> I thought I told you a while back on some topic not to worry about that. (If you're thinking of future Rishtas then Vaheguru won't give you one of those people if you don't want to). You still have a lot more to live for, don't take your brain cells on an issue like this if you have a mental problem, let me tell you it's not worth it, (if you do have these problems you claim to have).
Yeah. It's not about marriage. I don't like the way some of these Muslims target the Sikh community. Grooming and stuff.
> (if you do have these problems you claim to have).
When I was younger, I'm 25 now, one of my parents got into a major accident. I used to be so proud of being a Sikh. I wasn't super religious, but I knew so much Sikh history. I would buy books of Sikhs warriors and read those. Banda Singh Bahadur was my idol. Reading about him, it was like an action movie. (it's been so long, so sorry if these details aren't correct) how he punished Wazir Khan. Laid the foundation for Sikh rule in Punjab. How he was tortured by the Mughals. They ripped his eyes out, and he never screamed. It was so inspiring. Mesa Runger thought Sikhs had been exterminated, until he met Bhai Sukha Singh and Bhai Mehtab Singh. I wanted to be like these guys.
I was at the top of my class in highschool. My teacher was telling me to apply to harvard. Some girl that I didn't know well used to call me Mr. Prime Minister, because of how good I was with politics, debates etc.
Then mental health problems started get much, much worse. My brother tried to kill himself. I tried to kill myself. My dad tried to kill himself. My brother went missing for a week. The police had to come and take me to the hospital, because I was going to light myself on fire. I'm on my fourth therapist now. I'm worse than I was 8 years ago.
My dad was super religious too. Through everything, he still is. He has never missed a day of prayer, even in this hospital. Same with my mom.
But then I see stuff like this happen to my family, the most religious person I know, and I lose faith. I would never convert away from Sikhism. But faith in god? I don't know. I have no good sangat around me. My mom and dad are the only religious people I know. Everyone here, be it Sikh, Hindu or Muslim, doesn't care about religion much.
I tried coming online and then I started reading about grooming and stuff like that, issues in Punjab, hate crimes etc. That just made it worse. I just can't think positively. My mind blows everything out of proportion, but I just can't control it. I'll read about how something happens like 1/10000 times. But my brain acts like it's 1/1. So guaranteed. So I panic and message people about it. I really want to apologise to everyone that I messaged. I'm sorry. But I want to thank you, jacfsing2, and jkvlondon for talking to me. Could someone tell StarStriker I'm sorry. I don't think he can see it, since he blocked me.
After everything that's happened. I just feel so alone. Both as a Sikh and a person. Again, I have no good sangat around me. My parents are a different generation, so they can't really connect with me. My friends are very proud Sikhs, but in the sikh=punjabi, punjabi=sikh way. I come online, and see all this stuff. Then this stuff happens. It just makes things worse for me. Then I end up feeling like I can't even get a sangat online.
So what do I do? How do I have faith in god? Things just feel like they keep getting worse.
> You still have a lot more to live for, don't take your brain cells on an issue like this if you have a mental problem,
that's just the thing. I don't feel like I do. What difference would it be if I killed myself tomorrow?
Again, I'm really sorry for everything.