californiasardar1

Marriage, The Perception Of Beards And Turbans, And The Future Of Our Religion (My Story)

138 posts in this topic

1 hour ago, californiasardar1 said:

 

I don't really have a plan.  I have moved back in with my parents and have focused on taking care of them, sorting out my career, and exercising.  I haven't been looking for a girl, haven't been going to the Gurdwara, haven't kept in touch with the Sikh community.  From time to time, I feel a sense of deep regret, like I've missed out on something.  And I wish my parents had grandchildren they could play with and look after.  But overall, I am happier now than when I was trying to meet a girl.  Life goes on.

I posted on this thread again because I had an experience recently which brought back the emotions and thoughts I had when I was trying to meet a girl, and it made me wish the situation for me and people like me was different, and that something could be done about it.  Perhaps if there was some support structure for young men during their formative years, they could come up with a better way of overcoming this obstacle than just ignoring it and moving on with their lives.

Be your own source of support, my friend. I use to lament the lack of empathy or institutions designed to cater to some of the unique situations we as foreign born Sikhs find ourselves in. I guess I just got tired of waiting for the "other" to lend a helping hand, so I began to toughen up and embodied the support I was craving. 

It's good that you're taking care of your parents. Just play it by ear and see where life takes you. But don't confuse Sikhi with the rank and file Sikh community. Sometimes it's confusing to see where the distinction is, but it's there. Don't let any form of resentment eat away at you.

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3 hours ago, singhbj singh said:
nimakh kaam suaadh kaaran kott dhinas dhukh paavehi || gharee muhath ra(n)g maanehi fir bahur bahur pashhuthaavehi ||1||

For a moment of sexual pleasure, you shall suffer in pain for millions of days. For an instant, you may savor pleasure, but afterwards, you shall regret it, again and again. ||1||

image.jpeg

Are the 2 in the picture married or was it Fornication? It makes a huge difference.

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On 2/14/2017 at 4:06 PM, MisterrSingh said:

Be your own source of support, my friend. I use to lament the lack of empathy or institutions designed to cater to some of the unique situations we as foreign born Sikhs find ourselves in. I guess I just got tired of waiting for the "other" to lend a helping hand, so I began to toughen up and embodied the support I was craving. 

It's good that you're taking care of your parents. Just play it by ear and see where life takes you. But don't confuse Sikhi with the rank and file Sikh community. Sometimes it's confusing to see where the distinction is, but it's there. Don't let any form of resentment eat away at you.

 

I understand the importance of having a "can do" attitude, but if we can do something for younger Singhs, we should. 

My parents' generation could not provide any support and guidance because of the cultural barrier, generation gap, and the emerging hatred of Singhs that they did not have to grapple with.

Now we have a generation of Sikh men with their dhari and kesh intact who have been raised in America, Canada and the UK.  We are in a position to reach out and, at the very least, provide more understanding and support than our parents' generation did.

 

This goes beyond Singhs' problems with girls.  Just having some "big brother" types who could provide advice and facilitate activities and habits that build confidence and self-esteem for young Singhs could really help them in many different aspects of life.

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36 minutes ago, californiasardar1 said:

 

I understand the importance of having a "can do" attitude, but if we can do something for younger Singhs, we should. 

My parents' generation could not provide any support and guidance because of the cultural barrier, generation gap, and the emerging hatred of Singhs that they did not have to grapple with.

Now we have a generation of Sikh men with their dhari and kesh intact who have been raised in America, Canada and the UK.  We are in a position to reach out and, at the very least, provide more understanding and support than our parents' generation did.

 

This goes beyond Singhs' problems with girls.  Just having some "big brother" types who could provide advice and facilitate activities and habits that build confidence and self-esteem for young Singhs could really help them in many different aspects of life.

Ever since the supremacy of Dhan Dhan Sri Guru Nanak Dev Ji has been questioned with the "all religions are equal", society our Panth has lost its confidence. Even some great preachers are now saying lies like you can meet Vaheguru from any way.

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22 minutes ago, californiasardar1 said:

 

I understand the importance of having a "can do" attitude, but if we can do something for younger Singhs, we should. 

My parents' generation could not provide any support and guidance because of the cultural barrier, generation gap, and the emerging hatred of Singhs that they did not have to grapple with.

Now we have a generation of Sikh men with their dhari and kesh intact who have been raised in America, Canada and the UK.  We are in a position to reach out and, at the very least, provide more understanding and support than our parents' generation did.

 

This goes beyond Singhs' problems with girls.  Just having some "big brother" types who could provide advice and facilitate activities and habits that build confidence and self-esteem for young Singhs could really help them in many different aspects of life.

I think the foundations for that thing is now around. 

It's just given our community, what you will get a lot of, is 'tough love', especially for males. 

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3 hours ago, californiasardar1 said:

I understand the importance of having a "can do" attitude, but if we can do something for younger Singhs, we should. 

My parents' generation could not provide any support and guidance because of the cultural barrier, generation gap, and the emerging hatred of Singhs that they did not have to grapple with.

Now we have a generation of Sikh men with their dhari and kesh intact who have been raised in America, Canada and the UK.  We are in a position to reach out and, at the very least, provide more understanding and support than our parents' generation did.

 

This goes beyond Singhs' problems with girls.  Just having some "big brother" types who could provide advice and facilitate activities and habits that build confidence and self-esteem for young Singhs could really help them in many different aspects of life.

I agree with all the above. I just think with the way the winds are blowing in the West, being able to honestly and accurately assess one's state of mind and then find a way to create solutions without leaning on a third party is important. For those in dire straits, I think you're right, they do need someone to guide them to even ground.

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42 minutes ago, MisterrSingh said:

I agree with all the above. I just think with the way the winds are blowing in the West, being able to honestly and accurately assess one's state of mind and then find a way to create solutions without leaning on a third party is important. For those in dire straits, I think you're right, they do need someone to guide them to even ground.

You're spot on with that one. 

I think they call it 'mental toughness' or something? 

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Just now, dallysingh101 said:

You're spot on with that one. 

I think they call it 'mental toughness' or something? 

That's the one. 

I reckon it's more than 'can do.' 'Can do' suggests to me bulldozing through one's problems without much thought; almost a haphazard, thoughtless attempt to get on with things as best you can. Sitting down and honestly and genuinely trying to uncover the root of the issues that are plaguing the individual - even if that means some pretty unsettling and stark introspection - is essential for a man, dare I say more so for someone who considers themself a Sikh.

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45 minutes ago, MisterrSingh said:

That's the one. 

I reckon it's more than 'can do.' 'Can do' suggests to me bulldozing through one's problems without much thought; almost a haphazard, thoughtless attempt to get on with things as best you can. Sitting down and honestly and genuinely trying to uncover the root of the issues that are plaguing the individual - even if that means some pretty unsettling and stark introspection - is essential for a man, dare I say more so for someone who considers themself a Sikh.

I agree. I think this is one of the main mechanisms for us to confront what is referred to as our 'haumai' or ego. 

On the flipside, the above practice can also help one uncover ugly (and discreetly hidden) truths about the society in which we live in too. 

Is it a chicken and egg situation though? Don't we have to be mentally tough to start with, just to go down this route? 

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14 minutes ago, dallysingh101 said:

I agree. I think this is one of the main mechanisms for us to confront what is referred to as our 'haumai' or ego. 

On the flipside, the above practice can also help one uncover ugly (and discreetly hidden) truths about the society in which we live in too. 

Is it a chicken and egg situation though? Don't we have to be mentally tough to start with, just to go down this route? 

Great question. From my own experiences, i stumbled across these realisations completely by accident, or perhaps that's how it felt to me, and I was being guided by an unseen force be it internal or external to me? Regardless, as I said it was almost a complete fluke that my mind began working in this manner, mostly because I had literally no other place to turn to. Yet I do believe there's got to be a basic sense of prior self awareness and self knowledge to be able to reach even the most elementary of beginnings. Where does that originate from: Is it a God given blessing of insight? Is it a cumulative growth of understanding stretching back decades that's fostered by a curious mind, that seems to click into place once a person is confronted by certain issues and emotions?

I think there's something in the saying, "When the student is ready, the master will appear." I think it ties into another saying, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink." Both phrases seem to place an emphasis on the individual in question putting in the necessary legwork in order to be worthy and prepared to embark on the road of further discovery ahead.

Edited by MisterrSingh

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10 minutes ago, MisterrSingh said:

Great question. From my own experiences, i stumbled across these realisations completely by accident, or perhaps that's how it felt to me, and I was being guided by an unseen force be it internal or external to me? Regardless, as I said it was almost a complete fluke that my mind began working in this manner, mostly because I had literally no other place to turn to. Yet I do believe there's got to be a basic sense of prior self awareness and self knowledge to be able to reach even the most elementary of beginnings. Where does that originate from: Is it a God given blessing of insight? Is it a cumulative growth of understanding stretching back decades that's fostered by a curious mind, that seems to click into place once a person is confronted by certain issues and emotions?

I think there's something in the saying, "When the student is ready, the master will appear." I think it ties into another saying, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink." Both phrases seem to place an emphasis on the individual in question putting in the necessary legwork in order to be worthy and prepared to embark on the road of further discovery ahead.

I think I had to learn it the hard way. It's only as I got much older that I got some space from the over-emotional/sensitive nature that I had since a child. It was probably a mixture of brutal experiences over the years and an innate desire to understand behaviour (firstly other people's, which led to the realisation that as humans, we can all behave pretty similarly, just to different degrees or extremes). 

I guess it is a blessing to be able to embark on the journey itself, though (as I'm sure you've experienced) it very often doesn't feel like that. lol We could've very easily been born without the cognitive faculties to analyse and perceive things like we do. 

Ignorance is bliss - this journey involves forgoing that. 

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Very sad topic/thread indeed.  

Edited by sikhojaago

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