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  1. Indian In-laws

    Hi apologies in advance for any grammer and typo errors. So i have been married for over 8 years and have 2 children. I don't live with my in-laws as they are in India. i got married in india and my husband joined me in the UK. my parents helped a great deall financially by putting down a deposit for our house and offering financial support as and when they could. they came to visit a few years back and caused so many problems between me and partner whereby they were filling his ears about how much freedom i really should have. I have never disrespected them, i suppose some will say by posting this online i am disrespecting them but i don't know where else to turn. the first time his parents visited my husband would try to boss me around, he never did this when his parents were not around. i wasn't allowed to go out alone, or answer my phone whilst they were in the house. one evening i received a call from a friend which i answered and must have been on the phone for about 5 minutes when my husband snatched the phone out of my hand and started to abuse me stating i was being rude to his parents. to this his parents did not say anything, instead kept quiet and did not try to calm him down. during this heated argument i didn't keep quiet i responded back confronting him about his change in behavior since the arrival of his parents. my husband went to hit me and his parents got up and left the room and didn't intervene or stop him. obviously i informed my parents of this situation and they came over the next day to talk to his parents to which they lied stating that nothing happened and that they are always telling their son not to argue. so this went on for the 3-4 months they were here. i never once spoke out of line to his parents and in fact treated them with the utmost respect during their time here. I'd cook and clean everyday for them, no different to what i would do if they were not there. i wasn't working at the time so i spent most of my time at home. During the day my in-laws would not talk to me and would just either stay in their room or go and sit in the other room. I asked several times for them to sit where i was but they just ignored me. When my husband returned from work, we would all sit in the lounge together but not talk to another, however every time i got up to leave the room i would hear them talk every time. I just learnt to get on with it and tried to get to the best i could. After they left, things went back to normal, we'd get on as normal. however me and my husband fell out year later. (i wont go into too much detail as to why or what happened but lets say we were both to blame). Our relationship escalated to the extent that we were not talking and were sleeping in different bedrooms and merely house sharing. this went on for 3 years during this time my parents were involved and they tried to make us reconcile however us being very stubborn we didn't listen anyone. During these 3 years not once did his family try to contact me to see how i was doing, they were well aware of the situation however they just didn't offer any support, it seemed as though they wanted us to split up. I tried to contact them and tell them about what was going on and each time they responded ' we cannot do anything, we do not have the power', after some time i stopped trying and there was no contact between us for good 2 years. During this time his younger brother came to visit and stayed in my house and again didn't talk to me a great deal. i questioned him about this and asked why he came to visit when he knew we were not getting on. To which he replied i came to see my brother. i got annoyed and told him about what had happened in the last 3 years and how were merely house sharing and that the next step would be divorce - but again i didn't get any support or sympathy from him. i expected him to go back to India and tell his parents what the situation was but that was no use as they still didn't intervene. that same year his mother came to visit again, again making plans behind my back and just sprung up at my door, i didn't even know she was coming until i saw her at my house after work. she stayed for 2 days and then went to another city to work illegally. she eventually went back, but stayed at my house for a week before going back, during this time i asked her why she came, she couldn't say she came to see her grandchildren as she didn't even stay long enough to want to get to know her. I asked if she knew about my husband and I not getting along and about the problems we had - again she responded we don't have the power to say anything. again this made my blood boil and i answered back in the most politest way i could without raising my voice - i told her what went on, and how we were staying as strangers and how i had expected someone to intervene to try to make us reconcile - but the woman did not flinch instead she said she or her husband would never visit again. so about a year later, me and husband started to get on a little, seeing as our children were growing up fast and now aware of the arguments and started to understand something wasn't right between mummy and daddy, we reconciled for the sake of our children. we have been getting on well for about (coming to) 3 years now and can say we were really happy in our little family. his family still do not make an effort to talk to me but i have spoken to them a few times but i do not get anywhere with them. I have tried very hard to make this relationship work and am constantly trying but now have the feeling that my husband and his family want to pull away. the more and more i think about it, makes me wonder whether it was all about my husband getting indefinite leave to remain but then we reconciled after he was granted leave to remain. what do his parents want? they don't even care for their grandchildren both girls by the way. his younger brother is yet to be married and i'm thinking are they waiting for him to get married before they can officially get rid of me? i know it sounds stupid but i won't be going anywhere i'll still be here with my children. his parents still interfere and fill my husbands ears but when it comes to me they turn their backs and claim they do not have the power to say anything. i have stopped my parents from intervening with anything, i don't want to hurt them with all my problems. any words of advice anyone?
  2. Mixed relationships in the UK

    I was reading about the protests. So I'm wondering, how common are mixed relationships with Sikhs? Do we date/marry out often or do we stay within our group? We usually stay within our group where I live in Canada. Also, how common are Sikh/White relationships, and Sikh/Muslim relationships? (both with Sikh guy and Sikh girl)
  3. I want to ask for your advice about things happening in my life. I am going through a tough time. I would really appreciate your effort in helping me. The thing starts from here. I and my family had to fly to Chandigarh, India in 2015. I had completed my 10th Grade back then and here, I got admitted to a school in 11th Grade. It was the hardly 6th day of school while a girl was already in deep relation with a guy, as I observed being it my first day in the school. I was really naive and never had talked much with any girl. Their relationship was, don't know why killing me and making me jealous. I even felt something weird in my abdomen area. I used to ignore that feeling. I always had a feel that this girl will propose me soon after their relation get over. I had a feel to stop and be with her. It was all in front of my eyes when they did dirty romance in the class itself. I just wanted her to be with me. Though a relation meant nothing more than talking to me. And it really happened. She figured out that he was in relation with another girl at the same time. She was broken heart. As she had said me her brother for two-three times, I thought of helping her. I made her happy during the classes and counselled her with how a great career will help. Ways she can become well reputed in her life. It was fine for me to talk those things. In December 2015, she proposed me for a relation. Since it were exams going, I ignored her and kept talking to her normally. The guy who left her was her second. She went back to her first in January while again proposed me in February. I was confused and as I was leaving school next month, I told her that I'm leaving the school. This kept going, I didn't leave the school due to admission process of India. As days passed she started coming close to me. I always distanced her, I used to say that I belong to a Sikh family and we do not have this type of things. Yes love exists, but not like hers. I told her that we love inner self, we love Shri Waheguru, and we love true people. But this type of teenage love is not something I would like at all. And came June 2016. She visited my home. The next day, I got to know that she has made out (kissed on lips) to both the guys and have been a bit more than that with her second. I got a shock. I thought of asking her about it. I messaged her, she ignored it all like nothing happened. I got shocked even more. Somehow that moment, I was losing myself. She told me something even more haunting. She said she has a hole in her heart. That's why she have been in relation with guys and she will be dead in few months. I was almost dead at that moment. She was nothing more than a friend, but still, she killed me with it. A few minutes later, she said it was a fake report. I was again confused, stressed and in a dilemma again. I asked her to either make me cry when I'll meet her, or I'll never talk to her. She messaged me okay she's going to actually die in few months. I lost my self. My control. My brain was haunting me. Pictures of me in Gurudwara, Mandirs and temples was visible. I thought of praying everywhere. She played with me at that moment. Instead of talking to myself, I kept talking to her, all day and all night. I didn't get much sleep. I started realizing in mid-June that it's wrong. Something is wrong. I remembered a park me and my friend passed through. It had garbage a bit and wasn't managed. So it was haunting me to leave that park soon or I'll have bad time. I started remembering that moment. It was just before reaching the park when my friend told the truth about her. In mid June, I was destroyed. She was playing with my emotions. She was controlling me, manipulating me and haunting me about her death. And I was getting into the trap. I belong to a middle class family. I do not have enough money to buy a computer, but I have performed great in computers and she knew I'll have a great future. Infact future was the only thing I always talked about. She knew my weakness, my future. It was 22nd or 23rd June when I went to Gurudwara Sahib of my hometown in Punjab. Just a visit to it cured my everything. I messaged her that I do not want anything between us. I did a mistake of calling her on July 1. That was the biggest mistake. I thought she's a girl and I do not want to destroy name of Punjabis in front of her eyes. Her both ex-boyfriends were not Sikh. I thought I shall not make her cry. She visited my home. I was fully lost after watching her face. She told me to kiss her neck. I do not know why, it felt like she had drugged me. I did as she told. Then she kissed me on my lips. For 2-4 seconds and 4-5 times. I pushed her back everytime she did. Nothing was in control of me. I was all lost. I now had commited a sin. I used to think Shri Waheguru left my body. I used to think my body is no more pure. I started hating myself. I applied numerous chemicals on my lips. I tried to visit my village to apply soild on them. I couldn't visit it. I even now, think that I have lost the divine me. Soon school started but I tried to keep a distance. She started showing her anger and expressing her true face. I went into a shock again. I started remembering my depression again. It grew every minute. Deep in my mind. I started getting thoughts that God will punish me for making her cry. I could see her express so much. I kept quite. I ignored almost every feel I got that she's acting. I never heard my innerself. It came the day when I said, I won't talk to her at all. She was in so anger, she started cursing me. She said I will get bad dua. She made me depressed to the fullest. I was so stressed that after few minutes I used to call her asking if she's fine. I used to get terror thoughts that she's no more. I completely ignored myself. Soon my friends started asking me what happened. Moreover, my teaches said that I must not roam much with this girl. They said you are so well charactered person. But I even ignored them. My parents too said that the girl isn't okay. Keep her to friendship only. She was completely controlling me. She when she will die, I will have to name my daughter her name. Whenever I tried to stop talking to her, she've been manipulating me. She said God listens to girl. She said I do not know about this world, she lied that her mother have been out of ICU and she knows what death is. To all my brothers reading this, I would also like to tell me that I used to get Chemistry classes from a Muslim teacher. He tried to manipulate me too by saying god will punish me for my sins. I became so depressed. I knew nothing. My parents asked me what happened. Even I wanted to cry, I could not even cry at all. No tears. I forced myself to cry; only few tears might have came out of my eyes for few seconds. I want to hug my brother like friends, nobody helped me. I tried talking to my school Vice Principle, she didn't listened to me. I tried to get every help I could. I messaged my sister everything and told her to tell everything to mom, even the kiss she did. She came to my home again. She hugged me and my mom saw that. She hid her tears but I noticed them. Those were precious tears that have helped me come out of her trap. I stopped talking to her. She was really cool and made new friends. I even now burn a lot inside when she talk to so many guys. I stopped going to school. My grades went from 90% to fail. I failed in almost every subject. This was what she actually wanted. Her grades have gradually improved. I was her only competitor. She now tops in the school. It has been 4 months and I do not know what is happening to me. Today, 19/09/16 was my physics exam. I am sure I'll get zero in it. I was elected as Head Boy of the school. I thought I am no more eligible because of my exam result. I went to Vice Principle, and returned my Head Boy badge. I thought she would understand and will say to reclaim it when I'll feel like I am eligible. I told her what happened. She said she do not have time for these things and please leave the badge here and go. I left, said Good Afternoon and left. Now, I am all lost. My studies, my parent's trust, my respect, my passion and my track. I have even lost my Shri Waheguru ji. I have nothing today. I will be 18 next month. But I do not have anything. I lost my self respect, my purity, my divinity. She is all cool. She does not care at all. Today, I slept during my exam while she was continuously writing. I could not even get a shoulder to hug. I do not have brother. I never let my parents know how hurt I am. Though they know what happened with me. But I never let them know what I am facing. I just wanted an advice from someone who is close to Guru Granth Sahib ji. Tears will never come out of my eyes. But when I did paath in July, I could feel tears. How pure Gurbani is. But I felt like I should not make Gurbani sahib impure. I stopped doing it. All I could do is ask for your advice. Please help me veero.
  4. WJKK WJKF I'm going to be talking about a very sensitive topic so please bear with me, I don't think there's anyone else that I can talk to about this issue. So I met a girl a few months ago and we became best friends, and soon enough we realized that we are both in love with each other and want to get married, which is great. However, the issue is the mistake(s) she has made in her past. She had a boyfriend with whom she was in a living relationship with, although she's living in a foreign country, she belongs to strict Sikh family from India, so she hasn't told anyone else about her previous relationship except me. She cries sometimes because of her mistakes and also tells me that she's not worthy of me and that I deserve/can find someone better than her. She also says that she will be the "..luckiest girl in the world" if we get married. She told me that she can't handle another heart break, that she doesn't want her dreams to be broken again. I get really angry, sad, upset, worried. .. about her past sometimes, simply because I have waited for her all my life and I expected the same, but what's done in the past cannot be undone, and she also has many regrets. She has also made some other mistakes in her past that I cannot discuss here.... Please don't get me wrong, but I do sometimes feel like 'getting even' by breaking up with her and marrying another girl; that has waited for me just as I have waited for her. It's just that I can't imagine the love of my life loosing her virginity to another guy and then to have 'done it' countless times with him, it upsets me and hurts me probably more than it hurts her. I still love her with all my heart and can't imagine my life without her. So I usually try to convince myself to think about the beautiful future we can have together. This is not something that I can share with my parents, because they will completely disagree with our marriage, so in a way I will also be lying to my parents by not telling them. I can tell that she loves me a lot. Her previous boyfriend took great advantage of her innocence and then walked away, got married to another girl. It was his idea to be in a "living relationship" in the first place and initially she refused, but eventually she gave in. So I'm crushed between love and her past now, I am really confused, I want to give her all the happiness in the world, but at the same time I feel that what she has done is wrong, and I shouldn't have to suffer for it. She cannot live without me and I can't live without her either. Please guide me, provide me with your views, I really need some help in order to make the right decision. .. . . I'll pray to Waheguru for all your help. Thank you. Bhul chuk maaf. WJKK WJKF
  5. Fateh Ji, Can singhs/singhnis of the board please explain to me why god puts people through divorce? I hear elders say "it was sanjog and couldnt be stopped". Are we supposed to believe in that? Amirtdhari divorces happening everywhere....where is the sanctity of marriage? Is it "bad timing"? Curses? Why would god put his sevaks through this?
  6. Hi, i live in the uk and my parents want me to have an arranged marriage in india (i have no problem with this) but I dont really know much about punjabi girls, the girl is from a village in punjab and theres so many questions that Im not sure who can answer or who I should ask, such as what if we dont feel in love after we get married? how intimate can you be with each other? is it like relationships in the western world where you kiss each other all the time when youre alone, would they have sex for fun/get closer to each other or would they see it as simply for reproduction? I think id find it hard to ask those kinds of questions to my prospective wife before marriage. Neither of us are amritdharis. Any info on the way punjabi girls are brought up, and what marriage means to them in regards to being close to each other would be great.
  7. Dear Sangat Ji, I am a frequent reader of this site but I seldom post, and am for the first time ever starting a new thread. I do so because I feel that we can perhaps openly examine as a community some of the root causes of many of the challenges that posters present here, especially in the Gupt section. I post here instead of "Whats Happening" as there may be those who wish to contribute but not reveal their identities. The topics that keep coming up over and over include: Women and issues with hair (and the fact that it affects their chances of marriage) Youngsters and romantic relationships (how soon they wish to start their journeys toward Ghristi Jeevan) Depression (having nobody to talk to or share their feelings with) Isolation (lack of sangat and the impact of social politics and dynamics) Each of these can be reduced to the last one on the list: Isolation or loneliness. The need for human contact, identity and belonging is recognised as paramount to healthy human development. The impact of being "under socialised" or isolated can lead to all kinds of psychological issues. In fact, the affects of isolation in the young can lead to "Failure to Thrive" syndrome where people cannot function or catch up with their "normal" counterparts. Today we exist in greater numbers that ever in human history, have vastly greater social connections than we have ever had, (this site is one example, and of course there is the social media that surrounds us), yet it seems that humans have never been lonelier. It has also been proposed that while we have more connections, the relationships have become shallower and less meaningful as they become greater in number. We might have 300 facebook friends and 300 phone contacts but feel like we have nobody to talk to. At the same time we naturally make efforts to be part of some or other social "tribe", and try to identify and be accepted by them by acting, talking and dressing alike. The human social instincts that we have been blessed with drive us to join with others and also drives our fear of rejection. In ancient times, social rejection (from your tribe or village) was a sure death sentence. We could not survive without the protection of our social group and its function to sustain members of the greater whole. Today, rejection is unlikely to result in death yet we still fear it as such. Loss of friends, the end of a marriage, the rejection of a proposal, rejection by those we would keep Sangat with, a breakdown in communication or relations with family, we may fear and treat any of these and react in a manner as if it is "the end of the world" (read death). Fear of being alone seems to be a great driver of the challenges that keep coming up for the Sangat on this site and beyond. Women who fear rejection due to their facial or body hair are afraid that they will end up unwed and alone (or with someone who does not fit the ideal picture they might have of a husband). Youngsters drawn to the rose tinted fantasy of romantic relationships are also trying to get a head start in the race to find a partner, again for fear of ending up alone. We all want to be close to others, to have understanding and to be appreciated by someone that will find us to be worthy. If we do not have this acceptance and appreciation, we face the terrifying prospect of not only a lonely life, but death at a genetic level as there are no children to carry on our biological heritage. Parents desire the respect of their children. Those who are bullied for being different wish that they would be accepted just like others are instead of being socially rejected. All human beings want to find their place in the world. And if we feel that those needs are not being fulfilled, we end up feeling isolated and depressed. Depression is so ubiquitous now that I was told that one Chardi Kala Gursikh said to one of the Singhs in their Sangat that "People come to us claiming that they have been attacked by black magic, that they do not understand what is happening to them, when in fact they are suffering from depression". They said that Mahraj describe it in baani as "Mann Ka Taap" or "disease of the mind". And why not. For someone who doesn't know what a panic attack, or a bipolar disorder is, a sudden shift in their equilibrium can be terrifying and seem supernatural. They may develop agoraphobia, claustrophobia or any one of numerous symptoms, as result of feelings of isolation and loneliness which lead them to depression. It is important to mention that isolation doesn't have to mean physical isolation. We can feel isolated within Sangat, within the family, even within a marriage. When faced with depression people can behave in destructive manners, i.e using the five vices of Kaam, Krodh, Lobh, Moh and Hankaar or addictions such as alcohol or drugs to try to protect themselves from the symptoms of depression. Then, we often see posts of people confessing their guilt and doing a virtual Peshi before the Sangat here, asking if Mahraj will ever forgive them, or posting that they have lost faith as they feel isolated even from Mahraj. The truth is depression is a mental illness. It has symptoms and those symptoms can be treated to correct the chemical imbalances that drive this illness. Further, it needn't be a cause of shame, any more than having the flu should cause us to be ashamed. For those who are currently facing depression I would like to add that there IS light at the end of the tunnel and there are ways of combating this. Different methods work for different people and there will be a combination of methods that will work for you. So Sangat ji, I invite you to share ways, both spiritual and practical that we might combat depression and its symptoms. I know some members will say "Do more Paath" and others will say "Get some exercise", I think it would be especially useful if those who themselves have faced or are dealing with depression to share the solutions that they have found and applied on their own journeys. I am hoping that in the advice that is shared members of the Sangat, wherever they are on their spiritual journey, will find inspiration and tools to carve their own path to well being.
  8. I wanted to get some advice on my situation. I have been dating a Sikh boy who has the same surname as me for 6 years now, I am getting to that point in my life where my parents really want me to settle down but I’m so scared to tell them about my bf. At the beginning of the relationship I thought it would be pretty cool to have the same surnames but I am now starting to realise that this could possibly be going against our religion. I am so confused and really scared of my parents reaction to this. Please help.
  9. Gurfateh! I've seen quite a number of posts here on the subject of caste/pressure to trim beard/other side wanting parties and rituals etc. So how does one go about finding a Gursikh wife/husband without dating or giving up your faith? I don't know anyone through my family, I have very few Sikh friends, indeed I live in a small town where there are very few Sikhs, let alone Gursikhs/Amritdharis and the local Gurdwara is caste and cultural biased. Apart from old-timers, I'm the only guy there with a full beard and I've never seen a woman with a keski/turban. I've been on matrimonial websites for a year and of the thousands of profiles, a small handful appear to keep rehat and of the small handful, some run after money, others caste and of one or two remaining, neither of us wanted to move halfway across the world. I'm a genial chap and would gel well anyone who believes in Sikhi values- I don't think I'm asking for much, or am I being too strict in my criteria? If I marry an agnostic Sikh girl, with Gurui's kirpa, will she become more religious and change her life objectives? So, where does that leave the turbaned and bearded man or keski wearing woman who are committed to Sikhi and looking to get married and start a family. Where do they hide? :nono: Somebody suggested a youth camp, but aren't these for kids? I just want to get married and start a family. Of course I'll patiently wait, but being a hermit won't get me anywhere, I need to be proactive! Hence my request to you all- please suggest alternative methods of finding people :-) Waheguru ji ka Khalsa Waheguru ji ki Fateh
  10. WJKK WJKF. I need guidance on my current "relationship". I know that A LOT of people experience what i am currently going through, but I feel as though people reply with lines from gurbani (Which is obviously what we should be doing) but can someone respond who has actually gone through this and reply with feeling and emotion rather than going all crazy religious on me! I know that sounds bad but please dont take it the wrong way! I too am amritdhari, I just took amrit about a year ago, and so did the guy i am currently interested in. I am 20 and he is 21. We are not "Dating" but we have everything a relationship has, we are dating without saying the words. The thing is our parents know of this. That we are very close and are together and they are aware of everything that goes on with us, they fully approve, and our families think we are going to get married. We both know we are very young and things might change. We both only have ever wanted one person in our life the way we have each other and dont want to experience this with anyone else. I can honestly say I love him. I love everyone, but this is a different sense of love i have for him. I also know kaam and lust is bad and i must stay away from it. We both do alot of simran to help us stay away from that but its so hard when you have such a deep connection with someone that automatically what you are emotionally feeling ends up turning into physical. You can judge if youd like, we have never had sex or anything and wont until marriage, but we do hug/kiss. And i do believe it will work out in the future considering hes the only guy ive ever brought home, and i am the only girl he has ever brought home. We hide everything in public but our families are aware and we both know sikhi and our rehat comes first. but i can not even explain to you the connection I have with him. And i doubt it will go anywhere. But is this wrong. Can anyone relate to me? what are the chances of this actually working out. we are so young we dont even know what half these feelings are. How are we even supposed to separate love and lust. Its so weird seems like everyhing is happening so fast. but we are so young that i dont even want to think ahead because if it doesnt work out then it will feel like so much wrong doing for no reason. Like is this okay if it was to work out, and wrong if doesnt? is it wrong in general? is it right and normal. To be honest i dont even know what question im trying to ask here. maybe just for someone to relate and re assure me and say yeah its okay to be amritdhari and have these feelings and think im going to marry someone. or someone to tell me im wrong and theres no way it will work. and what we are doing is wrong.
  11. Hi all, I badly need some help here! I'm dating a guy who shares the same goth as me. I tried asking around to my relatives and so, they said its not right because we are siblings. I don't get it, how are we siblings when we come from a different pind (village)? On the other hand, my brother in law tells me there is no such thing written in our Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji.. I'm really confused on What is What!! Will I be going against our Guruji's teaching if I continue with this relationship? Please advise me and give me more information regarding this matter. Thank you very much in advance!
  12. Hi all, I'm in need of some help here.. I'm dating a guy of the same goth as myself.. I've tried asking relatives (aunties) if its acceptable and they said nope because we are brothers and sisters.. But how exactly are we brothers and sisters? We share the same goth but we are not from the same pind.. One of my relative said there is no such thing written in our Shri Guru Granth Sahib Ji.. Please enlighten me on this as I'm very confused on what is right.. Thank you very much in advance!