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Help? Self Harming More Now Than I Was Before Sikhi


Guest Singhni
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Guest Singhni

I've been Amritdhari for almost 5 years.

My pre-Sikhi life was relatively turbulent, perhaps abusive. I remember wanting to die from a very young age, and a sort of melancholy followed me around until I found Sikhi and everything became beautiful.

For the last few months I have thought excessively about death. I've always gone back to internet searches relating to questions about wanting to die. I've comforted myself with the thought that I might not be around for too long. I've driven my car in the hopes that I'll crash. I've fantasized. I've asked Maharaj to take me. About three times, I've felt so helpless and annoyed at myself that I've resorted to punching and hitting myself - things which I didn't really do before Sikhi, but now the urge to hurt myself is strong.

I don't want to commit suicide, I just don't want to live. I don't want life. I don't want marriage, kids, old age - I don't want celibacy, no kids, old age. I honestly see no reason to live, nothing to look forward to, nothing I want to do, and I search my mind for reasons all the time. I'd rather things just ended soon. This feeling seems so normal to me now.

With the exception of the last few days, I've had my Amrit Vela for a good while. I have naam simran, seva, and before I started working recently, I read a fair amount of Bani. But I'm even losing the pyaas for Maharaj. Of course I must be - because I see no reason to live, even if it was just for Their bhagti. I'm so indifferent not only to what happens to me but also the jamdoots, dharamraj, and the whole cycle... that's the scary thing. Most of the time I just don't care.

What is this? Of course you'll think depression. But I think it's deeper than that, more than a chemical imbalance. I just cannot make myself want to live.

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I've been Amritdhari for almost 5 years.

My pre-Sikhi life was relatively turbulent, perhaps abusive. I remember wanting to die from a very young age, and a sort of melancholy followed me around until I found Sikhi and everything became beautiful.

For the last few months I have thought excessively about death. I've always gone back to internet searches relating to questions about wanting to die. I've comforted myself with the thought that I might not be around for too long. I've driven my car in the hopes that I'll crash. I've fantasized. I've asked Maharaj to take me. About three times, I've felt so helpless and annoyed at myself that I've resorted to punching and hitting myself - things which I didn't really do before Sikhi, but now the urge to hurt myself is strong.

I don't want to commit suicide, I just don't want to live. I don't want life. I don't want marriage, kids, old age - I don't want celibacy, no kids, old age. I honestly see no reason to live, nothing to look forward to, nothing I want to do, and I search my mind for reasons all the time. I'd rather things just ended soon. This feeling seems so normal to me now.

With the exception of the last few days, I've had my Amrit Vela for a good while. I have naam simran, seva, and before I started working recently, I read a fair amount of Bani. But I'm even losing the pyaas for Maharaj. Of course I must be - because I see no reason to live, even if it was just for Their bhagti. I'm so indifferent not only to what happens to me but also the jamdoots, dharamraj, and the whole cycle... that's the scary thing. Most of the time I just don't care.

What is this? Of course you'll think depression. But I think it's deeper than that, more than a chemical imbalance. I just cannot make myself want to live.

I'm not a professional penji Singhni, but you mention your past and young age negativity. It maybe that your past is coming to surface and you are not coping with how to deal with it. Gurbani is for your soul spiritually, but if you are getting thoughts as you say, then firstly do Ardas to Waheguru to help you through this. Secondly, I think you should go to your doctor and ask for help.

It sounds like you are trying to get rid of the root of the problem by only Gurbani. Are you going through a stressful time? Are you taking on too much than you can handle. You have just started work, maybe you are tiring yourself out without realising it. Try to get some counselling and get your blood tests done, Vitamin D study and vitamin b12 ask for it. Have a health check up, some doctors are offering them, but ask for one yourself if yours isn't.

Hope you get the help you need and think positive Okji.

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Guest Satwinder Singh

I've been Amritdhari for almost 5 years.

My pre-Sikhi life was relatively turbulent, perhaps abusive. I remember wanting to die from a very young age, and a sort of melancholy followed me around until I found Sikhi and everything became beautiful.

For the last few months I have thought excessively about death. I've always gone back to internet searches relating to questions about wanting to die. I've comforted myself with the thought that I might not be around for too long. I've driven my car in the hopes that I'll crash. I've fantasized. I've asked Maharaj to take me. About three times, I've felt so helpless and annoyed at myself that I've resorted to punching and hitting myself - things which I didn't really do before Sikhi, but now the urge to hurt myself is strong.

I don't want to commit suicide, I just don't want to live. I don't want life. I don't want marriage, kids, old age - I don't want celibacy, no kids, old age. I honestly see no reason to live, nothing to look forward to, nothing I want to do, and I search my mind for reasons all the time. I'd rather things just ended soon. This feeling seems so normal to me now.

With the exception of the last few days, I've had my Amrit Vela for a good while. I have naam simran, seva, and before I started working recently, I read a fair amount of Bani. But I'm even losing the pyaas for Maharaj. Of course I must be - because I see no reason to live, even if it was just for Their bhagti. I'm so indifferent not only to what happens to me but also the jamdoots, dharamraj, and the whole cycle... that's the scary thing. Most of the time I just don't care.

What is this? Of course you'll think depression. But I think it's deeper than that, more than a chemical imbalance. I just cannot make myself want to live.

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Guest Satwinder Singh

I've been Amritdhari for almost 5 years.

My pre-Sikhi life was relatively turbulent, perhaps abusive. I remember wanting to die from a very young age, and a sort of melancholy followed me around until I found Sikhi and everything became beautiful.

For the last few months I have thought excessively about death. I've always gone back to internet searches relating to questions about wanting to die. I've comforted myself with the thought that I might not be around for too long. I've driven my car in the hopes that I'll crash. I've fantasized. I've asked Maharaj to take me. About three times, I've felt so helpless and annoyed at myself that I've resorted to punching and hitting myself - things which I didn't really do before Sikhi, but now the urge to hurt myself is strong.

I don't want to commit suicide, I just don't want to live. I don't want life. I don't want marriage, kids, old age - I don't want celibacy, no kids, old age. I honestly see no reason to live, nothing to look forward to, nothing I want to do, and I search my mind for reasons all the time. I'd rather things just ended soon. This feeling seems so normal to me now.

With the exception of the last few days, I've had my Amrit Vela for a good while. I have naam simran, seva, and before I started working recently, I read a fair amount of Bani. But I'm even losing the pyaas for Maharaj. Of course I must be - because I see no reason to live, even if it was just for Their bhagti. I'm so indifferent not only to what happens to me but also the jamdoots, dharamraj, and the whole cycle... that's the scary thing. Most of the time I just don't care.

What is this? Of course you'll think depression. But I think it's deeper than that, more than a chemical imbalance. I just cannot make myself want to live.

Pen Jee,

we easily say we are Amritdharis.

But, do we really understand what that means?

Becoming Amritdhari, means to honestly do the needful after that holy day, to one day drink the real Amrit of Naam within, and become one with Akal Purukh.

But all of us, exceptionally all, take that moment as a ritual, and do not pay the attention to the meaning of what that moment represents for us. It means to do the bhajan bandagee, with that effort and zeal, to reach within and drink the Amrit of Naam, which our Guru Sahibans say, is flowing within us all the 24 hours, we just have to collect our surtee within, and make it drink it and merge ourselves totally into that real Amritsar within us.

Then only, we shall have that clear understanding and thinking to live in His Mauj, without any single atom of negativity of the mind, vikaars or karmas ...because then we have placed ourselves in His lap, and nothing bad can happen us.

Pen Jee, this not just mere theory or fantasy, it is the guarantee from our beloved Guru Sahibans, that if we follow Gurmat implicitly, we shall be brave enough to face any dark clouds due to our own karmas or sanskaras.

Then also, it is good in a way when you say, you do not want children or spouse, or old age, in a way it is Meher from Guru Jee on you, so you can freely engage yourself in His Bhakti, to fulfill the purpose of this your human life.

And what is that purpose?

The Bani says: bhaee parapat manukh de hooreeya, Gobind milan kee yeh teree bareeya.

You are fortunate to have this human birth, for which even the gods and godesses, thirst for it, because it is only in this human form where we can meet Him through His grace.

If we do not act wisely, we may fall ionto the lower spices as in vegeatble kingdom, insect, bird reptile or animal kingdoms...and who knows, when will we get this human form again, it maybe yugas, also ....

But then, if we do not make the most of it now, what guarantee is we will become maturely in other births?

So, then why not make the most of it now wisely.

Let us stop watching what others do, or have, or as per how they behave, everyone gets soroos and happiness as per their past karmas, but one thing we all have in comon is that, Wahiguru is available in equal measure for all the beings, but for that, we have to forget everything and pay attention to Him.

Why look at the sahdows or darkness?

Why not turn our faces and look towards the Sun(Wahiguru), so taht we may walk confidently in the sunshine.

The Sun is not to be blamed, it is we who have to turn our "mukhs" towards the Sun, thus change our attitude, our negativity, and make the most profit, with the Jot of Wahiguru´s Naam.

Sachee sewa, Naam samanee.

The real sewa is the one, which merges our surtee in the only everlasting Truth, call it Wahiguru, Satnam, Naam or Shabad.

And that is what you do already at amrit wela. But then keep it up without any fail, Wahigur will himself come and abide in you, thus all your your negativity will run away, and you will shine with His Jot, it is amtter of faith, effort and time only, so do not loose hope.

Sabna jeea ka Iko Daata.

May His Grace be on you.

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Guest Nindak

Positive nd negative thinking is related to bodily activities, if u were a good player or athlete( not professional level but just regular sportsperson) u will never thought of these negative urges.

Try to go in sports ground every single day, nd do all exercises there,

Theperson who dont do exercises for long time, his haemoglobin level becomes more thick nd thick haemoglobin cant flow in equilibrium with other body organs.

I am 100 percent sure about it and go check ur haemoglobin if it more than 15, 16 , ur body need exercises like jogging jumping etc or ir u can play volleyball soccer etc than even more good.

It takes about 15 days for 3 hrs hard exercises of make ur haemoglobin less dense.

Thanks

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Guest Counseller

Hi, go and see a counsellor definitely!

Also, do seva, we only fall into depression and want to die when we have fallen into selfishness. If you are not married and don't have kids, don't stress about it, i'm not married and I find shaanti in going to work, doing seva, including teaching what I know of gurbani and what I have experienced online.

I had suffered from depression for years and although I am in the process of seeing a counsellor, I have managed to get myself out of it. Having friends is important. If you don't have alot of friends, then maybe family. If they're not an option, then network, meet other sikhs, workmates, or join a group or a club- you have nothing to lose.

Also, be ambitious, try and do better in your life, to make more money etc. With money you are able to help others, and when you work, the energy is also the energy of seva. But don't overwork, look after your body and meditate aswell. Do the below:

For a balanced soul:

9-5 work (life)

6-7 Gym(Body

Evening Meditate (spirit)

Do these things and you'll start feeling better.

Start looking for a husband if you're of the right age, being with someone you can learn to trust is good, and living the life of a householder whilst practicing Truth is also good. If you can have a family and life as the Gurus did, then that is good, follow their examples. They were civilised and Good Souls.

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I've been Amritdhari for almost 5 years.

My pre-Sikhi life was relatively turbulent, perhaps abusive. I remember wanting to die from a very young age, and a sort of melancholy followed me around until I found Sikhi and everything became beautiful.

For the last few months I have thought excessively about death. I've always gone back to internet searches relating to questions about wanting to die. I've comforted myself with the thought that I might not be around for too long. I've driven my car in the hopes that I'll crash. I've fantasized. I've asked Maharaj to take me. About three times, I've felt so helpless and annoyed at myself that I've resorted to punching and hitting myself - things which I didn't really do before Sikhi, but now the urge to hurt myself is strong.

I don't want to commit suicide, I just don't want to live. I don't want life. I don't want marriage, kids, old age - I don't want celibacy, no kids, old age. I honestly see no reason to live, nothing to look forward to, nothing I want to do, and I search my mind for reasons all the time. I'd rather things just ended soon. This feeling seems so normal to me now.

With the exception of the last few days, I've had my Amrit Vela for a good while. I have naam simran, seva, and before I started working recently, I read a fair amount of Bani. But I'm even losing the pyaas for Maharaj. Of course I must be - because I see no reason to live, even if it was just for Their bhagti. I'm so indifferent not only to what happens to me but also the jamdoots, dharamraj, and the whole cycle... that's the scary thing. Most of the time I just don't care.

What is this? Of course you'll think depression. But I think it's deeper than that, more than a chemical imbalance. I just cannot make myself want to live.

The need for love and intimacy is a fundamental human need, as primal as the need for food, water, and air - Dean Ornish

A hug or touch can result in the release of oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, and in a reduction in stress hormones.

Bibi think about marriage & getting laid.

If not then get a massage.

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VAHEGURU JI KA KHALSA, VAHEGURU JI KI FATEH

"Interesting" response from singhbj singh...I would not recommend that as a solution. You need to work on the underlying issue(s). M

So see a counselor and get to the root of your problem. Counseling can help you work through it and move on. Whatever happened will be a part of for life, but being able to cope and move on is vital. Otherwise, it will fester and cause the issues it is now causing.

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