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Gay Brother


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To tuhiNirankar bhenji,

When a punjabi boy or girl marry, they dont' only marry to one spouse. They marry to whole family.

Look at your own family. Now analzye how you are attached to your bhuas, chachas, tiyas, massis, mamas.

It matters. Brother is a close relative.

I also know families in which a girl ran off with a boy and parents boycotted her. Even though she is in no touch with parents, but situation comes back and taunts from time to time.

Because realtives, onlookers would mention her name from time to time. Thats just part of our society. Its like you have a broken finger. It taunts you from time to time for not having it, doesn't it??

my opinion of course, you may have different opinion based on your experiences.

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Some of the posts I've read so far are causing me some concern, no offense to earlier posters at all ji. But, trying to "change him" may not be the right thing to do.

This situation is one where there is not a lot of answers coming from sikhi but more of a cultural perspective.

I've read some earlier posts where people say it's just kaam. But the latest research says that, as we all know, gender is determined in womb, but now it's going further to say that when your having a male baby, there are female structures in the brain that are scarred by the testosterone allowing for the child to think like a male. A deficit in testosterone at that point of the pregnancy causes the part of the brain that imparts female qualities to remain and therefore gives you a gay child. Those are people who are born being gay.

Some people also choose to be gay depending on the nurturing environment they grow up in as a child.

What I'm trying to say is....well, it's a question we all ask? Is it ok to be gay? I'm not sure. Can we call it an illness, a physiological problem? I know I'm posting more questions than answers, and to be honest I don't like thought of two men or women being married, to me it seems unnatural, BUT would I ever condemn a gay couple because of their choices? Never. If they are just trying to live their lives as they see fit, who are we to stop them?

Another way of looking at it is when people from other cultures look at sikhs with our dastaars and kesh, they think we are unnatural. Does that give them a right to stop us?

Just food for thought, and to the poster I pray that your family is reunited!

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no no i totally agree,

i was showing my perspective as "the girl" who wouldnt have any problem with it------>> as being a girl that is amritdhari and born in a western country,

As for family they will do the background check but i belive ppl need to get over it not everyone has a perfect family,

yes i have heard when u get married in punjabi culture u are marrying the family, so yes i would want to marry into a good-natured family,

i personally would not feel baychti in such circumstances, while punjabi ppl just like to talk crap bout eachother so that the attention is on other ppl, while at the same time they dont want ppl to talk bout their family,

Like for example i am showing how our parents have more sharm then us,

So we had a Sukhmani Sahib program at our home,

Someone was needed to do the seva of taking Maharaj the saroop back to the Gurughar

My mom told my Dad to do the seva, because she said he should and she has "sharm" as in she feels sharm in doing the seva of bringing maharaj to the gurdwara on her head,,

I said i want to do the seva, my mom wasnt very "khush" but i did the seva and i feel No Sharam, I am Guru Gobind Singh Jis daughter, why would i not do my beloveds service?

the main thing is it could be a issue for ur potential wifes family,

My cousin got married to a Girl and her Dad told my Thai ji infornt of everyone that my Older daughter married a white guy,,

the thing is we have to be open, its not good to find out things from others,

so in the future have ur father and her father talk bout it,,

iQru Gir bYshu hir jn ipAwry ]

thhir ghar baisahu har jan piaarae ||

Remain steady in the home of your own self, O beloved servant of the Lord.

siqguir qumry kwj svwry ]1] rhwau ]

sathigur thumarae kaaj savaarae ||1|| rehaao ||

The True Guru shall resolve all your affairs. ||1||Pause||

Maharaj will take care of everything, take Gurbani as ur support ;)

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I think i will tell me wife but not in the initial stage but when we become close and she get to know me properly you know.

When you choose to wait until you become "close", you are leaving the other person less of a choice. You are putting the other party, the girl, on a guilt trip. you are giving way to sentiments to come in the way.

Please don't do that.

Do it before you become emotionally involved with the girl. Knowing each other better, is different than being close. You definitely don't wanna wait until the stage of being Close. You are making yourself and her victim of being emotinally hurt. Hurtaches are not easy to deal with. So please refrain from it.

so you do have to choose a right time, where girl get to know you but still have the thought-of room to decide.

Tute dil naa juRde, ve dil toRi naa

naa apne aap nu victim banao, te na doojiya nu. We are all humans and all feel the pain when get hurt. We show it or not, thats different story. How quickly we recover back from heartaches that depends upon the person and situation as well. I won't want to see another post here in few months where a girl says what should I do, I like the guy very much, but me and my family can't digest the fact that a brother left the house for this reason. or you posting that I got to know this girl, she loved me and this and that, but as soon as you told her about your family situation, she stopped returning your calls, msn, emails etc.

word of advice from a sister................

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veerji, tusi mainu aunt de tor te ta nahi promote kar rahe :-))

I do get annoyed if someone more than 10year old says aunt to me, unless I am actually aunt of someone.

looks like UK tv have some agony aunt kind of talk show or drama, or something like that where you are getting the name from.

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Two people can do whatever they choose. But in Sikhi there is no way a marriage between gay people can be conducted.

In Sikhi you don't even have to marry. You don't have to have kids. Kaam whether toward a man to man or man to woman or woman to woman or woman to man all needs to be controled. How in the world can you be in love with Satguru Sri Guru Granth Sahib ji when your mind is occupied with kaam or love for dust(human body).

Being gay isn't a option or people that are intergendered are not able to change their ways. Kaam exist in every individual and we can say by this logic that kaam can't be defeated(mukti is no more now). Being gay is just as wrong has being heterosexual. Both act in kaam and live in kaam. Both need to rise above kaam and live as Satguru Sri Guru Granth Sahib ji says.

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At the end of the day I just want my brother back because we have lost him. We know for a fact he will never come back ever! so its like he has died or something. I dont really like to think what he gets up to now he has left home...i dont know what to think anymore.....all i have left now is pic of his graduation where he used to wear a turban and was the brother I remembered.

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To the OP

If you were to do a survey of all the families that have “skeletons in the closet”… it would be the majority of them. Some are easier to hide, some remain in the closet, but anyone with an ounce of maturity would tell you that it might be more the norm to have a family that defies ‘pleasantville’. Ask people who have some life experience and they will likely confirm this.

Also if you were to ask people with some life experience, it is likely that a relationship with your brother and you and his family will return. It will not be the same relationship, but it never is even without such disclosures. Relationships with friends, family change over time. The past can never be recaptured, gay or not. In your case the relationship may be altered even more, but there will likely be some equilibrium where you can have mutual respect for one another.

A Sikh is constructed, not from blood, but by conscience. Clan and caste is not part of sikhi. Humanity is your brother and sister. It is the person you lean on or who leans on you that day. That could be your neighbor, co-worker, or a stranger. And Khalsa is always your confidant. Is your brother caring and honest? Many caring and honest people have brothers who are 'straight', racist, dishonest and willing to hurt people. They are perhaps able to hide their brother easier, but which is really a better brother?

Regardless of what one’s views are toward homosexuality, the fact is that group of people are absolutely unfairly discriminated against for reasons that have nothing to do with any intelligent views. The reasons for discrimination have more to do with narrow mindedness rather than intelligent thought on any controversy. I don’t support or advocate homosexuality per se, but because a group is oppressed, I have empathy for their struggle to be respected as humans.

Letting a potential future partner know will likely result in you being able to screen for a more mature, more compatible, more intelligent future partner.

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