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good upbringing of my child


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WJKKWJKF,

Sadh sangat ji I need a genuine advice on my personal matter.I have been blessed with a baby boy two months back.My husband has been raised by his mother alone as his parents got seperated during his childhood.Since the first day of my marriage I have observed that my husband due to his parents seperation is not a balanced person.I mean he always favors his mother due to which I have suffered a lot.He never shares any important thing of his life with me,it s always his mum who he confides in which upsets me because I have never seen so much secrets between spouses..anyways I tried to change my husband but I couldnt and now I dont even want to .But now my concern is my child..my husband wants to please his mum by letting my baby stay with her most of the time.Initially he wanted to send my son alongwith his grandmother to India for early years for which I revolted but now he wants his mother to spend more time with my son.he wants me to join my job soon and leave my baby to his mother..I am not very strong person so I cannot revolt and argue everyday.Doing path from Gurbaani is my solution to all the problems.I just want Maharaj ji's kirpa on my son ,I want Maharaj ji to be with my son all the time ,to nurture his mind with good thoughts.

Can anyone tell me any shabads or paths from Gurbani which I should do when my baby is with me so that I dont have to worry for anything in the time when he is not with me.I love my child a lot and I want him to be raised as a gentleman.I dont want him to learn anything which is not rational like his father has learned.and above all I want him to love me also,I have been gripped with this sense of insecurity that he will not love me as he will stay with his grandmother for most of the time because his father never loved me in all these years of marriage due to his mother's influence..My husband's only motive remains his mother's importance in the house.I understand the reason behind this but these things have always effected me and my relation with my husband.

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48 minutes ago, silverSingh said:

 

She needs to stop buying into the adversarial "Saas vs Nau" culture that's a staple of Punjabi life. As someone on the path of Gursikhi, surely she should be above such nonsense? God forbid a guy is close to his mother after having being deserted by his father when he was a child.

There is a case to be made of guys who are manipulated and controlled by an overbearing female presence (there are some truly horrific accounts of couples ripped apart by such women), but in this case the wife seems to be threatened by the mere fact that the husband isn't immediately bowing and scraping at her feet.

No wonder so many Singhs are turning their back on grishti, when this is the level of maturity out there when it comes to potential partners. If the mother is making life difficult for them both, then she needs a stern talking to. But if there's none of that, and the wife simply resents the closeness between mother and son, then that's just twisted.

I also find it quite ironic how she expressed her devotion for her baby, but resents that same level of intimacy between her husband and his mother. Very amusing.

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17 hours ago, Guest guest said:

WJKKWJKF,

Sadh sangat ji I need a genuine advice on my personal matter.I have been blessed with a baby boy two months back.My husband has been raised by his mother alone as his parents got seperated during his childhood.Since the first day of my marriage I have observed that my husband due to his parents seperation is not a balanced person.I mean he always favors his mother due to which I have suffered a lot.He never shares any important thing of his life with me,it s always his mum who he confides in which upsets me because I have never seen so much secrets between spouses..anyways I tried to change my husband but I couldnt and now I dont even want to .But now my concern is my child..my husband wants to please his mum by letting my baby stay with her most of the time.Initially he wanted to send my son alongwith his grandmother to India for early years for which I revolted but now he wants his mother to spend more time with my son.he wants me to join my job soon and leave my baby to his mother..I am not very strong person so I cannot revolt and argue everyday.Doing path from Gurbaani is my solution to all the problems.I just want Maharaj ji's kirpa on my son ,I want Maharaj ji to be with my son all the time ,to nurture his mind with good thoughts.

Can anyone tell me any shabads or paths from Gurbani which I should do when my baby is with me so that I dont have to worry for anything in the time when he is not with me.I love my child a lot and I want him to be raised as a gentleman.I dont want him to learn anything which is not rational like his father has learned.and above all I want him to love me also,I have been gripped with this sense of insecurity that he will not love me as he will stay with his grandmother for most of the time because his father never loved me in all these years of marriage due to his mother's influence..My husband's only motive remains his mother's importance in the house.I understand the reason behind this but these things have always effected me and my relation with my husband.

have you ever stepped into her shoes once ? imagine bringing up your only son by yourself , then seen him safely through the teen years to adulthood when he marries and has a family of his own . I'm guessing you are not living with her due to the horror you express (WHY? ) so she gets to see her son sometimes and now she has a grandchild the reward of the years of faith and work, a person to invest her love without the real heavylifting of her youth.  Would you be happy if someone told you that you are not fit to look after your grandchild ? that you should not have a close relationship with your only child anymore ? granted Your Husband was being unrealistic about sending his child to India but it didn't happen did it? HE LISTENED TO YOUR CONCERN.

Waheguru ji sent your child in this world for a reason and it was NOT to be a tool for emotional tug of war /blackmail , your SEWA is to show him the world through the eyes of gurbani and through good ations and thoughts which he will pick up from you . Do you think he will not understand the hate/dislike you show towards your suss and that in turn wont colour his mind? If you want a good relationship with your child DO NOT interfere with any blossoming relationship with his family members because in the end you will be paid in your own coin.  Your insecurity speaks volumes , you are just envious of the possibility of another being loved as much as you . But Bhenji when you loved your own Dadi ji and Nani ji was it exactly the same as your Mum or different ? Think about how irrational your fears are, you are his mother and therefore the one who should be able to see that the Child is not yours but Akal Purakh's , he has blessed you with the sewa of bringing up and protecting this child's sikhi. He already has Guru ji's protection and companionship as long as you teach him to do naam jap and be a good human . We are not superstitious that any one shabad is a magic spell to create a 'gentleman'  it is the collective accumulation of naam and rehit that does that.

When you got married the sikhiya may not have been given so as an older sister I will tell you , your suss is the same for you as your birth mother and the family members in your new home the same status as those in your birth home . Whereever Guru ji sends you in life you are to take naam da aasara always, and speak and act as a daughter of Guru Pita ji : where there is ashanti, irka, krodh, te kalesh  you will spread Gurbani di roshni and tandak, in your darkest moments remember Guru ji's charan and do your ardas for help Guru ji is always angsang.  

 

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18 hours ago, Guest guest said:

WJKKWJKF,

Sadh sangat ji I need a genuine advice on my personal matter.I have been blessed with a baby boy two months back.My husband has been raised by his mother alone as his parents got seperated during his childhood.Since the first day of my marriage I have observed that my husband due to his parents seperation is not a balanced person.I mean he always favors his mother due to which I have suffered a lot.He never shares any important thing of his life with me,it s always his mum who he confides in which upsets me because I have never seen so much secrets between spouses..anyways I tried to change my husband but I couldnt and now I dont even want to .But now my concern is my child..my husband wants to please his mum by letting my baby stay with her most of the time.Initially he wanted to send my son alongwith his grandmother to India for early years for which I revolted but now he wants his mother to spend more time with my son.he wants me to join my job soon and leave my baby to his mother..I am not very strong person so I cannot revolt and argue everyday.Doing path from Gurbaani is my solution to all the problems.I just want Maharaj ji's kirpa on my son ,I want Maharaj ji to be with my son all the time ,to nurture his mind with good thoughts.

Can anyone tell me any shabads or paths from Gurbani which I should do when my baby is with me so that I dont have to worry for anything in the time when he is not with me.I love my child a lot and I want him to be raised as a gentleman.I dont want him to learn anything which is not rational like his father has learned.and above all I want him to love me also,I have been gripped with this sense of insecurity that he will not love me as he will stay with his grandmother for most of the time because his father never loved me in all these years of marriage due to his mother's influence..My husband's only motive remains his mother's importance in the house.I understand the reason behind this but these things have always effected me and my relation with my husband.

I hear the other side of the coin frequently. Young mothers who have been estranged from their own mothers and now lament the fact that they have to pay big bucks to get their child a baby sitter so they can go back to work. 

If the mother in law is not abusive, you should see it as cheap/free baby sitting. And your child having a strong bond with his grandma doesn't mean that he can't have a strong bond with you too. Be careful you don't let petty jealousy ruin your family situation. You talk about the kid's father (who is your husband btw!) being irrational and then go on in the next sentence to talk about your own irrational insecurities. 

I've noticed a lot of apneean start playing this strange game of: "Who does he love more, me or his momma?" when they get married. That's silly. 

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3 minutes ago, silverSingh said:

It is all to do with mega brainwashing one receives when young MS G! We have to be thankful for having parents on both sides!  It is because of them that we are here!  She should feel the same affection for his mother as she does for hers. I still can't believe you are only 74 MS G! Are you really?

74 going on 34, lol!

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It s not jealous or weong feelings before being judgemental one should try to atleast think of all possibilities.I have respect for my family members that is why I have become mother of my husband's child and my mother in laws grandchild but sometimes there are so many things going around that u become insecure..I wish to have an answer from someone who has experienced motherhood..how your mind is gripped with fears and insecurities once you have to leave your bundle of joy nd get back to work.anyways those who used harsh words should atleast think about it that I just asked for Gurbaani's help to get me out of insecurities so that I can give a positive environment to my child..i have been true to what I am feeling and the elders on this forum should make others understand things with love..one who is already undergoing tough time doesnt need such harsh words..I might be wrong and even if I am wrong I need someone to listen woth love and show me right path with love...Had this love and affection already at my home I wouldnt have to come to this forum...so people out there pl dont be judgemental about someone..those who come to this forum for seeking personal advice have probably tried every other solution to their problems...I am a very peace loving person and to avoid arguments and disputes I have never got courage to discuss my feelings wth my husband .but ai never knew that I am trying to avoid I will face here.

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6 hours ago, MisterrSingh said:

She needs to stop buying into the adversarial "Saas vs Nau" culture that's a staple of Punjabi life. As someone on the path of Gursikhi, surely she should be above such nonsense? God forbid a guy is close to his mother after having being deserted by his father when he was a child.

There is a case to be made of guys who are manipulated and controlled by an overbearing female presence (there are some truly horrific accounts of couples ripped apart by such women), but in this case the wife seems to be threatened by the mere fact that the husband isn't immediately bowing and scraping at her feet.

No wonder so many Singhs are turning their back on grishti, when this is the level of maturity out there when it comes to potential partners. If the mother is making life difficult for them both, then she needs a stern talking to. But if there's none of that, and the wife simply resents the closeness between mother and son, then that's just twisted.

I also find it quite ironic how she expressed her devotion for her baby, but resents that same level of intimacy between her husband and his mother. Very amusing.

Sir my son is not married to anyone ...who can take care of him...if you are not ready to let your son share his life with someone you should not marry your son then...it s all bcz of the things that I have been deprived of that sich feelings of insecurities came to my mind..and If his mother has the right to look after my son why my parents not have that right..is all the wisdom granted to boy's parents only?i just narrated a part of the story..the crux of my dillema was to ask for some path to become stronger mentally..but you people have assumed so many wrong things for me..

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14 hours ago, Guest guest said:

Sir my son is not married to anyone ...who can take care of him...if you are not ready to let your son share his life with someone you should not marry your son then...it s all bcz of the things that I have been deprived of that sich feelings of insecurities came to my mind..and If his mother has the right to look after my son why my parents not have that right..is all the wisdom granted to boy's parents only?i just narrated a part of the story..the crux of my dillema was to ask for some path to become stronger mentally..but you people have assumed so many wrong things for me.

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Talk to your husband and discuss these issues with him. It seems you have an irrational dislike for your husband's mother, and wish to sideline her in favour of your own parents. I'm guessing you would like to isolate her from her son rendering her powerless and your husband floundering making him easier to control (moreso considering she doesn't have a husband to physically and emotionally support her) whilst simultaneously "promoting" your parents to the role of primary grandparents, which you seem to think will provide you with an upper hand and greater leverage in family power plays. I think you'd like to enact your own sphere of control and dominance, and your husband's mother is the last obstacle inbetween such a policy coming to fruition. It is unfortunate your mind works in such ways; expending mental energy in worthless and imaginary battles that serve no purpose aside from creating discord and hurt feelings but I cannot say I'm surprised. It hasn't occured to you to show affection and emotional solidarity to your husband in order to convince him that he has a wife with whom he can share his burdens (yes, children are beget between people who can barely tolerate each other). Instead you've passively aggressively shown him that you resent the one person that's been a constant in his life since his childhood. Yet you wonder why this problem exists in the first place. 

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