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I Dont Want To Be Here Anymore


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Wahegurooo ji ka khalsa, Waheguroo ji ki fateh.

she walks to the park , with her mother..

Her mother drops her off at the swing set, and leaves her for a life to come.

Yet, at this moment, she did not feel the sence of lonliness.

As the litle girl, swang more and more, did the feelings of lonliness, uselessness, worthlessness, and being a fake... appear.

As time, grew, and as her body,mind, and soul grew... every single soul that was apart of his life, had run away.

They ran away from her.

The only one left was guruji.

Yet, why do i not feel his presence.

God, help me...

Im a fake, im worthless, and im uslesss.

That poem , sums up most of my feelings in a few scentences.

The problem is, i have so many problems, i dont know how to handle them, how to stay sane.

1) I go to school everyday, with a happy face on, pretending like my lifes perfect, and theres nothing going worng in my life. Yet, everything, in my life is wrong, or at least on the path to wrong.

Im a fake. I hide everything, i lie, i cheat.

How can i call myself gurujis daughter?

2)When its an important day in your life, you always want your family to be there, for you and have the same happiness within them.. right?

Last night, was one of the most important days in my life, and like usual my dad didnt show up, because he was 'tired'. Yet, thats a whole different story, which i will merge into. My father... wow.. what a guy. Amazing person, really is... nice guy and all, yet.. as a father role, hes done a crappy job. Not once, has he ever seeen me preform ( i love drama.. soo preformances), hes never come to 'parent teacher interviews' with my mother, when i was young, he never took me anywhere, never ever spent quiality time with me.. ever...., has never been there for my happiest moments. Now do you call that a dad? I really dont think so. So bak to the happiest moments in your life... Last night, was a very important time inn my life, and my dad or brother wasnt there to see it, yet they didnt even know it was hapening. And when my mother, talked to me after it, she said..."... im so tired, that was the most boring thing ive ever seen."... soo that threw me off... I did something that wwas very important to me, yet it doesnt seem to matter to anyone.

Yet why do i even care? Guruji, is there.. yet i dont feeeel that.

3) My brother.... wow... hes quite the character...

I recently just found out he drinks...

Yep, what a thing to find out.

He hasnt been to sangat in ages, which is probably why, and he was very popular, .... you know i sumed it all up to peer preassure.

My heart broke, when i saw that picture of him, standing there drinking.... the one person, i thought had morals in their life, goes and does something like this. I thought to myself... " hey, you know its his life, he can deal with it." But, i dont want him to end up on the wrong path. One thing always leads to another...

Drinking>Drunk>smoke>drugs> god knows whats next..

but its like a chain reaction.

God, please dont let my brother end up on the worng side of the road.

Yet, people always say... " He/She will learn from their lesson."... which is soo true.... you have to experience it to , stop it right?..i donno. And he's a totally different perons now, always yelling, treating everyone like dirt... going clubbing... alot more... arghhhh..... AHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

4) Im Stupid. I always say stuff, that i donn wanna say. It just comes out, and the minute i say it.... i regret it.

Same with doing something.. the minute.. i do it, i wish i never would have.

IM STUPID....... SOOO STUPID

i wanna kill myself...

5)..............i dont even know anymore

bull chaaak maaf karni ji..

sangat jio..... i need help..

any suggestions???

wjkk wjkf

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"IM STUPID....... SOOO STUPID. i wanna kill myself... "

You're not stupid. You're not stupid at all. Everything you're feeling and everything you've written here is very valid. I can appreciate what you're going through and why you're feeling as you are.

But nothing is so irreparable that you should go so far as to harm or even kill yourself. You're a valuable person and even those that you think don't care about you, DO care. If you were to harm yourself or worse, they would feel multiple times more pain than what you're feeling now. Multiply that pain by the number of people who care for you...that's a whole lot of pain.

It's extremely draining to put on a smile in the face of what you're feeling. It's a lot harder, yet healthier, to be open about your feelings. There's no shame in feeling down. Sometimes talking about how you're feeling can make all the difference in the world.

Yesterday was a big day for me too, but I have no one to share in it with me. But it meant a lot to me, so even if no one else cares, it doesn't diminish the importance of it.

As for your family situation, you're not alone. All relationships change over time. Some get stronger, others fall apart completely. It's undoubtedly really hard to deal with. Your father and brother may be dealing with their own issues in their own way. It's unfortunate that it's having such an effect on their responsibilities and relationship with you, but don't doubt that they care for you.

It seems so obvious and too simple a solution, but this really is all it takes to sort this all out -- do some paath and ask Guru Sahib to fix things for you. At the same time, and this is really important...don't feel bad for feeling as you are. It's perfectly understandable to feel frustrated by what's going on in your life. But nothing is so bad that Guru Sahib can't fix it.

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waheguru ji ka khalsa waheguru ji ki fateh

panji/veerji

please dont feel bad, try to keep ur self on the right path by doing ardas that guru sahib ji gives u the courage to face these problems and make u strong. however ur family is acting, take it as guru sahib ji's will. cuz theres nothing we can do, everything is happening according to what Guru sahib ji wants. i know its easy to say, that its hukam but accpeting it is the hardest part. i think u are still stronger than me cuz u can actually live with all these problems, i would ve been dead by now. my suggestion would be not to pay attention to these things and just focus on Gurbani as much as u can

sorry for the mistakes,

waheguru ji ka khalsa waheguru ji ki fateh

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Vaaheguroo ji ka khalsa, Vaaahegurooo ji ki fatehhh

Bhenji, i dont even know where to start .. i think i read that post of yours like 4-5 times and i still dont know where to start..

The best answer anyone can give i believe it dat it all comes back to guru sahib.. do you believe in him ? If you do, why dont you leave everything to him ? Its easy said then done i know trust me, but its always a shot!

Ji, guru sahib is one person we least expect but the only one who is always watching you, always watching your plays and loving them as well, cuz his sevak is enjoying it! He knows that is your hobby, you like to enjoy it, maybe your parents done approve of it or may not like it as much as you do but he will always do! He just asks for one thing back .. love ji .. always love him back !

I never read a serious post in a while to tell you the truth and when i read that .. just left me speachless.. its soo hard for girls sometimes.. i have seen it inmy own family.. my friends.. and even people i dont even know i hear about .. its sad how many things go on in families today and probably (sadly) its still gona happen.. but you know what ..

Guru sahib has given acknowledge to singhnis throughout our history .. in our history it shows singhnis as those fearless warriors, jaap naam baani's at sad and happy times, main reasons for the uprise in sikhi, and etx etx.. list goes on and on ..

I would just like to end it off by saying that keep focused in your sikhi .. goto sangat .. do seva .. do ur simran .. and guru sahib himself will give you wat your heart desires !

You want your family to love you more and respect what you do guru sahib will give you it. I asked guru sahib to bring me back on the sikhi path .. and he blessed one of my sisters wit amrit not so long ago, and i the moorakh and just learning a lot from her ! Guru kirpa naal my other sister may also in the future be blessed along wit my family .. i just pray to guru sahib for that day .. pray.gif

Im probably gona go on and on, i hope i made sense, if there is anything else please dont hesitate to PM myself, as a brother i will try my best to help you out. All we need in this world is good sangat to keep us all on the right track! :lol:

Vahegurooo bless ya !

bhuk chuk maph,

daas,

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You are very brave for coming forth and talking about things that we can all relate to at various levels but don’t have the same courage to mention. You are not alone by any means. You are obviously very insightful.

People are not static, they grow in various directions, grow farther away from us at a certain stage of life then grow closer to us at another time. This can especially be true of family. People also will disappoint us only to later become even better people and make us proud to be their family or friends. And speaking of our families, they are not static.

Family is always more than relatives. Your peers become your family, your roommates, your professional colleagues, your team, your online sangat etc. At various stages different people play larger roles in our life.

There are people you can talk to always. There is this forum, the kind veerji in the post above who offered for you to PM. There are also people you can talk to anonymously by phone if you wish. Tell us where you are, or PM if you wish and maybe we can give you some local contact info in your area for you to decide if you want to follow up or not.

I envy you for sticking with drama. I was involved in drama for several high school years and really feeling in my element with it. Drama was permission to be oneself, and beyond that learn about oneself. I had my drama teacher virtually beg me to continue with drama. Despite the fact that opportunities to employ drama much beyond high school might be limited as a sardar, the teacher was adamant that it was crucial for me to continue. I gave it up after four years so I could add more “academic” courses, as I didn't know any better then. I will never forget her for appreciating how much I enjoyed the class.

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hanje panje to see another day and jap vahegurooo with each and evry breath :TH: ....wish me can reach that stage one day pray.gif

chardikala...........vaheguroo,vahegurooo, vaheguroo

deep kaur khalsax

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many people on this forum have been or are in the same/similar situation u are in.. the only way to get over this type of stuff is through sangat... simran.. and seva... the 3 S's of Sikhi.. sangat is a huge one.. the sangat around you (i.e. friends, family)... and the sangat u attend (as in sat sangat)... they play a huge roll... keep positive sangat around you... try to keep the company of gursikhs... it'll help you out..

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