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Wjkk wjkf Im having a really difficult time at the moment and has been like this for maybe 3/4 of a year. Maharaj kirpa, i was blessed with amrit just over a year ago and in the start it was an unexplainable experience, however slowly i feel like i began to fall in my sikhi. I would look at all people and think with innocence that god resides in each person, but now i just seem to judge everyone and think bad about them. Vikaars have gone really bad and causes me much depression, to the point where i feel like suicide would be better than this suffering. I am a true believer that maharaj works through his gursikhs, and whenever i seem to go to the gurdwara i always seem to get dirty stares and looks from kamaii wale gursikhs and i just know that im not welcome, which causes me even more depression and stops me from going to the gurughar. I try so hard, although i think about doing some of the old things i used to do before amrit (like smoking weed) i have been able to control myself enough to not commit any bujjer kurehit. For some reason i feel like i am being punished or i just dont feel the love from waheguru ji anymore, i try to boost my sharda by looking upto guru sahibaan but my mind even becomes to thing bad about our gurus 😖 my parents had a breakup not long ago and that seems to have made things worse recently as i just cannot focus on bani and simran, also because of the situation, i had to backup my mom and maybe maharaj isnt happy that we chose for my dad to leave. Im so confused sangat ji, dont know where to go, what to do. I do ardaas that maharaj blesses me with gurmat and gursikhi but im finding it difficult. The reason im writing this is because just today i spent most of the day reading bani, doing simran and it was really nice, and then the moment i sit down to do my university revision im just hit with depression from nowhere and this is an onwards cycle every single time, its so frustrating. Sorry this was so long, I do benti in ur charan sangat ji that you give me your support and help me get through this. Im honestly so stuck and confused i dont see the point of living life without the pyaar for maharaj. wjkk wjkf