Jump to content

Unhappy marriage


Guest Jasbkaur
 Share

Recommended Posts

Guest Jasbkaur

Im a sikh girl i had an arranged marriage 9 months ago. My husband is horrible to me he has beaten me twice and gets drunk every friday causes problems swears at his parents and got drunk and crashed his car. He insults me and because i do paath in the bedroom i ask him not to bring alcohol up because i have gutka sahib in the room and he says stuff like i am the gutka just to mke me cross i am so unhappy he has been online dating sites and messaging other girls im so unhappy my parents force me to continue because if i leave people will talk i really feel sad and dont know what to do 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You have to decide. Would u rather be sad and beaten up your whole life or be talked about? And if u leave him, will u live with ur parents? And will ur parents support u or give u a hard time? 

If u have a job, then u should think about leaving. If u dont then u have to see what will happen if u leave. Will u be able to get remarried? Will u be able to live with your parents forever? 

So think about getting a job anyway, because if he is seeing other girls, he might divorce u. 

Also, if u cant leave him, then u can try to change him. Maybe calling the police on him when he beats u up will help? Get your own room for gutka sahib? Also do lots of sukhmani sahib de paath and do ardaas that guruji there is noone to help. My parents say i must endure this. His parents dont help. I have only you, please help.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, Guest Jasbkaur said:

Im a sikh girl i had an arranged marriage 9 months ago. My husband is horrible to me he has beaten me twice and gets drunk every friday causes problems swears at his parents and got drunk and crashed his car. He insults me and because i do paath in the bedroom i ask him not to bring alcohol up because i have gutka sahib in the room and he says stuff like i am the gutka just to mke me cross i am so unhappy he has been online dating sites and messaging other girls im so unhappy my parents force me to continue because if i leave people will talk i really feel sad and dont know what to do 

Penji Jasbkaur, I'm not sure if this will help but I've put it on for you. 

You can ask them for advice:

Alcohol and Beyond. 

 

Also do your ardas to Waheguru, as they are the one that will help. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest YourServant

VaheGuruJiKaKhalsa VaheGuruJiKiFateh

PhenJi, if you are based in the U.K it might be worth speaking to Sikh Awareness Society, as I'm sure they will have provided similar assistance in the past - http://www.sasorg.co.uk/

stay strong and close to your gutka sahib and if things get too difficult, it may be worth getting in touch with the police or a women's shelter.  My mum went through something similar in the 70's and she had to start on her own again, because of the warped punjabi family mentality, however we Sikhs of the Guru stick together and provide support when and where possible, so just ask.

VaheGuruJiKaKhalsa VaheGuruJiKiFateh

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Jasbkaur

Thank you all for your help and support my parents have said if I walk away then that is it i am on my own as in sikhi there is no divorce. I do work but i cannot afford my own place. He got caught drunk driving in an accident luckily he only drove into a wall and is on a tag. I am scared that people will look down on me and i will be ostracised as my dad is well known and part of the gurdwara committee. Can i be a good sikh and leave.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If your dad is in the committee then they should found you someone who does not drink! Go visit your parents and then refuse to go back to your husband.  Meanwhile look for a means to become independent.  Job with accommodation,work on a cruise ship, work as a nanny with accommodation offered. Else find another partner. ... so at least you are not left on your own... all this before you get a kid. 

Your parents made this mistake. .. why should you have to pay for it? Contact the organisations as well for support. Be careful not to be caught though planning to leave.  

What did your parents see in this guy?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Penji.

Put your degree at work and just leave him. I am suprised he did not get into jail for drunk driving endangering innocent peoples lives. 

Let me tell you something, you may not like to live with him but he does not want to be in his situation right now either based on my experience when I got arranged married by force. According to what you wrote he is texting other girls which means he maybe did not choose to get married either. And he is using alcoholism to deal with his issues. When he will not use the guru as an anchor to deal with his issues, did your parents even marry you off to a sikh? 

Your parents say that in sikhism there is no divorce. Well alot of people these days can not make a difference between anand karaj and marriage in sikhism. 

Quote

The Anand Karaj is conducted in the presence of the Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji and it is a sacred ceremony that binds a man and woman in a spiritual union; the spouse is a companion and life partner with whom to tread the divine path of Sikhi.

The bond between those blessed couples grows so strong by His Grace that they become One Light (Soul) in two bodies. According to Sikh philosophy within the heart there are two souls, the Atma (Bride) and the Param-atma (The Groom); the atma is a fragmented portion of the Param-atma, liken to the finger and the finger-nail, it is One. Our Goal is to embrace face to face with Waheguru in Sachkand, the Bride and Groom as One. Marriage is both a social and religious occasion. Nowadays it seems that allowing the couple to choose each other irrespective of caste and other demands placed by both families should be the way forward...

https://www.sikhnet.com/news/anand-karaj-and-lavan

There are other good sources like basics of sikhi and Jagraj talk on "modern" anand karaj etc.

Speaking of divorce.

Quote
  1. Is divorce allowed as per the tenets of Sikhism? No, but this implies that the couple is really married. "They are not said to be husband and wife, who merely sit together. Rather they alone are called husband and wife, who have one soul in two bodies." (Guru Amar Das, Pauri, ANG 788) If it is a true marriage in which both partners are completely blended into one, then work it out together. Merely going through a ceremony does not make you married! You must live it or it is not real.

  2. If yes, then what is the exact procedure?. At the time of marriage, both bride and the groom promises before Guru Granth Sahib Ji Maharaj that they would spend their life together but if the couple decides to quit then how exactly do the Sikh couple take permission from the Guru Ji? It is not adultery that breaks the marriage. It is the loss of trust. There is always a way through, the question is, "do you want to do the work necessary to make it through?" If not, then why do you think a second marriage will be any more successful? Marriage takes a lot of work, communication, compromise, shared spiritual life and a constant building of trust. Under extreme circumstances (constant emotional or physical abuse) Guru Ji understands that the karma is being paid and that the marriage may need to end. Under extreme circumstances you seek help.

  3. As per the tenets of Sikhism, if a Sikh after taking divorce decides to go for the second marriage then what are the procedures he/she has to go through before Guru Ji? Sometimes a marriage turns out to be what I call a "karmic marriage." i.e., karma got paid through the pain of a relationship that never became a true marriage. In this case, divorce and an honest talk with the panj piyare and the reaching of a common understanding comes next. Remarriage is a chance to create a true marriage now that the karmas have been paid. If you can understand and live the Lavan then you have a chance at this.

http://answers.sikhnet.com/question/9892/sikhism-on-divorce-and-re-marriage/

Your case is a clearly a karmic marriage as referred to the 3rd question. 

VJKK VJKF

Link to comment
Share on other sites

15 hours ago, Guest Jasbkaur said:

Thank you all for your help and support my parents have said if I walk away then that is it i am on my own as in sikhi there is no divorce. I do work but i cannot afford my own place. He got caught drunk driving in an accident luckily he only drove into a wall and is on a tag. I am scared that people will look down on me and i will be ostracised as my dad is well known and part of the gurdwara committee. Can i be a good sikh and leave.

I haven't seen anything that says Sikhs should be punching bags for their partners. 

Also, as other people have alluded to: This guy appears to have unresolved psychological issues which are becoming manifest through his behaviour. He sounds like he had a lot of issues before you ever came on the scene.

If you are going to leave, my advice is to make sure you have fall back money and are mentally prepared for it. It sounds like you will have at least a period of estrangement from your own family too. This will be tough, especially if you've grown up close to them - and you'll need to be tough too. Make sure you have a tried and tested support network available to you before you make any big move. One or two close people to rely on - preferrably family. Resist any temptation to blab about your personal situation to unnecessary people because, frankly speaking, from what I've seen, an obviously vulnerable hurt woman seems to draw predator types towards her, who will prey on this for their own agenda. 

And I know this may seem opportunistic, but I'm not going to miss this opportunity to share another thought with the brothers and sisters here - it's a DAMN shame how certain types of parents are more concerned about their social status and reputation than the welfare of their daughters/children. This isn't uncommon with the most 'respectable' members of our society. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share


  • advertisement_alt
  • advertisement_alt
  • advertisement_alt


  • Topics

  • Posts

    • yeh it's true, we shouldn't be lazy and need to learn jhatka shikaar. It doesn't help some of grew up in surrounding areas like Slough and Southall where everyone thought it was super bad for amrit dharis to eat meat, and they were following Sant babas and jathas, and instead the Singhs should have been normalising jhatka just like the recent world war soldiers did. We are trying to rectifiy this and khalsa should learn jhatka.  But I am just writing about bhog for those that are still learning rehit. As I explained, there are all these negative influences in the panth that talk against rehit, but this shouldn't deter us from taking khanda pahul, no matter what level of rehit we are!
    • How is it going to help? The link is of a Sikh hunter. Fine, but what good does that do the lazy Sikh who ate khulla maas in a restaurant? By the way, for the OP, yes, it's against rehit to eat khulla maas.
    • Yeah, Sikhs should do bhog of food they eat. But the point of bhog is to only do bhog of food which is fit to be presented to Maharaj. It's not maryada to do bhog of khulla maas and pretend it's OK to eat. It's not. Come on, bro, you should know better than to bring this Sakhi into it. Is this Sikh in the restaurant accompanied by Guru Gobind Singh ji? Is he fighting a dharam yudh? Or is he merely filling his belly with the nearest restaurant?  Please don't make a mockery of our puratan Singhs' sacrifices by comparing them to lazy Sikhs who eat khulla maas.
    • Seriously?? The Dhadi is trying to be cute. For those who didn't get it, he said: "Some say Maharaj killed bakras (goats). Some say he cut the heads of the Panj Piyaras. The truth is that they weren't goats. It was she-goats (ਬਕਰੀਆਂ). He jhatka'd she-goats. Not he-goats." Wow. This is possibly the stupidest thing I've ever heard in relation to Sikhi.
    • Instead of a 9 inch or larger kirpan, take a smaller kirpan and put it (without gatra) inside your smaller turban and tie the turban tightly. This keeps a kirpan on your person without interfering with the massage or alarming the masseuse. I'm not talking about a trinket but rather an actual small kirpan that fits in a sheath (you'll have to search to find one). As for ahem, "problems", you could get a male masseuse. I don't know where you are, but in most places there are professional masseuses who actually know what they are doing and can really relieve your muscle pains.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use