Guest Lost

Marrying someone but no attraction

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Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa

Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh 

I'm in a bit of a dilemma and need advice.  I'm talking to someone with the intent of marrying him. He seems really nice and is from a Gursikh family. The only issue is I'm not physically attracted to him. I'm not trying to be shallow and don't know why I feel this way. Even though I'm not attracted to him should I still marry him?

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7 hours ago, Guest Lost said:

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa

Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh 

I'm in a bit of a dilemma and need advice.  I'm talking to someone with the intent of marrying him. He seems really nice and is from a Gursikh family. The only issue is I'm not physically attracted to him. I'm not trying to be shallow and don't know why I feel this way. Even though I'm not attracted to him should I still marry him?

Vaheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Vaheguru Ji Ki Fateh! That's ultimately a choice that's up to Vaheguru's Hukam, (he picks out who we marry and who we don't marry), what Daas will say is ask whether he has the qualities you want from a partner. Attraction will only really exist for a short time, but love can stay forever. Again it's ultimately Vaheguru's Hukan whether you will marry him, but Daas would say don't go into the marriage if you start on a negative note. Vaheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Vaheguru Ji Ki Fateh!

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I agree with above poster.

Physical attraction is temporary and meaningless. You should marry someone for their qualities and characteristics. True physical attraction comes when there is a love and bond between the two.

But I don't suggest you marry him if you continue with that thought as it is not fair or nice to him. 

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In difficult cases like these, where you can not make up your mind, we have been given ardaas and hukamnama to resort to. Marriage is also your duty to look after another family, your own children and yourself too. It gives you a social standing and also other members of the same family to socialise with and to learn from. Physical attraction may seem to be the most important trait at the start however it will slowly start to fade out and your future will be shaped more by the virtues of your partner and not the way he looks like. Good looking ones may turn out to be vain, never know. 

Each person is a complete human being with emotional aspects, religious beliefs and their own unique lifestyle. A person who is similar to you will be easier to live with. Think about whether he is vegetarian and you are too, whether his beliefs coincide with yours, he is a home person or a party animal- turning up in the middle of the night on weekends. 

At the end of the day it is your choice. The right person - will ensure that you are well looked after and supported in your married life. Moreover you will both stick together, have children together and look after them together. So make sure you consider into other aspects of this Gursikh as well. It is important to think about what you can contribute to your relationship as well. Attraction and love are two different things. Marriage requires more of trust and a mature attitude rather than just wild attraction which mostly passes away once the honeymoon is over. After that it is normal day to day life - with cooking, cleaning, entertaining and making conversation which takes over. It is great to be a person whom you can see eye to eye with. Love takes time to develop. It is not infatuation with looks. (Ever wonder how and why people fall in love with their dogs)

 

 

 

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I married my wife without being 'amazingly' attracted to her. Infact after a very short while i fell deeply in love with her. And to this day i am still in love.

However my wife found me attractive and had gone for looks (not to  say i have bad characteristics). This wore off after 6 months or so. A year later we had major issues. Now 4 years later shes preparing to leave me. It messes a person up becos i feel as if im ugly and lost all confidence in my self and just feel worthless. Shes only been with me for the last year cos shes not got money to leave. She isnt willing to commit of make this work. Her family think its my fault, she didnt tel then the truth and they dont know shes planning to leave. However she told me that when she gets enough money shel be away. I just dont get how people can do this in life. Doesnt seem to be any loyalty orcommittment these days. People dont have any thought for lavaan and their Guru. Its just kaljug at its worst becos i think we can be really good together but in her mind she cant see the same. Some ppl wont learn a lesson without alot of pain and causing pain to others. Alot of karma is created. No one wants to follow sikhi at all. All just pakhand.

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On 9/1/2016 at 9:00 PM, Guest Lost said:

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa

Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh 

I'm in a bit of a dilemma and need advice.  I'm talking to someone with the intent of marrying him. He seems really nice and is from a Gursikh family. The only issue is I'm not physically attracted to him. I'm not trying to be shallow and don't know why I feel this way. Even though I'm not attracted to him should I still marry him?

Girl.. it's your life. Please don't let a bunch of kattar sikhs dictate your life. This is the 21st century. Women have rights (well some do). Learn to say NO when you need to. No one else would do that for you. NO ONE. 

You have to spend an entire life time with your husband. In this day and age, physical attraction matters. Yes it does. I don't care who all tells you it's rabb di marzi. You have options. Listen to these men literally being dictators OR live your life as you wish to. No one has seen what's on the other side (death) so don't be pressurized under such fact less norms. Good luck to you sister!!

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Girl.. it's your life. Please don't let a bunch of kattar sikhs dictate your life. This is the 21st century. Women have rights (well some do). Learn to say NO when you need to. No one else would do that for you. NO ONE. 

Can you please clarify the bold part? How did you came to this notion? 

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My niece recently had this experience. Her friend whom she was very close with, invited her family to meet theirs. Now one thing she did not know is that my niece's dad wears a dastar.

When my niece's dad went there - they were all shocked. Your dad wears a dastar... but you seem all normal. We thought your dad was going to be so strict with you. We had a completely different view of people who wear dastars. 

Well the mona community out there - does not feel safe to mix and mingle with a Sikh wearing a dastar. They have got some weird views about them being very very religious and wanting to draw the kirpan out at any argument. This visit changed the views of one family who admitted that they feared sikhs with dastars and leave alone give their daughter or son in marriage to one, they would never even have invited one home!!!!!!!!!

Good news... they are still friends. 

This is the situation of Guest Reet. You are a nice girl but no knowledge of what a Gursikh or what real Gursikhi means. This is the norm of what most Sikh girls are like. Your values, beliefs, outlook to life and ideals are from films, friends and novels, not from the ideals taught to us by Guru Ji. You need to read up. 

Edited by sikhni777

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29 minutes ago, sikhni777 said:

My niece recently had this experience. Her friend whom she was very close with, invited her family to meet theirs. Now one thing she did not know is that my niece's dad wears a dastar.

When my niece's dad went there - they were all shocked. Your dad wears a dastar... but you seem all normal. We thought your dad was going to be so strict with you. We had a completely different view of people who wear dastars. 

Well the mona community out there - does not feel safe to mix and mingle with a Sikh wearing a dastar. They have got some weird views about them being very very religious and wanting to draw the kirpan out at any argument. This visit changed the views of one family who admitted that they feared sikhs with dastars and leave alone give their daughter or son in marriage to one, they would never even have invited one home!!!!!!!!!

Good news... they are still friends. 

This is the situation of Guest Reet. You are a nice girl but no knowledge of what a Gursikh or what real Gursikhi means. This is the norm of what most Sikh girls are like. Your values, beliefs, outlook to life and ideals are from films, friends and novels, not from the ideals taught to us by Guru Ji. You need to read up. 

Problem is so bad my eldest was beaten up and bullied by mona sikhs when he attended a sikh school ...when he was 3 ! These people are so full of fear and hatred that they are willing to attack a baby for wearing a patka . Reet is a person who is fear-filled because she believes media stories and rumour mills but she probably has no real experience of good true Gursikhs . Sikhi is the path of True Love

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On 20/09/2016 at 4:50 AM, Guest Reet said:

In this day and age, physical attraction matters. Yes it does. 

Does physical attraction still matter if you:
-become overweight during pregnancy?
-get old and wrinkly?
-get smashed in the face from some sort of accident?

Because if it does, then your husband has every right to leave you. 

Edited by Berserk

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I believe everyone wants the perfect partner , good looking , good character , etc... who doesnt ....but the attraction can be developed over the years and with action. Action by the way one is behaving , seeing each other as friends , sharing your experiences together , attraction will definitely come. Above all have faith in Guru Maharaj , seek guidance from Guru Maharaj , ask Guru ji this question from within your heart and your question will be answered. If physical attraction is a negative and positives outweigh the negatives , then that may be an element to consider.

I know a friend who was in the same position as you , got married to someone he was not physically attracted to. but in his circumstances he got married had the Anand Karaj so there was no turning back . For several months . he was sad but plucked up the courage to stick to his vows. He put all his faith in Guru Maharaj , started to go to the Gurudawara , speaking to Guru Maharaj , asking for help .Guru Maharj 100% helped him . Now you cant get him away from his wife , the bond is so strong , its an inspiration. He often says he was a moorakh , but made a decision to change his mindset with Guru Maharaj;s guidance.

Before you make a commitment , see the guy again , talk to him have general conversation and then contemplate , and decide whether , he is for you or not.

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