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I feel like I am standing at crossroads of life. A burden on my heart haunts me ..


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From my posts here you probably know I struggled (and still do) with my orientation which puts me at odds with social orders and prevents me from living a normal life (marriage, kids,..) , something I always wanted to do. 

However, I also feel apprehensive of where I am now and the path I pick from here on, because whichever path I chose will land me at that destination. 

Not only I feel fearful but regretful as well.

I am right now 27 and it will be another 11 months before I turn 28. My parents every other day keep insisting I get married .  I told them I am gay 2 yrs back , I never felt any love for any woman, I am blind to what love to a woman even feels like because I have never felt it . How on earth then is it possible for someone in their right sense of mind to marry someone whom one doesn't love?!! but my parents went in denial.

and considering marriage is for lifetime . Before you accuse me of basing marriage on lust, like I was accused so in another thread, let me ask you "Would you marry , or expect any heterosexual to marry someone blindly, just for sake of reproducing? Do you call a young person lustful when they seek good partners for marriage ?"

ANYWAYS, my agenda is not of debate, its of seeking an answer to not just my orientation but something far more lasting and of larger consequences.

I feel pity on myself sometimes, and other times anger because I realize this sorrow too is my own earned, a fruit of some karma of past life. This forces me to be wary of what I do NOW and my soul warns me only to do good deeds , charitable, compassionate,...

And perhaps praying to guru sahib about this also won't make me magically heterosexual because karmas can't be exhausted until expended. So, I fear that I will have to live with it until the day I die . Will have to cry those tears as much as I made someone else cry, although now I remember it not.

Seeing the world and life for what it is , sometimes I have felt strongly to attempt to put an end to this "aava gavan" and seek liberation from cycle of life. In this life I am gay and miserable, what if all the charity of this lifetime give me birth as kid in some billionaire's mansion in another life. A life of luxury ! as exciting as it may seem, it still is a mirage ! because if this misery of today wouldn't last, neither will the riches of tomorrow !

No sukh or dukh is permanent, and yet here I cry . I wonder why we live a life of such contradictions. 

However this is part of my mind and thought process, which encourages I try to look beyond the current scenarios of sorrow and try to cross over this bhavsagar by taking amrit, doing nitnem, giving dasvand and living a dharmic life committed to guru ji and not dunia. 

 

My life might perhaps be blissful if there were no other part of my mind. However, there is another one as well, the one that tells me that it does take seriously the aforementioned raised spiritual concerns, but at the same time is fearful that it may lose the youth of 20's by being gyaani. So it tells me we can do sadhna and live a gursikhi lifestyle later , right now we can party (in a non-alcoholic, non-smoking, non-drug fashion) , enjoy sex and other joys this world has to offer, although tainted . Because what if I am in my 40s , look back and regret all I missed ?

I did went to a gay party last night, I didn't drink a drop of alcohol though, and the tobacco smoke was choking me . I hate smoking / alcohol and even meat, but I just went there to see things.

It tells me cut your hair (something I wanted to do since 10 yrs back but couldn't dare to do it till now) , make your body, go on dates , go places, enjoy life to a tee.

And we can return to guru sahib's sikhi , take amrit when we have crossed mid 30's .

 

I am literally torn in between these 2 voices in my mind. I don't know what should I do .

While others are partying in their 20s and are excited about marriage, I die everyday in my thoughts . :( The soul swan cries unto its lord for help , and sometimes finds temporary refuge and solace in baani of SGGS. 

 

EDIT :

I wanted to add that some 6-7 yrs back I slowly started sliding into agnosticism . However, In June 2015, miraculous intervention occured when I was seeking  job happlessly.

I heard a voice from my heart say "you do sewa of 11 sundays, u will be blessed with a job". And it happened ! I got a better job profile and a better paying one than I dreamed of and wanted ! I currently work at same place and I love it . Waheguru did save me before. In this case of sexuality too, he's my only hope. I hope he will save me miraculously again in terms of my sexual orientation. Other than him , I have no hope 

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Bro, I genuinely believe you should get some professional help. It seems you're torn between your mind's desires and an admirable sense of loyalty and affection for your faith. That's a dangerous combination. That kind of prolonged and incessant inner turmoil is unhealthy and dangerous. It's not doing you any favours. You've probably shaved off years from your life with the stress. How much more can you take?

There's no point in lashing out at mainstream Sikh society. Sure, it'll make you feel better for a while, exposing those entrenched hypocrisies and double standards that are rife in all people, but long-term it's not of any use in solving your problems.

I think you're afraid of any potential spiritual consequences for travelling down the path of fulfilling your homosexual urges. Equally, I also think you'd love to be "cured" of any such desires. It's a tough one. You seem to be in so much mental and emotional conflict. 

I'm not gay so I don't feel quite right about saying, "Stop being gay" regardless of whether homosexuality is learned behaviour or a genetic defect. Either way only you can choose what to do. As much as you'd like the best of both worlds, I don't think that's quite the best way, but I could be wrong.

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1 hour ago, MisterrSingh said:

Bro, I genuinely believe you should get some professional help. It seems you're torn between your mind's desires and an admirable sense of loyalty and affection for your faith. That's a dangerous combination. That kind of prolonged and incessant inner turmoil is unhealthy and dangerous. It's not doing you any favours. You've probably shaved off years from your life with the stress. How much more can you take?

There's no point in lashing out at mainstream Sikh society. Sure, it'll make you feel better for a while, exposing those entrenched hypocrisies and double standards that are rife in all people, but long-term it's not of any use in solving your problems.

I think you're afraid of any potential spiritual consequences for travelling down the path of fulfilling your homosexual urges. Equally, I also think you'd love to be "cured" of any such desires. It's a tough one. You seem to be in so much mental and emotional conflict. 

I'm not gay so I don't feel quite right about saying, "Stop being gay" regardless of whether homosexuality is learned behaviour or a genetic defect. Either way only you can choose what to do. As much as you'd like the best of both worlds, I don't think that's quite the best way, but I could be wrong.

I think you're spot on almost everything.

Professional help ? LGBT people mostly don't like religion, and religious people won't like LGBT. Where is common grounds where I can get professional help. 

A gay counsellor might tell me that my religion is bogus and I should just enjoy life , while an amritdhari gyaani will tell me to shake off those desires and warn me of how gay lust will ruin me spiritually . But aren't these 2 persons inside me now ! yes thats the intense emotional conflict 

I have begin to get forgetful lately. I can't focus on anything else , my will power is severly reduced. I fear ! 

Yes I have literally wasted my 20s in this :'( Thats the reason I went to gay party last night (invited by friend). Although the tobacco smoke suffocated me and I don't drink the depression was only that "What the hell am I gonna do rest of my mountain-like big life ahead of me? While rest of my peers get married and settle, am I to steer in life without supports ? What when mom and dad pass, considering I have no siblings".

Thinking about my future does give me shivers. Because its like staring into abyss . 

My life has become like a horror movie. And there seems no end to this. I curse myself what kind of bad karam I did to deserve this :/ I see no way of getting out of this 

 

 

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4 minutes ago, dallysingh101 said:

I feel for you bro. I don't have any answers to your dilemma myself, but I think there is a lot to be said for living day to day, when the future holds so much uncertainty. 

I can't "live day to day"  either . :/ 

my parents keep pressuring to marry me. I told them about me 2 yrs back. They went in denial. 

Waheguru has blessed me with a job I wanted. Since then, I have felt his presence with me. I have always felt he conspired things in my favor.

Whenever I feel sad, I talk to SGGS via 'ardas', and 'hukamnama' I get , I consider it as guru ji's answer.

Guru Sahib have mostly said he will take care of me and I will be happy. I have no idea how things are going to come in future.

I too want a family of my own. A kid I can hold . But who will marry their daughter to an impotent guy like me ?! 

And i can't marry a lesbian , considering most of them are not my type. Its really so tough . And i can't suicide either. 

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35 minutes ago, AjeetSinghPunjabi said:

Guru Sahib have mostly said he will take care of me and I will be happy. 

That's something to build on.

You've had a spiritual experience - I'm assuming - which has given you this insight. That's something regular religious people crave, and yet it never comes to most. If you believe God has extended his hand of support to you, then why do you run in the opposite direction? If you have an inkling of what He expects from you, then why spurn the opportunity?

If I thought you were capable I'd give you a 5 point plan of action that would go some way to solving most of your issues. The problem is, and this is not a joke, I don't think you're strong enough yet. You've not felt the kind of pain that would automatically re-order and re-prioritise your thoughts, your outlook on life, and your plans for the future, without the need for any third party to say a word to you in support. You're still straddling the line between hoping for a respectable and brighter future but also wanting to indulge yourself like your peers.

The parents and marriage angle is an added complication. On that front I suggest you not drag an innocent girl into matters. When she discovers your sexuality - and she will sooner or later; don't for a moment assume you'll be able to live a double life - things will get very messy. That's one thing I can recommend with certainty. 

For the record, if I was you, I'd walk away from everything. I'd become Gursikh, take a vow of celibacy (and that means ALL forms of saucy business), and dedicate my life to seva. Just don't expect any "rewards" or such things. A life of honour, respect, and self-sacrifice. You would need to put a leash on your wandering mind and prove to yourself that you're better than the majority of people who flap their gums about being "true" Sikhs. But I don't think you've reached that place where you've developed the mental toughness and determination to live out your days in that manner. It's not fair, but then life never is.

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Guest Jacfsing2

Vaheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Vaheguru Ji Ki Fateh! I can't understand what you are going through right now; however, you could adopt a kid and raise it as a single parent, there's many of them who need care and nuturing. Ultimately you need to decide soon whether to follow your Sikhi or to decide on homosexuality, (even though I wish you'd pick Guru Sahib, it's your decision), being conflicted will not help you mentally and will only hurt you in the end. (Your idea of delaying the battle will only ruin your jeevan regardless which path you choose, as, "ਗ੝ਨ ਗੋਬਿੰਦ ਗਾਇਓ ਨਹੀ ਜਨਮ੝ ਅਕਾਰਥ ਕੀਨ੝ ॥Gun gobind gĝio nahī janam akĝrath kīn. If you do not sing the Praises of the Lord, your life is rendered useless" (Dhan Dhan Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji Ang 1426).)  Gay conversion therapy doesn't work, so you can't unnaturally change your orientation unless your sexuality is fluid. Hopefully you can find your way. Vaheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Vaheguru Ji Ki Fateh!

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2 hours ago, Jacfsing2 said:

Vaheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Vaheguru Ji Ki Fateh! I can't understand what you are going through right now; however, you could adopt a kid and raise it as a single parent, there's many of them who need care and nuturing. Ultimately you need to decide soon whether to follow your Sikhi or to decide on homosexuality, (even though I wish you'd pick Guru Sahib, it's your decision), being conflicted will not help you mentally and will only hurt you in the end. (Your idea of delaying the battle will only ruin your jeevan regardless which path you choose, as, "ਗ੝ਨ ਗੋਬਿੰਦ ਗਾਇਓ ਨਹੀ ਜਨਮ੝ ਅਕਾਰਥ ਕੀਨ੝ ॥Gun gobind gĝio nahī janam akĝrath kīn. If you do not sing the Praises of the Lord, your life is rendered useless" (Dhan Dhan Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji Ang 1426).)  Gay conversion therapy doesn't work, so you can't unnaturally change your orientation unless your sexuality is fluid. Hopefully you can find your way. Vaheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Vaheguru Ji Ki Fateh!

Why must he choose between sikhi and homosexuality?

Genuine humble question ji

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54 minutes ago, S4NGH said:

Why must he choose between sikhi and homosexuality?

Genuine humble question ji

Homosexuality marriage is not accepted in Gurmat, neither is fornication and adultery, 

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