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About Raj242

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    Sehaj Bilovahu Jaisay Thath Na Jaaee
  1. Forced Marriage

    Yes I will have to make the decision sooner or later. It is a make or break decision. I know we have one shot at happiness. . Which is why I dont think its worth the risk to take a gamble. If I go ahead with it and it does not work out. It will spell disaster for both of us. She as well as I will both find it hard to re-marry if not impossible. At least at this stage there is some hope that we will both be able to find someone who is better for each of us if we dont go through with it. As there is no kids involved and there has not been a long marriage that has occured. Currently I am still not sure what I will do. I am going to take some time to have a good long think about this carefully to ensure I make the correct decision. Take legal advice and see what options are available. One thing is for sure is, I will not bring anyone over with the intention of divorcing them or helping bring over her other relatives. It will either be try my best to make a go of it or end it. I will also spend a couple of weeks over there in Punjab with the girl and the family. To see for one last time if we can make a go of it and if there is anything I find that we can work on. One of the main issues I have is our age difference. There is a 12 year age difference between us. Which shows in her persona and nature. She is quite immature, hot headed and impatient. But alot of this might not be to do with her young age. I think these are just her natural traits and character. I have no issues with women from India but as her age is so young 21. She just does not feel on my mental and intellectual level. I dont enjoy talking or speaking to her I just find we have nothing in common. This is not her fault at all, being so young her mentality will obviously be that of a someone much younger then me. She never wanted the marriage either from my understanding due to our age differences and was also pressured into it. I will give her credit she has tried to make a go of it but we are just not bonding and the relationship is not working because of this. I have heard that such big age differences are known to have a much higher chance of a divorce occurring. Especially large differences like ours. Which is why I think it would be better to end this marriage and find someone of a similar age to me and go through the proper process of meeting the girl before the marriage. I also dont feel comfortable with being with someone of her age, it just does not feel right. It feels like I am marrying a child and does not feel like a proper marriage. I feel awkward when I am with her because of this. I think this is a major reason why I lack a connection with her. I am quite a mature person for my age as it is, and she is still young mentally. When I see other people in marriages I get envious that they have someone of the same age as them while I am married to 21 year old when I am 32 myself going onto 33. I am starting to get annoyed by her behavior and persona which is related to her age. The type of girl I want is someone who is mature and intelligent. Alot of the traits I am looking for come with older age. My gut instinct is telling me to end it before it gets anymore complicated with kids involved. I am sure she can recover from this if I support her financially. It is just the guilt that I feel. As maybe I could have stopped the marriage from going ahead somehow. I did try very hard but it was not good enough. That why I am blaming family so much for pressuring me as they have ruined the girls life. My anger is with those who refused my efforts to end the marriage while I could of at the engagement stage. Its easier enough for me to go back to Punjab and get married to another girl but then I will be left with the burden of this girl. Who will find to hard to re-marry. If do decide to bring her over it will only be as a pity marriage as I feel sorry for her not because its something I want to do or have any good feelings about.
  2. Forced Marriage

    HIgher rank. I am not looking any higher rank. just someone who is compatible. They could be rich poor it does not matter. Yes i agree i should not have let it happen. I do take part blame for this. lets just say this, I was with a very unwell relative . They were not in good health for me to turn the marriage down.I was scared for their health and wellbeing more then anything. I was put under enormous guilt trip to get it done. Otherwise i would have booked the next flight out of india before the marriage and left alone. But I could not let my unwell relative in India be stranded. I was very close from just absconding. But could not. If they were not with me I would have left the country in a second or even left punjab before the marriage. But they was vulnerable so I had to be with them and could not just do a runner. Their health would have deteriorated further. This was not about someone physically forcing me. This was emotional blackmail. like some posters are even doing now. Saying why did i do the anand karaj.
  3. Forced Marriage

    My views exactly. Even though i was pressured into the marriage. I was still willing to give it a go. But having spent 2 weeks with her. I dont think there is any future. I She is just not my type at all.
  4. Forced Marriage

    Its okay for people to say bring her over have kids. But who will be responsible if there is a divorce?
  5. Forced Marriage

    The second option is quite risky. Going by my gut instinct I dont think we are compatible and hence bringing her over will make things a much worse for her in the long run. She knows no one here and has no financial security and no relatives. She also is not very educated. I dont think she is overly keen about coming to the UK. Maybe people had these pre-conceived fairy tale notions of the west in the past. But most now know that its not all what its made up to be. India is now an upcoming place itself. Its more shame for a girl to come all the way to the uk. Get divorced- Which means she has to return to India. Then for her not to come in the first place. Spouse visas are only valid aslong as there is a marriage. Once she is divorced she will have to return to india immediately. Hence dont see the logic in bringing someone over just to divorce them. I have spent 2 weeks with her and dont like what I have seen. I am a good judge of character and know when someone is good and bad. I did not find her kind or considerate which is one of the things I like in a woman. If i liked to her as a person even to a reasonable extent I know I could work on something. But there is no common ground there. It just seems like a recipe for disaster.
  6. Forced Marriage

    I dont think I will reply anymore. Thanks for all the helpful advice. I will use this to contemplate my final decision and will let everyone know once I have made it. But no thanks you to some of the iggnorant remarks and comments that some immature pple have left who have no experience yet think they know it all.
  7. Forced Marriage

    I will. I will of course talk and explain. To see what she thinks. In all honesty I think she will want to come to the uk. Saying that she has a big loving family in India. Why would she want to come over if she wont be happy and in a loveless marriage. Btw I will he compensating the girl if I decide to end the marriage. Also the marriage can be annulled instead of divorce. Which can reduce the stigma. Annulment can take place if the marriage was not valid in the first place . Such as it was forced upon anyone. That way it wont offically be a divorce.
  8. Forced Marriage

    Is it my fault? I did not want the marriage I was forced into it by relatives. I cant be held accountable for others mistakes and failures. I can accept it is different If i agreed to the marriage. Then it would be different. I would never back out if something I whole heartedly agreed to. But as I was forced, pressured and emotionally black mailed into it. Why should I have to live for the rest of my life in a marriage I never wanted just to please others. That is like condoning forced marriages. I wonder if I would be seen differently If I was a woman who had been pressured into the marriage. Look I still have not made up my mind. Its still 50/50. As someone with a high level of morals I am looking at all options. Including bringing the girl over. Of course I am going to let her know exactly what has happened and ask how she feels about it. Its a extremely difficult situation. At the end of the day. She thinks i was not pressured into and has no idea. what has gone on. I am trying to protect her feelings. I dont want to burden he with feelings that I ws forced. She is a young girl. I have no anger towards the girl. All my frustration and animosity is with those who made me go through with this marriage in the first place. So far I am willing to accept all blame I am willing to compensate I did not consumate the marriage I did no ask for any dowry or money infact so far I have given alot of money towards everything and have not recieved a penny. Yet I am somehow labled as the bad guy by people who dont know the full facts. Living in a loveless marriage is not going to do anyone any good. not me not the wife and not the kids if there any later down the line. Its just an unfortunate set of circumstances. Having said that I am still looking at all options in bringing her over and somehow making this work. To be honest this was probably not the best place to look for advice. People wont know what this is about untill they have been married and in these circumstances. After all many peolle here are just teens who think they know it all. When they have not experienced these things. Thats why I was particularly looking for someone who has been forced into a marriage. Untill you have been married. I am afraid you wont understand.
  9. Forced Marriage

    This is actually one of the main reasons I was thinking of. Which woman wants to be in a loveless marriage. Its easy to bring someone over and for them to be settled. But Why mess with their life. We all know that comming to the uk is not all what is made up to be. Its not easy living alone where you know no one and are isolated from your family. Why put someone through all that just because we went ahead with this 'false marriage' that was invalid from the start.
  10. Forced Marriage

    I am sure there are plenty of successful and happy marriages from India as you mentioned. But in any of those marriages was either person forced or coerced into the marriage? That is were the problem lies. There is absolutely nothing wrong with arranged marriages. Infact it is probably the best way to find a marriage partner. The difference is when that arranged marriage is somehow pressured or forced on someone. Each person should have free choice on who they want to marry. In my case alot of pressure was put on me to chose someone before I even decided on anyone. I do not want to end up in a divorce with kids involved. I know families where this is the case and its heartbreaking to see family's torn apart. Yep I could probably make this marriage work to a satisfactory level. But why should I be forced to marry someone who I never wanted in the first place. At least it it fails or succeeds it will be down to me. I want to marry someone who I feel i have some kind of connection both mentally and physically. We only have one life, why should I settle for less due to another persons actions. I will have to live with this person for the rest of my life. I have spent 2 weeks with this girl and I did not find anything I liked at all. It did not bother me that much about the attraction part. The main part was I did not like her as a person in terms of her personality.
  11. Forced Marriage

    I think some posters should relax. I have not made up my mind yet. I am taking my time to carefully think this through. Alot of people are going by their heart. Is it any wonder the divorce rates among-st asian in the uk are so high. Many people just do what their parents say and after regret their decisions. I know I am in a tough situation. But it is all about damage limitation. I have my personal happiness and plans to think about. I tried my best to avoid thi marriage. But Family did not listen to any of my concerns. Even so I will still put above all my feelings for this girl I married. How many people go over to india get married bring their wife over and it ends in a divorce? I know so many cases. Their kids end up being brought up in broken homes. You think this is any better?
  12. Forced Marriage

    I have tried speaking to her to gain better understanding of her emotional side and try and connect over the phone. But I have so far failed to get anywhere. I think Its because we are two different people at the moment and are still at the stage of getting to know each other. To be honest one side of me does not even feel like trying as I feel this marriage was forced upon me. This has left me quite bitter and angry at the people who pressurized me that its affected the early part of this marriage. Which has meant that it has not got off to a good start to begin with. Alot of my anger has actually spilled over to the actual girl which I know is not healthy.
  13. Forced Marriage

    I can see where you are coming from as she is young and has youth on her side. Which is something alot of older men desire. But as I have mentioned before, If do not like her personality or find her that attractive in the first place, her being 22 is not going to make any difference to that. Besides one of the doubts I have is that she will end up resenting me for being much older then her. I would have much preferred to have married someone who was closer to my age. Or at least someone over the age of 25. I think there will be certain added obstacles to this arranged marriage which will include the following. Her having a particularly dominant and assertive personality - (Maybe related to her being young and brash) Currently we dont particularly get on. I dont find any chemistry or connection with her. Maybe also to do with our age differences. Another issue is I dont get on with certain members of my family from India. These people were the ones who were pressurizing my parents to go ahead with the wedding after the shagun . Even When I told them I had doubts and wanted to postpone it..
  14. Forced Marriage

    Thanks for all the replys and advice. Its has really helped me understand the situation that I am in a lot better and made me aware of all the consequences of what I eventually decide in the end. Currently I am swaying between both options I have. Sometimes I think I have made my mind up then I go and think the other way again. The logical side of me is saying that I should just anul this marriage and start over again with finding a bride. Be it in India or the uk. It seems like a safer option. But who knows I may end up in a worst situation. Arranged marriages after all are a gamble. It is difficult to know what the girl will be like after the marriage. Anyone after can put up an act at the beginning at the introductions stage. My heart and moral conscious is saying that I cannot turn back on the vows I made. Even though I may have been coerced and pressured in the marriage by the vecholas and certain family members. Even though this entire process of finding a life partner completely went wrong.I cannot do this to a girl who after all is blameless. I have always been someone who treats women with the upmost respect. Infact I have turned down relationships with girls. As I believe lustful relationships should only be between married couples.For me like others have said I that I feel marriage should only ever be done once. It is a sacred ceremony. I know my family will support me no matter what decision I make. At the present time I am more leaning to the decision of giving this marriage my best shot. I have taken on the the advice of what many have said that it’s the bigger picture that counts. Such as settling down, having kids ect which will bring joy and happiness to everyone. Just to give everyone some facts about our age. The girl is 22 and I am 32. I think a lot of the issues I am currently having with the girl are related to our age difference, I am obviously more mature and sophisticated and she is a lot younger. like someone has mentioned her mannerism and etiquette is different then to someone in the uk. But hopefully she will adjust this when she comes over. I know it is more difficult for her as she is the one who will have to make all these adaptions and changes when she is over here. P.s this is another separate issue I was having. I am thinking will this marriage work based of this? I have read a lot and people generally say age difference marriages are less successful then someone of a similar age.
  15. Forced Marriage

    Thanks This summoned it up pretty well. I know relatives from the UK who have married back home and have now divorced having brought the girl over. I don’t want to end up in a similar situation or in an unhappy marriage for the rest of my life. I don’t want to drag some poor girl half way round the world only for her to end up in some council flat by herself stranded with no one and divorced. That would just destroy me and make me feel even worse. She has said to me on many occasions that ‘I don’t like her’. I think she has caught onto my true feelings. I am not into this marriage at all. One is the fact I feel I was emotionally blackmailed into it. So, I am just not making as a much of an effort. My main concern is for the girl. I don’t want any harm to come to her and I am trying to minimize this as much as possible. I was just thinking of owning up and saying we rushed into the whole thing. I am thinking about what would be best in the long term. In the short term bringing her over would make her family and herself happy initially. But in the long term if we broke up and separated that would crush the family even more. Who wants their daughter to end up being divorced and all alone in a foreign country with no hopes and future. At least if she is India they will have control of their daughter’s destiny and future and she will be supported. In the UK she has no one. I don’t want to be responsible for this.