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Dad'S Drunk


Guest ANNOYED.
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Guest ANNOYED.

Waheguru Jee Kaa Khalsa, Waheguru Jee Kee Fateh

I have a problem ...I’m an amritdhari girl, and the only amritdhari in my family. I’ve been having problems with my father lately, he’s been drinking way too much. He drinks a lot, and on top of that he does other drugs. He basically comes home everyday drunk and drugged. I’ve always had faith in Guru Sahib, that he can do anything and everything. I still have faith in Guru Sahib but like i feel that my dad will never stop drinking. I know i just contradicted myself because i said i have faith but then i said i dont. Its hard to explain, but i mean i know Guru Sahib can do anything, but its like i dont think he’ll ever make my dad stop drinking. I feel really guilty for saying this, but thats just how i feel. I’m begginning to hate my dad. Everyday he comes home, and i just hate the look on his face. Everytime i ask him “are you drunk?” he lies to me and tells me “No, i’m not, even ask your mother” and my mom fully says that yeah he is. But he keeps lying. I dont know what to do! Ugh. I dont know. Sometimes i just feel like taking my keski off and go back to doing the stuff hes doing. Like if hes not going to stop then maybe if he sees me following his example, then he’ll change himself. I dont want to do that, but i feel like, maybe i have too. And sorry if i havent been clear. And everytime me and my family try to talk to him about taking medication, he says “Mai bamaar nahi” (i’m not sick); when CLEARLY, he is! He’s like mentally retarded when hes drunk. When he’s sober, i love him and hes great. But when hes drunk, i rather not have a father than have one whos always drugged.

ANY ADVICE, TIPS, HELP would be greatly appreciated.

Waheguru Jee Kaa Khalsa, Waheguru Jee Kee Fateh.

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I grew up in a non-amritdhari family and the best advice i can give from experience is to accept everyone for who they are and dont push your own standards of living on them: you will be a lot happier that way.

It isnt your responsibility to stop your dad drinking, or act like a parent to him and tell him what he can or cannot do, although obviously there may be a problem if there is alcohol and meat in the house which you need to work out with your parents.

And no you dont have to take your keski off to make him stop drinking - I dont think that will help him or help you

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You no doubt already know this, but you cannot control anybody other than yourself and you only have responsibility for yourself in this life. so getting down in the muck with someone who's getting dirty is unlikely to help the situation. I understand you're hurting, but sometimes these things need time. just stick to the Guru's teaching as best as you can and pray for him. Maybe have an open honest convo with him when he's sober. You've probably done a lot of these things already. If so, sometimes the only thing a person can do is wait and pray that your father's heart overflows with compassion and shame and he realises how much his actions hurt you. I hate to say this, but you may need to distance yourself a bit from him emotionally in order to prevent yoru own heart from being too hurt. I'm not saying to reject him, I'm just saying that it is totally ok to set appropriate emotional boundaries so that you can live a full life. but turning from the Guru's path (your true father of many janams) to show your biological father (of this janam only) what it's like when someone sits in the muck is unlikely to help.

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Your in a tough place, but the best things you can do is be the best Khalsa.

Other ways would be when the family is sitting around eating roti together start up a convo with your mom or sibling of Sikh martyr who put their life down for Sikhi. Don't make it to obvious that your trying to tell him, just keep the convo between the rest of the family and keep him out. Sooner or later he'll jump in and say something. Most likely it'll be something negative, but don't take it to heart just keep the convo going and then just move on to another martyr and what he did for us. Sooner or later he'll start getting the point your trying to make.

Another way is good if he is ashamed of his drinking when he sobers up. Video tape him when he's drunk, but be cautions some ppl don't like being video taped and if their drunk they might get physical with the person who is making them feel uncomfortable. If you do end up video taping him then when he is completely sober that means his hang over is gone and everything, then show him how he acts and talks to the family when he is drunk. He'll feel guiltly and ashamed. And hopefully that'll make him stop drinking, but if hes an addict then he'll have to slowly stop.

Another option would be just to talk to him when he is sober and has no hang over. Talking to a drunk person or a person that has a hang over is like talk to a brick wall. You can smack that person, beat him to the inche of his life and still no affect on him. So wait till he is completely sober and have a deep discussion with him on how you are being affected and if you have sibling tell them to share how you guys feel when he gets drunk. Explain how more stressed out you are and it's affecting your grades, life in general. Just the immediate family should talk to him. No outsiders because that can only aggrevate the problem where your dads ego will be hurt and this will only cause him to drink more. Hes a Punjabi and they have huge ego and they don't want anyone else out of their immediate family telling them how to run their life. Lastly offer to help him stop drinking and taking drugs.

Just don't be force full on him. And if he doesn't change or if he drinks less than before or less times out of a week just accept it. You can't change a person who does not wand to be changed. It's hard for a person to take in that one of their parents is going to be a drunk for rest of his life, but as Khalsa we rise above these negative ways and live according to Guru Sahib way.

Lastly the worst thing you can do is started behaving like him. All this will says to him is that, all this Amrit taking and wearing dastar, doing paath is nothing and it does not work and there is no consquences for bad actions. You'll become an excuse for him not to stop drinking and taking drugs.

I forgot, start doing Sukhmani Sahib the paath. The energy in the house will change.

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Guest Get Happier.

WaheGuru Jee Ka Khalsa! WaheGuru Jee Kee Fateh!

Phenji,

It is a blessing that you are an amritdhaaree girl. And being the only amritdhaaree girl in your family shows that Guru Sahib chose you, and the blessings suggests Guru Sahib has showed His love for you more. Being amritdhaaree is a direct blessing to that individual soul. At the end of life, no family whatsoever go along in the journey hereafter, so do not do anything against your sikhi whatsoever, everything else let the karams play out in time. Look at it from 2 points. One have faith in Guru Sahib, and 2 that Guru Sahib gives you strength to go through it. Choteh Sahibzadeh went through hardships, so did so many shaheed singhs and kaurs in our history. Think of this has a sort of hardship, but still not as difficult as you are surely aware of Khalsa History. So use the faith you have in Guru to make YOU stronger. Anything can happen anytime, don’t think your dad wont stop ever stop drinking, and at the same time, don’t give your self more frustration until he stops. Keep yourself strong. Don’t even think of taking your Keski off and doing stupid things. Be stronger and show your strength, and do your best, but don’t lose your strength and be in high spirits, infact, become in higher spirited, even more chardhi kala, because Guru Ji is giving you more strength from within, showing you don’t care so much, even though you care, but you are still strong and happy. And don’t worry about what he tells you, or what your mom tells you, alcohol is a sickness, and usually people who are sick, don’t want to tell their children. But you are a child of Guru, so you be strong and you be high spirited happy. Your happiness will balance it more, and in fact, the happier you are, the more they will want to be happy too, and the more they will want to be happy, the faster they will leave alcohol and other dirty habits. Use Guru Ji to give you strength from inside yourself, not from outside to change others. Let Guru Ji make YOU stronger. Don’t even think about taking your Keski off, you become even more happy and get that strength from Guru to make you stronger from inside. When the Shaheeds and Gursikh Khalsa in our history went through tough times, they took strength from Guru Sahib to make themselves stronger, even if the others around then didn’t change, and they remained happy, that’s why they could even turn down offers of riches and palaces and all kinds of worldy things because they got strength from Guru Ji for Inside themselves, not to change the outside, so be strong inside, and then automatically the outside will change too. But not only remain strong and happy, get even stronger and happier. I hope I kind of made sense. Stay happier and stronger, make your strength for sikhi for yourself even stronger. And if he is nice to you, tell him you are angry with him too (like with Nakhra) and you be even happier and never even think of taking your Keski off or doing stupid things. You be the perfume that gives the nice scent.

I hope I have not said anything wrong.

WaheGuruu Ji Ka Khalsa! WaheGuru Ji Ki Fateh!

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_ANNOYED_ bhenjee,

O sister, the situation you have highlighted is a tale into which are intricately woven, commitment to and understanding of being an Amritdhari, faith in God, the psychology and mental health of an alcoholic, and the response of those who love him and human pain.

You dad suffers from a destructive addiction. All you can do in your capacity is to try to get him to a GP and request that he is referred to an in house NHS mental health centre that will help him get cured of an addictive personality and then get him to join AA and NA meetings regularly. Alternatively, if your family is wealthy, get him admitted for 2 weeks in the nearest Priory clinic to your town. Normally this too requires a GP to refer him first to a psychologist/psychiatrist who then arranges with the Priory clinic. If you are underaged below 16 or 18, you could go to Social Services who will intervene on your behalf to make all this happen. You need to tell your mother what I have just told you, and tell her you cannot tolerate this situation anymore and it needs to be resolved immediately. This is affecting your own psychological state of mind and peace and triggering in you feelings of hate and confusion which are bad for your own mental health in the long run.

In no way, must you make a link between your dad's problem and your Amritdhari state and have any desire to follow his alcoholic manmatia ways. He has a psychological problem and an alcoholic and drug problem. His brain and liver cells are probably diminishing too and this is a medical problem. Why on earth should you ever want to leave your clean healthy ways, and follow your dad's self destructive habits and ways. There is no logic in this, even if you are feeling helpless and desperate and depressed because of the hell in your home.

Hence you need to stick to your chosen lifestyle as an amritdhari. Everyone comes into this world with their own past karmas for which they get both rewards and sufferings. At the end of each person's life, we leave behind those whom we love, and carry on our own soul journeys. Hence you can care for your dad, and try to help him and that would be very kind, but you have your own life to care about. Remember you are not just a daughter. For others you are a sister, one day you will be a wife, then a mother and so on. Let not your dad's problems deprive all this people from your love and your role as an inspiring amritdhari in their lifes, including too those with whom you study or work and all your friends.

Becoming an amritdhari is far more special than you can imagine. Its the final culmination of your millions years old soul journey whereby Gurujee Himself has saved you from the maya matrix and made you His daughter. As an amritdhari your are a Kaur i.e a princess, in fact you are now a warrior princess. So you need to live your life as a warrior princess. Your keshkee symbolises that you are not meant to be weak but strong, confident, assured, bold, creative and dynamic. I hope you are taking gatka and other self defence classes, going to the gym and doing swimming so you are physically really fit and able to defend yourself and eating a healthy diet that prevents fat building up. Try to strengthen your amritvela waking up time, do nitnem and a healthy dose of simran and also have a sehaj path of SGGS always on the go with explanations so you are very clear about how to be a gurmukh, think , talk and act as a gurmukh. Also makesure you have amritdhari friends you can hang out with and go to any Sikh camp during summer which is coming up soon.

After your amritvela prayers and evening prayers, always include your dad in your ardas, and rather than worry too much about your dad , focus on preaching Sikhi to whoever you can. Stay committed to Sikhi and in time you will be victorious. I hope you are also studying/working hard and making a suceess of your studies or career.

Remember, you are not the only one who has to face this problem. Your dad's problem must not be over dramatised and emotionalised and allowed to fester and destroy the lifes of those around him. It is a clinical problem which needs urgent medical attention. If your family refuse to understand this and let it carry on, you may soon need to start thinking of leaving your home, as you are a young individual who deserves better parenting.

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Humkire ji, I usually agree with you, but on this issue I think forcing her dad into rehab is the worst thing to do.

It depends on her dads character, but majority of the punjabi dads have such big of an ego that they rather leave their family then go to rehab. Going to rehab is a sign of weakness and humiliated for them and the whole town will know he went to rehab for a drinking problem. All this means is that the family will be labeled in the punjabi community as those ppl. And I assume you grow up with punjabis and know they care 110% about what others think rather than for their health and family. And if an outsider force him to go then be prepared for cops and her dad will most likely be in prison for a day or two for trying to assualt a family member or the social worker. A sober dad with an ego is enough to cause huge fights and when you put addiction of alcohol in it, then it's going to be the fight of the dads life.

In my opinion they have to break the ego he has bit by bit before they can even mention rehab. On thing they can do is get the family doctor involved where the dad goes for regular check up and his blood pressure is checked. He being a alcoholic it will come up high and a doctor telling him if he goes on like this he will lose his life will help break the ego.

If her dad has a character where he agrees easily and admits he's wrong from time to time and the punjabi community gossip and opinion mean very little to him then it's possible to tell him you need professional help and he won't mind if he's forced to go by the family.

It's a sensitive issue and needs to be dealt with care and planning.

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Only five Jeeo,

I was not implying in any way force. I am suggesting a very practical and time proven method if this case is in the western world. You put some amount of pressure and coax the person , talk to them , and persuade them to get to their gp. The gp based on whatever the wife says together with her husband would suggest a course of action which can be straightforward regular outpatient counselling or he may refer the person to a mental health expert who may then recommend either outpatient or inpatient therapy at some sort of mental health clinic, not necessary rehab. All of this is done confidentially. The emphasis in mental health today is to refrain from using the rehab and more on helping patients understand addiction and an addictive personality, and group and other sessions to get to the root of such a personality, how to cope with it, how to overcome addictions, how to help the family give the person better support and how to place the person in a support system.

You are right in that this is a complex and sensitive issue that can affects a family's standing in society and hence the route i suggest is one which ensures a high level of patient confidentiality. I have first hand experience in this matter because of family and thats a very painful chapter in my family's history and i understand with great pain what this young bibi is going through. At the end of the day, an issue like this can be handled in all kinds of soft ways which prolongs suffering and pain at the expense of maintaining the family's respect and standing within the community, or it can be held by its horns and turned around.

This bibi has a right to responsible parenting, a right to have a peaceful, safe and trusting home environment and in the west this can be achieved by proactive action, unlike the traditional punjabi culture in which i was brought up where all of this is kept under cover and allowed to fester with damaging long -term psychological effects on the children. If its handled carefully no one would even know her dad is receiving medical help.

If this was a 'mild' case , i would agree that it could be sorted out through coercion and without any sort of rehab. However, I have read through her post very carefully and after deep consideration of the seriousness of the situation, I have no choice but to recommend as I have in my reply, whether or not you think its right. In life, sometimes you have to be solve a problem with swiftness and resolve, confidence and boldness. I have calculated that enough persuasion will help this man get to his GP . There is a psychology that operates in an alcoholic whereby they do know that they are on a wrong course but live in self denial. A fair amount of stern and firm handling will put this man in a spot to follow his wife or some senior member of his family to his gp and confess all and ask for help.

In fact, I have just spent the last 2 weeks visiting one of the top bank managers in this country at one of the Priory centers in the UK who is a friend, a white man. I had advised him 3 years ago to stop drinking alcohol. Recently, his drinking led him to a near mental breakdown situation and he went to his gp, got referred to a psychiatrist who then booked him in to the Priory. After a week in there, he finally decided to give up all alcohol and is now recovering fast and should be back in work soon. All of this has been handled very confidentially with only a mininum amount of people knowing about it.

Whatever happens, this bibi has to stick fast to her amritdhari life and do whatever is necessary so her dad is receiving treatment, and her mom, her, and her siblings are living in a safe, loving and peaceful environment. God bless this family and lets all do humble ardas for this family and bibi.

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Guest ANNOYED.

Thank you everyone for your replies and advice. I really appreciate it lots.

i totally agree with you SunSingh Jee, but i just get so sick and tired of it sometimes because i want him to stop drinking and i’m just waiting for the day he will, but since he hasn’t stopped but instead increased the amount of drugs he does, it just makes me say this, even though i hurt saying it

Thank you Only five jee for your advice and the various ideas you have offered, i’ll try all of it and Sukhmani Sahib, i’ve started 2 paaths a week... with Guru Sahib thee kirpa, i’ll be keeping up with that.

Get happier phenjii... thank you and no you haven’t said anything wrong. Thanks for taking out your time and reminding me to be stronger.

Humkire Jee, my family has already thought of getting help with the approval of my dad, but he doesnt want help, as he claims thats hes perfectly fine... thanks for your tips&advice. And thank you so much for your last words... my only ardaas left is that Guru Sahib makes my dad stop drinking.

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