This summoned it up pretty well. I know relatives from the UK who have married back home and have now divorced having brought the girl over. I don’t want to end up in a similar situation or in an unhappy marriage for the rest of my life. I don’t want to drag some poor girl half way round the world only for to end up in some council flat by herself stranded with no one and divorced. That would just destroy me and make me feel even worse.
She has said to me on many occasions that ‘I don’t like her’. I think she has caught onto my true feelings. I am not into this marriage at all. One is the fact I feel I was emotionally blackmailed into it. So, I am just not making as a much of an effort.
My main concern is for the girl. I don’t want any harm to come to her and I am trying to minimise this as much as possible. I was just thinking of owning up and saying we rushed into the whole thing.
I am thinking about what would be best in the long term. In the short term bringing her over would make her family and herself happy initially. But in the long term if we broke up and separated that would crush the family even more. Who wants their daughter to end up being divorced and all alone in a foreign country with no hopes and future. At least if she is India they will have control of their daughter’s destiny and future and she will be supported. In the UK she has no one. I don’t want to be responsible for this.
First of all, I did not consummate the marriage. In fact I tried my level best to avoid any intimacy whatsoever. I was not sure about the whole marriage in the first place so intimacy was the last thing on my mind.
Forced marriage, emotional blackmail, making me feel guilty. There were many elements that got me to say yes. It was not as simple as someone forcing me with a gun to my head.
I was told if I backed out of the marriage at the engagement stage that all hell would break lose. They only way of getting out this marriage was to postpone it and have a proper think about it when I returned to the UK. But this option was not given to me. The decision was made in a highly pressurised situation. I was told that a lot of our relatives would never speak to us if I broke it off. Hence why it was not easy to just break it off. I am sure everyone is aware of how Asian families can be in these situations especially when you are abroad from your comfort zone
Really after the engagement there should have been a break before the wedding. Which is actually the norm nowadays. But this whole marriage was rushed from start to finish. No one had any time to think radiationally. The engagement to the wedding all happened within a space of 4 days.
The bottom line is I don’t like the girl. We have nothing in common. There is no attraction or spark for me to have that I can work on to create more of an attachment and feelings for her. The only feelings I have for her are feelings of guilt and responsibility for her as I married her. Other then that She just feels like a stranger to me. For her it is the other way around she likes me and finds me attractive. But I can see it hurts her as she knows I have no feelings like attraction towards her back. I even feel guilty for having no feelings for her. The marriage and relationship just feel toxic and wrong with both of us unhappy.
My 2 options are to end it at this stage.
Or bring her over give it my best shot to make the marriage work and see how it goes like some poster has said. But I feel I will always have in the back of my mind that I got married to someone that I never really liked or knew deep down. Currently I have no feelings towards her and do not like the girl. Infact its sad to say this but I actually dislike her.
Weather my feelings will change when I bring her over I have no idea. I don’t have much experience of being in any serious relationship’s before. So I am not sure if love and attachment can form between us further down the line or if this whole thing is a recipe for disaster all I know is it’s a pure gamble at this stage if I do this and I am not the type that likes to gamble.
Thanks for your advice.
I am not entirely sure that is her motive. She does not seem the type that is just out for a passport. Infact at first, she did not want the marriage in the first place. The girl herself was reluctant to do the wedding. I have now heard that her family also pressurised her to say yes. Its like we both did not want this happen. Her at the beginning and me towards the end.
The girl is not all bad. She has made an effort and has been kind and polite with my parents. Which is one good thing. Its just us the couple that are not getting on. We are having arguments and its just a couple of weeks into the marriage. It does not bode well for the future. I think deep down she is a nice girl but not my type. I think being from a poor background she has a different upbringing. Without going into to many details we just don’t seem to click with each other.
The main reason for our arguments is she says I am being distant and do not love or like her. The truth Is I don’t love or like her. Its difficult for me to put up this fake act all the time to make her feel happy. I can’t pretend to like or feel attracted to someone if I am not.
Yeh, I am not sure how she will behave and act when she gets here. From my gut instincts I think it’s a bad idea to bring her over. At the same time, I have family honour and respect to think about. Above all I don’t want to be saddled with the guilt of abandoning the girl. I feel I should at least give it my best shot to make the marriage work at for the sake of the girls parents and family. These people at the end of the day trusted me to marry their daughter. I don’t want to throw it right back at them. It seems a cruel thing to do to just walk away. I am not sure what I can tell them. That I did not like their daughter so I am ending the marriage now. Like many have said. These types of marriages were the norm for our elder generations. But I do get your point. I have heard of many stories also of girls from back home who are just out to their passport stamped and settled in the UK.
Let’s just say If I knew before that this girl was like this I would never have agreed to the marriage. But that is the price you pay when you don’t get to know the girl before the marriage.
I had the exact same thoughts before I went to India. I never thought I would end up in this situation with marrying someone without talking to them first. I am actually in shock that this whole thing actually happened. It all happened so fast I did not have time to think. A lot of the families down there were ultra conservative and would not let much chat happen before the marriage anyway. I went to India completely unprepared and did not know what I was doing with the vicholas and finding the right ristas.
If it was the UK we would have taken our time and done the proper research. Being over there it’s an unfamiliar situation with not knowing the local customs and the way things work. We were completely out of our comfort zone and depth. Obviously if we went back and this all again. We would learn from our mistakes. We would make sure more then anything that we spoke to the girl which I think is one of the most important things you can do. We did actually follow this protocol with every girl we saw except this one.
Yes my plan was to compensate for all costs from the wedding on their side. But I have still not made up my mind on what I am going to do. I will take a note off all advice and try and come to the best decision as there is a lot at stake. Its an easy decision for me If I am just looking out for myself. But now I have to think of family issues and most importantly the girl herself. I don’t want to ruin the girl’s life, break her heart and hurt the family.
I will try and make the best decision possible for all that are involved. That might involve people being hurt to begin with but I hope in the long term it will be the best decision for everyone. Yep I dont want to be in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life.. I have always been told that no marraige is better then a marriage that is unhappy.