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Guest hsingh

Coping With Infertility

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Guest hsingh

hi all was wondering if anyone could help or has been through the same thing.

myself and my wife are both approaching our 30's and of course everyone is asking the big question 'when are you going to have a baby'

we been trying unsuccessfully for a while and are now seeking treatment at the hospital.

the question is less to do with what can i do so god listens to my prayers to have a baby, but more to do how do i control my vices. Typical when I get asked about having kids I can't control my anger and lash out as I'm reluctant to tell people whats going on behind the scenes.

Secondly I'm struggling to control my jealousy as it seems every person and their dog seems to be pregnant and having babies.

I accept that having a blessing such as a baby is in gods will and will happen when its meant to be. But i just don't want it to change who I am as a person whilst we're waiting for the blessing to arrive.

Thanks :)

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hi all was wondering if anyone could help or has been through the same thing.

myself and my wife are both approaching our 30's and of course everyone is asking the big question 'when are you going to have a baby'

we been trying unsuccessfully for a while and are now seeking treatment at the hospital.

the question is less to do with what can i do so god listens to my prayers to have a baby, but more to do how do i control my vices. Typical when I get asked about having kids I can't control my anger and lash out as I'm reluctant to tell people whats going on behind the scenes.

Secondly I'm struggling to control my jealousy as it seems every person and their dog seems to be pregnant and having babies.

I accept that having a blessing such as a baby is in gods will and will happen when its meant to be. But i just don't want it to change who I am as a person whilst we're waiting for the blessing to arrive.

Thanks :)

Try to look at those that don't have children and how they cope with life. There are many in that position or have been through the same emotions and thoughts and you, but have children at a late age or not at all. It is Waheguru also that helps one through this, so who better to turn to for help in dealing with it? If the blessing of a child is in Gods will, then so is having the strength, patience and to deal with it.

You are more likely to get this understanding from seeing those in similar situations as you.

The unique homes children are a reminder that they came into this world, but don't even know who their parents are.

There's no need to tell anybody anything personal, you just need the strength to be able to change the emotions, and not worry about not being excepted by society because one does not have children.

On the positive side in your situation you are seeking treatment at a hospital, so there is hope in that. 30 isn't really that old, there's women that go past 40 and have similar problems. I know a lady who had a baby at 50, after giving up hope, so don't let it get you down.

Be stress free for yourself and your wife as you don't want this to reflect on any treatment. Seek professional advice if you need help with it.

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Jealousy and Anger are just thoughts. If u can catch these thoughts as they occur, you can avoid reacting in anger.

This is difficult to do at first because reaction is really fast but if u start realizing even after youve reacted: like ive just let anger win or let jeolousy consume me, then slowly u will start to recognize anger, jeolousy before it controls u. Then u will have to fight to subdue it. Sometimes u will lose because it feels good to lash out. But sometimes u will win. When thoughts of anger or jeolousy come dont be ashamed. We all have vices and they are powerful. But it is ur fault if u act on them or dwell on them. U r not ur thoughts.

Also when ppl ask when just tell them its all wahegurus bhana or when its the right time or some other vague, smug answer to send them on their way.

As per jeolousy, my mom used to say, no matter what we bring these kids fir vi dusare di cheej dekh ki halk pai janda (even if kids are well fed seeing others treats they go rabid) Your guru is samrath, capable of giving u many things, and he has given u lots of things so why like an orphan are u looking at other ppls things and coveting. Have sabar, patience, u will get it soon. Also one always notices what one lacks in other people. So tell similar things to ur mind to help it combat jealousy. For examply say, let others enjoy what they have, my mind, have bharosa my guru will give it to me too.

PS have u thought about adopting?

Edited by Not2Cool2Argue
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A very good point made in the post above is to have a single answer that you can resort to whenever asked. Regardless of your personal situation, it's not a question that ever requires a direct answer.

You can keep the answer as vague or even suggest a broader mind in your answer as you wish. I don't suggest the answer be too flippant as you should not have to deal with negative energy. The answer should take little energy. People ask like robots, insensitively. Sometimes it's for conversation and greeting more than an answer. Forgive them for that failure and reciprocate with as little thought as they have put into it.

Your mind will magnify what is going on for other people because of your own situation.Keep in mind there are huge number of couples with similar challenges. Many good people struggle with the step prior, which is having a life partner. Other people also have behind the scenes personal struggles of all kinds, marriage, financial, health, trust issues, mental health, etc.

Sikh bonds and love are no where near blood or DNA. Don't restrain from enjoying and loving life and contributing to your community. Every one of us can imagine different circumstances. We are all blessed in different ways. You have honesty and insight about your own feelings. That will go a long ways in keeping positive.

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We went through a similar situation for 12 years. Everyone kept on asking us questions and we did feel down. However we just choose to ignore them. Approaching 35,I decided it did not matter anymore. The will of God was supreme. If he wished us to have a baby we will have one. My prayers just consisted of Tera kiya meetha laage. My mum in law pressured me into praying for a child. i just said yes all the time. I laughed off what people said - just took their comments lightly as jokes. We were taken to many places for a matha tek and prayers specifically for a child.

When we started relaxing, keeping cool, and stopped worrying - it was the best. That is when we were blessed. So the best is to relax, dont blame others or yourself and blessings will arrive soon. Pray for strength to get past the situation. Hopefully it should not last too long. Soon everything will be forgotten as you get busy with the little ones - then you will miss these carefree days and understand that the worrying and jealousy were just a big waste of time. You could have done better, coz kids keep you so busy. They literally just come and take over your life.

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Guest _hsingh_

thanks all for your responses, read them all with my wife and found great comfort and realisation in them.

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hi all was wondering if anyone could help or has been through the same thing.

myself and my wife are both approaching our 30's and of course everyone is asking the big question 'when are you going to have a baby'

we been trying unsuccessfully for a while and are now seeking treatment at the hospital.

the question is less to do with what can i do so god listens to my prayers to have a baby, but more to do how do i control my vices. Typical when I get asked about having kids I can't control my anger and lash out as I'm reluctant to tell people whats going on behind the scenes.

Secondly I'm struggling to control my jealousy as it seems every person and their dog seems to be pregnant and having babies.

I accept that having a blessing such as a baby is in gods will and will happen when its meant to be. But i just don't want it to change who I am as a person whilst we're waiting for the blessing to arrive.

Thanks :)

I remember listening to Parmjit Singh Anandpur Wale recently and the first thing we should ask for from Maharaj is Darshan before worldly mangaa.

You're spot on, our Pralabadh Karams are what dictate these types of situations and as we have seen with Sarab Rog Ka Aukadh naam camps, anything is possible through massive naam abhyiaas, which is when Ardas is heard quicker.

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Guest Gupt Singh

Many ppl including Gursikhs from the west have been to Hansali Sahib (Sant Baba Ajit Singh's asthaan) and asked for a child...today they all have been blessed with a child. i know of a Gursikh couple who tried everything medically possible but no avail. They did bentee at Hansali Sahib and today they have a child. Please go Hansali Sahib (near Fatehgarh Sahib) on any Thursday and do a bentee.

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Guest Anon_Kaur

I myself have been through a tough time, I have been married for 10 years and children was never on the agenda until the last 2 years.  My husband and I never responded to anyone's comments.  I told my parents and in-laws that this is Mahraaj Jis Hukam, not theirs or the aunty asking a million questions.

Once I accepted Mahraaj Jis hukam and started to believe that they are doing what is right for and my husband, it wasn't long before I became pregnant.

We must be willing to accept Mahraaj Jis Hukam at all costs, even when it doesn't align with your own wants.  Be a good Gursikh, stay within Rehat and nothing will get you down.  Be in Chardikala :)

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Guest Adoptionsikh

It might be that those of us who can have children look to adopt. And provide a loving home and care to a child who has no parents etc.

Its not seen if at all in many Sikh homes. But if we open our hearts a little whether or not we can have kids. But certainly an option for those who are infertile

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Guest hsingh

Just a quick update, so the initial treatment was unsuccessful and we start IVF next month. I would say its getting easier with time, and we're especially appreciating what we do have rather focusing on what we don't have. The universe is a big and beautiful place and we are just a insignificant part of it so why worry. 

Adoption has been mentioned and we did look into orphanages in Punjab, not sure how it works but we feel a bit uncomfortable choosing a child over there and giving them a better life yet leaving the other kids behind so we agreed to do more for orphan kids over there rather than just adopt only one.

Its a great shame theres not much mention/support in our community of such issues. I was speaking to a Jewish friend who mentioned that the jewish community in london have support groups at the synagogue to help with those who have gone through miscarriages/infertility/death of a partner/adoption etc.... 

Waheguru

 

 

 

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Guest SinghB

I have several of my friends who are going thru this painful journey. Typical Punjabi family survives on family support (not always but most of the time). 

The 'Sikh' support group is non-exiting as our community tends to bury such things under the carpet.

Fertility such as ivf treatment needs a big support from those who been thru such programs. 

One of my friend went thru expensive IVF program but it was not successful. Support is needed from all sides- family first then friends and then sangat.

I also strongly believe that all type of support will be only achieved from Waheguru ji. 

Bhaenji above mentioned that we need to trust and obey maharaj's hukam.

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In reply to the above two posts of HSingh Ji and SinghB Ji, you are right Gurdwaras do not offer this support service, but it's the same with any other issue, the support just isn't there in our community. 

I came across this, not sure if it be of help to anybody though, but I'll put it on. 

http://www.infertilitynetworkuk.com/support/support_groups_6/england_wales

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by simran345

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1 hour ago, simran345 said:

but it's the same with any other issue, the support just isn't there in our community. 

I'm not sure I'd want it to be, bhenji, especially with the Punjabi trait of chugliyan, lol. 

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1 hour ago, MisterrSingh said:

I'm not sure I'd want it to be, bhenji, especially with the Punjabi trait of chugliyan, lol. 

Maybe it's about time there was some change then.  Because I'm sick of tired of hearing that same old chuglian dialogue Paji. 

May wake up a few people to reality too, as what's there to be so proud about doing chuglian of people not being able to have kids or those that have problems. 

This backwards desi thinking of treating childless couples differently needs to stop and where better to start than the Gurdwara? 

The chuglian wale need to learn from it too. 

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