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Guest Sangat please advise
On 2/24/2017 at 10:08 PM, Guest que said:

She doesn't need a 'divorce' but treatment and your support. BPD is treatable and recovery is possible. 

Thank you that's good advice but unfortunately she doesn't want therapy as she believes she has no problem.

I have offered to pay for the psychotherapy but she fundamentally believes that there is nothing with her as she minored in psychiatry.

Though it's treatable in certain cases the patient has to want to want to change their life within themselves i think.

I think she falls into the resistant to change category. But one positive is that I don't believe she has cheated on me.

If you are in this field do you relate at all to the following (that i can relate with)

http://www.sharischreiber.com/anycost.html

https://pro.psychcentral.com/treatment-resistance-in-a-woman-with-borderline-personality-disorder/001369.html

Thank you for taking the time to advise me and I never believed in divorce either but after forgiving her patiently several times in the last 18months I now feel at the end of my tether and feel that married life should be better than this type of hell.

 

 

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Guest Sangat please advise
10 hours ago, jkvlondon said:

you keep saying BPD , but it seems that it is not an official assessed diagnosis... please be her friend and persuade her to visit her GP to get checked out including the PMS . Get her to start taking vitamin B complex especially B3 immediately because the lack of B3 you can become subject to  extreme psychological stress , aggressive outbursts , insomnia/sleep disturbance, worsening of PMS and depression . I hear extreme self-esteem issues and compensating by being controlling stemming from blood chemistry faults

 

Thank you JKV and yes you are right it is not an official diagnosis as she refuses therapy or to visit any shrink (even if i pay).

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

The only behaviors she doesn't do (as far as i know) is take drugs or have sex with other men.

Having said that she cries hysterically if she doesn't get it when she wants and she has a high drive.

I have managed to get her to go to the Doctor's but not to discuss her inner main issues only superficial health issues.

Lucking she does take Vitamin B complex but sadly on the depression/anger/emptiness/crying it hasn't made any difference.

I really wish I could help more but I have tried for 18 months and I feel that i don't break free now I will be dragged down with her as after a while all the depression/tears/criticism of me/running down of my parents has created distance in the marriage.

My heart feels like if i am supposedly the cause of all her problems then maybe we can be happier apart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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So much negativity towards marriage from the posters here.  Marriage is an examination of two persons ability to get on with each other.  Sign of the times, people are more selfish and less patient

marriage is a good thing and so are prenuptials but marriage does come with all sorts of nonsense, such as other people poking their nose into your life, and of course women being crafty 

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23 minutes ago, singh598 said:

So much negativity towards marriage from the posters here.  Marriage is an examination of two persons ability to get on with each other.  Sign of the times, people are more selfish and less patient

marriage is a good thing and so are prenuptials but marriage does come with all sorts of nonsense, such as other people poking their nose into your life, and of course women being crafty 

I believe in marriage and being a good partner if we want to have a good partner in return, it's not about winning in a selfish self-centred way but, supporting and sharing i.e. team win.  Veer ji is trying hard to understand something that is beyond the average experience but there is always hope. I would suggest not saying to someone you need to see a shrink (instantly defensive) because it shuts down the trust and mutual respect. 

Perhaps ask her how she sees sex since she is compensation/medicating her stress that way,  if something at work is triggering the crying jags ... is she looking to get pregnant ? so many possibilities it will take time to unravel , but I still stand by the idea she sees her GP and talks about her problems with the doctor he/she will know how to handle it. 

What is her profession ?

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Guest Sangat please advise

Thank you again JKV. 

And I was careful not to phrase it as "go see a shrink" and I suggested instead that we could both benefit from counseling.

You're absolutely right about the Doctor being able to recommend good dietetics and appropriate counsellors.

Apparently the crying is totally down to me - as i don't give her enough and she feels chronic emptiness which I don't solve.

She doesn't want pregnancy at this stage as it would get in the way of her pharma career (so she knows medicines).

Material progress is more important to her than than inner sukh/shanti. She has no interest in attending the Gurdwara.

I would never say that our marriage problems are 100% down to her but she sees me as either 100% the nicest husband out there or the Devil incarnate when she has borderline episodes and 100% says everything is down to me and has threatened divorce several times - despite me never even shouting at her or disrespecting her. My main faults that i can admit to are that i have a lower nocturnal drive than her, i don't believe in a flash house or swanky car being necassary to be happy in life.

That's why i have thought that maybe she can be happier with someone who can make her happy the way she wants and I could find an ordinary normal Sikh girl not into this histrionic drama continually. But at the same time I don't want her or her family to suffer on account of a divorce. It seems like I either sacrifice my happiness for her family or we try to build new lives.

 

 

 

 

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Guest ji, although I know nothing about BPD, I agree with Jkv London penji, that she should see the docs again. Their professionals will have more knowledge and refer her to other specialists than will help her with all the different symptoms. 

It must be really hard for you, you have been a very patient spouse. 

Jkv penji has covered most of what I was to say, but may I add that sometimes when people are going through depression or the symptoms of their health condition, they tend to try to fulfill happiness from materialistic things, but some tend to go OTT and don't realise it. It's because their souls aren't feeling a connection with those close to them. It could be spouse or family members, so they distract from love of partner or family members to love of things or other people. Atma Di kami hundi a ke koi hega nai ja ke koi chaunda nai. The soul feels empty, and it comes on the family members, which they have to tolerate and deal with, which is difficult for them also. 

I suggest you also get counselling as you are going through a lot aswell through this. It's not just the person with the health condition that suffers, but also those around them it affects. 

The main thing that helps relationships when it comes to a family member having a health condition is love and patience. Don't push her to the spiritual side, she will only do it in her own pace. And if you can get relief from Gurbani or Kirtan, you carry on, because it will be helping you to cope. She may look at you one day and see your love for God, and want to also. It must feel like you are a doctor or nurse and her the patient at times, than a married couple. 

Try to get the marriage routine back in life. She may not want to sit next to you or do her own thing, but keep checking on her, ensuring her she's not not alone. And I hope in turn she comes to see that you do love her and her love comes back. 

All the best with the docs, don't give up. 

 

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Guest Ask her

DShe has suggested divorce, so u r right in thinking about it. However the dilemma of ruining her familys life vs ur happiness is hard. Therefore u need more answers n research. And u can only get these answers from ppl involved. So when shes in a good mood, bring up wat she has said about divorce. Say do u really want one? I think she will say No, u r the best. Then say but not all the time, not when u get mad. And I know u will get mad again. You have an issue, because these mood swings happen periodically. Im tired of dealing with it. See a doctor or we getting divorced."

Force her to get diagnosed. You dont want to go further with divorce or having kids until u know more. Is it genetic? Is it curable? Does she even have a condition or is it her personality? Can it be controlled thru pills or she has to work on her thoughts? 

Then once u have this diagnosis, talk to her parents. At the very least, warn them that u r thinking of divorce and why before u divorce her. Discuss ur options with them. If she refuses to get diagnosed, get her parents involved. Tell them u cant continue in this hell, either she gets treated or divorced.

Also, u r saying u want to divorce her because she is more materialistic and has more drive than u. And u think a guy similar to her will make her happier. But u r ignoring the elephant in the room. Will her BPD disappear if she gets away from u? If yes, than i dont think she has BPD cuz diseases dont work like that. And if No, then divorcing her wont help her. 

Anyways good luck. You need to ask her if she wants divorce, if she doesn't then lay down the law.  That she has to treat u better if she wants to keep u. She can do 2 things for that: get diagnosed and control herself to at least not get hysterical.

Secomd discuss it with ur parents and her parents. If this was an arranged marriage, ur parents cant just leave u in the lurch. This was their bad decision n they have to fix it. 

 

 

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Guest Sangat please advise

Thank you so much Simran Ji.

Very kind of you to type that helpful advice above (which I will follow like JKV Bhenji's) in relation to trying to get her to go to the Doctor's about this.

Given the challenges you have faced and still faced my issues are nothing. They really aren't. My Chardi Kallah hasn't been affected overall even though the continual episodes are troubling when they erupt. 

Your materialism makes total sense. Honestly I'm just an ordinary man and nowhere near as good as your husband or Angelo Singh. It's clear to me that wife has never truly loved me and was never really ready emotionally for marriage but I will try my best to ensure she gets the treatment she needs so that we can both have a better future somehow.

All the best to you always Simran Ji

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