Guidance

[Guest Anon]

The reason i say he is continuing to sin, is not as in the same way it was towards me but because his amrit is just an outward appearance. Who am i to judge him though. I know he does not do any path. simran, seva and i know he eats meat. Therefore i dont think he has asked for forgiveness in what he has done in his past.

The reason i find it hard to forget it is not for myself, whats happened to me has happened. Theres no going back on it or changing it. And please dont think it was the worst crime that can be committed but it definately wasnt what a father should be doing to a daughter. The reason it all comes back to me is because now i have a daughter, and i am afraid for her when she is around my father. I cant not go round to my parents because that would then raise questions. I am just afraid when she is spending any time with her grandfather and find myself constantly checking to make sure she is not alone with him and if she is i tend to go into the room too.

i spent most of my teenage years doing this too as i had a younger sister, but by the time she was born he had taken amrit, so maybe it was no longer the case but i still felt i needed to make sure no one was alone with him.

That is the reason though i can say i can forgive him for what happened to me i cant say the same thing if it happened to my daughter. For a start i would never let the situation arise where she would even be in that position. I feel if i forget what happened then i am not going to be on guard for my daughter. does that make sense?

[Guest ਏਕੋ.ਸ�]

It makes perfect sense, Bibi. You've done your job well as a sister and now as a mother you are doing great. Keeping your daughter under guard while she is around your father is your duty as a mother. You want to protect your daughter's innocence. The innocence which was taken away from you during your childhood. But Ji understand that you associate these two things; your daughter's childhood with your own childhood. This keeps you in constant fear. What if, what if, what if... Your mind questions you in fear, all times.

This is not it though, you are not just afraid of your father being around your child but you also afraid of others as well. This is understandable. Your father has shaken up your trust so why even bother trusting strangers. And in a time like this, it is only beneficial to be so concerned about your child. But wait, think, are you over doing it sometimes? Maybe you are stopping your daughter from evolving. Maybe you are stopping her from growing because of your fearful past. Don't live your childhood vicariously through your daughter's. It's not fair to her. This is why you need to forgive yourself for the sake of your child. Talk to your daughter about this matter, if she is old enough. Let her know why you don't want her to be around your father. She needs to know. You don't have to go into details with the child. Just tell her that her grandfather is mentally sick, it is a sickness Ji, and you want her to be careful around him, if necessary away from him and never to be alone around him. Proper education about such matters makes one alert and aware. This is why it's important to talk to her.

You've spent your childhood in fear, your teenage years in fear and concern of your sister. At least live your life from hereon. Your daughter's childhood, make it as happy as you would've wanted yours to be, this is your second chance, second childhood. Live it. You know Amrit, it does a wonderfully great thing, makes us stronger if the Naam given after the blessing is recited as instructed. It makes us stronger 'within'.

As for your father not doing paath or eating meat, let him do his deeds. All you can really do is 'pray' for him. That's it. Let Maharaj Ji handle everything else. Your materialistic father will unforunately have to give answers to all his deeds. This is for sure. Maharaj Ji does perfect justice. No questions.

aadeeth dharam, ati dheeth karm.

For sinful deeds, God's justice is strongly JUST; one has to pay dearly for making his beings suffer.

But Ji, everything occurs on it's correct time. Even Kansa wasn't punished by Sri Krisna until the correct time came. To really understand this know that the human body is given to those who have done previous bhakti. Kansa, a powerful king of his time, had done a lot of bhakti. Naam has that much power---Bhakti. It can save you as long as it's with you. This is why Maharaj Ji gives us naam when he blesses us with Amrit. But it's really up to us, if we use this blessing correctly. So when Kansa burnt all his bhakti with his sins, he was only then punished accordingly. Just pray for your worldly father that he realizes what he's been doing or is doing.

Stay happy Bibi. He wants you to smile without any useless fears of useless people. He loves you unconditionally. You are his daughter not this worldly father's of yours. You belong to Akaal Purakh. But don't question him as to why he let such things happen to you if you were if his daughter. Ji, we have taken many many forms in the past lives. Many many lives have passed. Many bodies were changed. We haven't a clue as to what we've done previously. And thank god for that, it's a blessing that we don't remember our previous lives. Otherwise, it would have been hard to breathe. Just thank Maharaj Ji for giving you the strength and the courage to have a chance to be with the Lord again. He's forever forgiving and merciful. And he loves you. He loves you. Unconditionally...

Much happiness and peace comes with the recitation of his Gurbaani...make sure you don't miss out on this blessing.

ਰਾਮ ਰਸਾਇਨ ਪੀਉ ਰੇ ਕਬੀਰ ॥੪॥੮॥

Rām rasā▫in pī▫o re Kabīr. ||4||8||

Drink the Lord's sweet elixir(Naam), O Kabeer. ||4||8||

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh.

[Guest Anon]

Vaheguru ji ka Khalsa vaheguru ji ki fateh.

I originally posted my questions here back in November and was very grateful for the help and guidance I recieved. There have been big changes in my life since then. My family have changed so much. I found with every step I am taking towards maharaj he is helping solve my problems. I was worried as to how I was going to encourage my son how to keep his hair, it had been cut since he was young and I was thinking it was going to be difficult growing now and how he would cope with the change. However, I came across the story of bhai taru Singh ji and read it my children and my son straightaway answered mum I never want to cut my hair again. Attending a local sikhi camp a few weeks later just reinforced his decision and his hair has not been cut again. He now wears a patka to school, and is constantly practising how to tie a dastaar. Being only 7 and the only one of the few boys keeping his hair in his school was difficult for the first few weeks but I have seen that in doing so he has a sense of identity now and grown so much in confidence.

My daughter too has taken this path so well, constantly learning more about sikhi. Doing presentations on sikhi and winning prizes which just helps encourage her more. She has a real thirst for knowledge.

My husband had always said I will keep my hair when I'm older, when I retire etc. We went to india and visited a lot of gurdwaras and I did ardas everywhere we went that maharaj please help my husband. From the day we arrived back at home he never cut his hair or his beard again. Now wears a dastaar to work and I am very proud of him.

Myself from not even knowing what path to do I started to wake 3:30 and with the guidance of audio started to do nitnem everyday. On the days I didn't do it I felt lost all day long. As a family we do rehras together and I felt truly blessed. As a family we started to go to santhya so that we can read and pronounce bani correctly. I also discovered my love for kirtan. I didn't realise how beautiful kirtan is and regularly go to kirtan programmed and feel truly inspired by them.

So firstly I would like to thank everyone who helped and just wanted to share the changes it has made in our lives. My own family have been far from encouraging, I have been told I am brainwashing my kids, stifling them not letting them be children. Yet I have never seen my children so happy.

Apologies for the long post, but I need help once again. Despite all these changes in my life there is one issue I haven't been able to come to terms with. My father! I have tried to do my daughterly duties and accept him as a father and even took the step of buying him a birthday present for the first time in my life. Only to find that the happiness it gave him just upset me more. I wish I could be more forgiving towards him but I have this immense hatred, more so after recently discovering that the sister I thought I had protected had been through similar experience. Recently I saw him look at my daughter in a way which made me fear him like I did as a child. I would never put my daughter in any situation that would cause her harm. I am trying to be there for my sister and listen to her and help her but it gets me so down and depressed I can't function. The last few weeks I haven't done any path whatsoever, apart from attending santhya. I know I should be doing it and I want to do but I just can't bring myself to do it. I find when I don't do it then the family doesn't either. It's not that I can't get up, I can. I have hardly slept for the last few weeks and find myself waking up and just crying silent tears into my pillow. I think about getting up to do path but everything else just washes over me. I wake up crying and go to bed crying. I feel miserable all the time, and just am not being the mother or the wife my family need.

I know I can't change the past, but I can the future. I know what I should be doing, I've tried to pick up my gutka sahib and do path but I can't open it. I know I shouldn't question why this happened to us and I don't know what I have done in past lives but I can't get past this. I feel I am not worthy of doing path.

I hope someone can advise me as to how I can move on.

[guptkuri]

bhena ji, please register on this forum and then pm me and we'll talk

[AmarjitKaur]

Bhenji, Thanks for coming back here and writing about the progress you and your family had made throughout since you wrote last.

Secondly, Please please do pick up Gutka sahib and atleast, minimum do 5 Chaupai sahibs a day (only that much will inspire you to do your rest of the nitnem) while thinking about Dhan Dhan Guru Gobind Singh jee. Think about HIM being your father, standing their with his hand on your head and saying "Come, my daughter I will take your pain away".

And as far as dealing with your father goes. IGNORE HIM. Don't wish him any bad. But assume like he doesn't exist for you until you got handle on your mental situation.

Bhenji, being sikhs, we are supposed to be dayavan (forgiving and wishing for good of others). So do the same for your father. DON't deal with him, if you could do in your situation. But do pray for him from GOD, that babaji tuhade father nu summat bakhshan. Babaji tusi sabh kala samrath ho. main nimani te kujh karan jogi nahi aa. please tusin ang sang sahai hovo. mera maaN vee tusi, mera taaN vee tusi. Meree Oat vee tusi, mera aasra vee tusi. mere tusi hee father o.

Dhan dhan Guru Gobind Singh jee nu father mann lavo, fer babaji janaN, te una da kamm jaNe. Tusi vicho hut jaao.

Sometimes, we tend to forget our commitment for Nitnem (towards our soul) when we need it most. So please don't.

[moorakh mugadh]

wjkk wjkf

you can take amrit before ur husband,this is ur jeevan..its better if you take both but there is no harm AT ALL IF YOU WANNA TAKE ALONE..

GURUSAHIB KIRPA KARN kuch rakhn twanu

[AmarjitKaur]

Bhenji,

just to tell you little bit about my activities these days. I have been listening to some audio which talks about some encounters with snakes. And I am kind of person, if hear or talk about or see snake pictures, I start getting scary dreams about them where I run for my life in dream if I see one.

Last time I had a dream about snake, I got bitten by it, but didn't die in dream. I had never been bitten before either, but was just running from it. Last night I had dream again. Its like small pet snake. someone brought in my home (could have been my kids, who in real life, actually wanna bring snake as pet and they get big NO NO from mommy :-)) So anyways, snake is moving around in the house. My husband tries to lock it in some box or room. But its so thin, little one that it sneaks around. And finally I (me, who is so afraid of snakes), said that I will take it back to store or something. So I try to catch it in my hands and am moving towards garage in my hands trying to hold it from close to its mouth. And I can remember from dream that its moving its tongue over my hand and fingers. and it gets out of my hands and circles around me and bit me 2-3 times on my back or so. And i am not screaming or running and I just let it bite me and somehow in my semi-conscious mind I am saying that its just a dream. I think I was half in dream and half still able to realize that its just a dream and plus this snake is a pet snake and won't be poisonous. So I am not screaming or running or worrying about it.

Usually I remember my dreams best in the morning and forget afterwards. Thats why writing it before I forget.

So in the morning, I kept thinking why I got this dream. there are 2 reasons I think. One especially the audio book I am listening to which talked about encounters with snakes (its biography of Sant Harnam Singh Rampur Khere vale, where Sant Sevak singh jee talks about different situations where people had encounters with snakes and upon Suggestion of Sant jee about reading bani, how people got out of that situation).

Secondly, I read your post last night at about 9:30pm and wrote you above post but couldn't stop thinking about your situation. So went to sleep with your situation on mind.

So I see snake as a fear of your mind. Its not that it really is going to bite you, I think its more like a fear of your mind only.

I don't think you need to be afraid of your father. There are 2 reasons I think it that way. First without knowing your father in reality, but knowing most of other fathers and grandfathers, I am assuming that he can't be so low of a man who would keep an eye on his grand daughter.

Even if he has looked at her like that, doesn't mean he is going to do anything.

I think based on what you went through when young, you are not able to think of your father more than that same person you encountered may be about 20-30 years ago. It may not have been same look, you just took it like that.

Anyways, without judging your situation, without knowing the facts. There are 2 ways to handle your situation.

One believe in Gurbani 100% and become officially dhan dhan Guru Gobind Singh's daughter (take amrit and encourage your husband too. you can take amrit alone as you might know, but then you can't have husband-wife relationship with your spouse anymore if he is not amritdhari. Panj Piyare would ask you to promise to follow on that and most likely you will fail to keep your promise, thats why its important to have spouse be ready for it as well). Jehnu baba jee dee protection ho gayee, Gurbani te full vishvaas ho giya, uhnu snakes, bad-eye fathers or people on the street or whosoever else tries to scare or damage, they can't do anything. all these scares of mind or of reality become harmless.

Now the second way to treat it is to go talk to physicologist. All you need is few sessions of talking.

looking at the situation you are in, I am assuming that you are not able to talk to your husband about it. you probably discuss with your sister now, but no one else. Sometimes, to get over our fears, we need to let them out in constructive way, where someone listens to us and can tell how to deal with situation if its real or if its our mind's fear only. Eventually, physicologist may suggest to bring your father along, which won't be mandatory but optional.

I know in past, I suggested to forgive your father and deal with him. But depending upon your current situation, I would suggest you to take break from dealing with your father. If possible, share with your husband (but that all depends what kind of relationship your husband has with your dad or how open minded he is to understand the situation to help you get through it but not aggravate it somehow, very cautious approach needed). My suggestion about physicologist, also would need you to tell your husband what kind of appointments you are having. so in one way or other you would have to tell him. But this is very tricky situation as your husband may start hating your father especially based on your own daughter's protection.

If you couldn't come to deciding about second option, because of delicacy of the situation. and couldn't act on first on because your husband not agreeing yet. then do this.

get back to your nitnem as you were doing before. additionally, start atleast 5 (if possible 25) chaupai sahib daily for 40 days. Do ardas in the beginning what you doing it for and everyday in your rehras sahib ardas time, apne chaupai sahib bani dee as well and mention that baba jee sachkhand de vich paRi suni bani sodh ke sweekar karnee.

Don't worry. Babaji will take your fears away if they are your mind's fears only or they are real.

Bani te, guru sahib te bharosa rakho. bani paRani nahi chhudnee, even if your mind is somewhere else for most of the time. don't get discouraged.

Act like a spider who fails 99 times to get up on his web,but keeps trying.

We humans can only try, kirpa babaji dee rehmat naal hee hundee aa. Thats why guru nanak dev jee said in the beginning. GURPARSAD.

kuchh galat likhiya giya hove, please forgive me as I am just a human like you who do go through zindgee de utra chaRa at times. my boat is in waters as well, but how big the waves are and how much I feel them could be different at different times.

[Guest your not alone]

I am sorry but I have to say this. Bhena Ji, I have been in a similar place as you and the advice you are getting is not adequate. Its great but not adequate.

As sikhs we are saint-soliders.

You have started to become the saint with the help of Gurbani, now become the solider. You were the first victim and then you tried to protect your sister from becoming the second but it didn't work. Now don't let your daughter became the third. I don't care if this man is her grandfather, he was your father and relationships mean nothing to him. I don't think you have told your husband, or he wouldn't have allowed for your daughter to ever be around your father. So you need to either tell your husband and with his help confront your father or do it alone. You need to go up to your dad (when he is alone) and tell him that you have not forgotten what he did all those years ago to you and your sister and if he ever tries to be alone with your daughter or looks at her in the wrong way even, that you will not stand for it, That you will tell your husband, mother and whomever else you have to and do whatever it takes to protect your daughter.

Bhena Ji, I know it seems hard to confront your father and many people will tell you the same but you have to for your daughter. It is your duty to protect her. The reason you can't concentrate on Path is because it hurts inside that he didn't get punished for what he did. I use to feel the same and even I had stopped doing path for awhile. Bhena Ji, today you stopped doing path and unless you stick up for your daughter and confront your father, you will lose your faith. If anything happens tomorrow (i pray to god it does not), you are going to always blame yourself and god, for letting it happen even after all the path you did. You don't deserve that.

Bhena Ji, I would say you do your duty and protect your child and Waheguru JI will do his and deal with your fathers sins, when the time is right according to Waheguru Ji.

[Guest Anon]

Amarjit bhenji firstly apologies if my post has caused you any inconveniece I would hate for me to be he cause of that on you.

Taking of amrit is something I want to do but I also want to do it together with my husband he has come on so far in a matter of months and I need to be there to encourage him too, rather then leave him behind. I know this is my jeevan but he is also part of this path for me.

I'm not so sure about a psychologist they won't be able to answer me using sikhi which is what I'm looking for I think? I can't just open up to someone face to face like that. It's easier to hide behing anonomity as cowardly as that may seem. I have thought about talking to my husband about this but I can't. Him and father get on, they don't see each other much but I don't want to be changing anyones judgement. I'm afraid of his reaction, and that he may think I've put my daughter in danger. I don't want it getting out nor do I want to be pitied or seen as a victim. My sister is younger then me and has decided to see a counsellor and I don't want to be burdening her with my issues. I have a friend with whom slowly I have been able to discuss certain aspects. Things have been improving in every part of my life but this. I find everytime I try to move on from it something drags it back.

Bhenji you say that no father can be so low a man that he would look at his own grandaughter that way, but I'm sorry I beg to differ. I didn't misinterpret it in fact I was thinking he had changed but that showed me that after all these years there has been no changes. Yes I should be more forgiving and I should be praying for him but I can't because something inside me doesn't want to. I wish I could forgive him, because wouldn't that make it easier for me? Finding out that my sister suffered too tells me I let her down, I didn't do enough for her. It also makes me think how many children are there out there going through the same thing and no one knows.

I have so many questions I want to ask, but no one to ask. Yes you might say ask maharaj but I need someone to interpret or explain my questions.

Guptkuri bhenji I am registered here but I've never posted anything, wouldn't know how to pm nor do I wish to expose my identity or be a burden or inconvenience to anyone. I wouldn't want anyone to feel they had to take the time out of there busy lives to answer my self pitying issues. I'm angry at myself that I let this same issue drag me down.

[Guest anon]

My daughters safety is secure. I would never allow her to be in a situation of harm. i have spoken to her about being alone with him, and she is a bright kid. I was unable to help my sister but not through the want of trying but because i was no longer in the house as had been married, and i guess i made the mistake of believeing amrit would have changed him. I have thought of confronting my father and on a few occasions have had small arguments with him and raised the issue, but his answers tell me that either he is denial or i am making it all up, and it never happened. I'm not sure i even trust my own mind anymore.