Guest Baljit kaur

I Married a saint or what?

76 posts in this topic

I am posting this about my husband to get some suggestions from married people.

i am from punjab and married to a gursikh boy about 9 mnths ago. It was fully arrange marriage but i am still trying to understand what his nature is.

he is jalandhar born but permanent resident of canada, i also came here 5mnths ago.here now.

first when we got engaged, he didn't show much interest talking to me. He used to call me twice a week about 10-15 mins each. Now after marriage it seems like he never had interest in marriage life, much of the time he is busy with simran and gurbani. I am also a gursikh, do nitnem daily and i know sikhism but he is way too much devoted and have no time for me.

he is very kind hearted and respectful husband, but i always wanted a normal life not marrying a saint or yogi. 

He dont read newspapers, facebook or any movie, but some of our mutual friends who studied with him in college, told me that there is no technical topic he is not aware of. He knows all science and technology. He dnt talk on phone with friends al the time but when i see him on phone wih my inlaws dad,mom and inlaws bro sis, most of the time he is talking about god or related stuff.

he also dont talk too much with me, rather he listens to what i talk.he don't pretend he is listening, but listening in real. Sometimes  at random he says, "dekhla rabb kinna beantt hai, kann kann vich vasda" .

Whatever i cook, he eats with equal interest, 9 mnths our marriage and he never complained about food, he dont care about clothe brands, all he want very clean clothes, he never argue nor he refuses what i say, if i ask for a movie he is always ready for keep doing simran in cinema nd barely look at screen.he gets very early in morning about 1am and busy doing simran till 6 nd then go for job, no songs or movies , listening to akaal ustat all the time. I want a normal gursikh type person, night time first he charge his phone to 100 percent and then put it near his head with slow volume akaal ustat on repeat till he gets up. We do have husband wife relations 2 or 3 times a week. He remains silent most of the time and when he comes if tv is on and i am watching, neither he sits with me nor turn off the tv, he goes to other room and i find him meditating when i go. He does a lots lots of abhiyaas but trying to hide from people and me. Sometimes he recites moolmantar while in deep sleep few times and then again sleep. If he got some injury or a small cut for example, he feels no pain, no signs of tensions on face, if i get sick he takes good care of me but dnt get disturbed his wife is sick. Now with gods grace i am pregnant and he is not happy like other people are happy, he just said its good,take good care and be carefull all the time .let me know if u get any small problem. It seems to me that he likes nothing, he loves nothing, interested in nothing,argue with nothing. He owns a small business, never bother about money. Go to work at 8 nd back to home at 4, then. Gurudwara and sleep early and getup 1am. Thats not a normal marriage life. Sometimes when i sit near him, i feel more of a yogi then a normal husband in him. If he lost something,  money for example, he says, its ok it was HIS will. We are going for a movie at evening and he gave life to someonton road while it was only time to be with him on Sunday.when he is outside he always try to hide his nitnem and other stuff, for example sometimes he send more than one third of money to poors,nd tells me, i have no problem but thats too much, we have to make our own house also. We are renting an apartment now. But if someone ask him for charity then to hide he always do daan as a kanjoos person.

i have no problem with him at all, he is very gud but i want a normal married life like all other gursikh girls.i am not unhappy with him but i am not happy in other way.

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It's difficult penji, when there is no communication between couples, but the good thing is, as he's doing so much simran, being in his presence will also have a positive effect on you. 

He's trying to stay in Hukam, he's not interested in worldly materialistic things, which is also good in a way. But you probably feel he doesn't love you or care enough, as a husband and wife couple. 

It's good he's not on Facebook lol, because you just spend ages on it and time gets wasted without realising. 

Sounds like this is the way he is, and to change somebody is very difficult. At least he does not argue and is not fussy. Seems to be a lot of positive points about him. 

Maybe that's just his personality and the way he is, doesn't show too much emotions. 

Dont really know what to say on this, but try talking to him and tell him exactly how you feel, and also have a look at it there is something that you maybe lacking in qualities too, I say this without offence to you, so please don't take it the wrong way. 

It's a very difficult job being a wife also, so you need to balance and deal with many issues and adjusting to a marriage. The first two years, it takes around that long to get know somebody properly, when living with them. 

Dont lose hope, turn the negatives into positives and turn to Waheguru for help. 

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This is real bhakti.

By Wahiguru´s grace, we are being witness, that real bhagats do exist even now. It is His apaar kirpa. He is a real gem, take care of him Pen Jee.

We all have devotion more or less "kachee", but the fact is, when one loves so much Wahiguru, all else becomes secondary to His lovers.

Pray Wahiguru to keep you in his company as much as possible, as being in the company of such elevated gurmukhs, even stones(we the rest of the world) can get ferried away.

The difference between these bhagats and the rest of us, is something to do with awareness. While they understand the value of life and thus dedictae as much as possible to Him, we, are much under the pressure of maya, thus our awareness is dull.

Of course we can reverse this lack of awareness, but for that we have to pay a price, which is: oothaat baheethat sowat jaagat, ehey man Naam simray...

Frankly speaking, I am so happy to read what you have written, as it is an inspiration to do more and more bhakti , and trust Him in the true sense.

Sat Sree Akal.

Edited by harsharan000
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11 hours ago, Guest Baljit kaur said:

I am posting this about my husband to get some suggestions from married people.

i am from punjab and married to a gursikh boy about 9 mnths ago. It was fully arrange marriage but i am still trying to understand what his nature is.

he is jalandhar born but permanent resident of canada, i also came here 5mnths ago.here now.

first when we got engaged, he didn't show much interest talking to me. He used to call me twice a week about 10-15 mins each. Now after marriage it seems like he never had interest in marriage life, much of the time he is busy with simran and gurbani. I am also a gursikh, do nitnem daily and i know sikhism but he is way too much devoted and have no time for me.

he is very kind hearted and respectful husband, but i always wanted a normal life not marrying a saint or yogi. 

He dont read newspapers, facebook or any movie, but some of our mutual friends who studied with him in college, told me that there is no technical topic he is not aware of. He knows all science and technology. He dnt talk on phone with friends al the time but when i see him on phone wih my inlaws dad,mom and inlaws bro sis, most of the time he is talking about god or related stuff.

he also dont talk too much with me, rather he listens to what i talk.he don't pretend he is listening, but listening in real. Sometimes  at random he says, "dekhla rabb kinna beantt hai, kann kann vich vasda" .

Whatever i cook, he eats with equal interest, 9 mnths our marriage and he never complained about food, he dont care about clothe brands, all he want very clean clothes, he never argue nor he refuses what i say, if i ask for a movie he is always ready for keep doing simran in cinema nd barely look at screen.he gets very early in morning about 1am and busy doing simran till 6 nd then go for job, no songs or movies , listening to akaal ustat all the time. I want a normal gursikh type person, night time first he charge his phone to 100 percent and then put it near his head with slow volume akaal ustat on repeat till he gets up. We do have husband wife relations 2 or 3 times a week. He remains silent most of the time and when he comes if tv is on and i am watching, neither he sits with me nor turn off the tv, he goes to other room and i find him meditating when i go. He does a lots lots of abhiyaas but trying to hide from people and me. Sometimes he recites moolmantar while in deep sleep few times and then again sleep. If he got some injury or a small cut for example, he feels no pain, no signs of tensions on face, if i get sick he takes good care of me but dnt get disturbed his wife is sick. Now with gods grace i am pregnant and he is not happy like other people are happy, he just said its good,take good care and be carefull all the time .let me know if u get any small problem. It seems to me that he likes nothing, he loves nothing, interested in nothing,argue with nothing. He owns a small business, never bother about money. Go to work at 8 nd back to home at 4, then. Gurudwara and sleep early and getup 1am. Thats not a normal marriage life. Sometimes when i sit near him, i feel more of a yogi then a normal husband in him. If he lost something,  money for example, he says, its ok it was HIS will. We are going for a movie at evening and he gave life to someonton road while it was only time to be with him on Sunday.when he is outside he always try to hide his nitnem and other stuff, for example sometimes he send more than one third of money to poors,nd tells me, i have no problem but thats too much, we have to make our own house also. We are renting an apartment now. But if someone ask him for charity then to hide he always do daan as a kanjoos person.

i have no problem with him at all, he is very gud but i want a normal married life like all other gursikh girls.i am not unhappy with him but i am not happy in other way.

Bhain ji ,

as I read your complaints (?) it makes me smile because the rest of the world complains that their husbands are too involved in fashion, social life, drinking , arguing etc . the grass is definitely not greener on the other side , you are lucky that your husband is hard working, dayavaan and caring . No one lives a bollywood romantic fantasy marriage ... there are ups and downs   it's normal . Maybe you can get closer to him if you do your nitnem together or listening to akal ustat together for your baby's benefit ... I am sure he will be caring towards both of you ...

Please do not think he is uncaring it is just his expression is different from most .Stay in Chardikala

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Wow, i find him and absolute inspiration, to be honest he is what I would class as a real gursikh. 

I dont think the way he is is the problem, the problem is your compatibility. You need to tell him how you feel.

Things like movies and facebook doesnt matter, my gosh most wives hate how their husbands are always watching football etc. My husband also doesnt use social media, i think it's a good thing and i'm glad. Also things like not feeling pain or how he reflects on everything as its upto God cannot be changed

However,

Maybe you could introduce half an hour every day where he has to try to be like most of society, talk to you about the things you want to talk about, be engrossed in you. You will need him to be back down to earth when the baby arrives, you can't be the only one dealing with all the challenges, highs and lows parenting bring.

One of my uncles is like this and his kids resent him for it because he never pushed them at school or for careers, never took enough interest in developing them, only in sikhi.... Its a tough one, you need a balance when having a baby especially. You have to speak about it, have you spoken?

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You're looking a gift horse in the mouth. Some would say you have "maari kismat."

Edited by MisterrSingh
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Vaheguru, this is an ideal person for sure; as Daas was reading your complaints there didn't seem to be much actually negative about the guy; you may think he doesn't love you, but his love towards Vaheguru proves otherwise, as when someone is in Prem with Vaheguru; they love everything, but never attached. If every person was like the diamond you get to call husband; we would all live in a better world.

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The aim of this life is to get mukti so you are very lucky that you have someone who can guide you and is kind to you.

What else would you ever have asked for ?

It is natural to feel that you are not getting enough attention. This is because men and women communicate differently. There is no guarantee that if he was different, you would feel you have a normal life. 

It is your mindset which you have to change and accept and adjust accordingly. Be thankful for the kind of person you have got. Many suffer much worse things in married life with no one to even ask them how they feel especially when they are ill. 

You are very lucky, so be thankful for all you have. There is no sukh in worldly things. 

 

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I wish i could have be like your husband. It may seem like he has a boring life but Saints have real fun the rest of us just suffer. Everything that someone needs to enjoy themselves comes from within by reading Sri Gurbani Jee and Doing Naam Japna... Believe when i say that Saints have more fun than us it cant be achieved from watching tv, movies, internet or newspapers. Those things fog up our consciousness.

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I think u got a very good deal. You have an easygoing husband who does not interfere with ur life. And the attention and affection u want, u will get it from ur child. I think u shud also get a job, so u r not so bored and can make other friends so u can have fun n go to theater with other ladies. Try to make friends at gurudwara too, so u can maybe go to their house. Also if he doesnt talk, u try talking to him. Tell him how lonely u feel n that u r bored. Also say humbly that i am not at the level u r at, i am at a lower stage, please explain sikhi to me. And then if u get bored say so, say sorry my mind has already heard this and gets bored. Please forgive me and lets talk about other things or say instead of explaining, show me something amazing. 

You can also try to improve ur own sikhi as well. Start meditating with him. Then ask real questions. Also u r about to be a mother so u need to start doing alot of extra bani and simran. Sant sundar singhs mom used to do two nitnems. One for her and one for the child in her womb. 

Also go to the park and exercise. It will make u happier. Also tell ur husband that u would like to take care of the money. That way u can save some for a house.also learn how to cook canadian food like cakes without eggs,veggie burgers, pasta. 

Also i think u should learn more about sikhi. Ppl from india dont know much usually. They think doing nitnem is enough. They dont know why they r doing nitnem. So please read bhai veer singh jis books on vidhia.com. Or listen to pyare jio by bhai veer singh on youtube. 

And u can ask ur husband, how he got to this stage. How he became interested in sikhi and naam simran. this will give u something to talk about with him. If u could post about his life and his journey to God on here, it will be great. We will learn alot

There r really good movies made by vismaad called Sundri, Bhai Taru Singh etc. You should buy them online or from panjabi stores or from nagarkirtans. They r really good movies and even ur husband wont mind watching them with you. He might even like them.

U should learn to drive so u can go to places like movies without ur husband. And u could go to gurudwara or u could make ur husband take u there. There u can have fun gossiping, doing langar sewa, and talking to ppl.

 

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Thanks for the kind replies 

yes i used to work at timhortans supervisor but he never forced me to work,now he told me to rest at home. He never asked how much money and salary i got. Yes he taught me car and i can drive alone.

 

i am not complaining about him, there is no negative point in him but as a wife i want him to love me more than other people. I feel he loves everyone equally, no matter i am his wife or his mom or dad, even unlnown people are lovely to him i think. There is no extra attentions for me. I cant explain his behaviour exactly. He cares a lot. If i am sick and tell him,he cares full, ask me for meds on time, help me in cooking,kepp telling me to eat raw veggies but doing all this he is just kind of tension free, if i am well again he is not happy or i think even if i get more sick ,he will take more care but he willnot be sad i am sure.

 

Yes i keep asking many many questions about sikhi, he gave me answers no that kathawachaks tells. He said sant Rara Sahib Ishar singh was a true saint and I wanted to be with in their jatha. But I born about 10 yrs after sant ji. He listens to their deewans and bachans all the time.

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Why don't you join him? Do paath together.  Do seva together.  Discuss Shabad and maybe you will be able to understand and then experience what he is experiencing.

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Consider yourself extremely lucky to be married to him.  I'll tell u what a "normal" married life is like.  Husband is busy chatting up girls on the net, doesn't tell u where he is, is busy with "friends", busy drinking, busy eating loads of steaks that stink up the whole house, busy complaining about you to his parents, extremely emotional, has anger management issues, spending time at the club, is a workaholic that has no time for you or kids, constantly complaining about money and I could go on and on.  You did something good in your past life to be married to a guy like him...just don't screw it up. 

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Vaheguru ji ka khalsa Vaheguru ji ki fateh. 

When or if you get to his stage everything changes. Nothing is equal to that anand. He has searched internally you are looking from the outside.

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8 hours ago, Guest Baljit kaur said:

Thanks for the kind replies 

yes i used to work at timhortans supervisor but he never forced me to work,now he told me to rest at home. He never asked how much money and salary i got. Yes he taught me car and i can drive alone.

 

i am not complaining about him, there is no negative point in him but as a wife i want him to love me more than other people. I feel he loves everyone equally, no matter i am his wife or his mom or dad, even unlnown people are lovely to him i think. There is no extra attentions for me. I cant explain his behaviour exactly. He cares a lot. If i am sick and tell him,he cares full, ask me for meds on time, help me in cooking,kepp telling me to eat raw veggies but doing all this he is just kind of tension free, if i am well again he is not happy or i think even if i get more sick ,he will take more care but he willnot be sad i am sure.

 

Yes i keep asking many many questions about sikhi, he gave me answers no that kathawachaks tells. He said sant Rara Sahib Ishar singh was a true saint and I wanted to be with in their jatha. But I born about 10 yrs after sant ji. He listens to their deewans and bachans all the time.

Sometimes we don't know what we want, which is why we are in deep confusion. Once in a while we get someone we NEED, and we wonder why we have it, your marriage to him has been Hukam from Vaheguru, Vaheguru felt it was order for both of you to get married so it happened. The question is what more do you want from someone? He doesn't judge you on how wealthy you are, he doesn't judge you whether you rest or work, he takes time out of his day to teach you driving, he loves you accordingly, (even without Moh), he takes care of you, he despite being tired makes food for you, and ultimately he cares about your spiritual growth. Your husband is the ideal, not some Hollywood/Bollywood nonsense, the ONLY one who could be better is the Vaheguru himself.

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15 hours ago, Guest Femaleboss said:

However,

Maybe you could introduce half an hour every day where he has to try to be like most of society, talk to you about the things you want to talk about, be engrossed in you. You will need him to be back down to earth when the baby arrives, you can't be the only one dealing with all the challenges, highs and lows parenting bring.

One of my uncles is like this and his kids resent him for it because he never pushed them at school or for careers, never took enough interest in developing them, only in sikhi.... Its a tough one, you need a balance when having a baby especially. You have to speak about it, have you spoken?

The price for attempting to change a Mahapurukh would be so high, it's not worth it. Exactly what is great about any society West or East, that would surpass Gurmat? When one parent is obsessed with their significant other, it just takes time away from everyone, he might probably be a legendary parent for his kids because he doesn't spoil people or put them on special pedestals. Daas's grandfather was somewhat like O.P.'s husband, (engrossed in doing Gurbani, and Naam), and nobody seemed to be making complaints about him, other than he doesn't talk much.

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10 minutes ago, Jacfsing2 said:

The price for attempting to change a Mahapurukh would be so high, it's not worth it. Exactly what is great about any society West or East, that would surpass Gurmat? When one parent is obsessed with their significant other, it just takes time away from everyone, he might probably be a legendary parent for his kids because he doesn't spoil people or put them on special pedestals. Daas's grandfather was somewhat like O.P.'s husband, (engrossed in doing Gurbani, and Naam), and nobody seemed to be making complaints about him, other than he doesn't talk much.

difference was I guess he wasn't being compared to some worldly ideal ...love's other name is acceptance , maybe bhainji needs to love him in gurmukh sense too

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Amazing, if I saw your husband bhenjee, I'd touch his feet!!! Dhan GurSikh! You are so lucky to have sangat of such a person.

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Bheinji normally Bibi's are busy chatting with their sisters, mom, cousins, aunts, friends, neighbors etc

They don't have time to think about this sort of stuff.

Problem in marrying abroad is you don't get this support group which is available at home.

Don't know how things work in your community but most Bibi's call their parents so that they can help during pregnancy & delivery.

In older times Bibi's were send to PEKE so that they are comfortable and taken care of at the time of delivery.

This might give you and your husband a Break !

 

Edited by singhbj singh
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46 minutes ago, Jacfsing2 said:

What's Peke?

pe old word for Dad ke  meaning that belongs to i.e. going back home to Mom and Dad's

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He sounds pretty cool lol

If you're gursikh Shouldn't you be happy he has so much faith?

 If you feel like he's not experiencing life enough and not having enough fun, then try and encourage him to go out with you more to dinners, theatres, exploring cities and travelling etc. part of being alive is discovering and enjoying his creation in life and enjoying life. 

 

Tell him him he can enjoy his life while still having and keeping his faith and that in fact, that's the best way to enjoy life.

 

 

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From reading your second post, your husband seems to take care of you and respect you a lot, and your problem is that he loves everyone equally? You've had too much of a simple and easy life, you have no idea what REAL problems are. You should be grateful. You are a sikh, so shouldn't your goal be to be with Vaheguru? How many times are you planning to come back into this world and marry another guy that you are hoping he'll love you like no other? lol That's Vaheguru- no one can match up that perfection. I can't believe the problems you have listed about your husband is that he doesn't use FACEBOOK!?- I am done with this. *walks out*

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