good upbringing of my child

[dallysingh101]

Quote

I have to wonder whether Punjabi culture has facilitated the process of marriage for guys who, if they had to fend for themselves and find a life partner on the strength of their personality, appeal, and generally pleasant demeanour, wouldn't be capable of attracting a mate of their own volition. Are things set up so they can't fail?

Mate, what they've developed is so fool-proof that even the fact that a boy might be gay or bisexual doesn't stop them from successfully finding a partner for him. lol!! That's saying something! lol

Come on geez, we all know blokes who've been married off, who'd have probably never been able to pull a girl off their own back due to lack of masculinity. The interesting thing is that they then go on to have pretty successful marriages afterwards, which says a lot too. I don't know, how different is it from some old a55, rich white man getting married to some young a55 oriental girl (which you see all the time)?

[dallysingh101]

19 hours ago, Guest guest said:

...no doubt grandparents have their experiences but in this case me being a medical professional I think I know more of the things that my baby needs...regarding bonding with grandparents I never deny that until and unless that bonding is not meant to snatch a child from a mother..

You're an educated professional for God's sake. Stick up for yourself!

[MisterrSingh]

22 minutes ago, dallysingh101 said:

. You'd be surprised. There are men who pay to be humiliated and degraded by women apparently!! lol

I fully agree that any bloke with a shred of self-respect wouldn't tolerate some mouthy, difficult cow (of which we have an abundance in our community for some reason?), but on the flipside, any Sikh bloke who's happy to have a doormat of a women for his wife has his own (serious) issues. 

Lol at that first paragraph.

Unfortunately, it's drilled into men (by whom I'm not sure; the collective cultural subconscious of the time?) that to have a hassle free life, a man should cede all control to his wife. Basically it allows him to "switch off" and coast along on the coat tails of his wife's whims. The path of least resistance and all that. It's an especially prevalent attitude in the West. That, I believe, leads to all sorts of problems since when one partner in a relationship actively "checks out" of any mental engagement with his significant other, the assumption being that everything will run smoothly "if I don't causes waves." I don't know how any male can live like that. Equally, having a woman who's barely there, mentally speaking, or so meek as to be virtually invisible, isn't my idea of a marriage. Unfortunately, it's a very rare situation where like-minded, mature, and switched-on individuals decide to live a reciprocal and mature existence as partners who want to be there, as opposed to two people brought together just because.

The older I get the more I'm beginning to feel that our elders had, by and large, the right idea. They weren't suffering under illusions or fantasies. Marriage was a transaction. It facilitated the growth of families. People just got on with things, give or take the obvious occasional dramas between folk living in close proximity. It wasn't fuelled by a culture of wholly unrealistic dreams of perfection that are so ludicrous that believing in such things will clearly lead to deflation and disappointment. Affection grows (dependent on the people involved); I don't necessarily believe it should be a prerequisite. 

[dallysingh101]

Quote

The older I get the more I'm beginning to feel that our elders had, by and large, the right idea. They weren't suffering under illusions or fantasies. Marriage was a transaction. It facilitated the growth of families. People just got on with things, give or take the obvious occasional dramas between folk living in close proximity. It wasn't fuelled by a culture of wholly unrealistic dreams of perfection that are so ludicrous that believing in such things will clearly lead to deflation and disappointment. Affection grows (dependent on the people involved); I don't necessarily believe it should be a prerequisite.

Yeah. It's Hollywood and romantic literature that created a totally unrealistic image of relationships. 

[Guest guest]

On Thursday, February 23, 2017 at 3:55 PM, MisterrSingh said:

Apparently the rationale behind such decisions is that the "degeneracy" of the West isn't conducive to a sensible and respectful child with morals and values. Funny how that doesn't extend to the opportunities it affords these same people to accumulate cash, lol. Have they completely managed to avoid any other people in Punjab, and haven't heard the carry on by the youngsters over there?

An inadequate and foolish parent is going to make a pig's ear of their child no matter which country he or she is raised.

Well, now some more details are emerging, it seems the husband wants to shirk his duties as a father by palming off his child to his mother. 

I fail to understand why people say they have moved to foreign land to give their family a better life...it s so untrue..ppl who want to send their kids back to India are the ones who know that they themselves have many negatives  in their behaviour and character and they are afraid that their children will recognise and question them which is not so in India.

[Guest guest]

On Thursday, February 23, 2017 at 6:26 PM, dallysingh101 said:

I agree. As you mentioned, it's not like their isn't a world of problems going on in Panjab itself. Serious ones.

 

I have some empathy. Maybe he wasn't smart enough to deduce what is expected of fatherhood due to his own absent father? Lack of modelling so to speak. It doesn't happen all the time though, as I know plenty of guys who've grown up without their fathers (for various reasons) who've gone on to become decent, responsible fathers themselves. Or at least as good as anyone else in these times. 

Could be one of those 'blind leading the blind' situations here? Despite the best intentions, some people's cognitive limitations in perceiving their situations, and the impact of their decisions on others can lead to real strange behaviour that they are genuinely oblivious too. Some people do destructive things out of malice, some people do destructive things because they don't know any better and actually believe they are doing good. Crazy world but is VERY common. 

It s been taught to him that raising a child is a duty of lady,it is so unfortunate that even after getting higher education and exposure liberal and rational attitude of west some people are not ready to change their mentality...my family is suffering a lot because my husband is not ready to accept some things which he hasnt seen in his childhood but which are normal in a common man's life...a child needs his mother definitely in all spheres of life...it s a proven fact that absence of any parent bring in insecurity in a child's life...and it s not just this matter...he has never given me a right to take decisions that normally in a family a lady takes just bcz his mother wants all the importance but this is not the way life goes...I had accepted everything in the past but now it s my child's future however my husband is so stubborn he is ready to leave me but he cannot bring any change in the family..and talking to him is of no use because he is never ready to listen to anything that his mother doesnt want..so I just pray to Waheguru that help me to give my child a good environment.I am so afraid that once he will start his school the environment at our home will have a negative impact on him cz in the school children get an exposure,definitely he is going to recognise the difference of environment at his home and his friend's home..and I am sure to avoid this my husband wants to send his son to India.

[Guest guest]

On Friday, February 24, 2017 at 3:57 AM, Preeet said:

Can you live with her together at India? I guess you should follow your intuition. 

I can live in India but she and her relatives talk irrationally and it will impact my child very badly.moreover my child is born in a different country why should he suffer?the kind of life my mil wants to give him is not good in any way.no discipline..no healthy surroundings..my main motive is to become stronger by seeking Gurbani help

[Guest guest]

On Friday, February 24, 2017 at 6:43 AM, MisterrSingh said:

I dread to think the kind of pressure they'll apply to make that happen. Or maybe they'll just forge her signature?

Well my parents live in India and I do have to visit them someday and also our roots belong to India ..but what happens after we land there is the cause of concern as my husband will never give me my child's passport...people always blame the partners who are bought by nri s to foreign lands but in reality those who come here on marriage basis are exploited so badly as they are fully dependent on their spouses and they have already left everything backhome..

[dallysingh101]

23 hours ago, Guest guest said:

It s been taught to him that raising a child is a duty of lady,it is so unfortunate that even after getting higher education and exposure liberal and rational attitude of west some people are not ready to change their mentality...my family is suffering a lot because my husband is not ready to accept some things which he hasnt seen in his childhood but which are normal in a common man's life...a child needs his mother definitely in all spheres of life...it s a proven fact that absence of any parent bring in insecurity in a child's life...and it s not just this matter...he has never given me a right to take decisions that normally in a family a lady takes just bcz his mother wants all the importance but this is not the way life goes...I had accepted everything in the past but now it s my child's future however my husband is so stubborn he is ready to leave me but he cannot bring any change in the family..and talking to him is of no use because he is never ready to listen to anything that his mother doesnt want..so I just pray to Waheguru that help me to give my child a good environment.I am so afraid that once he will start his school the environment at our home will have a negative impact on him cz in the school children get an exposure,definitely he is going to recognise the difference of environment at his home and his friend's home..and I am sure to avoid this my husband wants to send his son to India.

You know, I've met a few guys like that who have grown up with both parents. But the mother has always (clearly!) been the dominant one between the parents. So I think it might be a red herring for you to think this is down to lack of father figure in his life.