Divorce

[simran345]

17 hours ago, Guest Sangat please advise said:

Thank you so much Simran Ji.

Very kind of you to type that helpful advice above (which I will follow like JKV Bhenji's) in relation to trying to get her to go to the Doctor's about this.

Given the challenges you have faced and still faced my issues are nothing. They really aren't. My Chardi Kallah hasn't been affected overall even though the continual episodes are troubling when they erupt. 

Your materialism makes total sense. Honestly I'm just an ordinary man and nowhere near as good as your husband or Angelo Singh. It's clear to me that wife has never truly loved me and was never really ready emotionally for marriage but I will try my best to ensure she gets the treatment she needs so that we can both have a better future somehow.

All the best to you always Simran Ji

Guest ji, I have no idea who you are, but by comparing my challenges to yours, I'm not able to say that I'm in a worse position or better position than you. You see, everybody has their own problems in life and at different phases based on their past karams, or present or even through wrong decisions. Only the person with the problem or obstacles will know exactly what they are going through, and for each person the tolerance level and to be able to either deal or not be able to deal with it will be only specific to themselves and the reactions different also. 

It's good, your spiritual side hasn't been affected, which for myself I can't say it's been easy. There have been times where faith has dropped and rock bottom low. But it's from realising and seeing that I'm not alone, there are others that have their own problems too. 

You are the same as any soul but it's just how to deal with it that one has to learn. It's not been easy for my husband either, he never used to be as understanding, and you are right about what you said, life is full of challenges. When you think one set has finished, then something else starts. You should not compare yourself to others in regards to how your marital relationship is, as you don't know the whole story of what somebody else's is like. Nor should you think of yourself as any less than another, be positive about the future. And ask Waheguru to help you. 

Somebody once said to me, that if we can't change the people around us, then the next thing is to change ourselves. Meaning change the ways we deal with thing or see them from a different perspective and I may see a change.  I did try this a few times and it did work.  I do try to remember to do that, but tend to forget too sometimes. 

About the love bit you mention, my thinking is that it's not possible to love somebody from the word go. It takes time and may take many hurdles to create that connection between a couple. It's like in our community, one can't live with somebody before marriage to get to know the other person properly, that only happens until after marriage, and the care and love develops through time. Some takes quicker than others, but others may be later. All depends on the type of problems that have to be faced. 

But as always I will say, one can only advise or give opinions, the end decisions are yours to make. So do whatever you are comfortable with, considering the ways to deal with it, try them at least and at least you won't regret making hasty decisions or make the wrong decision until you realise it's too late. 

Thank you ji for your blessings too. ?? Waheguru. 

[MisterrSingh]

Sounds like a complete and utter nightmare of a woman taking advantage of a good guy, knowing full well that he's too much of a gentleman to do anything about it. This type of behaviour can be traced back to the parents indulging their child in most cases. 

People like that don't change, OP, unless you visibly establish that you're aware a line has been crossed from which there is no return. At the moment you're indulging her, and she's relishing this because she realises you're powerless. Nothing in your relationship and your interactions with her up to this point suggest she has any reason to fear the end of your relationship, so she's conducting herself in a manner that suggests she's comfortable in the knowledge of there being no consequences to her behaviour. I doubt you'll suddenly start laying down the law and change your own style of dealing with her, so you only realistically have two options: 1. Continue mollifying and appeasing her, hoping she has an epiphany about how wonderfully tolerant and accommodating you are due to your desire for making the marriage work. 2. You steel yourself and tell her to buck up her ideas, get the help she needs (and you'll support her as required) but she needs to behave with decency towards you and your parents CONSISTENTLY. 

There are NO half measures when it comes to dealing with people such as your wife. Reason and understanding only come into affect when both parties are capable of such conduct. It's not a one-sided deal. 

Forgive me, but she realises you're weak, and she's making the most of it. That's ultimately what's happening here.

[Guest Thank you Sangat]

On 2/26/2017 at 7:54 PM, Guest Ask her said:

DShe has suggested divorce, so u r right in thinking about it. However the dilemma of ruining her familys life vs ur happiness is hard. Therefore u need more answers n research. And u can only get these answers from ppl involved. So when shes in a good mood, bring up wat she has said about divorce. Say do u really want one? I think she will say No, u r the best. Then say but not all the time, not when u get mad. And I know u will get mad again. You have an issue, because these mood swings happen periodically. Im tired of dealing with it. See a doctor or we getting divorced."

Force her to get diagnosed. You dont want to go further with divorce or having kids until u know more. Is it genetic? Is it curable? Does she even have a condition or is it her personality? Can it be controlled thru pills or she has to work on her thoughts? 

Then once u have this diagnosis, talk to her parents. At the very least, warn them that u r thinking of divorce and why before u divorce her. Discuss ur options with them. If she refuses to get diagnosed, get her parents involved. Tell them u cant continue in this hell, either she gets treated or divorced.

Also, u r saying u want to divorce her because she is more materialistic and has more drive than u. And u think a guy similar to her will make her happier. But u r ignoring the elephant in the room. Will her BPD disappear if she gets away from u? If yes, than i dont think she has BPD cuz diseases dont work like that. And if No, then divorcing her wont help her. 

Anyways good luck. You need to ask her if she wants divorce, if she doesn't then lay down the law.  That she has to treat u better if she wants to keep u. She can do 2 things for that: get diagnosed and control herself to at least not get hysterical.

Secomd discuss it with ur parents and her parents. If this was an arranged marriage, ur parents cant just leave u in the lurch. This was their bad decision n they have to fix it. 

 

 

First off Guest AH thanks so much for taking that time on my request with your reply, i really appreciate it.

Yes you were absolutely right she rows back about divorce when she is not in a bad mood.

Yes it's clear that she has go to counseling (which I am happy to go to as well separately so that she doesn't feel victimised).

You were also right that even if she was with another person the BPD won't go away (though perhaps might not be triggered as often) so counseling is vital either way. Perhaps me saying that I am going to counseling might encourage her to do what's necassary (along with me suggesting that divorce could become a reality if things don't change for the better for both of us).

Thank you

 

[Guest Thank you Sangat]

On 2/27/2017 at 11:02 PM, simran345 said:

Guest ji, I have no idea who you are, but by comparing my challenges to yours, I'm not able to say that I'm in a worse position or better position than you. You see, everybody has their own problems in life and at different phases based on their past karams, or present or even through wrong decisions. Only the person with the problem or obstacles will know exactly what they are going through, and for each person the tolerance level and to be able to either deal or not be able to deal with it will be only specific to themselves and the reactions different also. 

It's good, your spiritual side hasn't been affected, which for myself I can't say it's been easy. There have been times where faith has dropped and rock bottom low. But it's from realising and seeing that I'm not alone, there are others that have their own problems too. 

You are the same as any soul but it's just how to deal with it that one has to learn. It's not been easy for my husband either, he never used to be as understanding, and you are right about what you said, life is full of challenges. When you think one set has finished, then something else starts. You should not compare yourself to others in regards to how your marital relationship is, as you don't know the whole story of what somebody else's is like. Nor should you think of yourself as any less than another, be positive about the future. And ask Waheguru to help you. 

Somebody once said to me, that if we can't change the people around us, then the next thing is to change ourselves. Meaning change the ways we deal with thing or see them from a different perspective and I may see a change.  I did try this a few times and it did work.  I do try to remember to do that, but tend to forget too sometimes. 

About the love bit you mention, my thinking is that it's not possible to love somebody from the word go. It takes time and may take many hurdles to create that connection between a couple. It's like in our community, one can't live with somebody before marriage to get to know the other person properly, that only happens until after marriage, and the care and love develops through time. Some takes quicker than others, but others may be later. All depends on the type of problems that have to be faced. 

But as always I will say, one can only advise or give opinions, the end decisions are yours to make. So do whatever you are comfortable with, considering the ways to deal with it, try them at least and at least you won't regret making hasty decisions or make the wrong decision until you realise it's too late. 

Thank you ji for your blessings too. ?? Waheguru. 

Thank you so much Simran Ji. Your whole message was so heartfelt and I really appreciate it.

I feel so positive and blessed to receive the kind guidance from the Sangat.

I totally agree that usually true love can only build over time after marriage through sincerity.

And hopefully with counseling these issues in the marriage can be solved.

But if there are no positive changes then I know that at least I tried my best.

Thank you

 

 

 

[Guest Thank you Sangat]

13 hours ago, MisterrSingh said:

Sounds like a complete and utter nightmare of a woman taking advantage of a good guy, knowing full well that he's too much of a gentleman to do anything about it. This type of behaviour can be traced back to the parents indulging their child in most cases. 

People like that don't change, OP, unless you visibly establish that you're aware a line has been crossed from which there is no return. At the moment you're indulging her, and she's relishing this because she realises you're powerless. Nothing in your relationship and your interactions with her up to this point suggest she has any reason to fear the end of your relationship, so she's conducting herself in a manner that suggests she's comfortable in the knowledge of there being no consequences to her behaviour. I doubt you'll suddenly start laying down the law and change your own style of dealing with her, so you only realistically have two options: 1. Continue mollifying and appeasing her, hoping she has an epiphany about how wonderfully tolerant and accommodating you are due to your desire for making the marriage work. 2. You steel yourself and tell her to buck up her ideas, get the help she needs (and you'll support her as required) but she needs to behave with decency towards you and your parents CONSISTENTLY. 

There are NO half measures when it comes to dealing with people such as your wife. Reason and understanding only come into affect when both parties are capable of such conduct. It's not a one-sided deal. 

Forgive me, but she realises you're weak, and she's making the most of it. That's ultimately what's happening here.

Thanks a lot Misterr Singh Ji - really appreciate your time on the reply to me too.

I have to admit that I'm just a normal guy (not a perfect one) but one thing I would never dream of doing is causing a woman to cry (for any reason). So at first I thought that the fault was with me. But as the frequent episodes did not stop I started to feel that they could be manipulative acts and as I learned about BPD behavior everything started to make sense.

Yes you are right that option 1 won't ever happen and that I need to be firm for the sake of kindness in terms of insisting that she goes to her GP and gets counseling (even if I do as well). Yes I have never been horrible to her and could never dream of disrespecting her parents so she needs to have same thoughts in her heart naturally in the future, if we are to stay together.

This is what caught me by surprise - i wanted marriage to be a team win-win game (not one person manipulating the other).

So hopefully the truth of our marriage will be strengthened by counselling/treatment/kind behavior in the future.

Thank you