JaiKanhaiya

So I wrote this thread out a few years ago, And Im going through the same same thing again, In the end I did email her it was an embarassing mess. This is how it started 5 years a go, I had a dream about her and when I woke up the first thing I said was Waheguru, I didnt feel right in my heart or my head, felt like there was somehing pulling me or not letting me sit still. Then I had another 4 dreams one day after the next. After a while I did email her, it was embaressing, a complete mess, I cant describe to you how bad it was. I didnt tell her about the dreams it sounded weird like I was losing my mind, tbh it probably still came across like that. In the end I knew something was not right with me, And I got up and went to India, to matha tekh at the Gurudwara, I went to see Mahapuhrsh[SP]. I showed them a photo of her, and to keep it simple they told me she didnt have a good heart. But when I saw them it felt like a huge weight was being lifted off me. It took me about 2 years to sort of get myself back to how I was. At the time I was under a lot of pressure because I was buying a business and I had 30 day completion, and I was really stressed out, I think I had or was on the verge of a mental breakdown. Anyway time passed and then last year my dad died, he was 59 and just went instantly, spent the day with him at work, and he went home my mum was getting him food and by the time she went to tell him his food was ready he had passed away. I have found coming to terms with this very hard, I feel like he was stolen away from us. I dont understand what need there was for him to go. I know he was fed up, the world had drunk enough of his blood. Anyway way last Friday I woke up again after having a dream about her, And again I been typing out emails, Ive deleted them because I dont want to do another round of doing my besthi. I am buying a house at the moment so I can move mum closer to me as I need to take care of her now. I am feeling the pressure, Im the only man left in my family now. I feel like its all on me, and Im going to <banned word filter activated> up everything my dad made. Basically I think somone has done something to me. I know I probably sound like Im losing my mind, and I probably am. But Im closer to the end than I am to the beginning, there not enough time left to keep making mistakes and recovering from them. I keep saying to God just tell me what you want and Ill give it to you, what ever it is I dont mind, what ever you want I will happily give to you. cant believe he wants me to commit a sin, or do something I know I shouldnt be doing.

Thank-you I will come back to reply as I have some questions, Ive just got busy at work.

My apologies for the late response I have tried to keep myself occupied the last few days to get my mind off it and I have something going on that I needed to go deal with which has been a welcome distraction. I deleted out the Gurnukhi as I can only read English and speak Panjabi I am a Monah. And when I copy and paste across it comes across as random letters and symbols so I just delete out the Gurmukhi. Apologies if this has caused offence. I don't know if I did deal with it is probably the only time I have ever been so stubborn that i refused to call or contact someone. And as this happened my bibi died a few weeks later and then a few weeks later I bought a business and then that was that. I had no time to think or dwell i just went off and got on with my life. Then a year later I was married. I had no reason to think about her its annoyed me that I have let it come back into my life to bother me I think I have had a bit of a crisis. I don't want to go into every detail I guess at the time she thought she would meet someone better than me where as at the time I had become quite pragmatic and I accepted that I was not perfect and never was going to be. But for a long time I thought I had done something wrong. I could say a lot more I did want to write more but I need to draw line under this and just forgot her forever. Thanks I believe this too, It was never meant to be. There is somewhere in my mind where I want to get to and that is the goal. Thank-you all for your help and time.

You are right I'm not going to do anything I didn't come here to find vindication for dishonorable actions I just want to snap out of it. I haven't been like this for many years and I'm really not sure what has come over me in the last week. Raag Saarang - Guru Tegh Bahaadur Ji - Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji - Ang 1231

I don't she is married im pretty certain of it . When I texted her I didnt think her number would even be the same. At the time I thought she was making a mistake not marrying me that probably sounds very arrogant. I would have taken care of her. I don't think I'm a very good husband to my wife becaus of this regret. Because my gut feeling is still that she was the one. How do you reconcile that with the belief that everything out guru does is for the best? If I did contact her then there would be nothing innocent in my intentions. All she could do is break my heart again maybe that will end it and I can move on. Raag Prabhaatee - Guru Arjan Dev Ji - Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji - Ang 1347