things you said and not expect people to say your are being competitive with your MIL for husband's loyalty because that is clear, your words betray your insecurity about many things and your passive aggressive nature . Grow some spine and accept that maybe you don't need to be so harsh in your judgement of your family members , yes THEY ARE YOUR FAMILY - it is also your husband's first child .

7. you cannot claim respect when your words sound bitter and disrespectful towards your husband ...

[dallysingh101]

16 hours ago, Guest guest said:

It s not jealous or weong feelings before being judgemental one should try to atleast think of all possibilities.I have respect for my family members that is why I have become mother of my husband's child and my mother in laws grandchild but sometimes there are so many things going around that u become insecure..I wish to have an answer from someone who has experienced motherhood..how your mind is gripped with fears and insecurities once you have to leave your bundle of joy nd get back to work.anyways those who used harsh words should atleast think about it that I just asked for Gurbaani's help to get me out of insecurities so that I can give a positive environment to my child..i have been true to what I am feeling and the elders on this forum should make others understand things with love..one who is already undergoing tough time doesnt need such harsh words..I might be wrong and even if I am wrong I need someone to listen woth love and show me right path with love...Had this love and affection already at my home I wouldnt have to come to this forum...so people out there pl dont be judgemental about someone..those who come to this forum for seeking personal advice have probably tried every other solution to their problems...I am a very peace loving person and to avoid arguments and disputes I have never got courage to discuss my feelings wth my husband .but ai never knew that I am trying to avoid I will face here.

Maybe putting off discussing things with your husband has helped get you into your current position? 

Also, make sure you aren't suffering from post-natal depression or any other psychological malaise. 

You know some of the language you use suggests that you have a real detachment from your husband. I think you might have a deep, burning resentment of him that will only get worse unless you deal with it constructively.  If this is true (I don't know, you'll know better than me), it would be patently obvious to him and the MIL, no matter how much you might try and disguise it. They might start to to think that there is something psychologically off with you and start to fear what you might do as a consequence. 

If you want to deal with you insecurities, try and confront them and face up to the reality that most kids have a relationship with their grandparents - it's not anything unusual. 

[dallysingh101]

On the other front. I just realised that the OP may be talking about her child being sent to a foreign country away from her for some time. I can understand if someone is apprehensive about this. 

But I have to ask whether her own behaviour has spooked her husband and MIL which has led to them making this suggestion? 

[jkvlondon]

6 minutes ago, dallysingh101 said:

On the other front. I just realised that the OP may be talking about her child being sent to a foreign country away from her for some time. I can understand if someone is apprehensive about this. 

But I have to ask whether her own behaviour has spooked her husband and MIL which has led to them making this suggestion? 

I think perhaps it was a spitball which was ultimately rejected because she managed to get her feeling across for that . Bhenji seems more than a little chippy ...my feeling is the whole root is her own reluctance to speak her truth gently and in a timely manner . 

I have had what others have described as nightmare inlaws but we still have a good husband wife bond because I acknowledge that NO ONE picks their folks it just comes in the package , and he has his feelings of love and duty just like I do so sure we both support each other in doing sewa of our folks and I will put mitti on his parents nonsense to me  as it only hurts him - they feel no remorse. My own Deor (lived with us 2 years) cannot get head around why I treat them so well when they are so nasty to me - Gurmat sikhiya and the desire to honour my husband's goodness . If most wives and husbands thought this way they would have a much more smooth journey.

[simran345]

Guest penji, because people don't know the full story of your situation, they will only give their opinions on what they read or the scene that has been described. 

You obviously know what you are going through. Even if you do have insecurities, you should not keep them hidden. You need to talk to your husband and explain how you are feeling, without making him take sides. He's not going to leave your mother in law, as she gave birth to him, and your child will do the same and not leave you. 

You should also go for counselling from the doctor as this is affecting you negatively in your life and at work you may get anxious too. 

It's not easy, leaving your paternal family and living with in laws that you have not known long, in comparison to the family you were born in for all this years of your life. 

I understand you are feeling alone and negative thoughts are creeping in. Have you had your health check up after the birth? Just get them also done to make sure you are not getting low mood or depressive symptoms due to any deficiency. Get your vitamin D studies and vitamin B12 done also. 

Is there any mother baby support group in your area? Do your doctors offer any support or advice to new baby mothers? Hormones can also play a part in insecurities, anxiety, and fears. So get them checked too. 

Give your mother in law a chance to bond with the baby too, whilst you are at work. Sit with them, and then you won't worry about anything. But don't pick unwanted faults, and nowadays there are more different methods and ways of bringing up a child when you was younger. So don't let that be the obstacle of you trusting your mother in law. She would only have his best interests at heart. As long as he gets love and care, that's what matters, then your soul will be able to relax. 

Some shabads to help you relax:

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

3 hours ago, dallysingh101 said:

On the other front. I just realised that the OP may be talking about her child being sent to a foreign country away from her for some time. I can understand if someone is apprehensive about this. 

But I have to ask whether her own behaviour has spooked her husband and MIL which has led to them making this suggestion? 

They want to send him back to India because my mil is more comfortable living in India and they want to raise child according to Indian culture..that shows their own insecurities..my husband feels he doesnt have enough time for the kid.sending him to India is a better way

[MisterrSingh]

2 hours ago, Guest guest said:

They want to send him back to India because my mil is more comfortable living in India and they want to raise child according to Indian culture..that shows their own insecurities..my husband feels he doesnt have enough time for the kid.sending him to India is a better way

That's not right. In that case you should be in your husband's ear to convince him of your feelings on this issue. But do it with diplomacy and without burning bridges. Festering away on the sidelines isn't helping anyone. I apologise if I may have seemed harsh previously. 

[Guest guest]

14 minutes ago, MisterrSingh said:

That's not right. In that case you should be in your husband's ear to convince him of your feelings on this issue. But do it with diplomacy and without burning bridges. Festering away on the sidelines isn't helping anyone. I apologise if I may have seemed harsh previously. 

may be his mother made him forget his dad and his family that is why they always have these insecurities...because they know they have not behaved with me well

[Guest guest]

On Wednesday, February 22, 2017 at 7:37 AM, Preeet said:

Vaheguru ji Ka Khalsa
Vaheguru ji Ki Fateh ji

Your concern for your child is beautiful, but the only thing I can really reccomend is that you should not worry if your child is in their grandmother's care. She seems like she is fond of your child, and who can be better at raising a child than their grandmother (who loves them). I do not know the full back story, but when it comes to elders you should let them have their 'fun' if that means they are a bit controlling.. Unless they are committing a crime, or trying to make drifts between family members, you should not worry. Just try to understand their perspective, and may you continue living in chardikala : )! Don't let your child have any negative feelings (arguing among the child etc) around them no matter what (make them feel grateful), that is simply how the child will grow up to be peaceful since they will not know how to argue or even be agitated. 

My mil wants my child to call her mom and me by my name..is that genuine?she is forcing my husband to send the baby to India wth her because she is more comfortable living in India and my husband doesnt have enough time..there were so many things that made me have such feelings and emotions ..every now and then she starts narrating stories of people who send their babies to India to live with their grandparents..if she cannot live without her son how can I live without my baby?I have never seen her behaving as a Gursikh except for she enjoys visiting Gurudwaras but her greed for money and fame...I dont know what to say but yes I dont want my child to learn things that she has taught her son..as far as the grandmother's love is concerned I wwant my child to have lot of love from every family member