I Humbly Ask For The Sangats Advice

[NK2010]

WJKK WJKF

Hi,

If anyone can help me I would greatly appreciate it.

I am an amritdhari singhani and have been married to my husband for over 3 years. From day 1 we have had problems due to his bad temper. When he loses his temper he is very verbally abusive and swears, shouts and throws things. When I first married him I was horrified at the way he spoke to me but being so newly married I thought it was an adjustment thing and that he would settle down and grow to care for me so as to not shout at me the way he was. Since then we would fight (as normal couples do) but he would be unable to let it drop and would get abusive, I would end up just sitting there and crying while he continued to shout at me. Guru Ji blessed us with a child and even that has not changed him. Now it has come to the point that when he loses his temper he has started pushing me around and has also been very rude to my family members. I had kept this all a secret till a few weeks ago when I was forced to tell my parents as he walked out on me and we were meant to be going to a day out with my family.

Everytime these episodes happen he is very apologetic afterwards and I forgive as he promises it wont happen again. He has continued to swear and shout in front of our young child even though he promised over and over again that he wouldnt!!! This really bothers me as it really affects him and he starts crying as he also gets very scared.

Everything came to boiling point a few weeks ago and he walked out on me (probably for the 50th time!!!) after stating he didnt want me. I rang my parents and they came and got me and took me to my family home- where I have been since.

I dont know what to do, Im so confused. I feel that I have done everything I can, I have forgiven him over and over again, I have done ardas and took hukamnamas for guidance. I felt before that Guru Ji wanted me to continue but the last hukamnama I was blessed with made me feel that Guru Ji was telling me to look at my sikhi and that he is a part of the worldly illusion. I dont know, I have a child and therefore its very complicated. I just feel so fed up of being treated this way, surely this is not what married life is meant to be??!!! Im scared and feel very alone.

WJKK WJKF

[Wales85]

I am so terribly sorry to hear about your situation. IMO this is far too serious a matter for you to seek advice about on this forum. No one on here can understand everything about your situation. Can you not discuss the matter with your parents? Even have a sit down with him and your parents?

Physical violence is never acceptable in a relationship. Even pushing around. That is something that you can go to the police about.

and no, this is not what married life is meant to be like.

[Hanu]

I second that, that this is not ultimately the place you should be looking for help. Hukamnama has already spoken, so you have the religious front already directing you. It is typical of abusers to apologize profusely then abuse again, apolotize profusely, then abuse again, ad nauseum. They are sick people, they need help, but until they get a lot of it, you are stuck with a lot of pain and humiliation, fear, and potential violence and even death. Go to your family's house and contact a hotline for battered wives, and if you need quicker help, the police. It's not just your pain any more, it's your kid's too. And don't feel sorry for your husband. Sick though he may be, any man who mistreats a woman has lost his deservingness for pity. Best of luck to you. I don't know your name, but I will keep you in my prayers.

WJKK WJKF

Hi,

If anyone can help me I would greatly appreciate it.

I am an amritdhari singhani and have been married to my husband for over 3 years. From day 1 we have had problems due to his bad temper. When he loses his temper he is very verbally abusive and swears, shouts and throws things. When I first married him I was horrified at the way he spoke to me but being so newly married I thought it was an adjustment thing and that he would settle down and grow to care for me so as to not shout at me the way he was. Since then we would fight (as normal couples do) but he would be unable to let it drop and would get abusive, I would end up just sitting there and crying while he continued to shout at me. Guru Ji blessed us with a child and even that has not changed him. Now it has come to the point that when he loses his temper he has started pushing me around and has also been very rude to my family members. I had kept this all a secret till a few weeks ago when I was forced to tell my parents as he walked out on me and we were meant to be going to a day out with my family.

Everytime these episodes happen he is very apologetic afterwards and I forgive as he promises it wont happen again. He has continued to swear and shout in front of our young child even though he promised over and over again that he wouldnt!!! This really bothers me as it really affects him and he starts crying as he also gets very scared.

Everything came to boiling point a few weeks ago and he walked out on me (probably for the 50th time!!!) after stating he didnt want me. I rang my parents and they came and got me and took me to my family home- where I have been since.

I dont know what to do, Im so confused. I feel that I have done everything I can, I have forgiven him over and over again, I have done ardas and took hukamnamas for guidance. I felt before that Guru Ji wanted me to continue but the last hukamnama I was blessed with made me feel that Guru Ji was telling me to look at my sikhi and that he is a part of the worldly illusion. I dont know, I have a child and therefore its very complicated. I just feel so fed up of being treated this way, surely this is not what married life is meant to be??!!! Im scared and feel very alone.

WJKK WJKF

[Only five]

Going to the police will only make everything more complicated and make things worse than they are now. Putting charges on a person does not get them healed from their mentally imbalanced state(it enrages them even more). He needs mental help and the best way is through consulting doctors and for him to take a Hukam to help him resolve this mental problem. Get back on doing paat everyday and read Sukhmani Sahib.

A person that shows this kind of behavoir is most likely depressed himself and takes his fustration out on others because he can't face what is causing his depression or does not know what is causing it. This depression stems from somewhere. Obviously it would not be a good idea for you to suggest he is depressed. But get a doctor to tell him, what is going on with him. He is more likely to listen to him and take his advice. Talk to someone close to him that he will listen to and that person can suggest or demand he sees a doctor.

You have a kid with him so whatever you do make sure it's well thought out, which can be hard to do when your suck in this situation. A kid growing up without his father is hard enough and then the complications of custudy battles, puts a real big dent in a kids life. Bring in some elders that are not likely to favor one side over the other and they will be really helpful in solving your problem. Or atleast direct both of you in the correct direction. Him saying he does not want you is an emotional response and it really has no truth behind it. He's an emotional wreck and whatever comes to his mind he does and says. He's a victim of his own mind and it became a vicious cycle where you became a victim aswell. Don't tolerate the physical abuse, so give him time to cool off and think through his problems.

Do get help for him in one way or an another. A sick as it sounds, due to him pushing you out of his life, he wants someone close to him, like you to help him out with his issues.

[Singh559]

Physical violence should not ever be tolerated in marriage. Being a 19 year old who is the eldest of two, I've seen quite a bit in terms of how people change over a span of time.

I'll PM you the rest...don't feel like posting it all in detail in public.

[hum nirguniar]

Fateh penji,

I was doing research on abused women and came across this.. I think it will definitely help please read the entire document even though its really long.

http://www.angelfire.com/trek/baldev/res/default/womenabuse.pdf

Fateh Ji

[S1ngh]

If there is no physical abuse involved then I agree with Only Five that going to police will make situation more worse and no point of reaching any compromise in near future. Stay strictly gupt when discussing this issue on public forums and it is always good to get views from other young married sikh couples (friends) whether in person or online (here).

Phaenji, Please do understand that the separation or divorce doesn't end your life at all. The process and time phase is very tough and confusing. ppls around you will start blame games and finger pointing (ignore that). What you are going thru is the start of something either positive (he realized his mistake) or negative (he will stick with his mind). It is time for third party (common friends or vichola or elders) to come into the playground. I would highly suggest you to send the common friends (ignore relatives but just good friends) to him and clearly tell what you want him to be or changes u want to see in him in order to save the marriage. They will definitely come back to you with a long list of changes he want to see in you; never reject on spot; sleep over it and think about it.. Compromise plays important role but all depends on issues.

No ego should be involved during this phase. If they don't want send any party to you for any compromise then take a step in sending your parents or relatives and see if anything is workable or not. Most likely they will say.. It is you who left him not him.. (very typical thing to happen).. Just use help from guru sahib, keep strict amritvela and devotion towards gurbani and waheguru ji always take care of his young sons/daughters regardless of what mess we are in.. Take one step toward waheguru, he will take thousands to reach you.

[Singh559]

If there is no physical abuse involved then I agree with Only Five that going to police will make situation more worse and no point of reaching any compromise in near future. Stay strictly gupt when discussing this issue on public forums and it is always good to get views from other young married sikh couples (friends) whether in person or online (here).

Phaenji, Please do understand that the separation or divorce doesn't end your life at all. The process and time phase is very tough and confusing. ppls around you will start blame games and finger pointing (ignore that). What you are going thru is the start of something either positive (he realized his mistake) or negative (he will stick with his mind). It is time for third party (common friends or vichola or elders) to come into the playground. I would highly suggest you to send the common friends (ignore relatives but just good friends) to him and clearly tell what you want him to be or changes u want to see in him in order to save the marriage. They will definitely come back to you with a long list of changes he want to see in you; never reject on spot; sleep over it and think about it.. Compromise plays important role but all depends on issues.

No ego should be involved during this phase. If they don't want send any party to you for any compromise then take a step in sending your parents or relatives and see if anything is workable or not. Most likely they will say.. It is you who left him not him.. (very typical thing to happen).. Just use help from guru sahib, keep strict amritvela and devotion towards gurbani and waheguru ji always take care of his young sons/daughters regardless of what mess we are in.. Take one step toward waheguru, he will take thousands to reach you.

/agreed

[MokhamSingh]

Penji

There is a definite solution to this problem. The spouse or other family members are the embodiment of our pararabdh{past deeds}.

Read/listen to srisukhmani sahib 5 times a day. Place a jug of water by your side. Afterwards drink the water yourself and use it for tea/cooking etc. Give the water to your spouse too{in tea etc.}

You will see the results within days.

This is totally guaranteed to work.

[Singhstah]

I suggest going to the panj pyare together and explaining your problem to them. At Khalsa Camp we had Gursikhs tell us about how they're marriage problems, though not as serious as yours, were all resolved when they appeared in front of the Panj Pyare together and they never had any marital problems at all after that. I think they can do ardas for you and tell you what steps to take.

If you are in the UK there is an amrit sanchar on october 23. You can do pesh with your spouse infront of panj there.

Oct 23 2010 to

Oct 23 2010

Raensabaayee Keertan

7:00 PM to 5:00 AM

Derby

Sri Guru Singh Sahba Gurdwara

Princess Street, Derby, DE23 8NT

- Gurgadii of Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji -

Please contact Bh. Taurnjeet Singh for Amrit Sanchaar, see number in contacts

Bh. Tarnjit Singh (Coventry)

Phone: 07877888874

Bh. Rajinder Singh (Derby)

Phone: 07966974505