Mentally abused since childhood

[Guest Reet]

Hello and sat sri akal 

please help me understand what's the norm in Sikh families. My father is the most irresponsible person I know. He's never contributed our little family as we (me and my brother) were growing up. I was 'forced' to be a good student. And we aren't talking 'normal' parental pressure. I remember being beaten up by my father when I was 7 or 8 coz I didn't come 'first' in a school exam. This was in India. I remember my mother screaming and yelling at him & wishing she never gave birth to me as she constantly witnessed my father beating me up. I still (at the age of 25) have scars on my knees from when he pushed me on the floor. He's not physically abusive now. I have faced gender discrimination at every step in my family. My father assisted my brother to cheat in high school exams (Punjab school education board- anything's possible). On the other hand, I was put in a more rigorous school board and expected to excel. I did but became severely depressed (and suicidal) by the time school ended. 

My mother realized I needed medical help. My father opposed it as he didn't want his daughter to be declared "paagal". After all, every psychiatric patient is "paagal" regardless of their diagnosis. My mother was continuously taunted & verbally abused by my father while she took me to the doctors. 

After a few years,  we moved to US to pursue the American dream. My father wanted me to become a doctor but when he realized we couldn't afford my education, he backed off. I went to a community college and completed a small degree with my own money (working part time). All this time, I saw my father contributing next to nothing as usual. My mother is a very calm person & when I ask her how she can bear his abuse for this long- she replies that atleast she has a husband to show the 'society'. I recently decided not to take his nonsense anymore and tolerate none of his verbal abuse. He has a short temper and blasts anyone and at any time (without a reason). Due to lack of health insurance, my depression is back. And it's ten fold now. I am unable to work & suicidal. But my father has no effect. When he blasts me, I seriously consider suicide. I have shared this with my mother and she asked me to "just ignore him". But I have learnt in my education that tolerating abuse is a crime too. So why should I?  My mother has never stood up against him and she expects me to do the same. I on the other hand, want my father to have a taste of his own medicine. So this evening, I ask you what are your views (especially Sikh views) on my situation? Should I fight against him and not bear what he says? Or should I be quiet, "like a good sikh woman" (according to my mother) and bear his brunt- like I always have. What would you do if your sister was being treated like this in her family? 

[sikhni777]

We all look for answers as to why what happened to us, happened to us in the first place. It is wrong for parents to treat their children unjustly - even God gives them punishment for this. 

Everyone who comes to this world will go through some pain at one time or another. Therefore - our main aim is to purify ourselves and our karams so that we can escape the cycle of birth and death. Starting your day with Japji sahib.... for a start will help you to settle down into your own self and accept all what has happened. 

This line from SGGS Ang 420 tells us that it is the mind who remembers God, which will flourish. When we forget God then we end up in lots of suffering both mental and physical. 

ਸਚਾ ਸਾਹਿਬੁ ਮਨਿ ਵਸੈ ਵਸਿਆ ਮਨਿ ਸੋਈ ॥   When the True Lord dwells in the mind, that mind flourishes.

 

If you had been born in a normal (well lets say the best Sikh family) then you would be taught how to do path, kirtan, would have respect for your dad ( because he would have supported you through your struggles and not physically abused you). Your mum would have talked to you and explained to you that you need to do as much simran as possible to sort your future life out. 

You would have a different outlook to life - which means you would have had enough money for you to finish your education and you would be having a better job. Any way that is all hypothetical. The perfect life does not exist for anyone. you may be born in a perfect home and not be able to have education for other reasons like you fall sick, or you loose your parents or any other disaster. 

Therefore, as a Sikh you learn to accept what God has written for you in this life. If it is suffering, then you go through it with patience. If it is joy - then you still remember God. The bottom line being that you remember God as much as you can. Listen to as much katha and kirtan and your outlook to life will change. One day you will look back and say - Guru Ji lifted me out of my sorrows and dirt and made me into what I am today. 

ਤੂੰ ਗੁਰੁ ਪਿਤਾ ਤੂੰਹੈ ਗੁਰੁ ਮਾਤਾ ਤੂੰ ਗੁਰੁ ਬੰਧਪੁ ਮੇਰਾ ਸਖਾ ਸਖਾਇ ॥੩॥   O Guru, You are my father. O Guru, You are my mother. O Guru, You are my relative, companion and friend. ||3||

ਜੋ ਹਮਰੀ ਬਿਧਿ ਹੋਤੀ ਮੇਰੇ ਸਤਿਗੁਰਾ ਸਾ ਬਿਧਿ ਤੁਮ ਹਰਿ ਜਾਣਹੁ ਆਪੇ ॥   My condition, O my True Guru - that condition, O Lord, is known only to You.

ਹਮ ਰੁਲਤੇ ਫਿਰਤੇ ਕੋਈ ਬਾਤ ਨ ਪੂਛਤਾ ਗੁਰ ਸਤਿਗੁਰ ਸੰਗਿ ਕੀਰੇ ਹਮ ਥਾਪੇ ॥   I was rolling around in the dirt, and no one cared for me at all. In the Company of the Guru, the True Guru, I, the worm, have been raised up and exalted.

ਧੰਨੁ ਧੰਨੁ ਗੁਰੂ ਨਾਨਕ ਜਨ ਕੇਰਾ ਜਿਤੁ ਮਿਲਿਐ ਚੂਕੇ ਸਭਿ ਸੋਗ ਸੰਤਾਪੇ ॥੪॥੫॥੧੧॥੪੯॥   Blessed, blessed is the Guru of servant Nanak; meeting Him, all my sorrows and troubles have come to an end. ||4||5||11||49||

[Guest never_perfect]

I'm a guy in UK. I have one toddler and I am expecting my 2nd. My father still mentally abuses me, and shouts at myself and my mother. He used to beat me when I was younger, and was always shouting at  me and sometimes hitting me on the car to school. I don't really have suicidal thoughts, well perhaps sometimes. But mainly I have thoughts about running away from home and leaving all my family, well sometimes.

[Guest Femaleboss]

Can you not move out now? U live in america, which is similar to UK, and people generally move out to different cities for work uni etc maybe you should to get some peace? Join the gym for some stress relief, try fitness and yoga classes and end it with a sauna steam and jacuzzi session? 

Personally i can't understand being tormented so much by a parent at this age, i'm married but if i didn't meet my husband when i did i would have moved to out prob to london got a job and lived there (my dads not bad but i just would have because i feel you get to a age when you arent a kid anymore)

[Not2Cool2Argue]

It is a crime to let abuse continue. So u need to put a.stop.to it.

But arguing, dighting back will.not work, i think. It will just create greater tension in. The household and more fights with ur poor mom probably caught in the middle. Please dont blame ur mom. She had no options. I admire her she did so.much under the circumstances. In india she could not leave ur dad cuz she had no way to support herself. So if she left ur dad, she would be a burden on her parents and she could not support her children. Still she stood up against him and took u to doctors. But u do have options. U r in the UK and can support urself. So set a goal.  That u will not tolerate abuse. So u can try fighting back but i dont think it will work. So wat u have to do is get a job and start saving so that u can move out. And then convince ur mom to move out as well. That will really serve ir dad right. When he is all alone and has noone to vent his abuse on. Also take ur brother with u, if u can. But be careful, lots of time biys learn how to be abusive and controlling from their dad. So see if ur bro is turning into ur dad or not. If he is, leave him.

So even if ir depressed, try. I know it will be hard, but try. U have a goal to get out of this abuse and to get ir mom and bro out too. Also to make enough money to pay for depression meds. So start working with these goals in mind. Also do paath, there is bani that helps.with kalesh in the house. Read Gauri M:5 Thir ghar baiso shabad and aukhi ghari na dekhan dei. Also do japji sahib and sukhmani sahib if possible. Most importantly tho, pray, beg, guruji to help u. To help u get out of this abuse. Cry to god and he will listen.

[Akalifauj]

You should do paath where you can focus on the paath you are reading.  Make an honest living and do seva.  Sometimes too much time is wasted on what bad times we are going through and feeling bad for ourselves.  Set times to read Gurbani and do seva.  This way you can spend time away from your dad.  Sometimes the abuser himself is going through mental issues and he finds anger as a release.  It's no excuse to continue the behaviour.  But understanding why he continues like this, may help you let go of the past and move forward into being healthy.  Many times angry people want you to fight back.  This actually fuels their anger more and provides them with more satisfaction.  It's better not to argue back and ignore him.  The best thing you can to is read Gurbani and this will make you mentally stronger.     

[Guest Jacfsing2]

On 9/19/2016 at 11:01 PM, Guest Reet said:

Hello and sat sri akal 

please help me understand what's the norm in Sikh families. My father is the most irresponsible person I know. He's never contributed our little family as we (me and my brother) were growing up. I was 'forced' to be a good student. And we aren't talking 'normal' parental pressure. I remember being beaten up by my father when I was 7 or 8 coz I didn't come 'first' in a school exam. This was in India. I remember my mother screaming and yelling at him & wishing she never gave birth to me as she constantly witnessed my father beating me up. I still (at the age of 25) have scars on my knees from when he pushed me on the floor. He's not physically abusive now. I have faced gender discrimination at every step in my family. My father assisted my brother to cheat in high school exams (Punjab school education board- anything's possible). On the other hand, I was put in a more rigorous school board and expected to excel. I did but became severely depressed (and suicidal) by the time school ended. 

My mother realized I needed medical help. My father opposed it as he didn't want his daughter to be declared "paagal". After all, every psychiatric patient is "paagal" regardless of their diagnosis. My mother was continuously taunted & verbally abused by my father while she took me to the doctors. 

After a few years,  we moved to US to pursue the American dream. My father wanted me to become a doctor but when he realized we couldn't afford my education, he backed off. I went to a community college and completed a small degree with my own money (working part time). All this time, I saw my father contributing next to nothing as usual. My mother is a very calm person & when I ask her how she can bear his abuse for this long- she replies that atleast she has a husband to show the 'society'. I recently decided not to take his nonsense anymore and tolerate none of his verbal abuse. He has a short temper and blasts anyone and at any time (without a reason). Due to lack of health insurance, my depression is back. And it's ten fold now. I am unable to work & suicidal. But my father has no effect. When he blasts me, I seriously consider suicide. I have shared this with my mother and she asked me to "just ignore him". But I have learnt in my education that tolerating abuse is a crime too. So why should I?  My mother has never stood up against him and she expects me to do the same. I on the other hand, want my father to have a taste of his own medicine. So this evening, I ask you what are your views (especially Sikh views) on my situation? Should I fight against him and not bear what he says? Or should I be quiet, "like a good sikh woman" (according to my mother) and bear his brunt- like I always have. What would you do if your sister was being treated like this in her family? 

Daas recommends that you should probably leave your family and at the best leave it at that. Maybe take-up some activities to keep you distracted and let's you have some value, try following Gurmat more. Your parents didn't raise you appropriate for Sikhi parenting; however, your story is actually extremely too common among SubContinental people, (from what Daas has heard). In the case you were to be born into the best Sikh family, (hypothetically), there would still be the chance that you'd view your parents in a negative light, for being caring and trying to grow your spiritual health.

[Guest XYZ]

You are in the US not India anymore. You have the ability to stop this by pressing charges against your father having him arrested and have a court order for him and your family to stay away from you. Or the other option is to leave don't fear that you do not have money. That comes in time. Starting from my parents to my estranged wife and my parents now I struggle to this day to feed myself but I don't depend on anyone. I don't even go to the Gurdwara for many reasons. I do everything to accept what little I have or had. There is a light at the other side of the tunnel. One thing I have not stopped is my childhood Kirtan Asa Kee War I do it every morning but on the tabla and I also have suicidal thoughts but I try my best with medicine and Kirtan to fight that thought sometimes I have to dial 911 and the Police will come and help me or take me to the hospital. As long as I am cooperative I have no fear of being charged.

[harsharan000]

To Guest Reet and Guest XYZ,

I would strongly advise you to stay away from suicdal thoughts. You must bear in mind, this life and all lives are based on past karmas.

So, if you end your lives, before that set of karmas are cleared, means, you carry on with them in the next life, plus you add the heavy karma of suicide on your head.

That is not wise.

Karmas can not be escaped nor cleared by suiciding, rather they are increased by doing so.

It is like, for example you have to pay  $500 hundred USA dollars, and while this amount is not paid off, you still aid $500 dollars more to that debt.

This means, you are your own enemy, in the sense, you doing bad to your ownself. By this, you head direct to hell(heavy karam).

Let me tell you one more thing, no matter how bad your karmas are, no matter how bad you may be going through life, in any odd circumnstances, if you ever have to die in a natural way as per destiny, just keep repeating the sweet name of Wahiguru, Wahiguru, Wahiguru....

Then what will happen?

That even if your store of karmas are huge, heavy and dark, even then, His Name, will be your shelter here and hereafter. His Name will be like small sparks, more than enough, to burn the huge mountain of dry grass(karmas).

Then not only that, but with His apaar kirpa, you shall get a better human birth with better conditions, to do His Bhakti with more zeal and love, thus fulfill your purpose of coming into existence, and reach His abode, Sach Khand.

With each step, with each breath, just keep on doing His shukraana, and keep repeating Wahiguru, Wahiguru...and you wil be ferried across.

Stay blessed.

Sat Sree Akal.

 

 

 

 

[Guest Stand up]

Hi

 

i used to live in a family in which every member had a split personality.

 

My dad used to hit my mum and abuse us and eventually his mental illness spread to everyone.

 

I left a few times to go to university, made the mistake of going home and becoming a bit mad, left again as an older adult, then made the mistake of moving back. Upon moving back I was beaten up badly. Then I left for good and would never move back. I am now in the process of police proceedings to get justice for what was done to me.

 

you should stand up for yourself, as a grown adult. We are always free, were never alone. My family drove  me to the edge of insanity and I suffered depression for years while they bullied and beat me. Moving out frees you and there are Indians out there like me who do it and are able to move forward with this lives. Tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and needs to change or your going to do something about it. Don't have suicidal thoughts, life is a blessing and even if you're at rock bottom, go back to the light, stay and be positive. I'll join as a member and pm you.

 

Remember there are a lot of Sikh groups that can help u, you don't have to do it alone.