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Stand Up Against Dehumanizing Behavior http://www.sikhcoalition.org/advisories/2015/stand-up-against-dehumanizing-behavior

ABANDONED BRIDES: Victims of betrayal dreamed of a new life in Canada now they weep for shame MIKE ROBERTS THE PROVINCE Across India, an estimated 30,000 young women live to regret marriages that have left them alone, miserable and consumed with shame. They married Indian men living overseas in affluent countries including many from Canada known as Non-Resident Indians. But, their expectations of a happy life in a new country were quickly dashed. Here are the stories of some of Indias abandoned brides. Bent like a broken flower over a red velvet box containing her wedding photographs, Navjit Kaur Sandhu raises a delicate hand to her forehead and sobs silently. Her father, Ramesh Kumar, weeps inconsolably into the trembling curtain of his fingers. Her mother stares at the floor, as if wishing for a hole to swallow them all up. The middle-class Punjabi family is assembled in a relatives home in Maradpur, 40 kilometres away from the prying eyes and tutting tongues of neighbours at home in their village of Aujla. They have come to share with The Province their story of the familys fall from grace. Thirty-year-old Navjit, a disarmingly beautiful high school teacher with three university degrees, gathers the courage to open the box in her lap. The photographs inside tell the story of 10 days last spring during which Navjit was married to fellow Sikh Jaswinder Singh Sandhu and was quickly deserted. After the wedding, in Hoshiarpur, Punjab, the groom returned to his home in Surrey, promising he would soon send for his wife. Navjit has heard no word from him, or his family, since June 21. Navjits case aside, tens of thousands of women in India have seen their family honour and wealth sacrificed to bride-shopping Non-Resident Indians NRIs from affluent countries abroad. These men exploit the hope of many urban and rural Indian families to escape domestic poverty and cultural oppression. Experts in India estimate that fraud is involved in as many as half of all NRI marriages, maybe more. In Canada, the estimates are lower between five and 10 per cent. Despite this, community leaders in B.C. insist that many NRI marriages do result in successful, lasting relationships. Canada, with its historical links to Punjab, is a primary source of the bride-hunters, who also come from England, Germany and the U.S. (Seventy per cent of Canadas 500,000 Indo-Canadians hail from Punjab; B.C. is home to half of them.) The men and in rare cases women represent only a small fraction of their community. But the damage they leave behind is a source of lifelong shame to their victims in India and considerable embarrassment to community members overseas. The phenomenon of the abandoned brides has been described by a senior judge in India as a national psychosis. (Young women) think (that) outside India, its all heaven. Therefore by some means or other, they will go. They are forgetting everything else. And the parents also say, All right, lets help her go. Its a dream. Just a dream, says Supreme Court Judge K. Sukumaran. Experts who have studied the problem say the pressure the young women face from their families is formidable. They are not empowered, independent women with a voice in their own destiny, but mere commodities in their cultures matrimonial market. Choosing a love mate is not an option, and ultimately they are twice victimized first by their families eagerness to marry them off and then by their runaway husbands heartless greed. Tales of betrayal vary only in the details among the estimated 15,000 abandoned brides in Punjab. In the neighbouring state of Gujurat, an estimated 12,000 young women have been duped. All told, as many as 30,000 women have been abandoned to live life as social outcasts. One Indian lawyer who has handled hundreds of such cases says that many involve men who have married, fleeced and divorced multiple women. And a leading Punjabi politician who heads a national campaign to combat what he calls an insidious crime says the perpetrators are brutal and cruel. avjits father pads softly across the polished marble floor and draws the shutters and drapes, shutting out the cacophony of urban India, the all-pervasive poverty his daughter had sought to escape. Outside in the blinding light and the blasting heat, the horns of transport trucks and auto-rickshaws split the ears. Beggars drag their crippled legs down busy streets and naked infants fight with pariah dogs for food scraps atop rotting garbage. Day labourers wallow barefoot in black sludge clearing blocked sewers for pennies a day. Navjit resumes her story: I posted a profile on the marriage portal, on the Internet thats how we came to meet. I was always skeptical about marrying an NRI but everyone in his village said it was a very nice family and to go ahead to make the match. There were hints of possible trouble. A family friend in Vancouver offered to meet with Jaswinder, but he declined, saying he was too busy. Navjit says she knew that Jaswinder, a machinist, had been married and divorced twice before, once in Canada and again in India. And when he arrived in India for their wedding, he talked mostly about money. He would always talk about money, how he needed money, how he was short of cash, Navjit says. Her hands tremble as she fusses with her pale blue pant suit, recalling their first meeting. He told me that I was very thin. I said, We can still go back we didnt have to marry. He said, No, no, I will marry you. He would say I was not beautiful, that I was not as fair as my picture on the Internet. He was mad that I didnt have money for taxis. Navjit says her family gave Jaswinder jewelry, gold ornaments and clothes and spent $11,000 on a lavish wedding to impress his family, few of whom showed up. But her family refused to pay a dowry a tradition outlawed in India, but common among status-conscious Sikhs. The honeymoon was a disaster, Navjit says. Every day I was insulted. His behaviour was very rude and bad. I was tortured mentally by him. He never respected my parents. He never spoke nicely to them. Navjits father cringes at the memory. Im not the type of man who cries, says the retired electrical engineer. I was so upset mentally. I had hallucinations that my daughter had been killed. When I came out of it, at least my daughter was alive. Navjit says that, after Jaswinder had returned to Canada: There were no phone calls, nothing, no communication. When I did finally manage to reach him, he would say, Im not well, Im sick. I have blisters in my mouth. I cant speak. my mother is sick. I have to look after her. Once, Jaswinder called to demand a divorce, then hung up. Navjit was distraught. Now, she is at a loss what to do. Her red and gold wedding bangles jangle over her trembling arms. Im not removing my bangles because I am ashamed that people will see that my husband has left me, she sobs. Now I want to go abroad so I dont have to face insults in India. He has ruined my life, she says. He should be punished in such a manner that anyone else thinking of doing this to Indian girls will learn a lesson. Traced to his familys sprawling home in Surrey, Jaswinder Singh Sandhu is at first reluctant to discuss the marriage. I know what youre doing, you get out of here, he tells a reporter. What gives you the right to interfere in peoples lives? You guys get out of here or Im going to call the police. Jaswinder then says his marriage didnt work out, although he offers no explanation. Asked about the future, he says: Of course Im going to divorce her. Who cares about it? Increasingly agitated, Jaswinder says he never mistreated Navjit. People make fake charges, he says. Thats <banned word filter activated>. These are garbage charges. he phenomenon of betrayed brides runs deep and wide through Punjab, from poor rural villages to upscale city suburbs. It came to the attention of Balwant Singh Ramoowalia, president of the Lok Bhalai Party (Peoples Welfare Party) in 1999, when the first women, emboldened by their numbers, came forward. I decided to champion the cause of these girls, Ramoowalia says from his headquarters in Ludhiana, Punjabs largest city. He says a random survey in 100 villages last year found three or four abandoned brides in each one. He believes that in Punjab, where the Sikh religion dominates and 95 per cent of marriages are arranged, many parents are so focussed on wealth and status that they are willing to gamble their daughters futures on the chance that an NRI match will work out. Every father and mother, they want the best match for their daughter . . . [they] attach top priority to boys living abroad, he says. But these boys are often rogues, he says, with few qualifications apart from their Canadian citizenship. The girl has all the qualifications, more educated, more young, Ramoowalia says. The marriage takes place, the boys side squeezes the girls side, exploits the weakness with maximum brutality. It is not uncommon for a Canadian NRI groom to demand as much as $40,000 from a family in Punjab, he adds. All expenses are borne by the girls side. One boy came [to his wedding] in a helicopter. [Families] will be asked to give a car to the dowry. The father of the girl offers to meet every demand, even honeymoon expenses . . . he [the groom] gets the honeymoon, cash, ornaments. Because dowries are illegal in India, these unofficial transactions can seldom be traced or proven. There is no paper trail and errant husbands find it easy to make plausible denials. Ramoowalia says some NRI scoundrels return to Canada , never send for their brides, but return each year to India to use them as holiday wives. The women and their families, too ashamed to admit the marriage is a sham, play along. Ramoowalia says he has seen desperate parents sell off their lands up to $60,000 worth of property to appease a greedy son-in-law, and still their daughter ends up alone. Typically, he says, the abandoned bride will receive an envelope from Canada. She opens it, excitedly, only to discover she is divorced. You cant imagine the kind of suffering which they have to endure, he says. There are no laws to catch those guys. In nearby Chandigarh, activist lawyer Daljit Kaur says: What I see is an organized crime. In one case, she cites a woman who heard nothing from her Canadian husband for 29 years. The wifes letters and petitions to authorities were ignored. The courts, the lawyers, they dont have sympathy, Kaur says. They dont have the political will. They are doing nothing, zero, for these girls. Rajiv Ahir, Senior Superintendent of police for the Jagraon Police District in Punjab, agrees there are few official remedies. He sees 15 to 20 abandoned bride cases each month and most, he says, involve NRIs from Canada. he long, broken road to Rupinder Kaur Chahals impoverished Punjab village is a ribbon of brown dust filled with potholes, camels, grinding tractors and sputtering mopeds. The rice fields alongside are lush and green, with fresh shoots springing from brown muddy waters. On the village outskirts, bedraggled girls hawk tin plates and wizened old Sikhs doze on wicker chairs. The painted gates to Rupinders home are shut tight as, inside, the family gathers in a sparse living room to share the story of their downfall. Rupinder wears gold earrings with a traditional turquoise pant suit. She has the equivalent of a Grade 10 education. Her eyes are downcast, and she defers to her father, Gurdev, a man of patriarchal authority. Her 18-year-old brother Amarjit, his teeth clenched, stares into space, as if visualizing some faraway foe. I wish that my daughter was not born, says her mother, Jagjit. Rupinder begins to cry. The family is strongly religious, members of an offshoot of Sikhism called Sirsawala. Pictures of their gurus adorn the walls of a courtyard next to a pungent cattle stockade. We used to meet for hymns and prayers and we met a man named Bhajan Singh, says the father. I [told him] I have two daughters and they need to get married: You are a member of the same sect, you know us, make us a good match. The matchmaker went to work. In January last year, Rupinder was introduced to Beant Singh Chahal. They were married within a month. At first, Beant insisted on a simple wedding, Gurdev says, but five days before the ceremony he began demanding money. He said he was getting a better offer of nine lahk rupees ($24,000 Cdn). He said: If you come with nine lahk rupees we will come with a wedding party, if not our answer is no. Rupinders family consulted the village council, the panchayat, and were told nothing could be done. They [the council] said we would put a pockmark on their face and a social taboo, Gurdev says. Gurdev went to relatives, neighbours and money lenders to raise the money. What could we do? he asks. The marriage cards were already sent out. Beant had already received 2.5 lahk rupees ($6,500) in jewelry and clothes prior to the wedding, according to the family. Gurdev says it was not until after the wedding he learned Beant was 52 years old. He had coloured his beard, he says defensively. There was an age problem, Rupinder says. He was as old as my father, but he treated me well. Beant returned to his home in Calgary, promising to return in three months to take Rupinder to Canada. Eight months later, Beant told Rupinder it would be seven years before she could join him. Rupinder hopes that lawyer Daljit Kaur can pursue charges under the Indian Dowry Prohibition Act against her runaway husband. ays Gurdev: Were facing major social problems here. People who weve [borrowed] money from, they come calling saying, Where is our money and why is your daughter still here? The familys 11/2 hectare property is up for sale to pay off wedding debts. I hope an airplane comes and just bombs our house and we all die. That would relieve us of all our miseries, says Jagjit. Rupinders mother still hopes her daughter will join her husband in Calgary. For her, it is better to lose a daughter to uncertainty than to lose face in the community. If he is not taking the girl there, then he should return all our money with interest, or even let her live with her in-laws here. There are no other options, she says. This is the only solution to our social stigma here. Rupinder refuses even to go outside her home. No, no, she says, when invited for a stroll. I cant go out. Within hours of being contacted by a reporter in Calgary, Beant Singh Chahal had filed sponsorship papers for Rupinder. He insisted he had never had any bad intentions toward her. Beant says he is having financial difficulties and is now living with his adult daughter (from a previous marriage). He says he is recovering from an arm injury he sustained shortly before leaving India. I got a call last night from my wife from India, claims the airport maintenance worker. I have already sponsored her, I am not holding anything up. About the age difference between himself and his wife, Beant says a matrimonial middleman told him Rupinder was closer to 35. He says he did not discover until their wedding day that she was 24. Beant claims he never received a dowry: I havent gotten a single penny from them. Asked why he told Rupinder it would take seven years to complete the sponsorship process, Beant, who emigrated from India in 2002, says he was mislead by a friend. Source - http://www.vancouverdesi.com/news/nridiaspora/abandoned-brides-victims-of-betrayal-dreamed-of-a-new-life-in-canada-now-they-weep-for-shame/365264/