Ugh Need Some Help: Battling With My Identity

[Guest enteryourname]

Hey everyone,

So I have been lurking this forum for quite some time, and I really like the help that everyone is getting. A lot of the people that post here are very intelligent in the Sikh ways and I hope you guys can help me out too, being that I don't know a lot of Sikh people besides my immediate family.It's only fair that I post my story so that other people can gain insight from my situation as I did.

So I've been through a lot mentally, so I'll try to leave out the details. Basically I've been going through a lot with coping with my identity. I grew up in a Sikh family and I was having thoughts of cutting my hair and beard. I didn't want to tell anyone because I knew it would hurt my family, so I kept it in trying to battle it on my own. I didn't know a lot of Sikh people besides my close family, so I've been on my own for the most part.

However over time, it got harder and harder. I was suppressing my emotions while I was with them, and was bottling it all in. After a few years of this, I had to tell someone. Eventually, we were bickering back and forth on discussing this matter and going nowhere fast. There was going to be no middle ground in this, and both of us knew that.

Fast forward about 8 months later. I cut my hair and beard. I feel a lot better when it comes to my appearance, but its still not enough for me. We don't have the discussion much anymore, besides a few times when my dad says that it hurts him when he sees me. (When I go home, I wrap a turban on out of respect for my family. Yet it is still implicit that I did get it cut.) Not only does that add on to my guilt, I think about my family members who kept their identity and are doing well. I think about where I went wrong in my thinking that lead me to today.

I love my family so much that I hate hurting them in this way. The last time I got my hair cut was in mid-July, and my mother was very happy that I haven't gone to get a haircut recently. It's things like this where my guilt clashes like a golf cart and a semi truck. I love my family so much that I don't want to hurt them, yet I'm conflicted with what I want to do. Even yesterday I went to the hair salon, but I couldn't go inside with the feelings of my family going through my mind, so I turned around and left.

If I am really honest with myself, I like the way that I look now then the way I did before. I was even surprised about the reactions I got before and after; they are more positive now. But it's tough to maintain because of all the factors that I have mentioned before; with my family and those who kept up with it.

I guess what I'm alluding to writing in this post is that my conflict has stayed the same. Before when I had my identity, it was my views vs the family views. And now after the fact, the game is still the same.

Has anyone or does anyone know of anyone that has been through the same thing that I am going through and can share their experiences? My scope is limited because I don't know a lot of Sikh people, but from what I gather, its either an all or nothing thing: I've seen families where either they are all Sikhs and keep their identity, or families where none of them keep their identity. Not split like the situation that I am in.

Any input would help. Thanks in advance for reading this and for your help.

[Guest guy]

Why focus so much on appearance......What do you think isbestfor your soul in the long run?

[Wicked Warrior]

I've seem families where the whole family eat meat, drink and cut their hair but one child will take Amrit and remain true to Sikhi.

God has given you a brain to make decisions, and a body so you can live in this world. Whatever action you take has consequences.

Your conflict will always stay the same irrespective of family because you yourself have struggled to make a decision. Your family will always struggle to accommodate your changes. It's a bit like saying you're gay - it will come as a shock, and some family members won't want to know you and some family members will be okay with it.

Have you addressed why you want to cut your hair? Or why you regrew it? Your family will come and will go in this life. You might choose to live peacefully with them and keep your hair, or you might cut it again and leave. Or you might leave and then keep it still. Too many outcomes. Too many unknowns. Only God is the true knower of things.

Why is your appearance so important to you? What is it about having your hair cut that appeals? Why are you so affected when your family have kept their hair? You need to look at questions like these first.

[innergear]

Are you insecure?

[ASinghKhalsa]

You wrote If I am really honest with myself, I like the way that I look now then the way I did before. I was even surprised about the reactions I got before and after; they are more positive now.

Who gave the positive reactions?? Not the Guru.... the worldy people may have welcomed ur cut hair but not the guru.

Guru Gobind Singh Ji says BINA SHASTER KESAN(G) NARAN(G) BHED JAANO

GEHE KAAN TAAKO KITAI LAI SIDHAANO

EHAI MOR AAGEA SUNO LAI PIAARE

BINA TEG KESAN(G) DIVO NA DEDARE

Meaning, without hair a man is a sheep because anyone can grab him from the ears and pull him around. They say it is the command, that without adorning the kirpan and without keeping kes (hair- 1 of the 5 kakaars), you cannot get darshan.

Guru gave his four sons for the sons today.... Wat answer will u giv to Guru Gobind SinghJi when u leave the world?? those who liked the cut hair will not be present then.... but wat will u say to Guru Ji? what will u say to Shaheed Bhai Taru Singh Ji?

U need to go get sangat more of Khalsa and do japji sahib da paath minimum and ardaas.

[Findingtruth]

What a human life.... :stupidme:

God made relations, then he says to live being emotionless, this life teaches you a new lesson every second :tease:

Do what your heart says, listen to your inner instinct only that can provide solution to your restlessness.

[Bundha]

So to recap, you wrestled with your identity but ultimately cut your hair and beard and became clean shaven. You feel good with your new look and you have had admiring looks and comments and this makes you feel good also. You feel guilty about your family but you can live with it.

Just keep in mind that people are fickle, one day you are flavour of the month the next day the same people will ignore you. You get comments from people and this makes you feel good. This life will be over in a blink of an eye and all those admiring people will also be gone all that will be left is you and your actions, and then you will have to answer for those actions.

You have come to this earth many many times before and each time with a new family and new friends and relations, all are now gone like tears in the rain. These new admiring friends will also go the same way. The only true constant in your life in your Guru.

Your Guru has looked after you from the moment you took your first breath, whether you believed in Him or not He has looked after you and will continue to do so. If you follow His path He will look after you when you depart from here, but you have chosen to take a different route one that does not include your Guru. You feel good that people treat you differently and you get admiring comments, these people who you put so much reliance on are themselves lost and you are going the same way. You have made your bed so lie in it, there is no need for you to feel guilty, live your life the way you want to only at the end will your realise the truth and then it will be too late.

How glorious would it be if you got a smile from your Guru? How amazing if your Guru gave you a great comment?

[hsingh68]

Don't know why my previous post got deleted?

I have been through a similar situation to you where I have cut my hair and dhari but my reasons were different and probably worse because I was amritdari. Anyway I hope this will help you decide what you want to do and how you can mentally come in terms with what has happened.

It all started when I was young and my family all used to go to the gurdwara and attend the weekly sunday diwaans. Although the problem was the parchaar at the gurdwara was really militant and it involved the use of fear tactics and guilt so people would take amrit. They used to say "the jamdoots will smack your head in and the only way to be saved from their strikes is by taking amrit" and "only people who have taken amrit will get liberated the others are subjective to the reincarnation cycle which is painful." Also they used to call everyone paapi and manmukhs who didn't take amrit. That these manmukhs were wasting their time by doing path and simran because it doesn't count as they haven't taken amrit and haven't learnt how to do naam from Guru. Guru is angry at these manmukhs!!!

All the above scare tactics and guilt trips made me and my family take amrit. Well it's been over 15 years since I had taken amrit and to be frank my family persuaded me to keep my kesh and tie a pagh as it comes with rules for taking amrit. I was also willing to follow all the rules and rehits that came with taking amrit as well because it would keep my family happy and it would mean getting this mukhti and guru's love. So for the last 15 years I did everything from following rehit and japping naap with as much love for God. For the first 5 years I struggled following rehits and adjusting to the new lifestyle which came with the package but what was painful was eating out of Iron plates! Eating from amrtidharis was another tough thing to do because it was so few of us. Waking up every morning at 1 am and staying awake (attending amritvela sangat) till work was really difficult and in this time doing naam and gurbani was also tiring. The worse thing was I also did panj piareah di seva a few times and made a lot of amritdhari friends in the process where I would regularly attend the gurdwara.

This continued for 10 years and by the 10th year I was exhausted following this tedious routine and I told my family I can't just keep you happy all my life. I had to make a stand on what I wanted to do and live how I wanted to otherwise I would look back and regret how I lived trapped all my life supposedly following a superior lifestyle, which it never was. But my family begged me that if I cut my hair it would mean humiliation for them and they would disown me. I cried and explained to them that I can't live this lifestyle it hasn't made me happy all this time and all they cared about was what others would say. So and so's child has cut their hair and he was amritdari what besti it was for them but I told them this shouldn't matter to you because I am your child and you should try to make me happy and not what others want. My family begged me and told me to try for a few more years and I reluctantly agreed to this. I tried my best to increase my pyar for sikhi by doing as much seva as possible did over 50 paats of SGGS and lots of naam so Guru ji could knock some sense into my mind so my family would love me and I would obtain guru ji's charan.

I was still unhappy and so after 15 years of taking amrit I decided to cut my hair and my family were angry but after a few years they have calmed down and accepted me for who I am. But I remember at that time my dad in particular lost it and gave me a number of threats and he said that if anyone asks me about you I will say you are dead and I have no son.. and further he said if you ever get married don't even dare ask me to attend as you are dead to me. He also used to complain to God for why they had given them a son. But things have calmed down since then and my life has taken a much positive turn and I am much happier. Since then i have also done a lot better in my job and social life, which has helped my family believe that I am not just a black sheep and am still a good person.

I believe wearing a turban out of respect for your family is not a good idea from experience (I tried a lot of things to keep my family happy after cutting my hair) because it will give them a false sense of belief that you are coming back into growing your hair again (unless you are) and when you cut your hair next it will just crush them again. Be firm and tell them what you want in a respectful manner otherwise you will look back later in life regretting it. Show your family you are still a good person with cut hair..

[VanHelsingh]

@ hsingh - Takes balls to admit all the above. I don't think it's good to judge anybody especially having not walked in their shoes, but there's always a way back, brother. Sometimes life just takes us off into strange directions. I hope you find your way back.

[hsingh68]

@ hsingh - Takes balls to admit all the above. I don't think it's good to judge anybody especially having not walked in their shoes, but there's always a way back, brother. Sometimes life just takes us off into strange directions. I hope you find your way back.

Thanks I guess but I really don't want to come back. Life is so much better than before I could explain why but I don't think it would be a good idea to write why on this forum. This forum is about promoting the identity and not deterring people away from it.