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proud_to_be_singhni

A Query From Us Singhnees

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For a while I have been thinking and trying to understand the real issues faced by young marriageable age singh/singhness today. Drawing from personal experience and its unpleasentness to reading from others blogs and talking with some others online.

What i see and hear is the singh brothers complaining we can not find a marriage partner because no girl prefers a bearded singh, she wants a prize husband.

Okay.....so I was feeling sorry for these bro's....until my own marriage search started more properly this year by my parents and so far the boys.....proper long dhari/kes singhs....looking so in love with the sikhi saroop....Are complaining for every little thing wrong with the girl/singhnee.....

A few examples of why I have been turned down in the past 4/5 months....

1. She's shorter than me (like duh......how tall do u want me to be...I am 5'4'')...An excuse...hmmm....

2. She is not as educated as me....(okaay....on to university and ??)

3. She wears specs (and.......)

4. She wears a distaar...'vahegurrooooooo??

5. She lives too far (are you moving or me?)

6. She looks younger than her age (not a good thing??.... :wub: @ ....okaaayy)

7. She has a hairy toe (okaay...and hows your toe today?)

8. She has a moustachee (what do you want me to do about it....a kurehit....??)

Seems like the singhs need to sort out why marriage takes place....and what the basic principles of sikh dharma is. What more can I say about this. Its a emotional and hard subject for any girl.

in a sikh marriage......first comes a persons Spirituality/Saroop/Living according to the Guru's Hukum.... and then maybe personality/looks and etc.

Why have gursikhs become so choosy.....I don't understand it.

Someone please shed some light on this subject.

From your very confused penji. :mellow:

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Just waiting whether any one does know...seems like no one does so far.

Be back later..its such a issue for me and many others that I'm feeling very lost and doubtful of any chance of marriage any time soon since discovering what is happening...which I never expected....

This amritdhari life to me was one of happiness and clarity.....

Hopefully after some replies it will become clear.

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sister,

Have your tried forming friendships with singh's first? the best relationships are one's where you can talk to someone about anything and everything and they still like you. If you, like they just have a list of perferences you want in a partner you might find the right attributes but will you get along in the long term?

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i have to agree with penji. i as a guy obviously am close to alot of Singhs. talking from personal experience i have found singhs to be very picky. not all, i must add.

but some of them are complete jokes. i always wonder why they dont look at the girls jeevan. some of the picky ones fortunately do turn girls down because of their jeevan. but sometimes we must forgive people for their past and look forward.

what i can't get my head around is:

How long do we think we are here for?

some of us act as if we aint ever gonna die. what happend to living sikhi? why is marriage such a big deal? do we have no faith in Guru Ji? they will make it work, and if it doesnt work out then that was in our Guru's hukam too and we have to accept it. we act like marriage is the be all and end all.

Why do we care what she/he looks like?

we judge a book by its cover. we dont even look inside. what a joke we have become. what about the persons sikhi?

Gursikhs have become choosy because they are not following Gurmat. Their manmat takes over. When i was younger i remember uncles and aunties telling my parents that i wont be able to get married because i have a dastaar and kes. i used to think I dont care if i get married or not, as long as my Guru is happy its all good. please remember that Guru Ji is looking after us. improve your jeevans and leave it to Guru Ji. i look around and see 'Gursikhs' becoming absolute jokes. we have no morals, no standards, and no principles.

I have seen both boys and girls change after marriage. and change for the worst. some cut their kes. some lose their principles. why? they put their partner before Guru Ji.

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yea that is true, the guys are worse. its a shame

i think that its stupid when you here singhs saying ' girls dont like sardars' .....first of all you shudnt be going around checking...................and secondly thats stupid cos theres someone out ther for everyone.

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Waheguroo jee ka Khalsa!

Waheguroo jee kee Fateh!

To put it simply bhenji, if a guy is rejecting you for any of the reasons you wrote above, YOU ARE BETTER OF WITHOUT HIM!

Its obvious that they are the ones with a problem, and as a singhnee, you should be marrying someone similar to you: amritdhari gursikhs. If they have rejected you based on anything you wrote here, maybe they aren't as gursikh as you thought...

Waheguroo jee ka Khalsa!

Waheguroo jee kee Fateh!

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gurfateh,

our sister is spot on!

Do you know what I think is behind this....the core issues?

1) undaroo punjabi, baaro sikhi parents who subtley whisper punjabi-'cultural' norms into their sons ears

2) spoilt sons who think they have taken on the world by adopting/keeping sikh saroop, as well as feeling they may get an extra candy from god (ie. a pretty wife)for fighting the tide of society

3) on the other side, guys and humans in general expect perfection.

there are probably another million reasons, but the truth is that 'ideal' and 'real' are usually opposites.

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my take on the replies...waiting been good....

for sikh supreme paji>...forming friendships, cool but do you not think it is going towarfds the bf/gf side.... and to put it bluntly ....not many become friends like that close anyway..its more of what cna i get out of ths person?..(sad but true), do they know others? and if they are a 'loner' like me.....Dont stand a chance.

msj>..I agree with the reply. Once they got past the looks, how many of these so called singhs/some singhnees even who treat the other also the same way...learn what this persons jeevan is like. How we can grow to strenth in our sikhi jeevan and come closer to vaheguru with each others support.

khalsaforever> they were all amritdhari gursikhs.

Just been discussing with my mum too after the latest turn down...her input...>

In her time things weren't so ask this ask that and everything used to work perfectly...take a look at all of our rents........

......and how can a person ever find a 'perfect' person, that ideal does not really exist...you may think it does with someone till you get marrid and then you see the faults. Wheras the person who think is quite plain/boring..after marriage ends up also being your bestest friend for a happier life togther.

aaaandd...she goes the girls side were usually the ones to ask such and such quesitons coz they are giving away the girl....and these days the girls accept easily (most anyway) and the guys seem to have 110.1 issues.

Nice thoughts mum...thanx.. :TH:

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interesting post bhenji .. ive been thinking about this ..

heres my take ..

everyone is soo picky .. no doubt .. but when someone comes to us wit a problem (a bhenji or a bro) .. lets take a bibi in this example .. who says she has too much facial hair ..and all the sangat are on her case to stay strong etx etx.. but yet no singh comes forth to help the bhenji like look bhenji .. heres a suitable guy for u .. cuz reli there arent any .. maybe 1 out of a 1000 .. sadly that is reality ..

second even if the singh agrees.. its the parents who are all like im not gona accept her .. cuz of her looks.. she doesnt match wit u .. shes not educated etx etx.. soo many reasons all coming from parents .. and as a guy .. respect for parents is always mentioned and they try to do it as much as they can ..

so how do you find a person whos right foryou .. sangat... ur friends.. and if your close .. ur parents.. but from a lot of my friends experience (not me ..yet) .. i have seen soo many problems for them to find that person and actually forcing them to loook in India .. where we all know is much easier to get a partner .. since either they all reli wana come to the west .. which is mostly themain reason .. but if u reli find mr./mrs perfect .. they do it to be wit a better person ..

and bhenji .. girls accept easier cuz of parents pressure and force !

i know many bhenjis that are in this scenerio .. and then i know some that are really picky themselves tongue.gif .. but lets face it .. parents are more quicker wit their daughters cuz they feel they are just 'more money to spend on' while at home .. sadly ..most think like that !

on the other hand .. i know personally that my parents would never force me .. but they will be picky .. but i will only choose one for her inside value .. not her outside.. but then again i still got a year or two before i start looking tongue.gif

bhul chuk maph .. pray.gif

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Sat Sri Akal:

Bless you Bhenji for having kept the courage and staying with Sikhi and not compromising. Yoru father and mother (Guru Gobind Singh Ji and Mata Sahib Kaur) are proud!!!! d_oh.gif

You are writing about people like me, who are still stuck in the worldly. Even though we know that the soul of Sikhi is supremely important, our worldly desires are still more powerful than Gurmat. Still subject to the worldly perceptions of beauty (you know, those 50 lb. anorexic hairless women that we are bombarded with every day in the world), we do not find the Guru's Roop, the true beauty, as the highest standard of beauty. It is our disease of the mind, transmitted by the world so many times that while we respect the strictness of Rehat a Sikh woman has, we are fooled by our flesh eyes and shun the very Guru Roop we praise.

Please do Ardaas for moorakhs like us, so that our real eyes may be opened one day and we can see in you the Guru's light. And NEVER compromise for people like me...we are idiots who do not deserve... respect.gifno.gif There is a Gursikh out there for you...one who will fully respect and admire your maintainence of the Rehat. Wait for him and do not compromise for those moorahs with minds like me--> wacko.gif

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Jaspaul pajee> why is 'picky' even an issue...if we take a look at msj's post its all abput how much do we love our sikhi. Whats the real point of talking big about sikh issues, our shaheeds, lets take this one point forward..

When I see singhs shouting and giving jaikaraas in events and camps..my mind really tunes off...why?.....

because they don't want to really know any body that is not cool..

that is not at least partly or all pretty

that is not marriage material

Forgetting the fact that giving the other person half the chance they may learn so much about them....Guru ji says dont judge......

and we judge the most....All this pajee and to anyone else reading is so sad for sikhi....and because im a recent amritdhari quite plainly distressing, which I never show or maybe doing my banis Guru ji keeps me living with my head up.

Vaheguroo bhalla karan mein hor ke kavan...what can be done.

Most likely they're be a large group of singhnees like me in the future..not married...whilst the singhs will stare and say hunn? look they arent even gristhee...who cares what they'll say??sure .....

before you ask>...would you care? and would it not even mildy depress and hurt you.

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ya i fully agree wit u bhenji .. ur in uk rite ? its as bad here in canada.. not only appearances .. but then the whole caste issues come into play EVEN if one does find a suitable match .. its reli soo sad ..

how can it be fixed ?

it has to start wit each and every individual person and fix it in ur own house ..

like i know when it comes down to me and my sisters .. i will full support the choice of my sisters and make sure they are happy and not forced into anything ..

and what i meant about picky (sorry for not being clear) .. is its the sad plain truth about sikhs ! I know i am picky .. in a sense that i want a bibi that will help me progress my sikhi and not bring it down (likewise for the bibi)! in that sense i am picky .. but even moorakhs like me fall intraps of maya and the 5 evils.... its society around u s.. guru sahib made it so simple but yet we wana live how everyone around us wants us to live .. no.gif

challo .. guru sahib maher karn .. pray.gif

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oops  blush.gif

157668[/snapback]

I was in india an year back and in US where ever u go the probelms are the same..

the thing is that thr r a very few TRUE Gursikhs..

who understand thr GURU and know exactly why they r here..

many people just have sikhi saroop and have long beards bcoz they have been brought up in that kinda family and not because they have understood guru and know whats the meaning of sikhi saroop..

sad but true many of the amritdahri sikhs i know have jeevan sathis who r not at all into sikhi and reasons of marriage are only skin deep..

my only suggestion here is to keep the faith and everything will turn out as planned for you by Guru ji..

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I agree there are not many Gursikhs around in reality. As has been stated we are not all perfect. We are all learning and hopefully all doing our best to try become better Gursikhs and keep our rehats. The ideal Gursikh doesnt exist. Everybody has faults.

Be careful of the bf/gf thing. Too many of us are taking the 'getting to know eachother thing' toooo far. Have faith in your Guru. Take a risk/chance. No need to get too close.

Maybe its time to bring back arranged marriages in there true form!!

Our parents have made it work.

But maybe i am a pindu and backwards.

Remember staying in Hukam is what goes with us, so face whatever comes your way.

Life is not easy, and marriage is one of the challenges. Most of us have easy lives and live sheltered lives and struggle when challenged.

Sorry i'll stop as going off topic now.

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arranged marriages ?

i agree wit those if its a mutual thing ..

do u know veerji how it was done in the old days ? guys had their say but women were basically FORCED .. i dont think i wana have that .. we are slowly getting out of that stage but still in this generation its still present..

if its a arranged marriage.. has to be mutual .. both guy/girl opinion needed.. no force watsoever .. and no caste .. both into sikhi .. both will help each other wit their sikhi .. they will always remember that above all is guru sahib and then them/family.. THEN its the perfect marriage!

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arranged marriages ?

i agree wit those if its a mutual thing ..

do u know veerji how it was done in the old days ? guys had their say but women were basically FORCED .. i dont think i wana have that .. we are slowly getting out of that stage but still in this generation its still present..

if its a arranged marriage.. has to be mutual .. both guy/girl opinion needed.. no force watsoever .. and no caste .. both into sikhi .. both will help each other wit their sikhi .. they will always remember that above all is guru sahib and then them/family.. THEN its the perfect marriage!

157690[/snapback]

i couldn't agree more. he summed up all i wanted to say about arranged marriages. also to the bhainjee who started this post, dont worry if you're rejected on skin-deep issues. coz even if you got married to him, ultimately in the long term(god forbid though), there'll be problems in the marriage coz they dont know what makes a good marriage work....like the saying goes, better single than unhappy hunna?? tongue.gif in addition, one comes across many shells along the wayside whilst searching before the diamond is found. be patient, keep the faith and you'll find your diamond singh. who you were destined to marry (or not) was written on your forehead the day you took birth here on earth, just let your destiny unfurl itself. good luck :wub:

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in addition, one comes across many shells along the wayside whilst searching before the diamond is found. be patient, keep the faith and you'll find your diamond singh. who you were destined to marry (or not) was written on your forehead the day you took birth here on earth, just let your destiny unfurl itself. good luck

Balwinder Kaur Bhenjee is spot on :TH:

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Thanx for the recent replies....

Jaspaul pajee (..dont think im singling you out..its just you require a reply with your reply. nutin personal at all pajee..we all learning)...the word forced is strong and youve said it quite a lot. My parents are so liberal they would not ever..even in a dream force any type of ristha on me......

that is diverting from the subject...

Because I have never been forced and have accepted each ristha on the plain fact that the guy or the next guy is a gursikh...what more need be asked. If everyone looked at things that way..there'd be fewer probs.

When they have not accepted..Ive questioned myself...why?? To one singh my photo was given and he realised I wasnt amritdhari before..so after exchanging emails..he goes can I see one your past photos...I said okayyy...(thinking how wud that be of any help)....

He messages back two days later....Sorry it aint guna work...and btw what made you become a singhnee you were so nice before???( :wub: )..vahe-guru

You know that comment made me throw his photo into the rubbish bin within 1 second and told my parents to find a real singh please...because things just aint right with the world anymore.

When girls take amrit they should be also given the options of a course in surviving the nasty, mean, harsh world out there which is hard on only kaurs/singhnees and not on singhs, no matter how much they may complain that They are hard done by, I dont believe so.

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Guru ji I have complete faith in ...No Doubt penji. I have raised this topic to make singhs aware that wht they are doing is making kaurs like me feel as if when we entered sikhi we have done good but also have 'shot oursleves in the foot'. Balwinder penji we all want to have a family and all want to have kids that ive dreamed of since being a small kid myself... not seeing that come true is very sad and very hurtful, ..i will accept it to be my kismet if things come to that (:wub: )

The going today of amritdharis....we respect you sister/singhnee/kaur ji...but hell no if you think I am going to marry you.

Now what does that do to our younger kaurs, lower confidence?, to us feeling>isolated, plus add this on for me......

.....becoming all too serious all too quickly...when it comes to any singhs comments..because they have represented themselves as double standard holding, untrue gursikhs. Fair enuf not all are the same...so far ive found this to be the case and its still ongoing...all aorund the world..according to one pajee who commented recently.

Why do singhs feel the girl has to accpet his dhari and moustahce....and he cant accept a few hairs (kes!)and maybe a undone eyebrow why and then have the audacity to say....Wow wow..bhainjee you can not get rid of those hairs..it is a kurehit!!??.....

its like help? what is up with that!!!

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We always say at Gurudwara Sahibs Nagar Kirtans guys just go to chk girls....well chk this>

Singhs..as well as Gursikh singhs chk any girl...religious or not religious. And when I have walked past them or been near by one of them singing along or just chatting with one of my brothers/family etc...Ive blantly heard them say these things...

...haha..looks like a boy,

...whats that?....

id never marry a singhnee.....

...where all the nice singhnees at bro....?....

...hun...rab really was cruel...hahhaha..(why do they, these gursikhs then have a go at hindus and others about talkin trash with our girls as they put it..when they do worse and make their sisters feel like trash)

these comments are were shrugged off by me..and I ignore them and try not to hear em..but it is so directed a person cant help but realise who it is being inteneded for.

This year I am going to make sure that I stick more closely with my brothers and family because of this unwanted comments and attention from "sons" of Guru Gobind Singh ji (!!why call them that at all?) so that I dont lose complete hope and further confidence in my sikhi life as a daugther of Guru Gobind Singh ji....vaheguru.

*If anyone has anything further to add by all means do, it wil be further helpful but personally I dont knwo how much more clearly I can share my feelings and before I say anything that i'll regret and hurt someone..id like to end my comments here. Lol i'l be around, just wont comment as much, i dont trust my self now not to become > increasingly frustrated and look abit like this :wub: .

rab bhalla karan mera and sab dha. vjkkvjkf.

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sorry also just want to mention that allllll singhs are not bad, I have the greatest bro in the world, who shares similar feelings on the matter about how singhs act and treat their sisters and when looking for a partner...but in my reckoning about 98.8% are just that.....complete reversals to sikhi teachings.

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Most people of this world are still attached to Maya. They think they are Sikhs but then don't go along with Sikhi.

My dad told me about this Amritdharee who couldn't find another Amritdharee to marry. Why? Because she's white!!!

So much emphasis is put on physical appearance that all forget everything else. Very hard to find a true Gursikh in this day and age.

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