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Gay Brother


Guest Gupt Sibling
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Guest Gupt Sibling

Well our family had its ups and downs like most families but nothing could prepare us for when my brother told me first he was gay and then he told the family it devastated us. When he told me he had a serious secret to tell me i went blank and when he told me i went numb. I told i still loved him because he was a brother but call me selfish i was saddened as i would never get to be an uncle or my children one day would not have cousins. As soon as he told me I knew he couldnt live with us anymore because of the lifestyle he chose btw i am a religious sikh but amritdhari. He eventually went on to cut his hair which i saw coming but when he did it i was angry but resigned myself to the fact that, thats how it is now. He left home and has cut himself off from family including me i.e. not answering calls or emails msn etc. Im moving on with my life and developing my sikhi but my parents cant do that and dont know how. They keep saying they have lost a son but i have also lost a brother.......i dont know what to do or say......Ill be honest i didnt like gay people before and now that my brother is one.....im beginning to hate them more now.......its time for me to get married too and parents keep saying dont tell ur future wife about ur brother but im not the lying type and i cant lie for him but it hurts when ppl ask whats your brother doing now etc i have no answer except he is living away from home etc.....i keep thinking would a woman want to marry a guy like me with a family with such difficulties.....im not perfect but im proud to say i dnt drink, smoke, eat meat and havent got a past etc but even tho i love my family they have always been my concern.....normal people in my situation would of gone mad turned to drink, *etc.* and then blame their actions on the family situation i guess i have had those thoughts but sikhi keeps on saving me......i dont know what my question here is i would just like sangats answers.......

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. It would be helpful if women answered as well because i do have an issue about the whole marriage thing as stated about it would be nice to have a womans insight.

VJKK VJKF.

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Guest shastr

.......sorry to say, but first time every hearing about gay sikh youth. i honestly dont know wat to say bhaji. this is really weird to react on. i cant imagine how ur parents must have felt when they learned of this. did you guys see anything un-normal before he actually told you guys, or did it just come as a big shock? if you dont mind sharing, how old is ur brother?? and now that he is living away from home, is he staying with his partner?

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Guest Gupt Sibling

.......sorry to say, but first time every hearing about gay sikh youth. i honestly dont know wat to say bhaji. this is really weird to react on. i cant imagine how ur parents must have felt when they learned of this. did you guys see anything un-normal before he actually told you guys, or did it just come as a big shock? if you dont mind sharing, how old is ur brother?? and now that he is living away from home, is he staying with his partner?

It came as a total shock but he isnt a youth but an adult. Nevertheless it doesnt changes things. You will be suprised how many gay/lesbian sikhs are out there, im just glad my parent didnt do what others may have done like take him to India and force him to marry a girl.

http://www.forcedmarriage.net/casestudy1.html

Sukhvinder is now 27

Sukhvinder was told that a relative was ill and was tricked into going to India. Once there, his family took his mobile phone, passport and money. The male members of his family told him that they knew about his sexuality, and that he would have to remain in India and marry a girl already chosen for him from the village. When he refused, they beat him.Sukhvinder managed to contact the British Consulate in India, who helped him return to the UK. Once home, the FMU put Sukhvinder in touch with organisations that have worked with him around issues of sexuality, depression and stress

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Hanji, you asked for women's perspective. So I will comment on parts of your post about finding a spouse for you only.

Its truth of your family today, so it has to come out eventually and will, even if you try to hide. So its not healthy for you to hide.

But I would not spit out in the first meeting with a girl. You are not out there trying to put down your family. You consider girls and the one who looks like matching to your expectations in life, you share with her and can even mention to her not to go tell 20 people out there that this is the situation. If she wants to reject you on that basis, let her. Its ok. Move on. Don't come back here and start a new topic, that a girl rejected you for your brother being not straight. Instead move on thinking that girl didn't deserve you anyways. As whoever it is eventually, has to accept you all with all your life facts, at least the most obvious ones. Life doesn't end with one girl denying. There are countless other good ones out there.

Theek aa jee.

just little advice on being it hard on family. Just accept it as GOD's will. (This choosing to be GAY or naturally GAY issue generally confuses me. I have no idea how to comment on that).

When someday somebody gets in a serious accident and looses a limb, we accept that, don't we??

It will be much easier if you and your family accept the fact and move on.

Let him do whatever he is doing. You can't control his actions. Instead what you can do is control your actions and your response to the whole situation.

To give peace of mind to everyone in house, you guys should do at least one Sukhmani Sahib da path everyday. It will change the vibe in your home.

Veerji, stay in chardi kala. Bhuliya bhatkiya kde ghar aa jaooga. Baba jee te bharosa rakho. Tuhanu sirf brother dee fikar aa, par vaheguru jee nu sabh dee aa. Bas ardas kar de riha karo, ke uhnu sidhe raste te pave.

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Guest shastr

i feel sorry for you guys bhaji, especially for ur parents. do you think ur brother is willing to come back? or maybe go to those therapy centers or maybe see somebody who can help him get back to the way he was? i dont even know where people can get help from for this kind of stuff, im sure there are centers out there for people who want to be back to normal and stuff.

sorry im not of much help, like i said, this is the first time i came across this situation. maybe you can try to talk to ur brother, and see where things went wrong?

hopefully other members on the board can be of better help.

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Guest Gupt Sibling

I dont think he is coming back to be honest with.....I miss him you know and i am angry that he left. I used to think that when he and I got older we could support each other and our families like other brother's do, so it hurts. Parents are rushing to find me a girl now......i dont mind i want to get married.....anyway thankyou AmarjitKaur for your advise I think i will tell me wife but not in the initial stage but when we become close and she get to know me properly you know.

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I know a such a beautiful simple bahut hee bibi kuri who got married with a boy. They spent so much on this marriage. Ist marriage in house, eldest out of all three girls. Kuri found out in few weeks or days. But she kept quiet and didn't tell her family about it. Thinking that he would change. eventually got divorced. I was so hurt to hear after about a year or so about it. Such a nice kuri and this happens to her. NOt good.

Parents married him thinking that he would change. BUT NO.

Girls should not be punished. Indian/punjabi parents do this all the time. apne vigRe hoye munde nu sudharan vaste viah kar dinde ne ke kuRi aape aa ke sidha kar lavegee.

They don't think that they are throwing their own responsibility on an innocent girl. I just feel bad for girls then. And I do ask SOCIETY, WHY??

Pahilan mundiya nu jiada laad piyar de ke vigaN lainde ne, fer ihee munde sir chaR ke bolde ne, chalo huN kuRi labh ke nath paao ehde.

apne keete dee sza kise begani dhee nu kiyon?

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Guest shastr

bhaji, there is one thing i heard in katha. giani ji says no matter how somebody is, you can change them with just mool mantar.

so if you guys can do mool mantar da paath for ur brother, and keep jal next to you while you do it, but then you would have to give that jal to ur brother to drink. which might be a problem. but if you can get him to drink it, it might change him. its worth a shot.

or you can do sukhmani sahib da paath for him.

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Another Girls Perspective,

If i was getting married i would focus on how my personality and beliefs match with the perspective partner,

i really to tell u the honest truth care if ur brother was gay, altho u guys are not talking rite now i would in that situation still be open to talking to and having a relationship with a gay brother-in-law,,

thats just me, sum girls could realli care but i dont see it as a huge issue,

To tell u the truth it is more baychti for the family if a daughter runs away, a daughter running away is so shameful ppl are to ashamed to face others,

but thats our parents generation,

our generation we live in kaljug everyone has kaljugs fire in their homes

PrIdw mY jwinAw duKu muJ kU duKu sbwieAY jig ]

fareedhaa mai jaaniaa dhukh mujh koo dhukh sabaaeiai jag ||

Fareed, I thought that I was in trouble; the whole world is in trouble!

aUcy ciV kY dyiKAw qW Gir Gir eyhw Aig ]81]

oochae charr kai dhaekhiaa thaa(n) ghar ghar eaehaa ag ||81||

When I climbed the hill and looked around, I saw this fire in each and every home. ||81||

The thing with desis is that they do a background check be4 marrying their daughter off,

but u having a gay brother has nothing to do with u,

if i had a sister that was a <banned word filter activated>, that to me has no shadow on me or my future, we go our separate ways,

so why would my husband care? if i have no relation with her?

best of luck,

Bhaji dont worry their are alot of open-minded girls out there,

If you cant see God in All you Cant see God at All

I also reccomend that u dont hate ur brother, only love will bring him back,

PrIdw bury dw Blw kir gusw min n hFwie ]

fareedhaa burae dhaa bhalaa kar gusaa man n hadtaae ||

Fareed, answer evil with goodness; do not fill your mind with anger.

dyhI rogu n lgeI plY sBu ikCu pwie ]78]

dhaehee rog n lagee palai sabh kishh paae ||78||

Your body shall not suffer from any disease, and you shall obtain everything. ||78||

For the time being read sukhmani sahib and Anand sahib to soothe ur pain, Only Bani can give us peace of Mind, the rest of the World is just pain,

Our family is not gonna go with us when we die, so try to break off ur attachment from the inside, so u can attach ur self to maharajs beautiful charan sharan<3

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duKu dwrU suKu rogu BieAw jw suKu qwim n hoeI ]

dhukh dhaaroo sukh rog bhaeiaa jaa sukh thaam n hoee ||

Suffering is the medicine, and pleasure the disease, because where there is pleasure, there is no desire for God.

Guru Sahib is our Doctor, if we take Naam (the medicine) only then will our pains depart<3

myrw bYdu gurU goivMdw ]

maeraa baidh guroo govi(n)dhaa ||

My physician is the Guru, the Lord of the Universe.

hir hir nwmu AauKDu muiK dyvY kwtY jm kI PMDw ]1] rhwau ]

har har naam aoukhadhh mukh dhaevai kaattai jam kee fa(n)dhhaa ||1|| rehaao ||

He places the medicine of the Naam into my mouth, and cuts away the noose of Death. ||1||Pause||

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